she/her. 20s. this guy makes me want to write again. just a writing blog. everything here is pretty self-indulgent, hence requests will be difficult. icon by: noaprugna @ tumblr
a small note of gratitude to everyone who shows their appreciation to my works by liking, reblogging, and merely reading them. i can’t stress enough how these little things bring rare and genuine joy to my constantly tired self.
actually,
i used to write for another fandom back in 2016-2017. back then, after publishing my first 2 or so fanfictions, i felt the pressure to release on a weekly basis as if people were waiting for them (fun fact: they weren’t). i was also following some big blogs and caught myself comparing my posts’ notes to theirs, more than i’d like to admit. this caused me to be very insecure of my writing. it was a constant struggle--trying to write well, thinking of how those big bloggers would write this and that, meeting “deadlines”, then feeling inadequate because of the number of notes. eventually, i dropped the pen and never picked it up again since then.
my peers know this, especially my best friend. sometimes she’d tell me how much she’d like to read my writing again someday. but, whenever she brings it up, my chest would physically hurt and it’d make me teary eyed. once upon a time, writing was something i loved doing, until i fell victim to my insecurities’ whispering. it was like parting with someone you loved with all your heart and missing them terribly dearly.
then haikyuu!! came along (thank you seungkwan) and so did this salty beanpole. he made me want to write again. ha made me daydream of him in these hypothetical scenarios. he gave me the push i needed to hold the pen again. with all my heart, if tsukishima kei was a real person, i would smile at him with tears in my eyes and tell him, “Thank you. For everything.”.
then i’d watch him be confused asf because, “The heck you talkin’ about?”. XDD
if i am to be completely honest, i still have yet grown out of the habit of comparing myself to others. “old habits die hard,” i guess. but i’ve gotten better at reminding myself that writing is supposed to be fun, to be my creative outlet amidst my logical tasks in the real world, and to be done because i want to share my hypothetical scenarios involving Tsukki. It’s not a competition of any sort.
it’s nerve-wrecking to wait and see if people like these scenarios that i put up, but when even 10 or 5 people show that they like it too, i become happy. “ah, they like it too. heheh. (>/////<)”.
that’s why, i thank you for the show of appreciation you have for my writings. i am deeply, truly thankful.
anyways, please welcome, my new “emotionally constipated” favorite:
i’m going to try and write for this guy as well. but, with all honesty, i find him difficult to write for. harder than tsukki, yes. he’s a tad more complicated, i think. i tried writing for him once and i ended up scrapping it because it felt off.
i might just delete that one piece and rewrite it into something else. i’ve always liked that concept of second button and i think that one is kinda meh.
update: i deleted it. i'll try rewriting it when I have time because college is a b*.
apparently this account has to continue having activities or else my future posts will not show in tags. so, let me just say that I have been feeling angsty. hence the angst-theme writing lately.
genre: angst, drabble
synopsis: You withhold displeasure, knowing how you are no better than he is.
word count: ~700
Tsukishima Kei. College senior and professional volleyball player for Sendai Frogs. Height? Tall. Skin? Fair. Face? Handsome. Personality consists of being indifferent to many while adequately expressive to selected few. And he wears glasses. Even back in high school, ladies adore him. They would yell his name during games, squeal and add, “Tsukishima is so cool!”, followed by cheers in different phrases.
Hinata himself said, “Tsukishima never does anything uncool”. And you believe that.
Or so you did.
The clock flashes 1:34 AM yet your senses refuse to sleep. You tried to, really. You've closed your eyes, relaxed your breathing, and cleared your thoughts. Also pulled the covers up to you neck and curled to the side.
Where the beside lamp is lit.
Why was this on again? You scowl at the bright light emitted by the lamp.
His voice disrupts your thoughts. "Can't sleep?"
Oh. Right.
A moment passes before you respond, "Yeah."
"Do you want me to tire you out?"
You bite your lip. As you inhale deeply, images and sensations return to you, refilling your senses. He touched you bare, unclothed. His slender fingers made you quiver as they traced your curves, and you gasped when his lips breathed, nibbled, and kissed your skin. His grunts replay in your ear. Your legs have yet recovered from his push-and-pulls but his sweat has dried on you with your own. The different expressions he had while your bodies were entangled, you remember them all vividly. He was... energetic tonight. And you loved that.
But there can only be one reason for this.
"You can't get them out of mind, can you Kei?" you dare ask. "Do you want another round to help you sleep?"
"..." His silence is deafening.
You scoff weakly, lowering your eyes to the floor. As expected.
Never did the cool Tsukishima Kei do anything uncool, until he asked you to fuck him. He was in a relationship back then. You recall your lips twitching, brows furrowing, and awkwardly laughing. "Are you drunk?" you asked but the air was without the reek of alcohol. "Don't joke like that." The blonde stared long at you, eventually adverting his eyes to leave things at that. Yet, when the word of his breakup spread, apparently on the same night he had asked you, he approached you again, finding the opportunity to hold you close enough, his knee between yours. And he asked again, closer to your ear this time, "Well, do you want to?"
Tsukishima has sought you countless times since then. When he remembers her, when he yearns for her, when he wants to hold her. When he wants a face and body almost a mirror to hers. Above all, when he sees her happy with her affair partner.
It was pathetic. He is pathetic for using a person as a placeholder for someone he can no longer embrace. The thought frustrates you so much, you've lost the words to express it.
Your musing stops once again when the bed creaks under his weight, and his arm crosses to your stomach, pulling himself closer to you. You feel his chest against your back, still bare and warm. He intakes your scent from neck to shoulder and lays his forehead in between. "You always smell good."
Something in you breaks.
Without warning, you uncover yourself, slapping his arm away in the process, then beeline to the door. His sight was on you and you knew that, but you steeled yourself not to look back, closing the door with a loud thud.
With legs still weak, you eventually drop on the floor, a hand clasping your mouth as to not let out a cry.
"You always smell good." He had always told her that. When she'd stand close to him, he tells her that. He tells her she's pretty despite walking around without make-up, that her outfit looks great against the falling cherry blossoms, that her laughter is his favorite sound. That he is happy when she is.
That he loves her.
Tears prick your eyes and blur your vision. "I'm so pathetic."
He said you smell good. Can’t he tell you more and mean it?
finished your lie in april tonight (which is sad af in case you haven’t seen) and then i read your tsuki fic so i’m doing great ahaha fuck
it was really good tho!! i’m just in pain :’)
i look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
I-- THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!
This may sound sadistic of sort, but I don't know how else to put it: I'm glad I made some people cry! Personally, angsty pieces are harder to write than fluffy ones. Translating pain into words alone is challenging, but controlling the flow of emotions is all the more grueling. These, and of course everything else that goes into writing. That's why I'm very glad that 1 or 2 people have cried or felt pain from reading the Loosely Undone! ( *＾v＾* )
And yesssssss!! Your Lie in April hurts like a duck ton. ( ; - ; ) I already knew of the ending prior to watching the series, but maaannn, I still cried like a baby. Hits right where it hurts.
And, more importantly, thank you for taking the time to send this sweet message! I appreciate it very much, more than I can put to words. (〃ω〃)
genre: angst, soulmate!au
synopsis: you believe in fate, he believes in choices.
word count: 1123
It's cold. The ocean water is cold. Up and down it goes on your bare feet as it moves forward and back on the shore. The night breeze too is cold. Enough so that you wrap both hands around your stomach for extra bit more heat.
You exhale a warm sigh. No matter how freezing, you believe this here is still the better place to be.
"It's warmer inside."
You hold a breath. He found you when you did not want to be, by him especially. Is this when you are supposed to laugh? Because funny how the tables have turned. "With your IQ, you don't need me to spell out why this coldness feels more comforting than the warmth of the venue," you answer without looking back.
Tsukishima's jaw subtly tightens. But, "You could've chosen to stay out of this event, entirely."
"I am your friend. What kind of friend would I be if I missed your marriage?"
"Does you being my friend come before being my fated person? My supposed soulmate?"
The "yes" in your throat grows thorns. It's stuck, and it hurts. Unable to utter the word, you finally turn to him and lift a hand for him to see as if showing off a trophy. "I wore gloves today. What do you think?"
He eyes the skin-tone colored glove that clothes your raised hand. Underneath the cover is your mark of fate—a unique pattern of swirls and twirls shaped as though drawn after the ocean. You were born with it, just as everyone else was with their own. And on the same day, whoever was pulling the strings tied you to him—half of your soul to his, half of his to yours. The identical patterns on your bodies are proofs that you and Tsukishima Kei are destined to live by each other's side.
But this bind was not absolute.
Tsukishima finds himself repressing annoyance through a deep inhale. "As I have told you countless times before," his eyebrows dig a furrow as he looks dead straight to your eyes, "I've made my decision and nothing you do or say will change it. I'm married now, Y/N."
"I saw the ceremony, Kei. I know you’re married."
"Then stop coming at me about how you and I are–"
"I am not here to throw myself at you, Kei," you interject with a firm voice. You pause to watch him retract the step he took then raise an eyebrow, his expression morphing to confusion. That's right, he would be. After the many instances you tried to enforce what fate has decreed, he would be confused to hear you not planning yet another scene.
The pricking sensation behind your eyes wakes you up from trance. You blink once, twice, thrice, until you feel it subside. "I am not here to throw myself at you, Kei," you repeat, this time a tad softer, gentler. "I am here to mark the end... of whatever I have for you. To see you genuinely be happy… with her by your side."
A sob pounds against your heart; it hurts your chest. Determined, you hold it in, wanting nothing more than to get your feelings out loud for what seems to be the last time. "Even now, in this moment, I still feel strongly for you. I want to run to you and embrace you; I want to be the one you hold in bed tonight and the many more nights; I want to welcome you home after your long day at work and practice. I want to live the rest of my life with you and by your side!
I do not know whether I feel this because of fate or love; there’s a too thin of a line in between. You can argue it's fate, I can assert it's love. Perhaps it's both. But what I do know—and what I am certain of, is that I can never be her. And that wrecks me more than I am willing to admit," your voice weakened to a whisper as your composure cracks.
You gasp for air to suppress a sob, but a whimper escapes through the gap in your already quivering lips. You crumble. Hot tears prick and trickle down your face as sobs rush out of your hold.
And he watches the scene unfold, biting his own lower lip. Water splashes under your fallen weight and he dashes to your aide, but you stop him midway with a raised palm. “Don’t give me hope. Please.” He catches the crack in your voice.
Under the burdensome guilt, Tsukishima looks away and shuts his eyes. Had you only heeded his warnings, listened to everyone else’s suggestion of not coming, he believes you wouldn’t be the wet, sobbing mess that you are now. “Idiot.” There is nothing more he can do for you.
After what felt like the whole night, you finally speak first. “Kei,” you call tenderly, “Look at me.”
He complies. Cautiously, he lifts his eyelids to set his eyes on you, immediately noticing your ambiance being a stark contrast to what it was. You’re returning his gaze with slightly puffy eyes that presents softness. Your smile, akin to your eyes, is small but gentle-looking. The moon casting its light upon you flares your newfound tranquility.
And then it hits. You are adoring him—loving him openly. Free of all restrains you had.
For the last time that you can.
“Kei.”
He hums in reply.
"Stop reading under dim lights, you'll go blind with that."
He nods.
"Your shoulder blades will continue to hurt from now on so remember to take medications for that. And always relieve your muscles before resting."
"I know."
"There's a newly opened café two blocks away from the museum with good strawberry treats. I think you'll like it there."
"Okay. I'll take her there when I can."
"And don't make Yachi cry because, god, she's such a ball of sunshine. If you do, I will drag Yamaguchi with me and we'll hunt you down with, uhm, pitchforks."
Tsukishima stifles a chortle—the image being funnily stupid—but nonetheless acknowledges the threat.
The ocean waves sing from behind as you both look at each other without another word. You, to etch the image in mind of the man you love but cannot be with. Him, to remember you by with the freedom you blessed him of.
This is really the end.
Smiling wider, you mouth “Please be happy” before raising and walking away to the solitary of your car. There, only the high moon bears witness to what remains of your masked calmness melting to unrestrained crying. And only it will continue to be for countless nights to come.
Aw i read your post about writingfor the hq fandom.... i want to thank you for contributing and write for us readers. I know its really hard to stick with something while trying to keep yourself motivated to continue. Im not a skilled writer so i cant help pump out writing for people, but im really grateful to all the writers who constantly come up with creative pieces of writing for the other fans. Your creativity and determination is so precious so thank you. Lots of love and support from a reader <3
*makes happy whale noises*
thank you for this message. my heart just went “kyuun!” when i saw the note in my inbox, and it went “doki doki!” after i read this. HEHEHE, thank you. (>//<)v
and i agree with you, also as a reader, that it’s wonderful to have so many talented people contribute to the fandom through artistic outputs (e.g. pictures and writings). they help the community grow by exposing their favorites, bringing together interested people, and having fun together, and the fandom continues to also thrive through those interactions. it’s beautiful.
