What is Grief? And 5 Ways to Deal With Grief
Long time no see my Tumblr readers :) Since my last post I’m guessing many of you might we worried to see such a topic come up on my blog. Well fret no with most things that don’t get revealed on social media.. Life happened and with that comes the Circle of Life.
Post Dedication:
Without getting into too much personal details, I wanted to dedicate this post to anyone who heart is in immense pain over a lost of a love one (whether direct relative or not) I believe with such conviction that God has a reason for every season & the pain you feel now. Albeit temporary but this season will shape you in ways you’ll soon discover.
On a personal note, hi my dear love of my life, I’m sorry for the lost you’ve had to experience. I know that my words alone cannot do much but I want you to know that what happened is no ones fault & that she is a better place. I’ll continue to hold your heart & hand - walk alongside you till you heal & find peace. Love you more than you know.
This might be a long read for some so do grab yourself a warm cup of tea, coffee or beverage of choice & enjoy [Reading Time: 5-10 minutes]
You don’t have to be linguist to know the core topic of this post would fall under the 1st definition & NOT the 2nd. Nothing complicated about the emotion of ‘Grief’ - ‘Intense sorrow’ which in most cases is due to a lost of beautiful soul.
It’s worth keeping in mind that everyone grieves differently. Just like how all personalities are different with no two the same - this treatment is similar for Grief. Some people will wear their emotions on their sleeve and others will experience their grief more internally, and some may not even cry (believe it out not). We should try & not judge how a person experiences their Grief, as each person will experience it differently.
The first stage to learning about the terminal illness, loss, or death of a cherished loved one is to deny the reality of the situation.
“This isn’t happening, this can’t be happening,” people often think.
It is a normal reaction to rationalize overwhelming emotions. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the immediate shock of the loss. We block out the words and hide from the facts. This is a temporary response that carries us through the first wave of pain.
As the masking effects of denial and isolation begin to wear, reality and its pain re-emerge. We are not ready. The intense emotion is deflected from our vulnerable core, redirected and expressed instead as anger. The anger may be aimed at inanimate objects, complete strangers, friends or family. Anger may be directed at our dying or deceased loved one. Rationally, we know the person is not to be blamed. Emotionally, however, we may resent the person for causing us pain or for leaving us. We feel guilty for being angry, and this makes us more angry.
The normal reaction to feelings of helplessness and vulnerability is often a need to regain control–
If only we had sought medical attention sooner…
If only we got a second opinion from another doctor…
If only we had tried to be a better person toward them…
Secretly, we may make a deal with God or our higher power in an attempt to postpone the inevitable. This is a weaker line of defense to protect us from the painful reality.
Two types of depression are associated with mourning.
The first one is a reaction to practical implications relating to the loss. Sadness and regret predominate this type of depression. We worry about the costs and burial. We worry that, in our grief, we have spent less time with others that depend on us. This phase may be eased by simple clarification and reassurance. We may need a bit of helpful cooperation and a few kind words.
The second type of depression is more subtle and, in a sense, perhaps more private. It is our quiet preparation to separate and to bid our loved one farewell. Sometimes all we really need is a hug.
Reaching this stage of mourning is a gift not afforded to everyone. Death may be sudden and unexpected or we may never see beyond our anger or denial. It is not necessarily a mark of bravery to resist the inevitable and to deny ourselves the opportunity to make our peace. This phase is marked by withdrawal and calm. This is not a period of happiness and must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones that are terminally ill or aging appear to go through a final period of withdrawal. This is by no means a suggestion that they are aware of their own impending death or such, only that physical decline may be sufficient to produce a similar response. Their behavior implies that it is natural to reach a stage at which social interaction is limited. The dignity and grace shown by our dying loved ones may well be their last gift to us.
Source: https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/
At the end of the day, how you deal with Grief is a personal journey & should not be influenced by this post nor anyone else who imposes their views on you. However in knowing that there is no fix template to dealing with Grief, many a times we can get stuck in feel lost for a long time - weeks, months or even years.
Take these as thoughts you can ponder on as you re-navigate you way back to the starting point which seems to have be blurred.
*Worth noting that these are ways that I have help me in my time of losing a love one as well - as such is personal & individual not the law*
“Those who know your name trust in you, for you, LORD, have never forsaken those who seek you.” - Psalm 9:10 (NIV)
When I think of 'Release’, I mediate on the idea that I have someone or something to upload my emotions to. Something to almost fully take away what was once burdening ones heart & to ease that burden. I see it in 2 phases when it comes to ‘Release’: (1) Choice - to make the deliberate choice to no longer bear the weight of the load on your own & to surrender it to a higher authority or power (2) Letting go - to organically let your heart rest & the burden eases.
A few tangible activities that can help one achieve ‘Release’:
i. Meditation
Whether it be a early morning walk or quiet time in the morning, making time to be still & to regulate the voices clouding ones heart & mind proves to be highly beneficial in the process of Grief. Making that physical choice to do so will make all the difference.
ii. Counselling
Most people see this in a form of a person, i.e. medical counselling, how I see it is in engaging the the thing that you resist doing in terms of expressing your emotions. This will look different for many people - for me, it looks like sharing a thing or two more about how I’m feeling to the people around me who love me or even taking time to pray & seek god. Figure out what you resist in terms of expressing your emotions & work on small steps in doing it.
iii. Sleep
This is probably more so relevant for those of you who on a normal day already struggle with sleep (i.e. partial insomnia or medical insomnia). In your time of Grief, you will see this to be a painful & almost burdensome activity especially when all your emotions seem to cloud any form of physical rest. I personally find that a quick purchase of a form of aromatherapy (i.e. room spray, essential oils, aroma diffuser) is a good place to start to unwind. Taking practical steps to get you or your family members to bed is important - is reduces tension & allows you to get back to your normal routine quickly.
2. Talk ‘aka’ Communication
A brief mention of talking to love ones was discussed above but still I believe that this requires a category of its own especially so when internalizing pain - which ultimately is the biggest ‘Resistance Factor’ when moving thru the stages of Grief. Whether it be talking to a person, object, spirit or even engaging in any form of communication (i.e. online, offline, written, spoken, heard) it is important to remember that communication is key.
Some activities to consider:
i. Blogpost / Letter Writing / Instagram Post / Journalling
Just as I’m typing through this entry, it brings back memories of the passing of my grandfather when I was 19. My heart still aches but I look back at the time that has passed & have seen how far I have come since then. I find that writing gives one a 360 degree vantage point of things. The ability to look to the past, present & future just by penning down your thoughts. It also helps to be able to ‘Release’ pent up emotions & leave it on ‘paper’.
ii. Painting / Drawing
My twin sister brought meditative art to my attention when she curated ‘My Heart on Me’ - an avenue for anyone to be empowered through life. Through art, we will begin to unpack your experiences, thoughts, fears, hopes and dreams to be revealed more in yourself. Believing and knowing that the ups and downs of life, and for explanations beyond our comprehension, has made you you- perfect and wonderful.
For more click here - https://www.facebook.com/myheartonme/
iii. Community Groups / Spiritual Huddles
This is one that most Christians would be familiar with in terms of Life Groups, Cell Groups, Bible Study Groups, etc. However is not exclusive to the religion - church groups may appear to be exclusive in nature however do not be mislead many Christian groups are the direct opposite - constantly with their arms open to journey will anyone who may need it. Should spiritual groups not be your cup of team - Many secular organizations have community group that allow for public participation as well,
Prayer in my journey of Grief has been the MOST pinnacle factor that enabled me to embark on my personal journey of healing. For some background, I’ve lived my life since birth as a 2nd generation Methodist christian which basically means that I was born into the faith with no prior knowledge of ‘Why’ which therefore just meant that I was a Methodist christian. As you’d expect, growing up with the faith was filled with countless ‘highs’ & ‘lows’. It was only when I was baptized at the age of 19 (2012) - after the death of my grand father (2011) which was when I woke up to how blessed my life had been & how much I had relied on my faith without even truly knowing how much Grace & Mercy has been bestowed on me. You see the death of my grandfather came alongside a series of events - I did up a fundraiser - Project Overturned Closet for cancer patients in 2012 which opened my eye to much which in turn healed my broken heart.
I truly believe that all that stemmed from that singular ‘come hell or high water’ prayer that I said when my life seemed to be in a pit of endless despair. Personally, I cannot deny that tipping point in my life that broke the shackle of Grief & allowed me to heal.
4. Preserve Good Memories Only
This possibly might be one of the first few actions engaged in by many when Grieving - looking at old photos, videos, social media post when ‘they’ were once living. I find that this luxury is highly correlated to the relationship one has with the passed on individual. Estranged relationships or traumatic events can sometimes hinder one from seeing the Good in these memories.
Albeit easier said than done, it helps to come to a stage when one is able to look back on memories that were once beautiful rather than painful, memories that were once victorious rather than defeated, memories of blessing rather than regrets.
Some thoughts (of the deceased) kick start the process - ‘Remember only focus on the Good’:
i. What was the most accomplishing moment in his/her life?
ii. Recall the a fond memory you shared with him/her?
iii. What are the positive character traits of him/her?
Iv: What are some of memories of him/her that you’ll treasure forever?
5. Say ‘No’ to Negativity
This point may almost seem silly to some people - ‘if I could so ‘No’ to negative thoughts, wouldn’t I have done it already? - Well my point of view comes from a more deliberate & physical method of saying ‘No’ to Negative Company & Comments that might surround you in this time of Grief.
Ever had someone have tendencies to blame everything & everyone around them without vetting through their thoughts or actions? Ever had bad company ask you to engage in mindless, thoughtless or even illegal activities just to forget? Ever been peer pressured to ‘fuck it’ & not bother about your loves ones in Grief? Ever had someone around you make an insensitive remark & not feel apologetic about it?
Those are a few scenarios of Negativity manifesting into life that proves to be more detrimental than it may appear to be. In moments like these, I believe that ‘Guarding ones Heart’ has never been made more important. It does not make you a bad person by saying ‘No’ or even being adamant about saying ‘No’ to these moments of Negativity. You are allowed to Grief & should be able to Grief in your own time; anyone who says otherwise is foolish & deluded.
Some way to say ‘No’ to Negativity:
i. I think that’s enough. What’s done it done, please don’t make the situation any worst than it should be.
ii. I don’t think attending that party will help me with my pain. I won’t be going.
iii. My family needs me now. I think I’ll be staying by them.
iv. That not a nice thing you just said. Do hope that you’ll be respectful about what has happened.
And with that I’ve come to the end of the post. I just want to say that this read is in no way a blogpost telling you what you should do or must do. Like I’ve mentioned it’s just a way of locating the starting point when you seem at a lost & are unsure of how to move on in your process of Grief.
I hope that this has helped at least 1 person out there going through a difficult time in their life. Just remember that there is always someone who loves you & is waiting for you with open arms to heal your pain.
Well Yeap! That’s all from me! Let me know what you think!
Pop A Question in the ‘Ask-Me-Anything’ Tab Above <3
OR EVEN IF YOU NEED A LISTENING EAR TO UNLOAD YOUR PROBLEMS. DO DROP ME A COMMENT. YOU’RE NEVER ALONE!
Roman 12:2
Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.
Remember beauty is about being comfortable in your own skin. No one has the power to make you feel less than you really are.
