Endlessly troubled by the thought of you

[blossomfully]

I wanted to say something: “I’m sorry,” or perhaps “fuck you.” I wanted to say, “I let you in and you abused that position of trust.” But no no no. I wanted to say, “kiss me please please, we can forget everything.” Or maybe, maybe I just wanted to say, “I forgive you. You’re not sorry but I still forgive you.

S.Z. // Excerpt from a book I’ll never write #262  (via blossomfully)

[sadbreakupquotes-deactivated201]

why can’t i hate you? it’s like every time i try to hate you, my mind fills up with all the memories we used to live, the way you looked at me, your eyes which were my favorite colour and your heart which reminded me i was always safe with you. - Day 55

(via chocolate-pumkin)

[whisperingsuicide]

I saw him again

At least I think I did

I see him all the time

But this time I think it was actually him

Not a hallucination

His hair is longer now

I think he has more freckles too

He still looks the same to me though

A monster

He winked at me

He waved to my brother

I didn’t move

How could I?

After all

This was the person who hurt me the most

He violated me

My body

He raped me

And he thinks that it’s okay

That it’s funny

But that’s okay

I think I might kill myself

That would be pretty funny

If you ask me

[sad-dez]

Green light

When you were 17, you were finally old enough to take your drivers test. When you were 17, you were taught that every green light meant go and every red light meant stop. When you were 17, you were taught that love was good and drugs were bad.

When you were 18, you finally got your drivers license. When you were 18, every green light meant go, every yellow light meant stop and so did the red one. When you were 18, you learned that love gives you goosebumps and a funny colored neck and drugs were something you just didn’t respect.

When you were 19, you drove your car to school every day. When you were 19, every green light meant go, every yellow light meant sweaty hands and a nervous pass and every red light meant stop. When you were 19, you realized that love was a pain in the neck and a broken heart and drugs were a pack of cigs that you smoked in your car.

When you were 20, you drove your car to work every day. When you were 20, every green light meant go, every yellow light meant faster and every red light meant “hit the brakes or you’ll end up causing a disaster”. When you were 20, you knew that love was a rigged game and an unfair start and drugs were something to keep you from falling apart.

When you were 21, you drove your car over a bridge, just once. When you were 21, every green light meant go, every yellow light meant “why so slow” and every red light meant “come on, what are you waiting for?”. When you were 21, you found out that love was something your parents called drugs and drugs were something that you were taught was love.

[cherrys-acid]

Lets talk about how hard it is to open up to someone about being sad for no reason. Lets talk about how hard it is to explain to your friends and family that you have this heavy feeling in your chest for no reason. Lets talk about how hard it is to understand why you’re having a panic attack while just taking a walk back home. Lets talk about how hard it is to understand your own self and how scary it is to feel like the whole world is falling on your shoulders and you have no idea why .

[shimmywritings]

Someone told me ‘breaking’s the easy part’ And I guess they made that up because breaking is fucking hard; I’m trying to keep myself whole long enough until I’m home again But someone will notice my hands are shaking or how I’m actually not really smiling and they will ask or look at me with those eyes and I will cry Or no one will ask, and no one will notice that my hands are desperately searching for something to hold and they are shaking because they only know you No one will wonder how I can hold all my pieces and make it seem like they still stick together And you were a comfort I could come back to to tell me I still mattered Someone told me ‘breaking’s the easy part’ And now I know they made that up because breaking hasn’t been easy; I gather myself back up every morning trying to find the pieces that go together Sometimes I don’t have enough time to find them Some parts I haven’t seen in months And no one asks, even though they notice I see them flinch at that gaping hole where there used to be a comfort I could come back to telling me I still mattered

Breaking

(From my book ‘How I live with myself’, available on Etsy)

[extrasad]

1. In one universe only the two of us can breathe underwater and the bottom of the ocean is where we first said “I love you” 2. In another, time resets and we fall for each other all over again every time 3. We are flowers growing alone on opposite sides of the field but a little girl and her mother pluck us from our homes and put us in a vase where we wilt together 4. Here, the sky changes color and you can touch each other through the wind so every time I feel a breeze on the back of my neck I know it’s your mouth and I smile, you feel the wind whistle through your teeth 5. This universe we were the same age. We learned to drive at the same time and spent hours driving to see each other even just for one night and never minded radio station static or the way your back always starts to ache in the car 6. We grew up together, you lived down the street, running down hills together and holding hands when it snowed. You were there when I turned six. You were there when I turned sixteen. You loved me the whole time. 7. You never kissed that girl, I wasn’t scared of heights. Your parents didn’t fight, I wasn’t so far away. We both got enough sleep. 8. We never screamed “I hate you” at each other that one night when we fought over dinner at your older sister’s house. We never forgot that we loved each other. 9. We could live in outer space. We bought our own star and always took pictures of each other to hang on the walls. You never got tired of me. We could breathe there in a way we never could here 10. You only lived an hour away instead of the other side of the world. I never cried. Neither of us knew what tears tasted like.

Things work out for us in every universe but this one. (via extrasad)

[xxxxxxxxxxdeactivated-deactivat]

And I wish you would just tell me how you feel instead of me trying to figure it out because I don’t know what to think when one night we’re talking until 3 am and the next night you’re ignoring my calls. I don’t know what to think when one day you tell me everything will be alright and I’ll be ok and the next day you tell me to leave you alone. I don’t know what to think when you tell me you’ll always be here for me but when I need you, you disappear I don’t know what to think when it comes to you because one minute you’re here and the next minute you’re gone

Just tell me how you feel (via missingyouhurts)

[catastrophecreations]

and i know it wasnt love, because ive written more about you now than in the months we spent together. it wasnt love it was the sharing of time,and thoughts, and feelings, yet i never shared them all. and maybe thats why it never became love. but love is beautiful and magnificent, and what we had was nowhere close. love will bloom in time, but you tore the flower open, and now youre covered in the ability to love, but not the ability to create it. one day you will have a lovely garden, but first, you must learn how to tend it.

love is grown not forced (via catastrophecreations)

[tristamateer]

You date a boy and afterwards, I watch you turn him into a city. You say, this is the road where his car went over the guardrail and he walked away without a scratch and took three whole days to call you. You say, this is the road where you threw my flowers out to make room for him in the passenger seat. You say, this is the road between his house and our apartment. This is the restaurant you used to frequent with him, which is also where you took me for our first dinner date. This is the used condom we found stuck between the wall and my side of the bed. These are the sheets you still hadn’t changed by the time I moved in. This is someone else’s bed and I am laying awake at night in it, folding and unfolding city maps, wondering if there’s a casual way to say, “Hey, is your ex-boyfriend Rome? because everything leads back to him.”

ROME by Trista Mateer (via tristamateer)

[sophie-cecilia]

[pleasehearmedarling-deactivated]

I still remember the day when I told you I loved you, and you didn’t say it back. And I still ask myself why that was. So much of me wants to be grateful for the fact that you were kind enough not to tell me something that you didn’t mean–and I am. But I can’t not wonder what it was that made it so that you didn’t feel the same way. Sometimes I tell myself that I just reminded you too much of you, and it was harder to love me for that reason. Other times I tell myself it’s because of the way you liked my twin first, and so there was just no way that you’d slide into feelings for me so soon. What I really needed to know back then, those words that you wouldn’t tell me: What did I do wrong?

🖤 (via pleasehearmedarling)

[sunflowerletters]

The boy I loved, was like a lily. He was beautiful and vibrant. He was larger than life. He had a way of making everyday feel like we were living in a movie. He was popular, and commanded attention and respect. The boy I loved, was like a lily. He was big and beautiful. But me, I was always just the girl with the lily. I was only ever known, because I was with him. The boy I loved was like a rose. His love was the deepest shade of red I had ever seen. It was passionate, the silky shade consumed my soul whole. An all encompassing love that left me breathless. The boy I loved was like a rose. Because the closer I got to him, the deeper his thorns dig into my skin. Dragging me into a monstrous game of how close I could get to the edge, to the brink of death, before I toppled over. The boy I loved was like a daisy. He was kind, and he had a way of making everyday feel like spring. He was like a breath of fresh air, in a bleak reality. The boy I loved was like a daisy. He was fragile. And in the end even he couldn’t save me. The boy I will love will be like a sunflower. He’ll be strong and dependable. He’ll make my world brighter. He’ll make me smile whenever I peer into his face. He’ll be my favorite thing in the world. He’ll tell me he won’t save me, because I’ve already saved myself He’ll be worth the wait He’ll be worth the hardship and struggle He’ll be mine

Excerpt from a book I’ll never write (via sunflowerletters)

[se17enteen]

[died-n-came-back]

I know you can’t read this, and I know this isn’t your fault at all, but I wanted to let you know that she loves you. She loves you more than she’ll ever love anyone, and It breaks my heart when she says you were the only one who could make her happy, It tears me to pieces whenever she says you’re the reason for her to keep living, and it literally kills me everytime she says you’ll always be her only love, just like back when you were alive.

[feellnq]

28/05/17: I woke up to the sounds of screaming, and you cried to my pillow again. I made you coffee while you took reality in. Every night, another start, But every morning it ends the same. You told me stories and I kept you warm, And every night it began again. One morning I slept in Because I didn’t hear you scream. I never heard your voice again, Now I only see you in my sleep. This morning when I woke up, First I heard was a scream. I thought maybe you were back but this time it was my own peal.

(via feellnq)

[lattepoems-blog]

twenty days ago you held my hand and now you wont even look in my direction, dear, so id appreciate an explanation. was i too much, too little, too in between? was it me or was it you? did you stop loving me months or days ago? did you tell your friends about me, or did you keep quiet? did you ever even love me? you left me with heartbreak and questions and i just need to fucking know why

(via lattepoems)