trustonlystars

Poet

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Death is my new sister. I tell her haunting stories about life. I have seen death so closely, it sits as shadows next to me. I am not afraid of it anymore. Death keeps pushing me towars life now, so cruel it took everything and pushed me back.

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Today has been so patient with me, I had to wait for my ride, for my order, for my appointment, a little too long. Life is teaching me to sit with myself and all this wisdom sits so close to my table now. I am invited to feel this silence and solitude. My heart, is an inch away from where it should be, my mind an ocean away. This was a day of detours, a day of long rides back home, a day of not getting a few things done, but I am strong believer now, of 'Trust the delays and detours'. Life has blessed me enough, to not fret over little interruptions. Today, has been so patient with me.

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It took me so long to tell myself that I was the only one in love, you only walked in and out.

It took me a trip to another country, to travel a distance this far so I could look at your lies and sit with my truth. I am not lying to myself anymore. Some realisations come to you unannounced. Some times in the middle of the ocean, on a drive uphill. I sat with all my emotions for him, and heard them speak to each other. I was the only one in love, he only walked in and out. I dont think I should have ever been in love in an empty home.

I added fairy lights to things that kept breaking, I kept preserving them and called it vintage love. It wasn't. They were broken pieces that could only leave cuts on my skin, and they did. It took me so many cuts to realise I should have walked out that door.

That home wasn't mine.

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I come back to these pages when what I really want to do is run to you.

And I know I can't, because I don't want to. I always saw love stories where lovers fell apart, they were torn apart, I heard of stories, of relations that parent's wouldnt approve of, where society wouldnt approve of, I knew of all such stories - I just never thought I would be living one.

Because I also knew stories of when love won, I also saw stories where you fought for love, where you waited and waited, and never gave up. I also saw stories that felt like they were written right out of fairytales, and I always believed that was true. I always believed in those kind of stories. I look so well put together, you should see how I break when I fall, and I always do, but I now know how to pick myself back up. I didn't want to, but now I do pick myself back up, but I just don't know what to do of this love, where can I put it down?

-trustonlystars

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I still look pretty, carrying anxiety. I am always pretty, even at my worst. When anxiety found its way back to me, eerything felt loud - conversations, visuals, light, it was all noise. I felt unsafe, really unsafe. This city I grew up in, felt distant. As if I was in a strange place now. Losing a parent, then losing a pet can make you feel really anxious. They were always my safety nets, they took care of my heart more than I ever could. Grief can bring heavy anxiety along, and anxiety is nothing but us feeling absolutely unsafe.

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I realised, most of the storms in my life were because I was stirring the cyclone.

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The universe will have to send down an angel to tell me to let go a love like this. I want to see how you do it. I want to see how someone breaks my belief. I will see truth in their eyes. May you have the courage to break my heart. May you have the strength to hold me. May you have a really strong reason to ask me to let go of a love like this. May you be a hundred times sure before you fly towards me. No- my heart isn't breaking. I am sure yours will. We found each other after I don't know how many ages and my heart is slowly getting tired of fighting. It's a blessing to forget then - may you wipe out my memories from his heart.

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The power of, I will do what's right, not what I want. Is where we crush every little pieces of us.

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You dont understand the anxiety when doctors ask you to wait outside while they treat your family member.

And you stand there carrying everything they might need. You are on your toes, peeping through the glass door because it aches to leave them alone.

I've been there twice, first for mom, now for Bubu.

My entire life feels like I am standing outside now. I am at the heavens door. I have all the things that she would need. Her eyes need to be wiped every morning, then you apply this gel, and then give her a treat. Eyedrops after 15 minutes. She eats carrots as snacks. Here's her bowl. Her towel. Her brush. Her shampoo. Please take care of her. I really hope someone in heaven can take care of her. I really pray someone in the heaven can notice when she needs something. Someone in the heaven can hug when she walks towards them. She's extremely sensitive just like me, so please read her eyes.

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When you lose your pet, the grief shows up in your body. It's in my routine, hides behind the muscle memory. It's in the morning hugs. The 'Good morning bubu'. Sleepy eyes. Slow stretch. Asking for treats.

We used to walk out of the room, and she would sit next to the shelf where her treats and meds were kept. I'd wipe her eyes clean first, apply some oitment, and offer a treat. I don't know what to do when I wake up now, I stay in my bed longer. I've lost my anchor. I can't throw away her eye ointment. There's a routine attached, and my body still remembers it.

My hands reach out to pet, to caress, to hold. I miss her scent. My feet are careful as I get out of bed, not to step on her. There's no one. My feet still pause. It's when I open any food pack. No footsteps come running to me. She's not there, I still wait. Its when I open the door to receive an order, my foot reaches out to stop her so she wouldn't go barking at the delivery person. How do I tell myself not to do it?

How do I tell my hands we can’t caress her anymore? How do I stop looking for her? There's grief in my body, it's in my routine. It's in remembering the yearly vaccination dates, knowing the time to deworm. It's in taking care. How do I tell myself that there's no one to take care of?

There's grief in every corner. It lives quietly. My body hasn’t learned that she’s gone.

- trustonlystars | I miss you Obu

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Ah, I didn't ever think I would type this out. But my love could only bring me to this season. It is really time, J. I know we like denials, and we love staying in our minds, where everything is so hopeful, where every story has a way to win, but it looks like, out of all the things, it is love that would rip me apart. It is time, J, to let go. And I cannot tell you this in poetry, I don't have poems left in me to offer you gentle words. I only have daggers and swords, and before we use them to go at someone else, I would rather pierce them in these pages, empty pages, and my drafts; it does not have to kill anyone. This story was a fairytale, sure it was, it ended like one. It feels like the book has ended, so I'm rereading the last chapter. But now someone's pulling the book out of my hands. I can feel my hands failing to hold it.

Last chapter | trustonlystars

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Life has taught me enough about when to not give up. I have learned that giving up before time only increases our pain and everyone else's. It takes away that one last card that miracle had to play. Miracles are always looking for a heart that is filled with love, waiting for one glimpse- miracles go to their door. Not someone who has put out the lights on the main door and sits inside weeping. Miracles always find the one who lights lamps in every corner; with faith that the darkness will give itself up for our light.

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I want my most magical news to come to me when I am doing what I love doing, when I am talking about magic to an audience full of people who really want to know, when I am backstage, couple of minutes before delivering one of most magic performances, when I am coaching someone who reminds me of past younger self, showing them the road, the one that exists but you dont know it does, the very same road that I did not see so it took me a lifetime to get to that destination but here I was handing it out to someone who could skip that distance and listen to me only because they believe in my learnings. I want my most magical news to be delivered to me when I make magic happen, and just then, magic decides to visit my life instead. I want my magical news to come to me when I am not thinking about it at all.

- trustonlystars | Jannie

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The silence that follows when you know that something you prayed for will never come true. It was just a post but seeing his like shattered something within me. It was a silent acceptance. There's so much that silence feeds on inside me. This silence is growing further, and i don't want to give this space out so easily to those who just pour pour, i want to stop holding space for people who only keep pouring into me and walk away. I don't want to be the bin. I have heartaches that are too heavy to hold. I am slowly taking back the hope from people who are lifting it. I don't want to face questions in people's eyes.

There's always a love story that dies. Maybe I thought it took us ages to meet again. Maybe there are more ages to go before we meet. Maybe there's a next life waiting for us to come together with everything aligning. Maybe we'll be from the same caste, same city, same surname and then it'll all be a piece of cake, everything will seamlesly fall into place. Maybe then, i won't be so far away from you. Maybe then I'd want to marry you at 22. Maybe then I'd love you and propose to you. Maybe then I'd call your family mine. Maybe then, I won't die in silence. Maybe then I'll save these tears. I'm sure there is some lifetime where we meet.naybe this is not the one.

- trustonlystars

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This chapter of my life is called - "Falling in Place 🍁"

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If you can’t fix the weather l, please for god sake please fix my heart. When you’re in situations that feel out of control, take a step back and ask the universe to fix your heart.

My heart far away from home is really soft. When no one is looking at me, everything feels like such a small problem. Something I can simply let it pass if that’s brings peace. It’s not the cost but the things you trade for peace. Am I okay with an empty home?

Will I find my stories here? Can you ever find yourself in places you have never been before? I left my soul at a corner. I don’t remember my way back home. I am a little scared of new streets, a little disinterested by the cobblestones, I’m falling out of love with all things dead.

We had magic wrapped in every box I turned, behind every door, some times it’s right there on the wall clock.

It’s a disaster, my mind, and a nightmare to get myself out of there. Ever since we closed the gates to Imagination, my mind has been going wild with the real. I don’t remember being crafted for real, we were meant to sit by the river in old villages, holding hands.

We closed the gates to imagination. Delusion was left stranded on the door, it thought it could walk past the wall that even blocked air so my heart couldn’t breathe blood, how delusional? My mind is clear, it cannot sit with something real.

We hesitate with reality, our world was always just a smile, we saw love as moss over drenched hearts. And we always had a melting heart but now, the gates to imagination are closed. I see less now, we are going blind every single day.

- trustonlystars | Jannie

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Keep knocking, and I’ll keep falling. There must be somewhere I can go after all this, you’re convincing me this love won’t be easy. My heart has stopped at the gate. I’m not carrying any shields to this battlefield. You said I must fight, I’m here to be defeated. And you must see how I bleed. Every single bruise will bleed, and my bare hands will fall next to me. The seasons are gone, the story is over, the songs have stopped playing. Turn me into ashes, please. I’ll trust your plans. I will. Just tell me, but the angels don’t know what to say. They’re standing with me in defeat. If everyone I knew lost, then who won?

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