I need to say something that’s eating me inside. I need to scream it into the void even if nobody listens. I think I’m a lesbian.
But I think people won’t believe me because I’ve identified as bi for some years and I’ve had a boyfriend. But the thing is, I don’t think I’ve ever felt actual attraction towards men. I’ve only had like less than 5 crushes on boys my entire life. I wanted to cater to the male gaze, I wanted to be loved and desired by them - but I don’t think I actually loved and desired them. I’ve had a boyfriend for 3 years whom I loved, but now I realize I didn’t fell in love with him - I *chose* to love him, I *convinced* myself to love him because he seemed so nice and he was so in love with me and I wanted to be loved. I eventually loved him, but now I’m not sure if that “love” was actually the affection you feel for your best friend, mixed with anxiety.
I’ve only kissed one boy in my life (my now ex) and it never felt actually… arousing or exciting. I liked it because I liked when he showed affection towards me, but that’s it. It felt like being hugged by a friend you know? And now I think kisses are supposed to make you feel more than only that. And regarding sex… this is very hard for me to say out loud but I never enjoyed it. I now realize I disassociated each time it happened. And I cried every single time when we finished. I couldn’t stop the tears no matter how hard I tried, they came from somewhere deep down that I couldn’t identify. That was the breaking point for me, when I started to question my sexuality. But I repressed those thoughts because I was scared of the answer. Also I never found my boyfriend’s body sexually attractive even though he had a nice body. It just felt like watching a pretty sculpture, no sexual thoughts attached.
I’ve never had sex with a woman but I can say the only time a made out with one was 100 times more exciting than any other sexual interaction I’ve had with a man. And I’ve always found women’s bodies to be much more beautiful and sexy than men’s. And I’ve realized that whenever I had sexual fantasies between a man and a woman, I could never image myself, and I was always on the POV of the man - like I was inside his body, looking at the woman.
I’ve read the “Am I a Lesbian?” masterdoc, and I highlighted 114 points that I related to, I counted them because I’m terrified and I need to grasp onto some physical countable evidence.
And the thing is, I don’t want to have any kind of romantic or sexual relationship with a man ever again. I’m 100% sure I’ll never be with one. I detest the idea of it, it makes me anxious and depressed and angry. So I don’t even have the stress of “I can’t call myself a lesbian because what if someday the perfect man appears…” No. I hate men. I want to be with a woman, I want to marry a woman and share the rest of my life with her.
And the lesbian label feels… so right. I want to be a lesbian so bad. I don’t know if that sounds silly or what, I don’t know how to explain it. But I’m scared. I’m scared of taking a label that doesn’t belong to me and hurting the lesbian community. I’m scared that those teenage crushes I had on boys disqualify me as a lesbian, (even though I believe I only wanted the illusion of being loved by them and didn’t want to actually do anything with them). I’m scared because I loved my (now ex) boyfriend (even though now I think it may not have been actual romantic love). I’m scared because I’ve never had a girlfriend or had sex with a woman. And I can’t help but feel like if I called myself a lesbian I’d be a fraud. I’m terrified of not being accepted by the lesbian community and even more terrified of potentially harming them because what if I’m not truly a lesbian ??? what if I just hate men because I’m a radfem or something ?? what if I’m just traumatized by my past relationship with a man ?? … but deep down I feel there is more to it than that.
And that’s all. If you read this, thank you so much, really. I needed to get this off of my chest and tell someone because I feel I’m losing my mind.
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