Sage 1X1

ALL PARENTS DAMAGE THEIR CHILDREN. YOUTH, LIKE PRISTINE GLASS, ABSORBS THE PRINTS OF ITS HANDLERS. SOME PARENTS SMUDGE, OTHERS CRACK, A FEW SHATTER CHILDHOODS COMPLETELY INTO JAGGED LITTLE PIECES, BEYOND REPAIR

[mcavoy]

[books-n-quotes]

“We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered.”

— Tom Stoppard, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead (via books-n-quotes)

[books-n-quotes]

“And remember this, that if you’ve been hated, you’ve also been loved.”

— Henry James, The Portrait of a Lady (via books-n-quotes)

[inkhcart]

“You love him. The story still ends.”

— there is no absolution for the fallen, only the dying | p.d  (via emilyofrph)

[lukemitchells]

[thisyearsboy-deactivated2019012]

                                                             Buffy, maybe we shouldn’t -                                                                  Don’t. Just… kiss me.

[6killshit]

Stuck between idk, idc & idgaf.

[trvnsfiguration]

Nonsexual acts of Intimacy - Select from the following for my muse to respond to...

♔ : Finding your muse wearing their clothes

♕: Holding hands

♖: Having their hair washed by your muse

♗: Your muse falling asleep with their head in my muse's lap.

♘: Cuddling in a blanket fort

♙: Sharing a bed

♚: Head scratches

♛: Sharing a dessert

♜: Shoulder rubs

♝: Reading a book together

♞: Caring for each other while ill (specify which party is which)

♟: Patching up a wound

♤: Taking a bath together

♧: Your muse playing with their hair

♡: Accidentally falling asleep together

♢: Forehead or cheek kisses

♠: Your muse adjusting their jewelry/neck tie/ etc.

♣: Back scratches

♥: Your muse crying about something

♦: Slow dancing

[musingmemes]

send me ♣ + a ship and i’ll tell you…

who is the better dancer?

who likes the outdoors more and who likes the indoors more?

who’s a cat person and who’s a dog person?

who’s more social?

who makes the bed every morning?

who likes to keep the house cold and who likes to keep the house warm?

who takes longer getting ready?

who likes scary movies and who likes funny ones?

who screams when they see a bug and who ends up killing it?

who is more technology challenged?

who would be more likely to burn something in the oven?

who talks in their sleep?

who leaves the cap off the toothpaste?

who likes getting dressed up more?

who’s better at tying ties?

who recorded the answering machine message on the house phone?

who’s better at planning romantic things?

who takes up more space in the closet?

who has more of a sweet tooth?

who drinks more often?

who is most likely to laugh during a serious situation?

[trvnsfiguration]

brighteyed-evans:

Though it’d only been a year or so since her days in Hogwarts, Lily felt like a completely different person then she’d been. She’d been naive enough to believe that her friendships from those days were going to last forever. Some would, to some degree, but most did not. Truthfully, Lily had always had reservations about being with James, and he proved her right in the end. As the war got darker, his possession of her got stronger. In the name of ‘keeping her safe’ he tried to suffocate who she was, and the strength that she harbored. No one had wanted to admit to it, but he’d grown controlling, and Lily had too much conviction to stay in a relationship that dampened her spirits. 

As most things do, it ended up going to far. Upon realizing that he couldn’t control her by simply using the war as an excuse, he started to lash out at her with his words. The fight that followed had ended everything, and despite her efforts, it ruined the majority of her major relationships. Out of her group of girls, Mary had been the only one to stand by her. While Remus didn’t blame her, he chose not to go against James and he’d all but declared her out of their little family. Her and Mary had gotten their own flat instead, and she’d never been happier. 

Learning who she was without him, without them, was a new experience. Many late night talks had been dedicated to the subject of how little they knew about themselves without their group, and in the end, it’d been beneficial for both her and Mary. Seeing them all at Order meetings had been hard at first, but it got easier as she started to piece back the bits of her heart that stung with betrayal. Rabastan had helped soothe it. His presence couldn’t fix the hurt she felt, but having a healthy relationship with him allowed her to remember what she was worth - how good things could really be. 

The tension was fully drained from her body at the realization that they were going to be spending a night together. It wouldn’t be her first night crashing at his flat, but it’d be the first night they shared together. Her hand gave his a light squeeze as she laughed, her head tipping back from the force of it, “The bachelor; I knew you couldn’t resist” she grinned. However, Lily turned so that her body was facing his, her legs crossing as she set their hands in her lap. “As much as I love watching that bloody show with you, I think I’d much rather talk. I’m sure you’ve got question, and I would be happy to answer them. I want you to know me fully - I want to know you completely” she admitted. 

Overwhelmed but in the best possible way he let out a low laugh, his eyes leaving her face and seeking solace elsewhere but he never found it. It wasn’t in the carpet or on the streets, it was only here, with her hand in his. Rabastan knew better than to make one person his world, his reason and he promised himself right there and then that he wouldn’t do that to Lily. To grow, to become something that might last, he couldn’t think she was going to save him, he had to save himself.

“I’m not sure what to ask.” He admitted. Now the door was open there was so much to know, to ask, to learn. He realized as well that she’d have questions for him and he was afraid again, he tensed. Would she run from him? If she knew the extent of his---if she learned about who he was outside of this apartment, outside of dark alleys already broken, would she change her mind about wanting to be with him. 

“Lily I--” He didn’t want this to get so difficult, so quickly. And yet everything with him was complicated and hard. But she was here, she’d seen some of it and she kept coming back to him. He tried to hold on to hope, he gripped it tight with both hands. “I want to get to know you, the stupid stuff like favorite color and---all the muggle things you did as a kid or something. But I know you’re going to ask about me too and I just want you to be prepared for answers that might not be---happy.”

[trvnsfiguration]

brighteyed-evans:

In a fairytale, that first night would have been enough. After a night of patching him up, talking candidly, and a small spark of affection igniting, they would have woken up the next morning and decided to pursue happily ever after. Neither of them believed in such a fate, not really. Lily knew she held affection for him, but she buried it, and it didn’t come at once. It grew as they spent time together, turning from affection, to attraction, to caring, to something beyond general friendship. Lily didn’t do things in halves, she never could, but that didn’t mean she gave herself up all at once. She unfolded in pieces, and the moment someone flinched away, she stopped unfolding all together. Rabastan hadn’t flinched. 

Despite the euphoria that hung between them, Lily knew the harsh realities of this. She knew that sometimes love wasn’t enough, and that relationships required more. They required effort, making the choice to love someone despite how difficult things were, and compromise. There was real danger presented to both of them at being together, but they were clever, careful, and willing to make it work. Lily’s thumb rubbed soothing circles over his hand as they sat there, both thinking, both feeling. Happiness was new to him, and she could see in the way he ducked down that it wasn’t something he was used to expression. In time she hoped he’d feel safe enough to show it around her. 

Looking at him, she could tell that he didn’t quite believe her, and that was okay. Lily had decided that he was worth it, but there was very little that would chance her stance. She’d learned to fight for what was important to her, and this, the possibility of them, was. His eyes flickered from her own green hues to her lips and she found herself leaning forwards so that she met him halfway. His lips brushed against her in a soft kiss. There wasn’t the heat, the lust that had been there before, but it was perfect. It was gentle and warm. Her hand laced with his, and she couldn’t imagine anything better than this. “I’m glad you did” she whispered, not pulling back far. 

As impulsive and emotion ruled as she could be, Lily was logical and she knew that nothing about this would be easy; nothing worth it never was. Lily didn’t mind the challenge of it all and she’d much rather try than live in the what if. The aftermath of tonight was something they could focus on later. For now, she wanted to just be in this moment. Her hand slowly moved to cup his face, but with a gentleness that hadn’t been there the first time. It was a caress not an act of passion. “I’d love to” she agreed, and she would. A hint of a blush rose on her cheeks but there was a relaxed smile on her lips as she answered, “I want nothing more than to stay with you tonight; to just be close” she hummed. Truthfully, she was happy he didn’t want to rush this. She’d be more than content to just lay in his arms. 

Time, he needed more time. It seemed to be the thing he lacked the most, in front of compassion, empathy; even darkness he seemed to have in abundance as the seconds of his life fell through an hourglass. Everything slowed down when she was near, he heard her laugh, felt her care, all so much more compact and clear than any other moments in his life, everything except the pain. Though he’d told her why he picked fights, why he let himself lose and why she wasn’t allowed to heal everything when she did he knew; Rabastan knew his habit was self destructive, masochistic and he felt he couldn’t blame anyone for that but himself, not even his father. But he did deserve it, that much had been drilled into him so often and so harshly that he couldn’t shake it. 

The man he’d become was still so controlled, it was why he had this apartment in secret, a chance to explore who he was without any other influence. Bas found he liked old records, that noise was necessary for him and that’s why he loved the train that rattled by just a block away. It was why he had music playing every second he was there if he wasn’t asleep and sometimes even then. He had loads of tea and even an electric kettle and he found he enjoyed muggle tech. But who he was inside was still a mystery to him. He knew there was love inside, that he had it in spares to give but she offered him the same peace he got when he was being battered and the very idea he could escape his self destruction through love was hitting him hard.

He didn’t want to rush it, not at all, for some reason he was convinced this could last if they were smart, if they were careful and if their love was strong enough. It was foolish, he knew the realities were harsh but when she smiled at him, those eyes so focused on him, so full of-----he knew, he knew he’d likely give his life to protect hers and he’d risk it all to be with her.

When she said yes he relaxed further, letting go of some lingering tension in his body, a task that used to be incredibly difficult for him to do. He held onto her hand but made no move to get closer, it had to be organic or he’d know he was willing something false into existence just by mere desire. “So, the bachelor then? Or do you want to talk?” if she had more questions for him, she seemed to have a couple every so often, he was happy to answer and it would be nice to get to know her. Her favorite things, her pet peeves, her secret hopes and dreams. The kinds of things couples talked about on dates, dates they had before they ended up in bed together, dates Rabastan had never had before.

[books-n-quotes]

The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.

J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring (via books-n-quotes)

[trvnsfiguration]

brighteyed-evans:

Seeing the mix of emotions pass through him as she spoke caused a weight to come off her shoulders. There was a hint of fear behind his eyes, but there was always pure elation, and she hoped that he’d focused on that, and that she could ease his fear over time. Lily wanted the opportunity to reassure him. A warm smile spread on her lips as he ducked his head, but she wished he’d look backup. Happiness looked so good on him, and she wanted to make him feel that way as often as possible. Humming she nodded, “That was the first night. I don’t know Bas, but the moment I saw you in that alley I just - was drawn to you I guess. When we were talking I think some part of me felt something more,” she admitted. 

Instinctively, her hand moved so that it was resting overtop of his. Lily was thankful that he’d moved closer, and that she could feel his warmth again. A wide smile formed on her lips as she uncurled her body and allowed herself to be closer and more open to him, “I loved kissing you, and even if - even if it’d gone terribly wrong, I wouldn’t regret it. Our nights together are the best part of my week, Bas. I look forward to them. because I like spending time with you. I just love being around you” she reiterated, expanding on her points. 

Having him close again was comforting, reassuring, and Lily didn’t want to break this bubble of happiness that they were in. “You’re worth it, Bas. This, us, you - it’s worth it” she whispered. 

The truth was that he felt the same way, maybe it wasn’t as clear for him because his fear and his doubt always crept in, especially when he was on the verge of true happiness. But Bas had felt something that first night, care and strength wrapped itself around her and she had extended it to him. What she was saying was very romantic and almost bordered on talk of fate, which he had to ignore. This couldn’t be a fairytale, it had to be real, because fairytales only had happy endings and his life just never worked out that way. Both feet on the ground, that’s how he had to go into this, if it was going to work.

Her hand on his was a comfort and they’d had soft touches like this, embraces that were warm and comfortable but this was different. It wasn’t tentative or controlled, she never was it seemed, she could read him as if  he were an open book even though he thought he was shut tight. She repeated herself like he’d asked and a warmth spread through his chest, but perhaps that was just the potion she’d given or the sign he was mending, physically and emotionally perhaps. His euphoric grin was hard to hide but he looked down again anyway, his ability to show happiness quite out of practice.

She unfolded herself, just another sign that this was mutual, it was helping them both blossom. She spoke of his worth and his face fell slightly, he wanted so badly to believe her but it wasn’t that simple. Maybe he was but that was something they’d both have to find out. But them, the two of them, what he felt for her? That might just be worth it. He tried not to overthink it again as he leaned in, eyes on hers until they flicked to her lips. This kiss was soft, it had love behind it instead of lust, not unlike the first one she’d planted on him just a bit ago. He didn’t hold her face in his hands, he didn’t run his fingers through her hair but he squeezed the hand she’d placed on his, these small touches meant more to him than anything else she could, or had, done. “I just had to do that, the right way, at least once.”

This wouldn’t be easy and he knew she realized that but she wanted to try and that made him want to try too. Without her reassurance he might never have admitted to his feelings and while he felt incredible now he wasn’t sure how long it would last. “Stay.” he blushed, looked away but came back to her again, those intoxicating green eyes. “Stay tonight. Not for sex or anything, but just---stay.” he laughed, normally he had a way with words but she had this effect on him, turning his brain to jello, his words to rambling nothings.

[trvnsfiguration]

brighteyed-evans:

Mary had been there when she had decided to leave James, and she’d helped her through it. Despite the fact that she’d been friends with him as well, she prioritized Lily’s feelings over his. Out of their friends, she was the only one to do so. She was still in contact with the others, but it felt weird, like a definite disconnect. After everything James had put her through, their friends had continued to justify his actions, and because of that she didn’t trust them nearly as much. It’d been Mary that stood by her, and validated her feelings. Growing closer to Rabastan had been a blessing. Though she’d lost people that were once her world, he was providing her with a healthy friendship. 

Laughing softly, she shook her head, “I understand that. It’s hard not to get invested when you watch it religiously. Plus, they never seem to make the right choice, even if it’s right in front of them” she agreed. Even so, Lily had looked forward to those nights they spent curled up on the couch watching the ridiculous show. 

Instead of trying to interject, she waited him out. She knew that Bas wasn’t used to opening up and he didn’t do it easily nor often, so she listened. Lily gave him her full attention, even if she was a little nervous about what the outcome would be. As he spoke, a blush formed high up on her cheek bones. She had wanted to, but to some degree she was glad they hadn’t. It’d be best to have this conversation now as opposed to after they’d crossed the line. 

She was curious as to what it was that held him back, but as he continued to ramble, Lily started to put the pieces together. Her heart hammered in her chest as he continued, as he opened his heart and put it out there for her. The fact he trusted her enough to be open gave her the courage to do the same, “I’m glad you stopped us, because I didn’t want it to be just a one time things, or well you know just sex, and I wouldn’t have known how to bring it up afterwards, I don’t think,” she admitted softly. Lily looked up at him, her eyes meeting his carefully as she continued, “I’ve had feelings for you for a while. Honestly I think they started the night we sat on my weird little rug. I want more too, and I’m glad we didn’t sleep together under those circumstances, but I - I loved kissing you. I just like being around you; sometimes so much so that it’s overwhelming” she confessed. 

When she mentioned things being right in front of them his smile faltered. He didn’t want to read into that but how could he not? she was right in front of him and it seemed like she had feelings and he was denying them both the opportunity to explore it. With his fear, with how terrible his life had been and the things he’d done he had thought she could do better ,that she would, that she deserved more than a broken boy. But she kept showing up at his place, and they would talk and watch shows and eat. Whether either of them had realized it or not this had already become something more than mere friendship.

He hung on every word she spoke now, doing his best not to miss anything she said, to hear her and not just listen. He felt a mixture of elation, pure joy and extreme fear but fear had ruled his life for far too long. He was glad they’d stopped but he wanted that to happen, he couldn’t deny he wanted her like that. Still, it was more, he wanted more. She admitted she had feelings for him and he couldn’t stop the innocent and happy smile that grew on his face as he looked away, trying, for some reason, to hide his happiness. “That was the first night.” He said aloud, but he’d felt the same way. He didn’t remember a lot of what happened that night but he had enough to cherish the memory. 

Without overthinking it he scooted all the way over until he was touching her legs, it wasn’t sexual, just close. “say it again.” he asked earnestly, looking at her. He wanted to hear that she loved kissing him, that she liked being around him, that her feelings were overwhelming because he felt the same way. No one had ever cared for him the way she did, no one prioritized his feelings, no one allowed him space to hurt like she did. How could he not be falling for her?

[trvnsfiguration]

brighteyed-evans:

A small smile formed on her lips at his words. Any other day and she’d be glowing with the fondness he felt towards Mary, but at the moment it made her stomach twist uncomfortably. “I’ll keep her” she grinned. Mary was her girl through and through and if there was anyone she could rely on at this point, it was her blonde. Lily wasn’t sure if he was trying to make a point, but she’d taken the hint. It’d been a miscalculation on her end. “He was horrible, I agree, but I know you get into it” she teased, closing off any residual pain. 

The space between them felt like a damn abyss, and she hated it. Now that she’d had a taste of the warmth of his body, the bubble of happiness she’d been in for only a moment, she felt the coldness sweep through her at the loss of him. At his suggestion, Lily set her food to the side - she’d only taken a few bites of it - and tucked her knees under her. Her hands held the bottom of her sleeves as she nodded, “Yeah, of course”. Beyond that, Lily wasn’t entirely sure what to say. 

He nodded at her comment on Mary, when he’d met the blonde he’d been surprised how well she took to him. Bas was not used to being liked but Mary was genuine and she even joked with him. Something felt changed and he hated it, if they couldn’t be friends anymore he’d be destroyed, she was the closest thing he’d ever had to a friend and it would be such a foolish thing to lose her over a less than innocent moment of lust and vulnerability. “I do and that’s the issue. If I don’t watch it I can’t get emotionally invested, and then mad when they inevitably choose the wrong person.” He liked the show and he honestly watched it on his own so he could yell at the television and throw popcorn at it.

She put her food down and he felt like an ass, he didn’t mean to ruin her appetite---well, that appetite anyway. Or now, he supposed, he’d ruined both. Guilt swept through him as she curled into herself, physically she had made herself very small. “I umm---” he didn’t know what to say, it all felt so awkward and she seemed quite upset by it. Whether that was him stopping or it happening at all he didn’t know. 

 Bas was so tired of hiding everything, how he felt, why he felt it and he never thought he’d have to do that, about this, with Lily. When they’d become closer he had been so grateful and now he was afraid it was gone so he chose to be honest instead of awkward. “I was umm, I joked around maybe too much but it seemed like---it seemed like you wanted to--” he blushed red and ran both hands through his hair. “Lily I--I wanted to do that, I initiated it and the only reason I stopped was because--” could he admit to his feelings?

“It wasn’t even the roughness of it or the lust I was feeling. I stopped because of how you kissed me, that first one, the timid one.” He was rambling, he’d lost his train of thought and inhibition and now it was just word vomit. “because I think I---I have these feelings for you and I never acted on them before but that---I loved that, I wanted that I just didn’t want you to think I was just some guy after sex. I want ---I want more than that and I didn’t want to sleep with you under those circumstances.”

[trvnsfiguration]

brighteyed-evans:

There was still a linger of vibrations running through her, but she did her best to calm herself. Busing herself did wonders for forcing her body to relax. It was easy to focus on the task at hand, and not at the way her lips still tasted like his, nor the thoughts that were raging through her mind. He’d kissed her back, but as much as Lily wanted it to be mutual, there was a part of her that feared that he was being ruled by lust. She couldn’t be sure, and though she tended to be more impulsive, she wasn’t sure she could initiate something so risky again.

Usually when she came over, she brought some form of dinner with her. Lily liked all kinds of cuisine, but she quickly realized which ones Bas preferred and tended to stick with those ones. Once in a while she brought over food that Mary made - it was a treat for both of them. She was thankful that her roommate was a wonderful cook. 

Turning slightly she smiled softly, “New Thai place; Mac said it was really good and worth checking out” she hummed. Grabbing two forks and the plates she moved closer so that she could hand him one. Lily had composed herself during their slight intermission, but she still wasn’t entirely relaxed. There were things that should be said, but part of her was afraid to deal with them. Laughing slightly, she shook her head, “You can deny it all you want, but I know you like it” Lily shot back, making her way over to the couch. “I’m not too picky, as long as it isn’t a Western film I’m content” the red head answered. 

He accepted the plate and immediately shoveled some into his mouth, he was really starving. “Mary has great suggestions, love that girl.” he followed her to the couch as he shoveled more of it into his mouth, sitting down with napkin in hand. “No listen, I hated the last guy so no way this one is worse but still. I could do without that drama in my life.” He was done with his food in moments and set the plate aside, getting comfortable despite the six feet of space now between them. 

It was impossible to forget how close they’d been just minutes ago and he longed to have her back in his arms. But it would be different, if he had planned it. The whole thing was so impulsive but he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. “Maybe umm---” he rubbed his chin in discomfort and thought. “--talk about it?” how he’d get through the conversation was a mystery. 

[trvnsfiguration]

brighteyed-evans:

Her touch was gentle in the areas that he’d been injured. Despite the change of pace, it wasn’t forgotten that he was still healing - still injured. Still, she focused on the sensation of it all. The energy that was flooding her veins, making her nerves vibrate intensely. Though she’d been in a long term relationship previously, Lily had never felt anything like this before. Rationally, she knew that things were moving too fast, but she allowed herself to give into the feelings she’d had harbored for so long. 

If she were honest, Lily didn’t just want sex. Her heart called to him, but to put that on the line was risky and it made her vulnerable. Reaching out with her body was easier than reaching out with her heart. They were friends though, and the last thing she wanted was to ruin that. Having her lips on his shut down everything doubt she had. It was electrifying and more than she ever could have expected it to be. However, all too soon it was ending, and it took her mere seconds to come down from the lust high to realize that he was pulling away. She moved off his lap easily, a cold feeling spreading through her as she did. 

His words were like a dosing of cold water being dumped over her; they made her heart stutter. Lily pushed down whatever emotions she was feeling and focused on the apology that she desperately owed him, “No, no don’t be sorry that was - that was my fault I knew better - I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to - I’m sorry” she finished lamely. Lily had forgotten about the food until he brought it up, and she nodded, giving him an almost reassuring smile, “Yeah, right of course,” she agreed. 

Once he left the room she ran her fingers through her hair, calming herself. As hard as she tried, she could feel the sting rising in her chest. She’d been stupid; reckless to think he’d want her beyond friendship. Maybe for sex, but even still he was right, they shouldn’t be involved like that. It’d be messy and as much as she wanted to believe she could be impartial, she knew in her hearts she couldn’t be. Part of her wanted to flee, to lick her wounds, but the other part of her knew she’d feel worse if she did. Lily would much rather have his friendship than nothing at all. Heading into his kitchen, she hopped up on the counter to get down a couple of plates for them. She divided up the food as she waited for him to come back out. 

She was apologizing and he was hurt by that, that she thought it was only her that should even say it, that he hadn’t wanted it as much as she did. In the bathroom he pulled on the jeans, talking himself down to get rid of any lingering blood flow. He checked his newly healed ribs and let himself breathe, pulling into the sweatshirt. The ghost of her lips was still on his, running his fingertips over them didn’t seem to change that. Of everything that had just happened it was that kiss, the first one, cautious and unsure, that would stick with him.

When he came back out she was still there and he relaxed slightly with that fact. She’d gotten plates and put out food and he realized in that moment how hungry he was as his stomach growled audibly. Part of him wanted to make a joke, that he was hungry for her but it died on his tongue, that wasn’t just a fantasy now they’d---gone there. 

“Where did this come from? New Thai place or somewhere else?” He loved what she brought, except for two or three times she’d gotten some weird stuff. He was adventurous with food, among other things, but some stuff was too much even for him. “I downloaded hulu today, I’m sure we can find a movie and I refuse to watch the bachelor again.” he smiled at her, his usual guarded and yet happy grin. He knew they couldn’t just ignore what had happened and it would need to be addressed but he hoped she was okay, it didn’t look like she’d cried at least.