The emotional pain is so bad, I physically feel sick.
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DEAR READER
we're not kids anymore.

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The emotional pain is so bad, I physically feel sick.
Such-heavy-emptiness (via such-heavy-emptiness)
Find more angel mums
Reblog this if you are a mother of an angel baby.
Iâve never empathized with my pain. It has never felt real, So I didnât think it was. But recently Iâve lost something I couldnât put my hands on. Love without touch. Love without a word. Love without a sound. Before I could even grasp onto the idea of how much I loved her, She was gone. She was here. And then she was gone. And this is pain. It was the first time it felt real. It was the first time I felt real feeling something. But I dont want this. This kind of hurt. I havenât slept in weeks. I lay awake in my own nightmare, And when I can sleep I dream about what Her hands and feet would look like. If sheâd have my eyes or his nose, My white hair, or his brown. I dream about playing with her and holding her And living my life with her. I dream about her dying Over and over and over and over I wonder if sheâd hurt like I do. If sheâd too start hearing sounds at night, And if Iâd be able to comfort her back to sleep. If monsters would feed off of her psyche Until she couldnât breathe. If I would be able to run them off and be what She deserved. If I would be able to be the parent I wish I had. One that understands the insanity. One that loved her for everything she was. I would have loved her for everything she was. I wonder if she would have loved me. I wonder if she knows I love her. I wonder if she would have been happy. I have nightmares of the blood. It covers me head to toe, Like Iâm soaking in her goodbye. Sometimes I wake up and still can feel my legs Drenched, and a faint cry will echo. Iâll scream to make it stop, But even once the blood disappears, And it is just me in the silence with my tears, I still donât have her. The nightmare doesnât stop, And I have to face the reality That I canât make her mine. I didnât know I could love somebody this much. I never even got to hold her hand, And my mind is still haunted with her touch. And I feel selfish And guilty And broken. Because I lost my baby, But I feel like I stole his, And I think he blames me for the loss Of our unborn kid. And he says itâs okay, because he already has a baby, and that it would have been a mess from the start. But he also cries to me drunk about her; A baby we never got to know. He says he wish he could have had us all together, And together weâd have a home. But I didnât mean for anything to happen, The doctor says âIt just doesâ That sometimes babies die, And that is best to move on. That Iâm lucky I wasnât further along. That it would hurt more. He says itâs for the best, I should be on my medicine. My brother says it was a bullet dodged, That she would have ruined my life. That he doesnât want to see me stranded with a baby, Broken and eaten alive. Strangled without freedom. He says he doubts I would have survived. But Iâm sitting here dying with the memory of a baby I never got to hold, And theyâre telling me itâs okay because babies are hard and babies are loud. That she wouldâve made me want to scream and pull my hair out. They say theyâre happy I didnât have to go through a full pregnancy. They say theyâre happy for me, Because she wouldâve ruined my life. But I just lost a baby. I just lost a baby and theyâre telling me Iâm lucky when I feel like Iâm dying. As if I wouldnât of dealt with the crying and hard times. As if I donât feel the loss because she never was laid in my arms. As if she wasnât mine. As if I would have chosen this over her. Theyâre telling me itâs okay, and itâs not. Itâs not okay. Itâs not okay. Iâm not okay.
//5:07 âUnbornâ (via theproblemswithmissingyou)
I felt as if I had completely failed. I failed my baby, the babyâs father and myself. I was the one person who was made to protect this life, and I had somehow lost it. A piece of me died that day. A part of my heart went with that baby.
Shannon Anderson, Loved And Lost: My Story Of Miscarriage And The Road To Forgiveness (Elite Daily)
A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than havenât. Most donât mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadnât happened, so people imagine that a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And sheâll know.
Barbara Kingsolver (via that-little-thing-called-hope)
If youâve had a miscarriage:
- It wasnât your fault. I promise. - Your body isnât âwrongâ or âunnaturalâ. Loss is a very natural part of life and itâs unfair but you arenât âwrongâ. - Take your time to grieve. It will hurt but it will get better each day. - There are millions of people out there whoâve faced exactly what you are facing. - Support is everywhere, you just have to look. Someone cares, I promise you. - Everything will be okay đ your little angel is watching over you. - If you need to talk, Iâm always here!
Please do not
open your mouth about miscarriage if you donât know anything about it.
It is not âjust like a periodâ.
It is not something that âyou can just try againâ.
It is physical AND emotional pain.
It is a fluctuation in hormones.
It is waiting.Â
It is your body expelling something that should have a life and future.
It is possibly having to take medication to open your cervix so that your body will start the ânatural processâ.
It is seeing your future physically fall out of you, or a hospital room because your body couldnât correctly do the job and now the doctor will do it for you.
It is bleeding for days/weeks on end.
It is depression.
It is worrying about infection.
It is trauma.
It is waiting to be allowed to be intimate with your partner again.
It is never wanting to to be intimate again.
It is blood draws and HCG level testing.
It is a follow up gynecological appointment, and physical exam from a stranger when you donât want anyone near that fragile part of your body.
It is possibly another ultrasound⌠of your now empty belly.
It is possibly the need for surgery.
It is crying on the bathroom floor feeling like your body failed you.
It is months of waiting for your cycle to regulate so you can âjust try againâ.
It is never forgetting the excitement, the waiting in the ultrasound room, the horrible news, the images, the pain, the due date, and the fact that you SHOULD be a mother to that child but you will never be.
And no other pregnancy, no other baby, will ever replace the one that should have been but is not.
It is never being able to truly feel excited when you become pregnant again. Because this never leaves you, and this could happen again.
It is NOT just like a period.
Pregnancy is a beautiful thing, and I believe it should be celebrated; whether it lasts 3 weeks or 9 months.
@myrainbowboyandme (via distracting-from-ttc)
It amazes me to know that 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage and I only found that out after I HAD one. Once I'm less raw about the subject I'll be trying to increase awareness
I had a dream last night that it was all lies You had a beating heart, freckles, and my huge blue eyes You could dream and grow and you smiled all day I'd have done whatever it took to make you stay I saw their frowns and heard them say "there is no heartbeat" My tears instantly fell, I'm shattered with defeat. We'll never get to call you by your beautiful name My body betrayed you and for that I'll never be the same A moment in my womb but forever in my heart You may be up in heaven but we'll never truly be apart.
-Me
Doc confirmed pregnancy... and miscarriage. Going in for an ultrasound and I'm terrified.
Decided to go to the doctor's. Well I called the doctors to ask and they made me come in right away.