Ojos Color Cafe

fear generates morality

[tu-carnala]

i need to vent about work.

im ready to move on. i know another job in another industry isn’t going to be better. but im just so tired of dealing with this station and how they go about doing things.

a lot of people are on paid time off so schedules are being moved around.

there were talks of me being moved off at least saturday as we got two new producers (i think one of them can make the switch by now). but that hasnt happened and no one has pulled me to talk about it again either.

our 6am show is being revamped and i’ll be off of it the next two weeks.

this and that. but i can’t help but feel to always be put in second place to a white man and a white woman here.

and im never going to sell out to management so i can move up. and im never going to throw other people of color under the bus to get ahead.

the dynamics where i work are SO off. the energy is terrible!!

[tu-carnala]

goddamn.

things randomly trigger me. i took the day off tomorrow to go see the summer set.

i randomly decided to look it up on twitter to see what people are saying. i saw a tweet from the band and it was a crowd picture. i kept looking at it and i thought, how cool it would be to in it (when they’re here tomorrow). then my mind went to when leslie, dad, and i took a crowd pic at warped. and i started crying.

grief is 24/7. and as the days and months go by, it gets harder. i get better at masking it, but in my heart i am constantly grieving. and things like this happen all the time. the slightest things remind me of dad. 

[tu-carnala]

my last text post was dated on my birthday. i’ve always been an open book here with my emotions and random rants.

i’ve spent a lot of time looking back at pictures and posts like those, and thinking where i was at the time. if i knew what i know now.

if i knew then my dad would transition from this life into the next... i would’ve spent more time with him at the hospital. even make an effort to visit him actually. my sister and mother were there every day. by them doing that the rest of us were able to keep working and “going on” about our lives.

an incredibly stressful time it was for us, it still is now that we’re dealing with grief. i made sure to thank my sister for all her love and hard work towards our sick father.

a part of me was constantly angry, and work would keep my mind occupied. this way i didn’t have to deal with what was going on around me.

but now that he’s gone, i get triggered especially working in the news industry where a lot of death and destruction happen both provoked and naturally.

it’s been three months this month since my beloved father left this earth and joined our ancestors. it will be four on the 3rd. time goes by so quickly. so many lessons my dad taught me when he was here. now that he’s gone, he’s still teaching me things and i’m trying to grasp it all. the latest.. i’ve learned i can still be successful working outside of news. thank you, dad, always. 

[ysociety]

[ysociety]

[ramimedley1981]

[ysociety]

[tu-carnala]

it’s been raining all day. it’s fitting for how i’ve been feeling lately. it had been a tough week for me, from work, family tingz, and romance. i had a small breakdown yesterday. today i had a blowup. i carry around so much between my emotional and physical pain. my sister has called me out on it because she notices how i hold everything in until i have a breakdown or blowup. not how i wanted to spend my birthday, but im trying to take the advice from a friend…the glass is still half full.

[tu-carnala]

my toxic trait is alcohol

[tu-carnala]

in such a bittersweet moment in life

[mamamaysa]

haight street - san francisco, ca

Website / Tumblr / Twitter / 500px / Flickr / Instagram

[tu-carnala]

the angst never left yall

*plays seventy times 7* I HOPE U CHOKE AND DIE DONT APOLOGIZE

[neon-wonderlands]

By: gfycat.com

[pegfar]

[gae-bolg-alternative-dot-exe]

by 我@zzzf_zz

[tu-carnala]

i wanna disappear. i just wanna disappear.

i just wanna snap in and out of life hahahahaha (pained laugh)

[her-minds-a-mess]

Fuck parties man I just wanna drive to the lake and look up at the stars w someone I love