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september 9

So, yesterday, September 8th, I had my appointment at the YWCA.

Not gonna lie, I was pretty freaked out. Took a shot before I walked in Christy's, my youth pastor, house. Her and I went to the Y together.

I had an anxiety attack in the parking lot.

We had to buzz in for them to open the door. That sort of freaked me out and reminded me of the hospital. We took the elevator up. That was really sketchy. Just an old building, but still was not helping.

A lady gave me some paper work to fill out, and directed us to the 4th floor. Took the stairs this time. I was having a hard time with the paper work. What brought you in? When did the incident happen? Explain what happened during the assault. I thought I was only there to talk about what services they provided.

Nope.

I had to tell my whole story.. Well Christy helped me with that. I can't really talk about it. It's too hard. I don't know when I will ever be able to.

The lady (I think her name was Susan?) finally came out and got us. I had to explain to her who Christy was, and that it was okay she was coming back with us. I would have died without Christy there. Oh my goodness. Lets be real, I wouldn't have gone if she was not there.

Susan kind of flipped through the sheets I filled out (Well, Christy filled them out while I was having a nervous break down still).

Kay. Back up... When I am really nervous my learning disability (yes I have a learning disability) Auditory Processing Disorder, always seems to get significantly worse. She was asking me questions like what year of school was I finishing up with. How much money I make. My living situation. Seem like easy questions, right? Yeah well I was not understanding them right away. (Thank you, Christy, for helping me with my uncontrollable nervousness and for answering simple questions for me that I was not understanding for the life of me).

Then Susan asked me specifically what had happened, and I tried talking, but I really could not do it, so I turned to Christy (Again, if she did not come with me, I would have been fucked). Susan kind of worked off of that.

Kay. I cannot tell you how many times she said "sexual assault", but it was making me SO uncomfortable. Like, I was getting so upset. I mean, it is probably just habit since she works with people who have been sexually assaulted, but still. It was annoying. Even when people I know say it, it makes me feel sick... Or "rape" which is worse in my ears.

I felt like Susan was trying to counsel me, but I already knew everything she was saying. I know that I have a voice. I know that everything is ultimately my decision. I know that it was not my fault for what happened.. Well that one is something I have been told numerous times and have yet to believe. So most of the meeting all I really said was, "Yeah". "Okay". She just talked the whole time.. Every once in awhile Christy would jump in with an explanation that I could not give. But that's how it went.

She did give me some resources in the community that could help me. One was a support group at the Y. I was really annoyed and sad to hear that I could not bring anyone with me to the support group just to come for encouragement and support.. They want to make it "survivors only" so everyone feels like it is a safe environment to talk. I get it, but, I personally, would be terrified to go by myself. It makes me wanna puke just thinking about it.

She also gave me a few counselors names that would be good for me.

I honestly thought she was going to give me more information than what she gave. I thought the whole point of the 1hr and 30 min appointment was to give me some resources... not to try and fix all of my feelings and problems there.

Once it was over, I was just really overwhelmed with everything.. This is usually what happens.. When I go into a nervous situation where it involves me talking about my feelings, I can express myself some-what, but not completely and my thoughts are foggy. When I was out of the meeting, I was finally able to process all of that happened at the meeting...and then I got really upset. I forgot to say this, I didn't say that. She said something that is NOW making sense to me, or making me upset.. On and on and on in my head.

I got really upset. When I am upset, and angry I often do reckless shit.

After I went back to Christy's house, I hung out a little. Then I left without saying goodbye. Not gonna lie.. I was feeling pretty shitty and suicidal at this point. I was just pissed that the Y didn't offer more therapy. I felt like I was never going to get help.

I Took a shot and drove to a city 45 minutes away from me where my guy friend, Connor, lives. (whom I find attractive and he likes me the same way). He just turned 21 last weekend. His parents were gone in Italy or something like that. We were drinking. Unfortunately, It really doesn't take me much to start feeling buzzed. I was feeling the "buzzed" feeling and I was also in a "fuck it, what else could go wrong?" kind of mood which is never good.

Connor and I had sex. During that time, there were moments were I would have really in depth flashbacks of my assault, and in those moments I couldn't breathe. Again, I was in a "fuck it" kind of mood so I just let it happen. In the moments I felt pain last night, it would make me feel numb and paralyzed.. I just laid there as if I was lifeless and I didn't care what he did to me. I was completely checked out.. What would be so bad if I was raped again?

To be clear, Connor did NOT rape me. That was the first time I did anything with a guy since my rape.

It is safe to say, my head is not on straight right now. Last night I think I was having the worst flash backs, anxiety attacks, and panic attacks I have ever had. And in turn, the worst sleep.

Still in a "fuck it" mood, I drove myself home with alcohol in my system. Well, I didn't actually go home. I went back to my city.

I sat in my car. I got out of my car. I cried. I shouted. I puked. I asked for God to take away my life. I self-harmed. Repeat.. Repeat.. I passed out.

I passed out in my car... I didn't come home until 1:00am. I was not sure how long I was gone, but it felt like a long time. I thought like I might have died for a little bit of time that night.

I drove home, and laid awake for the rest of the night in a lot of fear.

#sexualassault #ywca #shots #alcohol #nervous #scared

september seven

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow I go to the ywca... Where I will talk to a counselor about what services they provide for people like me struggling with... rape.

Last night, all night, my heart was racing. It felt like it was going to fall out of my chest it pounding so hard. At one point I sat up in bed confused and scared of where I was, and what was happening. -- That was my panic attack episode for the night.

It was so annoying, because it kept me up. The constant thumping in my chest. It went on all night, not even exaggerating. From the moment I closed my eyes until the moment I decided to get out of bed to start my day.

Some things parents will never understand, right? Well my parents don't understand that by me being home is getting in the way of me getting help for working through my stuff with my rape. I understand they want to support me and have told me multiple times that they will do anything to help.

But they don't understand that they can't help me with this stuff. I need professionals, and I really need space from my broken family. My parents, my brother, and I are all having a hard time with what is going on with me. I can't be home to see everyone heart-broken, or even be around them knowing that deep down they are.

I feel more comfortable being around people who I know will be strong while I am going through this. I feel more able and willing to tell them how I feel, because they are at a healthier state of mind and they also all have some sort of experience with this stuff. One friend of mine had a daughter go through this. My other friend, a youth minister, deals with heavy shit everyday with her students. My parents don't have this experience.

Frankly, if I had a kid and they would rather talk to someone else about their emotions, feelings, you name it.. I'd be so happy that they have that person to talk to in their life. In my opinion, sometimes the one's closest to you are too close to be able to be emotionally strong as they too feel a lot of your pain.

I just wish so badly my parents would just accept the fact I have different people in my life for different reasons.. Some more important than others, but at the end of the day I love them all because they are in my life.

GUILT:

I feel so guilty though... Guilty that I am not away at school like I am supposed to be. Guilty for all of my parents emotional pain. Guilty that I am not mentally healthy, or emotionally strong. Guilty for my rape.

It's all my fault all of this is happening. It's my fault my parents feel like shit. It's my fault I decided to stay back home and not go away to school. It's my fault I was raped. It just is. How can I say it is not?

You would tell me that it is not my fault I was raped, right? Well it was my choice to walk back alone. It was my choice to go to the bathroom one last time before I went to bed. And I am fucking naive, and I hate myself everyday for it. Everyday.

I am not strong enough yet to write or even speak of what happened to me that night. I wish it was easier.

I really do. It's so hard.

So so hard.

#rape #guilt #parents #allmyfault #ywca #panicattack #racingheart #sad