I reached my "ugw", and dropped even further. And I have just one thing to say:
We all seek control, perfection, beauty, affection, recognition, and praise for accomplishments we have reached. But this almost ruined my life.
I was cold all the time, even wearing 4 layers of hoodie and knitted wool sweaters.
My mom was scared I wasn't eating.
My sister was poking dun at me, and talking down on her own looks.
My dad used my body and weight as a laughing stock during a party, and calling him out only made everything awkward. To this day, he says I "ruined his birthday for him."
I reached the lowest weight I'd had in more than 10 years. And it cost me everything. My friends. My family's joy. My sister's self-acceptance. My body heat. My confidence. My motivation for life in general.
I'm now feeling much, much, much better. And I pray this podt will support and motivate others. Hope is there. You can be happy not showing iff skin and bones, but confidence and curves. You can be happy again. You can be who your inner child would look up to and tell he/she is proud of.
We all know a certain content creator whom I'll not name for the sake of uoung people on here. EC is about how intense it was getting. And I now look back at pictures and ask, why was I punishing myself like this?
Whether it was the abuse, the social awkwardness, or the fact my body was changing, it doesn't matter. I didn't deserve that. Neither do you.
EC is beyond recovery at this point in time. Do not let that be you.
Another creator I followed pfr a long time. She had ups and downs. Now, she's gone. And though I never knew her outside social media, Aly is forever on my mind. I catch myself thinking about her, her passing, her family and friends at least once or twice every year. And my heart breaks. Because she made a difference. She was real and raw. And she tried her effing best no matter what she did. She was a kind, loving, sweet young woman who deserved better. And I see all of us in her. I see myself and every brother and sister I have in this world in her. And every day is harder, knowing she didn't make it. Knowing EC won't make it. How she has so far is a mystery.
The fainting spells aren't worth it. The concussions weren't either.
The years and years of at home tryna-do-better therapy I have to undergo every day still isn't worth out. I can't eat in front of people. I can barely eat alone. The only reason I do is because my lovely dog reminds me and needs me to.
I still can't look in the mirrors for too long. I am not yet completely satisfied with my body, but I'm far happier with lumps and jiggle than I was with bones and veins. I love looking like a grown woman and not like a 10 year old girl. The speed at which the change happened was just surprising.
The bruises and marks weren't pretty. And the people pointing it out felt Luke being stabbed in the gut repeatedly.
The substances weren't at all good. Hell. I WISH I HAD NEVER BEEN THERE. It messed my body and mind and sound up so bad. I can still feel the rush of one of the hooks, and I wish that upon no one. Not even my worst enemy. Not even my abusers.
Gaining weight again was a bigger and better high than any other. Yes, even better than losing 10 lbs and reaching a milestone. I'm finally the ideal normal weight for my height, age, and gender.
I was never admitted for any of my issues. My latest dip down the dumpster fire of weight control issues were caused by a toxic, unstable, abusive relationship. He was on everything under the sun, and all I did ruined things in his mind, so he took it out on me, and I was so anxious and full of anger and hate and regret and shame, that I started losing my appetite and weight again. It was the only thing I could control at that point.
I've done a lot since my last post on here. And I've done bad things, but also amazing and great things. I moved out on my own. I got a dog, she's basically my service dog, and about to be trained to be one officially, and I'm going to have some of my poems, short stories and paintings shown at an exhibit locally. I'm controlling how my life is going to function to benefit me and shield and take care of me so I can be the best me I can become. Most importantly, I am teaching myself to love myself unconditionally again. I lost my best friend of 5 or 6 years. But I'm okay with that. It wasn't beneficial for both of us in the end. And we're moving in different directions. That's a part of life. Things are starting to make more sense now at 25, and I am learning to love life in all its sugar, spice, and everything that's nice. Also, the chem X (powerpuff girls reference here). I'm allowing myself to be "childish", quirky, weird, and extra, because being unapologetically me is the best thing. That's a good thing to control. How you think about things in life, to shrug off people's opinion, to force yourself to do the scary thing sometimes in small doses and then becoming more and more brave.
Additionally, my sister's not as self-deprecating as she was. That's the best part about staying alive and staying healthy.
I hope the bedt for you all. Get out while you can. Get better. For me, for Aly, for all of those that couldn't.
baratheonpilled
yousharknotpass
turnnoffyourmind
jacobvanloon
romaincrisis
snowghoul
