I know it’s been months since I’ve written up here and surprisingly I’m NOT down bad like I was early this year and all of last year. I know it takes me a while to get over things but shit be hurting me deep okay? Anyways…I’ve finally moved. I’m on my own now like I’ve always wanted. But most importantly I’m making this post cause I’m finally enjoying a dating scene and enjoying being queer fully for once. I’m super underdeveloped when it comes to dating and just like with meeting other guys. I don’t really know what I like yet, but when I see it I know you know? I’m trying to think about and be more aware in how I’m being perceived from an interest standpoint. I’ve only ever really seriously dated one guy, and I’ll never forget him saying long after the fact we stopped pursuing each other romantically that he could never tell if I wanted a relationship or not. Same with this other (who I recognize I have a connection with but like I’m unsure about it at the same time) he said the same thing to his friend about me. It’s weird hearing people say I have this ambiguity around my emotions because I tend to think I’m a very fiery, intense, and emotional guy (I’m a triple water sign so how fiery am I really?? lmfaooo) but like I always think I’m not hiding my attraction. I typically tell guys I’m into about my attraction up front because I really hate to beat around the bush, but after that I really do like to follow the other guy’s lead because I know how I’m imagining myself being but at the same time I don’t ever want someone to refer to me as being too much again. (Long story but nothing recent) but what if I’m really not being too much at all and I’m just coming off as not interested? I don’t know the whole thing is weird… I’ve realized I have a fear of break ups so at this point in time I get anxious about getting into a serious relationship. But I also have been enjoying just having an attraction to a guy and enjoying the time I have with him vs. what are we gonna be down the road. It really is fun and I can stagger my emotions so I don’t catch extremely passionate feelings. Maybe this is just how adult-dating is which I swore to myself I didn’t wanna go through this but imma just keep taking guys as they are and not really having extreme expectations on them. Right now this is enough for me until I can figure out what the hell I’m doing next in every aspect of life. This isn’t to say though I don’t one day hope to be married cause I do. I just don’t see that happening anytime soon fr. Also this is the first time in life that I stopped really feeling undesirable and that Niggas actually see an attractive man in me and I really like that. It just further validates how shitty it was for me to be in VA as long as I was.
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