True Bloo

[truebloosweater]

Im so mad. 

I dont have any thing to be mad about. 

But her voice is annoying me. Everything about her annoys me. Did i mention i live in a family members house now? Its been 3 years and i want to leave.

I hate it hete. But  my lazy ass who wastes alk their pay cant afford it.

I feel like i dont have a home. I hate it hete.

I want a home.

I miss home.

[truebloosweater]

On depression pills for at least half a year now. Maybe longer.

Still dont know my doctors name.

Have anjob. Scared it might not work out. Very scared. 

Dont think its depression anymore. I might just be lazy. Thought these pills woukd fix everyhting.

They dont. I dont want to try. Dont eant to.

My mood has been fluctuating a lot. I am still not happy. But then i am happy for an hour or maybe a day or maybe even a couple of days.

Then im not happy again. Now all i want to do is yell at everyone to shut up and go away. But i dont want to be alone. 

I want attention. Pay attention.

I just keep shaking.

[truebloosweater]

Shut. I always write here when im spiraling into a depression mode.

Work just finished for the year and im just trying to eat my tacos and there i am i  front of the fridge getting some cheese for those tacos and bam!

Dark thoughts. Bad thoughts. 

Mean thoughts.

Just hit me right in the head and i start listening to  cuz why the fuck not? I always have and theyre always right. So yeah.

So i just like saw a fuckingb ottomless pit and im just staring right at it and then i jist fall right in.

But as fast as im falling i realize i just reallyw ant my cheese. 

So i toldm yself to fuck off and gott hat damn cheese and ate way to many tacos.

[truebloosweater]

Ah ah ah. Bluh.

Nothing has changed. Nothing will change.

I dont want to change. I cant change.

I dont want know what ne​ed

Ugh bleh

Forget it.

[truebloosweater]

We had 3 days free from dad and second eldest boy who i will now refer to as boy.13.

It was nice. Peaceful.

Dad camd home everything got stressed.

I am stressed for no reason. No reason. No reason.

Ugh.

No reason.

None.

No.

In other news, i started a free trial of netflix. 

[truebloosweater]

Did i ever mention that my aging parents adopted 7 children three years ago?

The youngest was 3 and the oldest 13.

My mom was 59 and dad 51. 

Their house only had 3 bedrooms.

They converted the sunroom into 2 bedrooms.

Did i ever mention that i was the baby of the family?

And i hate kids?

[truebloosweater]

Apparently child 1 of 7 did not jailbrake their phone?

They werent lieing about that?

Oops? Awkward?

They are still being booted out in 2 years tho.

[truebloosweater]

I hate them.

No one is happy anymore.

And i hate it.

Is it wrong that i keep thinking i should die to get out of it?

Im just really angry and tired all the time.

I hate the decisions ive made.

This is all my fault.

Mine.

[truebloosweater]

Im trying. Im trying. Im trying.

Is the lie i keep telling myself.

Im not trying and i dont want to.

I just want everything to stop..

[truebloosweater]

Update.

Like usual my family is ignoring the fight and acting like nothing happenned, which i will go along with cuz its the only way i know how to deal with these awkward situations.

Overall im still meh abiut the whole thing and have decided not to love my dad anymore.

But then again the $50 he gave me helps. 

[truebloosweater]

so we made dinner for the family.

with food we paid for.

the kids wanted seconds.

but dad said no just give them a small scoop of beans.

and then he’s all like “you could have given them something else.”

so i’m “then why were you giving me shit about giving them seconds.”

and he snaps and starts yelling “i was giving you shit but i fucking will.”

and so i left.

and yeah.

dinner did not go well.

fuck him.

i was the last kid in the house that still fucking defended his dumbass and loved him but you know what fuck that.

he can rot in hell just like everyone else wants.

[truebloosweater]

I got yelled at today because i dont listen.

Which is fine cuz i wasnt listening.

[truebloosweater]

When I went to the bathroom i scratched my leg a lot and made it bleed a little and now it stings.

I should have put a bandaid on it but I didnt want to find one.

But it stings.

[truebloosweater]

I wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die.

I know i shouldnt be saying this especially when i dont truly mean it, but there is a part of me that is screaming it and wont stop till i say it.

Maybe it will quiet down now.

[truebloosweater]

I dont think i can survive another 40 years let alone work for that long.

[truebloosweater]

This one time in high school I was being really annoying like I always was. It was nothing new. And I had been bothering this girl in front of me for a while.

And then out of nowhere the girl turned around and shouted "Just shut up already!" 

And of course I instantly went quiet, as did the rest of the class. 

I felt very small in that moment. 

After a moments though the class returned to normal and I just in my seat staring down and trying to make myself as invisible as possible. I was never quite as talkative in that class again.

And you know I thought at the time that I would eventually forget about it but every now and then when I get too loud and someone gets angry and tells me to keep it down or be quiet or shut up, my mind always goes back to that time in high school.

Her name was Kathleen by the way.

[truebloosweater]

Okay so i might just be extremely apathetic or have passive suicidal thoughts?

Apparently it doesnt really matter what it is, at this point i should probably seek help due to their frequency.

But i mean its not like they come every day. And lately my days have been really good. Im not as sad as i was before. 

Maybe im coming out of this on my own?

Maybe.