Tres' FTM Journey

This blog is essentially an account of my significant experiences and/or physical changes as I transition from female to male in Australia.

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FTM and changing your name at work (in Australia)...

So, I came out to my HR department (population 1) at work. She believed she was doing the right thing for both myself and the company, and informed my c-level executives of my gender without consulting me or giving me a heads up. I discovered this when my boss (the CTO) asked me a leading question and my intuition kicked in.

I don't believe that she was trying to be nasty, I believe that she thought she was doing the right thing by all involved. I have since told her where I stand on being 'outed', and that I expect to be involved in communication to staff.

I also asked for my name to be changed, at the very least, on active directory / ldap (think usernames and email addresses), and on all non-legal documents / communications moving forward. I advised that she is within her rights to also update my employment records etc, with the exception of my bank account details (so I still get paid). Apparently they are concerned that this will impact the relationship they have with a government department and are currently against doing this without a legal name change. 

I have an appointment with her today to discuss this, and also the communication strategy for my transition. Some people in the office know, however, I'm eager to avoid an all staff communication until I am presenting as male at work. In other words, until I have a proper binder and am able to wear it for appox. 8 hours per day.

Back to the name change... I called the Anti-Discrimination call centre, who advised they are an 'independent government body' which exists to provide advice (but not legal action) on legislation as it pertains to discrimination in the workplace. They confirmed my interpretation of the legislation which is that by common law, anybody can start using a new name. It is my understanding that this does not apply to interactions with / records held by government departments (tax office etc) and financial institutions. However, as far as my employment is concerned, reluctance to accept my new name under common law, even without a replacement birth certificate or change of name certificate, is discrimination. Why? Because it is essentially refusal to accept my gender, and means they are encouraging staff to associate me with a female name and therefore gender against my wishes.

These name change laws don't only apply to non-binary or trans.* individuals, but it is because of this that the anti-discrimination laws are also relevant.

I will very subtly, politely, advise my employers that I sought confirmation of the correct interpretation of legislation pertaining to name changes and the rights of non-binary or trans.* people and know that is it legally above board.

I just wanted to post this incase other people find themselves in a similar boat. Why does it matter? Legal name changes for my (NSW) Births Deaths and Marriages registry take time to process and I'm starting testosterone in a few days. It takes a month to secure an interview with the registry, and another month for them to feel confident this is not an act of fraud before they are allowed to give me a certificate. Also, I'm aware that some people cannot afford to go through the name change process. Know this: you still have the right to adopt a name which meshes with your gender identity - at least in most circumstances. If you're not sure, seek advice from someone who practises law, or from the National Anti-Discrimination peeps.

You can find their main (and very unattractive) website here: http://www.antidiscrimination.gov.au

I'll post an update with the result of my meeting this afternoon. Being 'different' is something of a constant struggle =P

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My bloods were stolen from me!

This morning I had blood drawn for the first time. I was nervous, despite my myriad tattoos. Apparently I had no reason to be, it didn't hurt at all and I didn't feel light headed or anything afterwards. I'm putting that in the win category. I had three vials (less than 15ml/a tablespoon) taken - I was expecting at least 6 vials.

The nurse was great, she found the vain the first time and had a very pleasant manner. She did cross out the 'U' (undetermined) sex marker on my blood order and write "FEMALE!" in capital letters next to it, but it's not something I'm upset over because she didn't know better and obviously assumed it's a clerical error.

This is my final hurdle to starting testosterone. Hopefully the results reach my doctor in time and don't show anything alarming. Two days to go until my next appointment, and hopefully, my first injection! Exciting stuff.

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Watch Vlog #2 on Youtube. Siobhan gives her perspective.

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Watch Vlog #1 on Youtube

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The Gatekeeper

Yesterday I had an appointment with Dr Larry Brash, a psychiatrist and my gatekeeper. He came recommended by my endocrinologist and quite a few guys on the interwebs. He has apparently seen over a hundred trans.* people and is essentially the person responsible for deciding whether they are allowed to commence treatment. 

He asked me to describe myself as I am today, then go back from birth and give a short summary of my relevant experiences, developmental history, and my status as it evolved throughout my life. I got the impression that he was waiting to hear whether I had ever tried to emulate society's model of a stereotypical female, which I did for a couple of brief periods.

Apparently, what he considers to be the FTM story is rather 'universal' whereas the MTF stories tend to have more variance, at least that's what he said his experience has led him to understand. If my story is 'universal' and so closely matches the stories of other FTMs I would assume he has said yes to them all, except (perhaps) for patients with obvious and extreme co-morbidity (the existence of another medical or psychological condition).

He told me that his vote was a firm yes, and that he'd be writing a report and faxing it to my endocrinologist. I do hope he includes a recommendation for a double mastectomy & chest reconstruction in that report. I'd much prefer not to have to go through a gatekeeper again.

I was pleased with Dr Brash's manner, and his diplomacy. He asked only the questions which were relevant and necessary to form a basic picture of me and to make his decision.

Now to get my blood test done, and return to my endocrinologist's office next week.

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Binding

I don't often bind because I find it to be quite uncomfortable, but as I start changing I'm just going to have to. I'm hoping that I find it so uncomfortable because I'm not using a real binder. My lovely lady took it upon herself to get me one as a surprise present (not so much a surprise as I now know what it is). She is a great lady.

She told me last night that I wasn't 'selling' this whole T thing very well, and asked why I want to do it. The drivers are lowering my voice, changing my body's female fat distribution to a more male fat distribution (goodbye lady hips!), and developing pectoral muscle definition before I arrange top surgery. For those of you who are unaware, this means getting a double mastectomy (boob removal) and reconstruction to create a male contoured chest. I'm terrified of surgery, but it will be worth it. It will be refreshing to be able wear whatever tickles my fancy without the discomfort of binding and it will ease the gender dysphoria.

I'm probably going to have to get a tattoo once my chest heals, mainly to cover the thin but oddly boob-shaped scars which will be left behind, but for those who know me well... any excuse for a new tat will do!

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Très in Beta

This blog is essentially an account of my significant experiences and/or physical changes as I transition from female to male.

A bit of background...

When I came out as a lesbian, I stepped in and out of the closet a few times. It took me time to accept what I was. I first knew I was attracted to girls when I hit puberty, and eventually started identifying as a lesbian. This label mostly fit... it freed me to dress more androgynously, and was an easy way to tell the world that I was solely attracted to women.

Coming out as male was a little different. According to my cousin I tried to tell my family almost as soon as I learned how to speak. I would pack (stuff my pants with something to create a male bulge - at that age I was using a pair of socks), and strut around in my underwear telling everyone that I was a boy. My family thought it was a cute little phase, but unfortunately never stopped to consider that I was actually trying to tell them something. I totally understand that being an extremely hetero-normative family, it was unlikely to have ever occurred to them to be anything more than a tomboy phase. 

I have recently decided that labels aren't necessary for me, but I do prefer to be labelled as gender queer over trans*. I toyed with the neutrois label, but it wasn't quite right. The trans* labels don't mesh with me largely because of my subjective feelings towards them. To me trans* suggests a preference to be living in the binary, and to be hetero-normative. I am a male identified feminist. I want equality in my relationship and don't really believe in binary gender roles. My girlfriend (lesbian identified... I'll get to that later) is an amazing person, I totally respect her, and I strongly believe that she can do absolutely anything she sets her mind to. Furthermore, I believe she should have the right to perform any job she would like to, and without any sort of gender based discrimination.

With that said, I do identify as male and I prefer male pronouns ('his','him','he', etc).

Complications...

I am out to most people in my office... but I am about to relocate to our Melbourne office and this is due to happen 1 month after I start taking Testosterone (a.k.a 'T'). As far as I am aware, they have no idea. They might get a bit of a shock when the person they were introduced to over a conference call (who was referred to as 'she') has a different name, has a pubescent boy's cracking voice, and is sporadically developing some facial hair. I have no idea how they will react because I've never really met them. This is going to be interesting to say the least.

Another complication, and this one probably should have been at the top of the list, is that my girlfriend identifies as a lesbian. I am fully supportive of her identity, and she is supportive of mine. She listened to me drone on for hours at a time about my plans for transition and about my feelings. Eventually, these conversations settled down as the novelty wore off, and my identity stopped feeling like a 'change' and sort of became the norm. She was the first person to start using male pronouns to refer to me. I remember a feeling of elation and relief (which I tried very hard to hide for some reason) when she first referred to me as 'he', or 'her little prince'.

After a while, things were mostly pretty normal. After some long conversations about our identities, we decided that we worked too perfectly together, and were too in love, to put an end to our relationship. We decided to take each day as it comes, and started trying not to stress too much about what might or might not be in the future.

Last week something clicked for her and everything felt real for the first time. She was upset and felt as though her girlfriend had died and was being replaced by a new person who kind of looked the same but had a different presence. I had a brief moment of feeling like the universe was playing some sort of sick joke on me. Here's the woman of your dreams, perfect in just about every way, oh and by the way... now you have to screw it up because you no longer have the strength to deny who you are and it doesn't fit in with who she is.

That night was a tough night for us both, but it needed to happen. We talked about everything, and there were many tears on our pillows. The next day we both felt a lot better, and things didn't seem as scary. We just needed to take some time to be open and actually address our feelings. She is starting to feel more comfortable about everything (my changes included), and is vocalising her thoughts and feelings a bit more.

I now believe that we can get through this together, and that we just need to allow ourselves some time and patience to adjust to all of the changes. 

The transition.

Being a nerd, I like to say that my life up until now has been in beta acceptance testing. Here's here is the roadmap for pre-release version 1.0.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Thursday (two weeks and two days from today), where I will hopefully receive a letter of recommendation to start taking T. The psychiatrist I am seeing has essentially advised that as long I don't suffer from any major co-morbidity, and he feels I am able to provide informed consent, we can get this done in a single session.

Once I've got this, I need to get a blood test which will predominantly check for:

My pre-t testosterone levels

Cholesterol levels

Liver toxicity

a few other bits and pieces

One week after that, I have another appointment with my Endocrinologist (hormone doctor) in Sydney. If all goes well with the psych, and if there's nothing alarming in my blood test results, this will be my 'T-Day'. My girlfriend will be shown how to inject me with man juice, and we'll probably be doing this every 10 days or so to start with.

I'm scared of getting a blood test, I'm a little nervous about the actual injection, and I'm hoping my girlfriend continues to find me attractive as I go through a very late male puberty and start changing.

Future blog posts...

Just before I have my first shot I will take some measurements of my limbs, my nether regions, my hips, and my torso. I will also record some details about current hair growth/patterns, emotions, and a few other tid-bits as I see fit. Once I start T, I will regularly post any changes to these measurements, and probably start recording my voice as well.