I writing this where I know my nay sayers will never find me.
Over the past two years my life has completely uprooted and changed and when I thought it settled again it changed again.
Two years ago I thought I would die taking care of my mother, living in a hoarder's house. I would still be walking 16 miles one way five times a week between 7pm and 6am with a four hour shift somewhere between. No matter the weather. During the day I'm walking to and from the store either for food to cook either in an electric skillet or a large toaster oven. Maybe I've gone to get my mother's several medications, of which they rarely had refills in sync. Perhaps I've gone to the doctor's with my mother. No matter what, I haven't eaten or slept enough for any of it. My sanity is non-existent. I'm surviving, barely, wanting to die daily. In fact I cannot wait for that horrible house to finally give up and swallow me whole. Death would be better is all my mind tells me.
A year ago I thought I would never get off my brother's couch, and that I would forever be a free live in babysitter without a chance to ever "adult" again. I would constantly and forever have to sneak through a house at 4-6am after a shift of work. Unable to shower the baked on sweat off because "the shower will wake the babies". Sleeping on a couch with an old ass worn hole. Only to be awaken by the souls of screaming babies by 10am. For every reason in the book their mother would find errands to run from noon until 5pm. But "can you watch the babies?" Granted there were days I was allowed to go on errands as well. But at the end, I was always watching babies. Not allowed to nap until 6pm when I often jump on my bike at 7pm to make it to work on time. I am tired, constantly. I'm always on eggshells because of how I fear over staying my welcome. At any given moment I can finally piss off my sister in law enough that she kicks me out. She never did. But, when she was given a chance to get me out, it happened in three days time.
Six months ago, I thought I would forever be the eldest of six children. Wherein I was rarely treated as an adult. And once more, forever the free live in babysitter. Here adults saw me as one of the children, but the children saw me as the most reliable adult. Often times, they come to me over their parents for questions that only parents could answer. During all this I am still working, sometime between my brothers house, and this one, I have gotten a car things a little easier. Until they aren't. My car breaks down, and I have to rely on the good will of my "not actually my father" and my "not actual stepmother" to have a vehicle. This works for a while. Though now I MUST wake at 8am every day, when I got in at 4am, to watch a 4yo. Sleep.... It's still rare. I look forward to weekends and winter/spring/summer breaks, they mean I can sleep. It doesn't stop the children from coming to me every hour. But at least here I have my own room. And a bed. At least at least at least. I'm treated like a child, until it's convenient I'm not. Rarely am I thought of for family outings (Even though I can pay for myself). I'm family, but I'm not.
Never have I ever truly felt like.... Family. I'm the pity case. The poor case. I'm easy to get a "yes" from, because I'm always afraid if I say "no" I will loose my place to sleep. Sometimes I feel "love" and I have taught myself to that "these people will not hurt you to love you", but that is only when I'm remembered as family.
My true family, is my chosen family. They are shattered and far. Chances are I will share with them this link and they will know who my chosen family is. My chosen family have been the quiet voices supporting me through my past. Sometimes, a lot of times, I know I was hard to love. But love me they still did. Holding my hand in the dark.
They are the ones who have told me "you can do this". They are the ones who said "live your life"
Now I have the chance, one I am taking with both hands. To start new. To live. To be my truest self. It scary. I am moving across the country to a place I have never been before. I am leaving behind everything I've known. The oh so many bad things, and the few good ones too. I have a love, that I am not scared of. Not for one moment. Things I once said "never" to, are things that seem.... Wonderful with her. And that uncertain tomorrow.... There IS a tomorrow and I look forward to it. Even the tomorrow of years to come.
My family would give me every reason to say no. I say "there is no other time for this, there is NOTHING in this world I have wanted more". I have lived, my whole 33 years of life.... For others. To serve others. To do for others. Just enough so that I could scrape by a survival.... Not even living just survival. But this is the first time I have said "this is for ME. *I* deserve this! I deserve a LIFE to LIVE for ME."
This is me saying "my life is no longer yours universe, MY LIFE IS MY OWN"
My chosen family are the ones who tell me "you can do this", "we believe in you"..... "I'm proud of you". People I don't share blood with are the ones who can say those things to me. What kind of joke is that? What does it say about my family? It tells how much those I never see, really see me. They are the ones who see the true me, and still find it in themselves to love me. They believe in me.
TL;DR I came from shit, I'm turning my life around. My biological family doesn't believe in me, my chosen family does
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