& true seekers

[trueseeking]

———— private . do not follow without permission . ————

[tuskslove]

he follows her tortured logic -- or, more likely, her attempt of creating some sort of reasoning around his statements -- with furrowed, bemused brows. they somehow went from no secrets and lies, to being surrounded by them. this is why he doesn't lie, it is so needlessly complicated.

❛ wouldn't it only be a secret if you assumed, until this moment, that i was keeping something from you? ❜ it would make some strange amount of sense. what marriage isn't built on some secrets? in their class, the courtship dance is one big spectacle of lights and mirrors. did he not begin their acquaintance with a flimsy lie of his own?

[trueseeking]

the sharpening curve of her brow belies the fact that she knows, before she speaks, that her response is not quite a good-faith interpretation of his argument. ❛ your defense is that it only counts if I believe it? ❜ a secret perhaps, to take his words at direct value, but a lie? they have conflated too extensively two things that, while inexorably intertwined, possess too much their individual nuances.

after a moment, she laughs despite herself, the humor beneath her arch words breaking through. ❛ I find, ❜ she concedes wryly, rising as she speaks and taking the step between their chairs, ❛ that I don't have a particularly good retort. ❜ fingers brush the side of his neck, and she bends down to kiss him, lightly, and murmur, ❛ very well: you win. ❜

[tuskslove]

❛ that's not terrible sleuthing! you think you know sherlock holmes better than me? ❜ for her information, he's read all of the novels and played holmes on the holodeck several times with miles.

ugh, he wishes miles was watson, he wouldn't be so annoying.

❛ i am setting a standard here. and the standard is the objective truth, not the truth in the world according to lottie rose. ❜ if his work proves her right... well, fine. she'll owe him one. if not, he'll finally be rid of her. it is a win-win scenario, and sherlock holmes would be proud of how he used this situation to his advantage.

[trueseeking]

lottie is not — repeat, not — getting into an argument with julian bashir about their comparative familiarity with the writings of sir arthur conan doyle. she would not — again, repeat, not — get into that even if she thought she could win, because truly the last thing she desires is to spend the next several hours bickering over fictional pieces of writing while her life and future is in shambles.

but though she bites back the ( less than truthful, yet very instinctual ) assertion that yes of course she thinks she knows sherlock holmes better to than him, her self control isn't enough to inspire her to swallow the whole of his statements without argument. ❛ it is terrible sleuthing! tell me how 'show me where you hid the body' is setting a standard of objective truth? 'cause that sounds an awful lot like an assumption of guilt. ❜

her eyes narrow, and she adds, not quite under her breath but in a far more grumbling manner meant far more for herself than for him, ❛ I think many things would be averted if people took the truth in the world according to lottie rose as an objective — and thus important — truth. ❜

[tuskslove]

❛ drat, you saw right through my trap, ❜ julian says, snapping his fingers together. he didn't think that would work -- it just felt appropriately sherlockian -- but he also had not entirely not hoped it would. and speaking of things sherlock holmes would say: ❛ i am on the side of truth, miss rose. ❜

he felt, quite appropriately for once, that he has the upper hand. she can question him all she wants, he is her only ticket out of this infirmary. she is going to have to play nice, he thinks, smiling down at her gloatingly. ❛ may i ask: what side are you on? ❜

[trueseeking]

she doesn't correct him — doesn't insist on the professionalism of the honorific title her studies demand. it seems pedantic, and lottie recognizes that under current circumstances, she must pick her battles. not allowing herself to be assumed guilty until proven innocent is, under present circumstances, enough of a battle for one day.

❛ I am on the side of 'lottie doesn't get vilified by the entire station for something she didn't do.' which, seeing as I didn't do it — or, at least, didn't mean to do it and therefore cannot be held responsible for things beyond my power to prevent — is the truth. and if you're really on the side of truth, then you should be be approaching the whole case objectively, not starting with the assumption that I buried the metaphorical body! that's terrible sleuthing! sherlock holmes would never. ❜

[tuskslove]

his nose wrinkles at her suggestion. of course someone of her taste would suggest someone french. one written by an englishman, but still, so french! ❛ i believe the two of us can do better than ratiocination. ❜

looking down at her, julian, for the first time, begins to consider whether he actually believes she is guilty. whether he hates her enough to believe it without evidence, or thinks her incompetent enough that she could never pull off a crime without leaving a trail straight to her own quarters, or, somehow, something in between. whether these past few months of arguing with her have changed his mind at all.

❛ the scene of the crime, of course! go on, show me where you buried the body. ❜

[trueseeking]

❛ you realize that in asking where I buried the body, you're implying I'm guilty, right? ❜ somehow she has gone from victim, to sidekick, to culprit. her eyes narrow sharply. ❛ whose side are you on? are you trying to prove me guilty and not innocent? is this all some ploy of sisko's? ❜ lottie willfully ignores the part of her that reminds her that julian bashir does not need to be acting under any impetus than his own to wish to prove her guilty and ruin her life. she pays no greater heed to the fact that benjamin sisko would be unlikely to resort to any such ploy in trying to assess a situation — though julian himself might.

regardless, she is not leaving the infirmary until she knows that she has an ally ( however begrudging, however temporary ) in him. ❛ I will not fall into your trap! ❜

[tuskslove]

quite belatedly, he realizes exactly what he has done. somewhere in this conversation, he began to think he was winning. he got cocky. somewhere along the way, he thought, i have mastered the art of distracting my wife, and forgot that this whole thing had been a very happy accident to begin with. and in his hubris, he stopped measuring his words as carefully as he should have. she, on the other hand, never wavered, and caught him neatly in her own trap.

❛ i would, if there were any secrets, ❜ he says, cracking a smile. ❛ i may have overstated the existence of secrets by... well, claiming there was one. ❜ lifting her hand to his lips again, he presses a kiss to her palm. ❛ is lying about keeping secrets logical, my dear? ❜

[trueseeking]

❛ not hardly. although... I am afraid there may be a greater problem here than an absence of logic. ❜ for a moment as she lets the statement hang unexplained ( just long enough to raise the question, that she might not explain herself ), una considers reclaiming her hand in a pointed gesture. she determines it senseless; she cannot trouble herself to feign displeasure.

❛ after all, if there is in fact no secret, then arguably the absence of a secret has been the secret all along — and not only was the presence of a secret previously a lie, but now the absence of one is another. ❜ inadvertent and inherently contradictory though that reality might be. but though he might arguably be afforded some grace for at least one of the lies on the premise that, being contradictory it seems unfair to consider them both a negative, she remarks lightly ( far too lightly for her to set any weight in the observation ) instead, ❛ the lies here accumulate rather rapidly. ❜

[tuskslove]

❛ great! ❜ he exclaims, resisting the urge to twirl an imaginary moustache between his fingers. he has a funny feeling she would never let him live it down, even though he was the one doing her an incredible favour. it is only once they step out of the infirmary that the realization dawns on him: this is a terrible idea. hercule poirot solved his crimes by sitting back in a chair and thinking, letting the little grey cells do the work, and that technique wasn't going to do a single thing for a case like this.

❛ well, actually... ❜ pursing his lips, julian considers her little problem. ❛ if we are being specific here, i do believe i am going to "do sherlock holmes". not only is he a superior detective, being an englishman, his technique would be more useful for this particular incident. ❜ he snaps his fingers, pointing at her with a little grin. ❛ you can watson! ❜

[trueseeking]

lottie doesn't much care what detective he wants to model himself after — or what fictional sidekick he would thus cast her as. still, she cannot help herself. ❛ you're quite certain you wouldn't prefer le chevalier auguste dupin? ❜ while we're going through the whole catalog of renowned fictional detectives, she adds to herself. perhaps the one who started them all might have some appeal — even if he is french and thus likely to aggravate bashir's apparent english sensibilities...

❛ I assumed I was the poor innocent victim of heinous framing in this little mystery. ❜ then again, does the victim get to tag along with the detective? no. and is lottie going to sit back and let julian bashir rescue her from her unfortunate circumstances?

the thought is appalling... and not merely because he would prove absolutely insufferable. ❛ poirot, holmes, or dupin, my question stands: where do we begin? ❜

[tuskslove]

❛⠀ how are you supposed to properly conspire if you have people messing up your plans??⠀❜ that was not a very logical argument, but to be fair, neither was this entire conversation. the only conspiracy julian has ever been a part of is his own life, and he had little to do with its inception. ❛⠀ just think about it for a second: you need enough people to know to avoid someone coming in and removing an important piece of the board. it'd be a waste of time.⠀❜

pinching the bridge of his nose, he sighs, falling back on the ground, long legs splayed out, not caring if she trips. ❛⠀ one must consider the likelihood of discovery. if this was happening, they'd avoid doing this to someone with analytical thinking skills. they'd pick someone like worf, who'd be so busy thinking about survival, that he wouldn't stop to consider what was actually happening to him.⠀❜

❛⠀ we are terrible test-subjects,⠀❜ he finishes, not realizing he might have paid her a compliment.

[trueseeking]

❛ we are excellent test subjects! ❜ truly, how he fails to see the vision, lottie cannot fathom. ❛ worf would be predictable. ❜ predictable in a way that makes lottie in no small part wish he were here with them, because then someone could see to the practical aspects of their current predicament, leaving her free to lose her mind in the certainty that someone else had matters well in hand.

julian, sprawled on the ground, does not leave one with the impression of having matters well in hand. ❛ predictable and also unperturbed. from the standpoint of interesting psychological case studies, they need perturbed! and for that matter ❜ — perhaps more pragmatically speaking, as if there's any glimmer of pragmatism to be found in any of the nonsense she is espousing — ❛ starfleet is full of analytical thinkers. so you'd need to evaluate analytical thinkers to learn how the vast majority of your organization functions. ❜

❛ don't you think it's suspicious that it's you and me down here? that of all people you could have to travel to a conference to and get marooned on a goddamn planet with, it's me? ❜ the universe certainly has a sense of humor — it's proven as much time and time again over the years, and especially over lottie's time at deep space nine — but if she were going to pull two people to put in a metaphorical petrie dish under a microscope...

... she might be buying just a bit too much into her own conspiracy theory.

[tuskslove]

❛ of course you do. ❜ with each word he says, he buys another second to construct a lie. eventually, she won't settle for anything but the truth, and when that comes, he will need a convincing lie to share with her. it needs to be meaningful enough to warrant this entire conversation, but unimportant enough that the fact he was keeping a lie from her doesn't result in the door between their bedrooms being locked.

again, this is why he doesn't lie. there is no purpose to it. full honesty has always been his metric, and he has a particular distaste for half-lies, finding the act of omission to be more delibarate than whatever lie someone could come up with.

❛ the problem is that by keeping something from you, you must agree, i was acting illogically. my secret, therefore, must be as illogical as my choice. ❜

[trueseeking]

an arc returns to her brow, masking her wry amusement that he had brought them back to here. ❛ oh, so we are discussing secrets you are keeping from me, then? and here I thought you had merely been commenting upon a seemingly inexplicable societal trend. ❜ oh, the intimation has been there from the start — on both their parts — half-spoken and frequently danced away from. what need had she to belabor the inevitable implication, to hone in on that secret which by the logic of his own claim must exist, if he will do it himself? play her cards well, and she will never need to actually voice the question, nor exert herself in digging for answers behind his back.

( there is something unsettling, almost distasteful about such digging. it is something belonging to other marriages, in which secrets pose a threat and are not merely a pawn on a broader game board — a board on which they're never truly on opposing sides. )

[tuskslove]

❛ nope. again, your lack of culture is astounding! ❜ julian says, wearing that particular, smarmy smile of his. it starts in his eyes, with a self-satisfied glint and spreads to the curve of his mouth, and wraps around each word. ❛ we are famously incomprehensible. ❜

he was wrong to complain before, this is great. lottie rose, his little enemy, and he has to explain basic concepts to her. seriously, if the crime doesn't catch her, this conversation certainly will, he plans to present a detailed report to commander sisko as soon as they clear her name. because he is going to help her, because not only is he a good, giving person, and it won't be fun otherwise.

❛ of course! i've always wanted an assistant. ❜

[trueseeking]

❛ assistant! ❜ the exclamation is instinctive, and lottie wrinkles her nose in distaste. ❛ of course, I suppose you just must... ❜ lottie stops the indignant accusation — one which would likely have spiraled to complain about the ego of doctors. ❛ you know what? fine. you want to cosplay as hercule poirot? you can hercule poirot. beggars can't be choosers and I might lose my mind if I have to sit in this infirmary for one more minute. ❜

and a part of her, a part of her that is rapidly cheering up by the moment, thinks this might be enormously entertaining, and as a woman currently accused of a crime she has not committed ( or, at least, for which she cannot be held accountable ), she deserves some entertainment.

❛ where, oh great detective, do we begin? ❜

[tuskslove]

❛⠀very incompetent!⠀❜ julian exclaims, almost immediately, their words colliding together, their petty bickering disturbing a nesting bird from a nearby tree. it is probably not the ideal moment or place to be arguing about being stranded on a strange planet, rather than actually locating a water source or attempting to repair the ship's communication systems to reach deep space nine, but julian wants someone to blame, and blame, unlike water, is easy to throw around.

and on some level, buried beneath the noise of his own indignation, he recognizes he has dragged lottie down to his level. instead of being her useful self, she was going toe-to-toe with him.

without anyone to reign in his worst impulses, he simply continues ruminating, stewing in his fear and anger, all elbows. ❛⠀too late,⠀❜ he interrupts again, scoffing, missing the start of her monologue entirely.

❛⠀you seem very familiar with the workings of federationconspiracies.⠀❜ and for once, unwilling to sound as foolish as she just had, he stops himself after only one sentence.

[trueseeking]

with a snort, lottie rises to her feet, paces a few strides away, and then returns. ❛ it's just common sense! if you're doing conspiracy, then you don't want people to know you're doing conspiracy! ❜ she has, a rational part of lottie, currently banished to the back of her mind, perhaps gotten slightly too invested in her imagined conspiracy.

unlike julian, she has not been stranded on a planet before, not been through a crash, not done any number of dangerous space things. she hates how reassuring the thought is that this is all part of some plan, that it's controlled, that someone is observing, that should things go south they can be pulled to safety...

she does know better. she does know that being pulled to safety is entirely dependent on someone noticing they're gone. which don't happen until julian fails to arrive for his presentation, until deep space nine can be notified of his absence, until their course can be tracked and, hopefully, they can be found. however, just because she knows it doesn't means she wants to face it. even recognizing her own avoidance tactics doesn't disincline her to pursue them.

[tuskslove]

reaching forward, he catches her hand again in his, lifting it to his mouth to press a kiss to her fingers. ❛ thank you. ❜ her words are not an apology. she has conceded her error. she has not apologized those were very different things, and while he is sure he could distract her further by pointing that out, he feels it is a cheap trick, and he respects her far too much to inject such a weak ploy in his nonsense.

❛ let me see if i follow your line of thinking, ❜ he says, then stops, lifting his free hand to forestall any arguments. ❛ ah, ah. i wish to avoid further misunderstandings. indulge me, please, my dear. let me see -- because it is something that must be done, it must be for a reason. must my reason be logical or will you accept one of the illogical sort? ❜

[trueseeking]

though there is nothing to thank her for, though she might heap that illogic upon all the rest ( from this conversation and from countless past ), though momentary protest flickers through her expression, still, she softens as he repeats back to her — without distortion — the logic of her amended, implicit question. how foolish of her, to have attempted to ask the question outright.

she slips her fingers between his, smiles. ❛ you know that I will always prefer a logical explanation... but I begin to suspect ❜ ( really, she has suspected from the start ) ❛ that there is no logical reason to be had here — is there? because if not, I suppose I will have to content myself with the truth, however illogical it may be. ❜

[tuskslove]

❛ was that what you were asking? ❜ he drawls, smiling as if butter couldn't melt in his mouth, the very picture of innocence with his brow furrowed and lips slightly parted as she explains herself, nodding every so often, as though it were all beginning to make perfect sense.

part of him does not fully understand the situation. he understands what she is saying, of course, just as well as he understood her original question, but the situation itself, exactly how he had ended up here, listening to her discourse at length on the subject, and how in the world would he ever manage doing this again, he is far less certain of.

he would just need to try. play. the less closely he followed what he was supposed to be doing, and instead just allowed himself to try, the better his results, it seemed. it made no sense, and there were days he thought those enigmatic eyes of hers were going to make him go gray early.

what a way to go, though.

❛ hmm. perhaps that is it. you made an undue assumption of there being a benefit to keeping a secret. i only said a man must have his secrets. i never insinuated this was for any greater purpose. that was entirely your own creation. ❜

[trueseeking]

una does not rise to the bait — does not deign to assert that, yes, that was what she was asking, nor to challenge him as to what else he possibly could have thought she meant. the only acknowledgment the question receives is a pointed, if fleeting, glare, less annoyance than a reminder that she is not for a moment fooled by the seeming ingenuousness.

however, the conclusion was not entirely of her own creation, una thinks. whether or not he had intentionally insinuated as much, the word 'must' suggests plenty. ❛ very well. I concede my error. however, if something must be done — not merely is often done, or may be done — ❜ those, one might attribute merely to the realm of possibility, or to the irrationality of human nature. ❛ that cannot be for no reason. ❜

[tuskslove]

❛ oh, come on! i made it obvious, it is not my fault you obviously lack culture, rose! ❜

the iconic phrase, the incredible accent-work (in his own opinion), it is obvious! was he going to need to ask the replicator for a stick-on moustache for her to put the puzzle pieces together? ❛ poirot! hercule poirot, the greatest detective in the world, the belgian detective, ❜ he says, punctuating each title with a finger.

this whole situation might not be worth poirot's attention, but instead of complaining to him -- which is an entirely separate conversation, why did she come to him at all, when there are several other people on the station who do not despise the very sight of her, is something he cannot begin to wrap his head around -- she could be taking a page out of one of his many excellent books and figuring this out herself.

❛ i'll spell it out for you -- since obviously you don't have any little grey cells under all that hair: instead of trying to make this whole situation about everyone else and screaming you are innocent, why not prove it? ❜

[trueseeking]

❛ I thought you were just telling me to sleuth out your magic solution! it's not my fault you don't know how to communicate clearly. isn't that a skill that a doctor's supposed to have? ❜ stooping to insulting doctor julian bashir, while satisfying, accomplished less than nothing and quite likely undermined — well, not any good will, but whatever it was that had kept him thus far from simply up and leaving the infirmary and thus leaving her to stew alone.

she forces herself to settle, to rein in outrage and frustration and all the helplessness of feeling like no one's listening. and all considered, it's not a terrible suggestion. she'd much rather scream. her eyes narrow at him. ❛ fine. but I'm not supposed to be wandering the station, so you have to come with me. ❜ supervision, and all that... ( again, lottie's certain that sisko had made no such exception, but she's willing to ask forgiveness, and not permission ).

[tuskslove]

❛ of course i have a better suggestion! ❜ annoyed by her focus on the silly research, he flips the switch off the terminal before skittering back and flopping down on one of the couches, long legs dangling from the arm. ❛ you are just trying to distract yourself from your eventual imprisonment by odo by looking at statistics. ❜

propping himself up on his elbows, he smiles at her, all teeth. ❛ it's a common avoidance tactic, miss psychologist, i'm surprised you didn't notice, ❜ he says before flopping back on his back to think of something better.

if he were being accused he would... probably be pacing back and forth in the o'briens' quarters, ranting non-stop until miles shook him and told him to use his big old brain to find a way out.

if lottie isn't guilty, someone else is. it is quite obvious, really, he doesn't know why she hasn't suggested it yet.

❛ use your little grey cells mon ami, ❜ julian declares, in a truly dreadful belgian accent.

[trueseeking]

lottie chokes off what would have been a frustrated screech as the console before her powers down, and it emerges from her throat instead mangled. ❛ you know, sometimes there's nothing wrong with avoidance. what else am I going to do with my time? ❜ forbidden from accessing the computers ( at least without her made-up exception of supervision ), asked to remain either within her quarters ( nixed for being far too solitary ) or the infirmary ( questionable company is still company )... her list of options is thin at best.

in a moment of less distress, she would laugh at the egregious accent. as it is, she looks for something she might throw at him — finds nothing suitable within reach, and contents herself instead with slumping miserably in the chair, staring up at the ceiling. ❛ the least you could do would be to tell me your grand suggestion and not make me figure it out myself. but, no, of course you can't afford me even that decency in my darkest hour! ❜

[tuskslove]

for a brief instant, he considers the parameters of her study. it would make for an interesting comparative analysis, though he is not entirely sure what it would contribute to the broader literature, given that deep space nine is very much an exception to every rule in the quadrant, and a gateway to another.

❛ i thought you weren't supposed to use the terminals, ❜ julian says, anger giving way to merriment after he proved to himself she was full of bullshit. he doesn't need to point out the obvious flaws in her study -- he will write them up, the lack of a control group, was, for starters, a glaring flaw that some of her supposed intellect should have picked up on -- there were many other things he could say. for example: ❛ i don't think trying to make everyone else look guilty is a great show of innocence. ❜

[trueseeking]

lottie waves a hand erratically, dismissing the accusation. ❛ I'm using a terminal under supervision. ❜ does that make it better? lottie isn't actually sure, but she presents the excuse with confidence — never mind that julian bashir should be anyone's last idea of suitable supervision.

❛ and I'm not trying to prove everyone else guilty. I'm trying to establish a baseline expectation. because if this is on par — or even minimal compared to — the norm, then I cannot reasonably be held at fault for it. ❜ at least not with a glaring amount of hypocrisy. ❛ or at least, if I am to be, then a lot of other people ought to be, too. ❜ she looks up suddenly from the terminal, saccharine smile upon her face. ❛ unless you have a better suggestion for clearing my innocent name? ❜

[tuskslove]

christopher watches the trail of her fingers, the elegant line of her figure as she settles into the chair across from him, the deliberate lift of her brow as she chides him. he could, he thinks, now count a great many benefits to keeping secrets from one's wife, if this was to be her approach to interrogation every single time.

❛ well, for starters, to avoid any other misconceptions, i would ask what you see as value in that question? ❜ he says, lacing his hands over his stomach. he has learned from her, that much is certain, that much was a necessity: learned how to misdirect a conversation until it bears little resemblance to what was originally being discussed. otherwise, he would never have discovered how to dance her back around to any serious discussion.

❛ the monetary value? i suppose many secrets from one's wife do include money. ❜

[trueseeking]

for a moment, brief though it is, a shadow of confusion furrows her brow as she searches for some logic she misses in the request for clarification. she does not find it, and it is easy enough to conclude with fond, if exasperated, amusement that he overlooked the question's inherent contradiction. ❛ considering that I am asking about the nature of the value in question, I do not think I can be the one to define it. that is, unless I am to answer my own question? ❜

she does not pause to allow an answer — the question does not require it. ❛ if monetary value is the answer, however, then I am afraid I will remain bewildered. while many such secrets do include money... ❜ she parrots his own phrasing back to him, deliberate. ❛ they often seem to include rather financial concerns than financial benefits, and thus the value is not monetary at all, but rather that of avoiding a quarrel. but if one did not put oneself in a position to need to avoid a quarrel in the first place, then there would be no need to keep a secret to do so. ❜

❛ so, if maintaining a secret is as necessary as you said, then there must be some other advantage. ❜ and please do, the deceptive lightness to her tone challenges, enlighten me. ❛ or perhaps I make an undue assumption in assuming an advantage and not some other underlying cause? ❜