Confessions from an identity crisis @treadtheboardsandspeakthewords - Tumblr Blog

I just had a dream which was basically my real life and urgh. Literally the most unpleasant and uncomfortable thing. Also I've decided to become a hermit and never have sex or a relationship again. I've not had sex in nearly 6 months now but it's fine because I was terrible at it anyway and could never be what I wanted to be for the person I was with and actually create a fulfilling sexual experience. And I'm fuck ugly anyways so like the idea of anyone else having to be subjected to seeing my body makes my skin crawl. I've literally started wearing clothes in bed because I don't like seeing my body. And to have a relationship sounds like the worst thing in the world because I know that the same thing happens every time and I'm not happy about that part of my life for literally years. So frankly when eventually time covers up the past a lil I'll try not to let any more sneaky gorgeous people to catch me off guard at the back of a bus.

It's a terrible poem but wanted to get some of this out

Through the darkest nights a songbird sings It calls to man and beast and bird What lofty call and joyful word Will from the beak of crows now spring?

A dark lament as soft as feather Through pain and fury the call will break From highest mountain and deepest lake It flies through bark and thorn and heather.

You hear the sound and heed the call Like horns blown before the fall Of Ilium. A sweet release. Where even the worthless shall find peace.

#personal

Someone asked me...

Someone asked me what the difference between depression and just feeling shit was. I couldn't quite explain it but right now I can. The difference is that when you're depressed a difficult evening can trigger you to feel like maybe... Just maybe... You'd be better off not having to bother any more. That maybe just finishing it and accepting oblivion would be easier. So much fucking easier. The hard thing about depression is fighting that thought. The hard thing is putting one foot in front of the other, resisting the urge to take the path of least resistance. Resisting the urge to do what in some ways seems in your best interests. The way which you honestly believe would be better for you. That is the struggle. Every moment can be a struggle. A person not affected by depression can cross a road without imagining being hit by a car, a person who does not suffer will wait for the train and not think through the scenario of stepping out onto the tracks. Those of us who live with it have to fight, every single day we fight to stay alive because there is a demon inside out minds persuading us that it would be better to be dead. And that demon is ourselves, that demon is depression. I thought I was winning this battle.

#personal

Today is a bad day. Actually I’m having a lot of bad days. Actually not really I think just one bad day tends to overshadow everything else. And today is being a really bad day. I’m at the tail end of an anxiety attack at the moment. Sitting on my bed hoping to get the images out of my head and stop feeling like I want to be sick. Things are getting better. I know they are but I don’t know how well they’re getting better or whether I’m overcoming or just suppressing my feelings. I tried the usual breathing techniques to calm down but this time I noticed that it didn’t feel like the tension was released or went out of my body. Today it just got smaller, more focused. I’m having trouble concentrating recently and I keep slipping in my plans to getter myself. My self esteem is at a low frankly. I’m really not looking forward to this evening. I just keep looking at my tattoo, reminding myself why I got it.

#personal