Rhythm of Trust
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
So I’ve had this post on my mind for a good long while now, but have only recently found the necessary voltage to shock it out of my system. In fact, it has been loitering in literary purgatory since about 4AM this past Tuesday morning. Only now has it found its karmic purpose…
This past year has been surreal. Definitely the most enlightening period of my Life. The reason for this is simple: I’m more aware & conscious than I’ve ever been. And more humble, too. I understand everyday is a chance to Die–and to be reBorn. I do this thing where I set a word as an intention for the entire year. This year that intention was “Trust”. Little did I know how swiftly the Universe would deliver those lessons upon Me.
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
As I said it’s been a wildly expanding year and it’s barely been 4 full months. In just one third of the year I have managed to perform in my first epic contemporary fusion piece at the UCSD Forum Theater, discovered the joys of immersive dance theater, had an out of body experience on stage, had my words & philosophy on dance published in the Library of Congress, star in a music video for one of my all-time fav hip-hop groups, got back into martial arts, have deepened my personal practice of tai chi, & have even met a real life Shaolin Monk to guide me in the arts of qigong & chi cultivation (like something out of a kung fu fairy tale)…
All of this sounds like rainbows and butterflies. In all honesty, it is. However, it does have an undercurrent that highlights it all with a deliciously contrasting thick brushstroke of darkness:
…I am currently suffering from a spine injury.
I would say recovering, but for the moment my word choice is entirely appropriate–suffering. But before I explain I will admit that this injury is honestly one of the best things that could have ever happened to me. I say this because it has helped me find a very specific song–a very unique rhythm if you will.
This rhythm is like no other. It is the Rhythm of Trust.
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
Flashback to December. Some colleagues & I were neck deep in our rehearsal process for a show. My body felt strong, but brittle. I was pushing so hard that at times I felt like I couldn’t hear or see a thing. Strong but brittle. A six month hearsal process of roughly 15-20 hours per week will do that to you. Strong but brittle. One little mistep & I would be done for. Strong but brittle. I could feel my body conjuring up old memories from injuries long past. Strong but brittle. One wrong push and my body would weep. Strong but brittle. And that’s what happened…
…We were practicing a lift. I felt a disk slip in my back…
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
It’s now January. Our piece is 55 minutes long. Including myself, there are only four dancers. The tech rehearsals were grueling but there is no better anesthetic like the anticipation of performance. I pushed through. The show was a hit. I learned to push myself and find solace in the pain & lack of ability. February is upon me. My body was in shock. I suffered a fever due to shock the afteroon before a video shoot. I had a limp throughout the entire month. For about three weeks I couldn’t move my legs. For almost two weeks I was bedridden. During March, my hip joints were on fire, my calves were flaring up. Swelling in my legs. Urinated blood. And then during the month of April, I could finally walk without someone/something holding me up, but I swear to God on certain even & odd days of the week all my vertebrae feel like Jenga blocks. It was either numbing or painful just to breathe. Fuck you ribcage...
…at any moment I could topple over. I was partially paralyzed. Cannot feel my legs fully. Do I even have feet?
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
So yes. I am suffering. But not for the reasons one would think. As each day goes by, I learn more and more. I suffer because I am stubborn. I suffer because I refuse. I suffer because I am resistant. I suffer because I do not allow myself to learn the true lessons that this injury is attempting to show me.
I suffer because I am a stubborn male ego…and am not humble enough for my own wisdom…for my own recovery.
I suffer because lately, I haven’t allowed myself to hear the Rhythm…
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
Every time I had allowed myself to be vulnerable this year, it has always ended up being a wonderful experience. Every time I decided not to freak out, it always turned out for the better. Every time I TRUSTED, the Universe loved me more than I could have ever imagined. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I lost my wallet at a taco shop on the other side of town…the guy who found it ends up being a new client. I quit my day job, and now I am finding the time & means to truly embrace my creative passions. Started feeling a buzzing in my spine & the sensation of a real fragility in my bone structure, and now I’ve re-embraced yoga, tai chi, and qigong as ways to find some real true healing; even found a mentor in the form of a true Shaolin Monk. And then I stumble across a chance to lay my heart bare & next thing you know I find an affection that sets my chest ablaze with wild inferno.
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
The Rhythm is everything. Trust is everything. If I don’t trust the Universe then how the hell can it trust Me?
This injury is there to test me. To make each moment infinitely more conscious. To allow me to see what it is exactly that I genuinely Love. And what I am willing to do to respect, honor, and fight for those things. If every step I take is painful, then who/what will I being willing to walk for? If every breath is strained, then for who/what will I breath for? And if lying still & alone in patience sends a buzz of distress through to my core, then who & what will I endure the quiet & torturous stillness for? And if something raps at the window of my very soul, then what would I be willing to die for?
If there is anything all those questions (& the nagging physical symptoms) are teaching me, it’s that the process is sometimes difficult to understand. But everyone is at their own place in The Process–especially myself. But even if I do not understand the Process, it is always working out in my favor. The Universe is always working in my favor. ALWAYS.
“Things do not happen to You. They happen FOR You.”
I have never felt more vulnerable, more susceptible, more weak than I am right now…and I have never felt stronger. And the Rhythm has never felt stronger…
Ba-dum… Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
Many many many things lie upon the horizon for Me. It’s all so clear. So full of Life. So full of Love.
And so thus, all experiences are valid. I welcome it all. Both the Yin & the Yang. For I am a human being with a fiery & creative passionate soul. And I was destined to be Alive.
Ba-dum… Ba-dum…
Ba-dum…
And so with the Rhythm of Trust pulsing strong in my veins, my Heart as my Metronome, & the winds of the Universe at my back I fall forward in vulnerable grace and allow myself to do what the wise dancer in me has always done…
…Trust the Rhythm.
**********************************************************************************
PS: Big big thank you to all those who attend my class. There were days were I would literally have to do physical rehab for like 2-3 hours straight before teaching class. And it has always been more than worth it. You guys seriously feed my soul.
#confessionsofadancer #confessionsofacripple #fearless #lovefull #die #liberate #beborn #ichoose #ifuckinglovedance #yinANDyang #iwillendureforallthatilove #whatwouldyoudiefor
