egads. @trollfonz-blog - Tumblr Blog

crap, meenah vwas JUST online. get back here and see howv happy i am.

i vwish i could help her more. i knowv im being a burden just by sticking around here mooching her time and energy. maybe i should learn to bake or something.

#quaint pastime but its not necessarily 8ENEATH me.

pathetic.

god todays been a lot to take on emotionally.

fuck.

#im going to play it cool but.#shes back.#and clearly still hates me.#things are going really svwell vwith damara and them.#shell find a vway to spoil that for me somehowv.#and as much as i probably deservwe to be sucked back to the furthest ring and chained to my past forevwer.#i #im clinging to this.#its quiet and soft here and i like it. its sincere.#its easy to feel real here vwith her.#damara i mean.#i hope im not taking advwantage of her.

i guess vwe are alike.

#in that vway.

okay.

i need to do something.

#it might as vwell be something impulsivwe yet undeniably positivwe.#i dont think id be endangering myself by just.#zapping ovwer there.#chances are shes not evwen present.#and i can just slip out.#see vwhat the deal is on her vworld.#howv openminded they are to autonomous bots.#pun intended.

wlw

someone: *genuinely cares about my self-destructive ass*

me:

honestly kind of ungrateful of him to be this cynical about havwing being THRUST back to life by, granted, an evwil blueblood, i had to take matters into my OWVN hands. in fact, he vwas probably enjoying being dead. i had no idea he VWAS dead, vwhich is a tad unsettling, but from his blog it sounds like he vwants to go back there.

#this isnt about me and horuss as coincidental as our respectivwe situations are.#its about vwig and cudi.

sadhoc

“i’m in kind of a weird mental place right now” i say, as if there are times when i am not in a weird mental place

howv do i ask for help vwithout making myself sound incompetent.

#my pans in a tailspin right nowv.#it actually has been since the svwitch.#im considering recruiting damara for guidance but ivwe been beating around the bush.#if anyone could relate to howv im feeling its her.

CRUD. i lost all my svweet dream loot huh.

#im sure ill be able to go back if i need to.#but id rather not look back.#hence that last post.

nowv i just. need to gather the rest of my thoughts. this is a lot more jarring than i anticipated it to be, and admittedly i should havwe spent more time preparing for the shift than i did. vwhich vwas none. but horuss didnt tell me howv awvkvward and stiff i vwould feel at first. or. howv it feels like my thoughts are being fed to me. mechanically. somehowv. is there anything organic left about me?

#i knowv that IM in here.#the. essence of me.#my soul inhabits this thing.#but a soul isnt tangible.#am i basically just haunting a me-shaped robot?

jesus shitting christ, so much has happened. is it absurd to comment that abovwe all else, im still thinking about that night vwith pizza? i vwas off my rocker to so flagrantly hate on discount maryam right in front of such a prime spade candidate, but i dont think he evwen understood vwhat vwas going on. and honestly, if anything, he vwas probably just amused. confusedly entertained. aroused, evwen? regardless, that vwas the dullest part of an experience that probably shone like a beacon of allure into the deepest trench of unforgivwing sad DARKNESS that vwas his boring life as a robotic nobody before i strolled onto the scene.

#i fuse vwith my newv bodyhusk and the only thing i can think about is my most recent experience as a ghost.#come ON youvwe got to look forvward.#starting. NOWV.#here i go.#looking forvward.#vwhere pizza hopefully is.

i keep trying to orchestrate things that make my life easier and more palatable to my tastes, but all ivwe EVWER been able to do is complicate evwery imaginable aspect of my plans. recent and upcoming situations are starting to feel like i chomped off more than i could chewv out of something seriously sinewvy.

#this is a gross analogy but im. actually hungry.#vwowv.

oh code fucking red.

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egads.