Just Need To Vent

I’m a 28 year old lesbian who has lived a very painful life and is at a very weird place right now. I came to tumblr because I need a place to vent and get real. Therapy just isn’t really helping.

[traumaandlesbianism]

I’m really high rn, luckily I haven’t had to do any SW lately. It’s been a nice break. Unfortunately I’ll have to again soon because my electric bill is so much. But I’m going to enjoy this peace while I can.

[traumaandlesbianism]

I hope you feel confident/secure enough to post your art some day.

Oh, don’t get me wrong, I do. Just not on here. I don’t want my art to be associated with my trauma like that. The only way it should be is through vague metaphors and symbolism

[traumaandlesbianism]

You know as much shit as I give men, at least they’re honest. They’re willing to admit they just want to use me for my body, my holes.

Women, not so much. They lie. They tell me all sorts of sweet words. “I love you, baby, no one could ever be as precious as you 🩷 you’re so beautiful my love I can’t wait to name our kid after you. I can’t wait to marry you” and then two days later she’s run off with some guy named John or whatever and you’re left sobbing on your kitchen floor, trying not to cut yourself on the broken glass that’s shattered with you.

And then some of the guys have the nerve to actually treat me kindly. Send me money for no reason every once in a blue moon, tell me how pretty my stupid eyes are or send me gifts. It makes me sick. It reminds me of all the times the women I loved, romantically and platonically, fucking failed me, and how I let them. I know the men aren’t being nice for no reason. They’re probably hoping for a free handy or some stupid bullshit. But it fucks me up. I’ve had the occasional fucked up thought of “I wish I could just be straight so I could go where I’m wanted.” But I don’t want them. I’ll never want them.

No matter how much I try to convince them, or myself.

Sickening.

[riacain]

[traumaandlesbianism]

The stray I’m taking care of had babies and I can’t find them anywherrrrrreeeee

[traumaandlesbianism]

Idk what else to do so I’m just gonna keep drawing lesbians until I die

[traumaandlesbianism]

I guess I just need to give up on art and accept that I’m nothing but a hole and a pair of tits, no matter how hard I try or how talented I am, no one gives a fuck. It’s so discouraging and disappointing to spend hours and hours on a piece, on a story, just for no one to give a fuck about it. I guess I just don’t have the talent.

[traumaandlesbianism]

I think another thing is is the only thing that makes me feel better, truly, is smoking weed. And I hate saying that. Because I know how bad it sounds.

But comforting words from my family don’t work. I think I would scream if they actually tried to hug me. Kind words from my friends are nice, but they just don’t…reach that broken, aching screaming part inside of me. I wish they did. Because I know they mean well and they want me to be happy but I just….i don’t know.

The only time I felt even remotely okay, was when I was in my ex’s arms. The same arms that tore me to pieces and left me to rot. So now even that comfort feels tainted. No good memories I can cling to.

I just have nothing. It’s so cold. So damn cold.

[traumaandlesbianism]

You know it really hits me sometimes that all of my work has been for nothing. I was a good wife. Cooked the meals, cleaned the house, took care of her when she was sick, even bathed her myself sometimes. I worked hard, did over 40 hours a week, paid bills, outperformed others at my job, made sure to do everything right.

Crossed my ts and dotted my fucking Is.

And even after it all ended, I tried to maintain my dignity. I didnt blow up her phone. I kept my pain and agony to myself. I still went to work, even if I hadn’t eaten. I went to college, went to therapy. Got a house.

My therapist said he’s not sure why I don’t have many friends or a girlfriend. “You seem like the full package!” He says.

And yet it’s still empty. Worthless. Means nothing.

What’s the point of doing all this fucking work and having all this restraint and self control and patience if it gets you literally NOTHING in the end?

[traumaandlesbianism]

My period started fucking kill me

[advancedlawnmowingtechniques-de]

[traumaandlesbianism]

God I really am I fucking failure. If I didn’t waste time on that black hole of a woman I would have been good. Maybe even great. By no. I wasted my youth and my time and my talent and now all I am is a warm hole to fuck and throw money at. I fucking hate my life.

[losyrin02]

I'm with you Kris

[rufusahhahh]

they gawt stuck

[traumaandlesbianism]

Almost forgot I need to finish my classes to fill out my degree. Hopefully I can sign up for them tomorrow.

[traumaandlesbianism]

Have you considered looking at remote work online? Data entry jobs etc?

Yeah, I’ve been applying to the ones I have the skills for. I’m hoping when I and a friend of mine have some time, she’ll be able to teach me excel and other programs that those kinds of jobs use. I just haven’t been getting accepted. But I’ll keep trying. I’m also going to try and learn some coding so maybe that will be of use too.

[dungeonbarbeque]

in celebration of Deltarune Tomorrow here is a small drawing