Asking questions of the city's seen and unseen voices
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Boy, I forgot how exhausting it is to post interviews on the regs. Is this why I stopped the first time? Could be! Last week’s interview with a beer is going to go down in the record books as a success. BUT it will have an endnote BUT the endnote will be on a page that’s been ripped out to write down a phone number WHICH JUST TURNED OUT TO BE FAKE, SHEILA!!!
Anyway, we’ve got a few question/comments/concerns in this week’s Tucson Interviewed Mail Mailbag. Maybe this will just be the site from now on, some kind of desert take on a Dear Abby type sitch?
Onward we go!
Carl C. from Tucson, A. asks:
What is your favorite Tucson curb and why?
Unsurprisingly, I don’t have a lot of favorite curbs in Tucson. Because I mostly hate curbs. Like, what the hell is even the point of curbs? To keep exes from easily being able to drive through my yard and crash into my foyer? To keep rainwater from doing the same? Because every monsoon season we are reminded just how well curbs don’t work in either scenario. I mean, until climate change completely takes away our rain (but not exes.)
Anway, maybe it’s just nostalgia, but the curb that came to mind immediately is the one on Randi Place in front of the house I lived in from the ages of four to eleven. When it rained, the water pulled at the curb real nice. It was great for splashing and playing in.
Billie L. from Troy, N. asks:
If it’s Spider-man’s skin that can adhere to surfaces, how does that power work through his costume? Shouldn’t he only be able to stick to a surface if he has some skin exposed?
It’s often thought that ol’ Webhead is covered in tiny hairs which, anyone with stubble knows, is attracted to solid surfaces like a magnet. This is incorrect. Actually, Spidey’s adhesive powers are in his sweat and the oil on his skin. And his other secretions. It’s really ding-dang disgusting. Blech.
Anyway, as the sweat and oils saturate his suit, he is then able to adhere to walls through his fabric. It’s definitely gross, and, while I may be a sweaty guy, I’d like to point out to the ladies out there, my sweat won’t stick to you (call me?)
Adam B. from Tucson, A. asks:
Ask him if his name is really “Catfish!”
Thanks for your comment, Adam! We’ll see if we can get that beer back in here someday to grill him on his true moniker.
Tucson Interviewed: Dragoon Brewing’s Les Mains, a Sour Blonde Beer
It wouldn’t be an exaggeration to say that beer is exploding all around Tucson. Normally this is a bad thing, but under my context, it is a good thing. When the opportunity to do this interview came up, I wasn’t sure if I would, or should, take it. After all, I don’t drink. I don’t say that with an air of condescension. Ask anyone who knows me and they’ll tell you that I’m horribly, horribly depressed and will eventually need to seek out treatment. Ha. Ha. Haha.
On Sunday, October 15th, I sat down with the newest member of the Dragoon Brewing family, a barrel-aged sour blonde beer. It was an interesting conversation, especially because, again, I am not a drinker. Due to this fact, I realized that there would be a lot of backbiting about this interview amongst all of the interview fan communities, especially those online. They’ll say I was paid for this discussion and that it’s nothing more than a glorified commercial. They’ll say that this makes me a sell-out.
But I was not compensated for this interview, so you watch it with the accusations that you make. Am I an a-hole? Yes, absolutely. Am I corrupt? Not at all. Also, I don’t drink. I feel like I have to keep reminding you all of that fact.
Tucson, I want you to put your hands together (unless you have a glass in one, in which case slap your free hand against your thigh), this is Dragoon Brewing’s Les Mains, a Sour Blonde Beer interviewed!
Catfish Baruni: I’m told you have a theme song or something along those lines. Do you want to start with that?
Les Mains: [sings] West of I-10 I was brewed and aged/in the barrel room I spent most of my days/chilling on oak that used to hold chardonnay--
CB: That’s enough. We get it: you’ve seen The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
LM: Once again, alone in the dark for years. Lots of TV.
CB: That’s the title of my autobiography: Alone in the Dark for Years.
No! That’s the name of my sex tape!
Why don’t we go ahead and get started with your name?
LM: Most people when they walk in the bar will probably say something along the lines of “Less Manz.”
CB: Okay, so that’s Option A.
LM: Or “Less Maynz.”
CB: Option B.
LM: I was named, much like my predecessor in French [Dragoon’s Les Cœurs], Les Mains.
CB: Les Mains. [nails the pronunciation]
LM: Yes.
CB: Is that right? I never took French in high school.
LM: It’s… good enough.
CB: Is that what you prefer to be called? Do you have a nickname that you like better?
LM: Uhh, “Sour Blonde” is always easier.
CB: “Sour Blonde”?
LM: Yeah, “Sour Blonde.”
CB: Sour Blonde, I understand that you’re relatively new in town. Is that accurate?
LM: Yeah, oh yeah. I mean, I’ve been around for almost three years, but--
CB: Like off and on?
LM: No, no. I’ve been here.
CB: Oh, you’ve BEEN here?
LM: Yes, but--
CB: So my sources are wrong?
LM: Well…
CB: You can say that I’m wrong. Many people have. They’re usually women.
LM: [laughs] You’re not wrong in so far that--is a beer around if nobody can drink it?
CB: Ohhh. Wow. We’re getting deep…
LM: Yeah.
CB: ...on a Sunday morning.
LM: Think about it as, I’ve been around, but I’ve just recently had my coming out party. My quinceañera.
CB: Awww.
LM: The family, Dragoon [Brewing], I was part of that family, at home and now I’ve come of age and been revealed to the world.
CB: Let me say, first of all, congratulations on becoming a woman. So quickly. Uh, mazel tov.
So you’ve been here three years (kind of) but more like one day?
LM: Yes, yes.
CB: How was the trip?
LM: Relaxing.
CB: That’s good to hear. Nothing worse than a stressful trip, and I know a lot of people are gonna say, “What about war or famine? Those are worse than a stressful trip.” And what I would say is, those are a type of stressful trip.
How have you see Tucson change since you’ve been here?
LM: Well, I spent the vast majority of the last three years inside of various wooden barrels, so I’d say it changed from being dark, humid, with touches of lightly toasted oak and chardonnay to bright and vivacious, effervescent, and sunny. But I might have a skewed perspective.
CB: Look, who doesn’t have a skewed perspective?
LM: Fair enough.
CB: Now--
LM: That’s my journey.
CB: It sounds like you’ve done a lot of growing during that journey and I think--
LM: You calling me fat?
CB: A little bit, but I meant it mostly with the “P-H,” so the good kind of P-hat.
Now, Sour Blonde, I have to admit something to you. I--
LM: Oh, are you having a coming out as well?
CB: In a way, yes. I’m not a drinker. I’ve never tasted a beer.
LM: I forgive you.
CB: Thank you. The closest I’ve come was the time that I mixed up a Roy Rogers and a Rob Roy. It…
LM: [laughs]
CB: ...immediately became clear to me that the wrong thing had been ordered. I’m disappointed in my friend Jon for not pointing out that it was the wrong drink when he asked what I wanted. Anyway, so, not being a beer drinker, is it normal that you started in a wood barrel?
LM: Not in American beers. All the beers start generally the same: water and grain, and add different flavors; and then throw in some little microbes, either yeast or bacteria, to transform our sugars into alcohol. Usually, that can happen in as little as two weeks.
But in the case of barrel-aged folks like myself, that journey goes from a big stainless tank before being split up into tiny wooden barrels where each barrel develops its own slightly different character and after many years those are blended together into a final product to release. This is only the second time Dragoon has made a barrel-aged sour. My predecessor was Les Cœurs.
CB: Les Cœurs?
LM: Yes, “the hearts.”
CB: Is Dragoon run by a bunch of dirty Frenchmen?
LM: Not to my--I haven’t met any, let me just put it that way.
CB: Okay, that’s fair.
LM: None have put their hands on me.
[everyone laughs; I’m sure you get it so I won’t explain]
CB: Now, what can you tell me, you’ll forgive me, I did a little bit of research--what can you tell me about your “bouquet” or “nose”?
LM: Oh, excellent. Aroma.
CB: Or “aroma.”
LM: There’s definitely notes of fruit, tartness, and a touch of sour. You don’t get much funk from--
CB: So you’re saying you’re not earthy? [Note: I should have made a reference or allusion to George Clinton and/or Parliament Funkadelic.]
LM: Oh, definitely not earthy, no no. How strange it is to be discussing how I smell with a man, but I guess that is the first thing one encounters.
CB: Except perhaps a man with no nose, but--
LM: How does he smell?
CB: With his... hands. I guess.
LM: So we’re not doing the Monty Python bit.
CB: Uhhh, you’ll be disappointed to know that I don’t remember the bit. But you’re only three-years-old, so I don’t know how you know it.
LM: When you’re in the dark by yourself a lot, you end up watching a lot of Monty Python.
CB: That does make sense.
CB: So, would you say you’re like a Malbec or a Beaujolais?
LM: So, it seems like you’ve wandered down the wine path. I’m not like either of those.
CB: Are you telling me that beer is not wine? [Note: Remember, your host is not a drinker.]
LM: Yes.
CB: Oh. We’re going to have to throw out most, if not all, of the research that I've done.
LM: Well, you know, lucky for you, sour barrel-aged beers actually can share a lot in common with our wine compatriots in the alcohol world.
CB: Ahhh.
LM: So your questions might reveal some interesting insights into my character that, if you were focused on my beer aspects, you might never uncover. Aside from the fact that you touched on whether I’m like one of two wines that I’m nothing like, what other questions might you have?
CB: Sour Blonde, tell me, how Riesling are you?
LM: Oooh. How Riesling am I? [laughs before thinking on this for a moment]
A touch. There are some Rieslings--
CB: Now I hate to interrupt you, but could it be said that you’re “a touch too much”? [Note: Like the f’n AC/DC song, owwwwwww \m/.]
LM: No.
CB: Okay. Fair enough. Please, continue with your answer.
LM: There’s some similarities in color. Some Rieslings tend towards the sparkling, so in that sense, but hardly that bubbly. I’m rather effervescent. I’m carbonated at a fairly high level.
CB: More Coke or more Pepsi, your carbonation?
LM: Dear God, you know nothing about beer.
CB: This… This is true.
LM: I don’t know how to answer that question [laughs].
CB: Can you tell me one of Tucson’s nicknames?
LM: The Old Pueblo.
CB: Which, of course, is Spanish for “The Pueblo,” for those readers who don’t speak Spanish.
Do you wanna try your hand at giving Tucson a new nickname?
LM: Hmm.
No.
CB: Maybe something like Brew-scon? [Note: You better have laughed at that, you-know-who.]
LM: [laughs; it is unclear if Sour Blonde is laughing at my pun or at spurning my request for a new nickname]
Give Tucson a new nickname? “Sour City.”
CB: “Sour City.”
LM: Yeah.
CB: As you may be aware, Tucson is home to a number of burrito joints. From upscale to vending machine. Tell me, what’s your ideal burrito filling? Enchilada style, yay or nay?
LM: Oooh, and this is not limited to one thing? Because a burrito with one ingredient IS still a burrito.
CB: I’m not here to debate you about the technical definition of a burrito, so we’ll just say it’s whatever you want it to be. Provided there is something [inside] and it’s not just a tortilla rolled up. That, I think we can agree upon: not a burrito.
LM: Yes.
Well, when speaking of beverages, it’s always excellent to talk about “pairing,” and burritos are excellent pairings with a sour blonde such as myself, especially when their ingredients lean toward the lighter and more herbal variety. A breakfast burrito with egg, potato, and avocado, with just a little bit of hot sauce to liven things up I think would be an excellent pairing with a sour blonde such as myself.
CB: Excellent answer. Now you mentioned a lighter burrito goes best with a sour blonde [such as hisself], so I’m going to assume my next question is going to be a “Nay,” but: enchilada style: yay or nay?
LM: Nay.
CB: Like I said, I expected it.
LM: Because what I just described was a breakfast burrito, and I must say, a breakfast burrito should never* be served enchilada style.
Am I going to start a fight?
CB: Well… I mean, there are some hearty breakfast burritos, but, again [Note: for the first time] this is not “Burrito Talk,” that’s my other interview series that I do.
LM: Fair enough. Let me know when you want me to be on that.
CB: I certainly will.
To the uninitiated, and that may include you, Sour Blonde--you were in a barrel for three years; driving the streets of Tucson can be an ordeal. Do you have a favorite street or intersection to drive down or through?
LM: Oh, I enjoy Pima [Road].
CB: Pima?
LM: Yeah.
CB: You know, I like it, too. [Note: See Tucson Interviewed: Catfish Baruni]
LM: Isn’t it nice?
CB: It really is.
LM: It really opens up out east.
CB: Y’know, when it’s well-paved--
LM: Yes.
CB: --and at the right hour, it feels like they made that street just for you.
LM: Yeah.
CB: It’s the best.
LM: They got bus pullouts and bike lanes. It’s like they knew what they were doing.
CB: Unlike--
LM: Grant!
CB: --Speedway. And Grant. Grant’s another one!
LM: And I live on Grant.
CB: Ugh. I’m so, so sorry.
Maybe we’ve already answered this question then, what’s your least favorite street to drive down?
LM: Especially since I’ve been around, Grant’s been a mess. Despite the fact that I refer to it as “Dead Bird Alley,” I would take Glenn over Grant these days.
CB: Wow! That says a lot. At a certain point, Glenn has stop signs. It is essentially--
LM: A residential street! [in unison]
CB: A residential street! [Note: see above]
And you would rather take it than Grant.
LM: Yes!
CB: That says a lot.
How long is Grant going to be a mess for, do you think?
LM: Oh, I’ll be long gone before they’re done.
CB: That makes me sad to hear.
LM: And they’ll cellar me for, like, three to five years and pull me out at some anniversary party later, and, I’m telling you, it still won’t be done after Dragoon’s tenth anniversary five years from now.
CB: Yii-ikes!
LM: Yeah. I’m young, but I’m not dumb.
CB: Tucson has a rich musical background. It was mentioned in a The Beatles song and (I think) The Doors once played here. Sour Blonde, what’s your favorite local musical act?
LM: Oh, I know this one. Now, some of the people who helped in my creation are also talented musicians. I would definitely say “Sex Prisoner.”
CB: Sex Prisoner?
LM: Yes.
CB: I hate to confess my ignorance, but I’ve never heard of Sex Prisoner. Do they play around town regularly?
LM: Yeah, yeah, when our cellarman, Matt, who happens to be one of the members, has enough time to actually play. Mostly he turns on his thrash metal and presses it against the tanks and it resonates and I can just feel the vibrations through my liquid.
CB: So they don’t have a standing gig you can plug or anything like that?
LM: Uh, no. I know they’re going on like a European trip soon.
CB: No, that’s fine. If they don’t want to perform regularly so that we can tell all twelves of readers...
LM: I could also mention ...music video? but I think they’ve been gone for five years and had a reunion tour a year ago now.
CB: So we’re talking about “dot dot dot music video question mark”?
LM: Yes. One of our brewers was in the band.
CB: That must be Wes [...music video?’s guitarist].
I went to junior high with Paul [...music video?’s keyboard player and Zune owner].
[A conversation about ...music video? ensues.]
Moving on, though, The University of Arizona is one of the largest employers in Tucson and plays an integral role in much of the happenings of the city. In each interview, I like to ask a deep question about the U of A: Sour Blonde, can you tell me something about the U of A?
LM: Uh, yes.
CB: Good enough. And now it’s time for Reader Question(s). Unfortunately, we’re still really lacking in questions from our readers. Also, I forgot to print what I have out. The one that I remember was not directed at you, but I’m going to direct it to you anyway, Sour Blonde.
Aida A., from the Middle of the Pacific O. asks, “What is your favorite flavor of Eegee?”
LM: Oooh. For some reason, I just went straight to watermelon.
CB: That’s a popular one.
The Sonoran Desert is home to Tucson, and nothing symbolizes the desert more than the iconic saguaro cactus.
LM: If you say so.
CB: I do. I literally just did. Do you prefer saguaros with or without arms?
LM: Much like a breakfast burrito, a saguaro without arms is just a glorified barrel cactus. Saguaro should have arms.
CB: Does that mean a breakfast burrito should also have arms?
LM: Look, I’ve been out of the barrel for a couple of days; I’m not a good at metaphors.
CB: That’s fine, that’s fine. I’ve been out of the barrel, so to speak, for roughly 35 years, and I’m not good at words either. So.
LM: So, much like a breakfast burrito shouldn’t have enchilada sauce smothered all over it because my God, how would you pick it up?
CB: Knife and fork. Knife and fork.
LM: Now who sounds like the dirty Frenchman?
CB: [in a perfect French accent] Knife and fork! [laughs like a stereotypical French chef]
LM: [laughs] With your hands. Les mains!
CB: Ohhhh, it all comes back around.
LM: Yes, so in order to eat a burrito with les mains, one must have arms. And therefore, a saguaro cactus should have arms.
CB: So that it can eat a burrito.
LM: Yes. A breakfast burrito, probably, when paired with myself.
CB: The monsoon season, now you may not have known about that since you’ve been in a barrel, but the monsoon season is a special time for the denizens of Tucson. When a monsoon thunderstorm strikes, what do you prefer to be doing?
LM: I prefer to be being enjoyed by a small gathering of people gazing out upon the storm from a traditional Tucson porch.
CB: So this begs the question, Les Mains, are you going to be available for purchase just at the taproom at Dragoon or will you be available at retail locations as well?
LM: Oh, I’m getting out there! In limited amounts, I’m getting out there. I’m having a sipping session at Good Oak Bar on October 18th from 6 - 9PM. And there will be another sipping session and Les Mains release party at Tap and Bottle downtown Thursday, October 19th, at 6PM and at Tap and Bottle North on Friday, October 20th, also at 6PM.
CB: Great to hear. Nobody likes a shut-in, which I can tell you because I’m nearly a shut-in.
LM: Oh, do you live in a barrel?
CB: It’s ...barrel-like.
LM: Oh, okay.
CB: A limited number of entrances and exits. Dark most of the time. And, uh, a couple of cats crawling around inside.
LM: Oh, hmm, cats. I don’t know about that flavor profile, but I do say that, while I can detect that there is a fair amount of bitterness in your character, I think that the balance of humors will render that bitterness quite enjoyable once you choose to come out of the barrel.
CB: Sour Blonde, thank you for saying that.
In my head, I started overthinking that. I thought, “I’m going to thank Sour Blonde and Sour Blonde is going to prematurely think that the interview is over when that is not the case.” We are only at the TOPICAL QUESTION time.
LM: Ooh! None of this has been topical?
CB: Well, theoretically I’m going to ask you a question about something that’s happened in the news. The problem is slightly that I forgot to look up anything in the news, but I do remember seeing a headline about--I still have trouble saying this, so I’m not going to--the man in the White House talking about meeting the President of the Virgin Islands.
LM: Oh, they have a president now?
CB: The question’s going to be what’s your thought on it, because, obviously, I’m sure you know, the President of the Virgin Islands is also the President of the United States of America. Uhh, so, what are your thoughts on that?
LM: Oddly circuitous, but also I’ve been stuck in a barrel for three years and only been out in the world for a couple of days, and I knew that.
CB: And for the record, you are a beer.
LM: YES!
CB: And you knew that.
LM: Yes.
CB: And a human being did not. So.
LM: Yes.
CB: It’s a depressing time that we live in.
LM: When isn’t it?
CB: That’s true, but these seem to be more depressing times, Sour Blonde, and you--
LM: Hey, I’m sour by nature.
CB: Not naughty?
LM: [laughs]
CB: It is now time for the LIGHTNING ROUND. We’re still working on the impressive, special effects-laden introduction. In the LIGHTNING ROUND, I want you to give me your immediate, gut reactions to the questions that I ask you. If you think about an answer too long, you will be disqualified and will lose all the money you’ve won thus far in the game.
LM: Oooh, less money, less problems.
CB: Are you ready for the LIGHTNING ROUND?
LM: No, probably not, but go ahead.
CB: You’re off to a good start.
Eegee’s french fries: ranch or two ranches?
LM: One ranch.
CB: Spring Fling or Pima County Fair?
LM: Pima County Fair.
CB: Sixth Ave or Sixth St?
LM: I never know which one is which.
CB: Yard sales on a Sunday morning or the Swap Meet on a Saturday night?
LM: Swap Meet on a Saturday night for the drive-in movie.
CB: Which is more annoying: people who misspell “Tucson” or people from Phoenix?
LM: Oh God, well, aside from the fact that most of them are the same people, probably people from Phoenix.
CB: Preferred Gem Show purchase: “authentic” arrowheads or anything-turquoise?
LM: Turquoise, it goes better with a blonde. [Note: buy this beer]
CB: Sabino Canyon or Mt. Lemmon?
LM: Sabino Canyon is a part of Mt. Lemmon. [Note: Asshole!]
CB: Garry Shandling or Craig T. Nelson?
LM: Craig T. Nelson. [Note: See?]
CB: And finally, Sour Blonde--Les Mains--finish this sentence: “Tucson is…”
LM: “...a city.”
------
Les Mains, the sour blonde, can be found on tap at the taproom at Dragoon Brewing (1859 W Grant Rd #111) starting October 14th and will be there until supplies run out. There will also be the previously mentioned sipping session at Good Oak Bar on October 18th from 6 - 9PM, as well as sipping sessions (and release parties) at Tap and Bottle Downtown Thursday, October 19th, at 6PM and at Tap and Bottle North on Friday, October 20th, also at 6PM.
Tucson Interviewed: A Saguaro Cactus Rejected by an Online Retailer
On September 13th, 2017, Sun Corridor Inc., an economic development organization representing southern Arizona, sent a 21-foot saguaro cactus to online behemoth retailer Amazon as part of an effort to woo the company into building their announced second headquarters in Tucson. Less than a week later, the saguaro was rejected by Amazon and being re-gifted to the Arizona-Sonora Desert Museum.
Huh, I remember thinking to myself, I think I have an idea of what that might feel like.
The saguaro turned out to be elusive, though, turning down all requests for interviews. A spokesperson called for respect for privacy and blah blah blah. Obviously, I wasn’t going to let this stop me.
It wasn’t easy, and don’t ask how I did it (but obviously I would have an answer if you asked and I decided to tell you), but this is A Saguaro Cactus Rejected by an Online Retailer Interviewed!
Catfish Baruni: Hey, bud. You doing okay?
Saguaro Cactus: Huh? Who are you? How did you get in here?
CB: Oh, it’s okay—I’m *supposed* to be here.
SC: Oh, okay.
CB: Also, I brought beer.
SC: Oh, thank God.
CB: So you’ve had a rough week, huh?
SC: Yeah, that’s an understatement.
CB: You wanna talk about it?
SC: What good will that do? It’s not going to change anything.
CB: Maybe not the past, but it can have an effect on your future.
SC: How?
CB: It’s well-known that bottling up your feelings can lead to an imbalance of bodily humors, and perhaps even cause a toad or a small gnome to take up residence in your stomach.
SC: Not a small gnome!
CB: Unfortunately, it’s true. The science is very clear on this. But if you don’t want to talk…
SC: Waitaminute, mister! I think, maybe, if you’re okay with it, I would like to talk.
CB: You’re sure? I don’t want to pressure you into anything.
SC: Yes! Please, I… it would really be great to have someone listen to me. Rejection… it has to be one of the worst feelings in the world. You know?
CB: Brother, look at me; of course I know. I’ve been rejected from here to the Appalachian Trail. I’ve been rejected six ways from Sunday. I’ve—I’m sorry, this isn’t about me. Tell me about you. How long have you been in Tucson?
SC: You mean before I was rejected? Or after?
CB: I can see you’re still hurting.
SC: Yes, that's a fair assessment of the situation.
CB: I kind of meant cumulatively. They loaded you onto a truck, but did you even leave town?
SC: I don’t want to answer that.
CB: But you’ve been here for a while.
SC: For a while?
CB: Yes, for a while. I mean, based on your size, I’d guess you’re probably over 100-years-old. But I’m really only an amateur amateur-botanist.
SC: Sure, let’s go with that. I mean, what do I know? It’s not like I have a watch on any of my arms!
CB: …
SC: Nothing? Boy, I bet that would have killed in Seattle. I bet Seattle would’ve understood my sense of humor.
CB: Cactus--
SC: Please, call me Gary.
CB: Okay. Gary, how have you seen Tucson change since you’ve been here?
SC: Well, you people sure did come onto the scene in a big way. I lost a lot of my friends because of you lot. All this construction… it seems non-stop. You know, that’s how I ended up at the nursery. I was displaced.
...and then I was dat-placed. In fact, I was all-over-da-placed.
CB: …
SC: Come on, this is gold! I swear, Seattle would have dug this. You’ve obviously never been to Seattle. It’s a much different vibe. I mean, I’m told it is.
CB: Can you tell me one of Tucson’s nicknames, Gary?
SC: “Dirty T.” Presumably because of all of the dirt being moved from construction.
CB: Can you give Tucson a new nickname?
SC: “Not-Funny Town.”
CB: Gary, I’ve got to say, I’m really surprised. I had no idea that you were an aspiring comedian of sorts.
SC: Nobody ever asked before.
CB: As you may be aware, Tucson is home to a number of burrito joints. From upscale to vending machine. Tell me, what’s your ideal burrito filling?
SC: I don’t eat burritos, sorry.
CB: What do you eat? Err, do you eat?
SC: I guess I get nutrients or something from the soil? But I LOVELOVELOVE me some water. I’m such a pig when it comes to the wet stuff. Don’t even watch! You will lose your appetite.
CB: Noted, Gary. Now, to the uninitiated, driving the streets of Tucson can be an ordeal. Do you have a favorite street to drive down?
SC: I don’t know, man. I was hoping for that long trip down I-10. I thought the freeway would be my favorite. I should point out, of course, however, that I can’t, myself, drive.
CB: So then I guess you don’t have a least favorite street to drive down?
SC: Rejection Blvd. Is that a real street?
CB: I’ll have to Google that, Gary. [Editor’s note: I did not Google it.] Tucson has a rich musical background. It was mentioned in a The Beatles song and, I’m told, The Doors once played here. What’s your favorite local musical act?
SC: What’s the name of that guy who’s been recently singing that song the song about having cactus?
CB: Al Perry?
SC: Yeah. I’ll pick him.
CB: The University of Arizona is one of the largest employers in Tucson and plays an integral role in much of the happenings of the city. In each interview, I like to ask a deep question about the U of A: can you tell me something about the U of A?
SC: They’ve got a number of saguaros on their campus. I respect that.
CB: Now it’s time for a READER QUESTION: Natalia A. asks “What’s your favorite Tucson festival?” On a personal note, you will be awarded bonus points if it’s a festival I’ve performed at.
SC: What a great question, Natalia A. I think I’ll have to go with the Tucson Fringe Festival. I’ve been told I look like that neon cactus from their logo!
CB: Bonus points for Gary!
The Sonoran Desert is home to Tucson, and nothing symbolizes the desert more than the iconic saguaro cactus. Do you prefer saguaros with or without arms?
SC: That question is offensive. I won’t hear it and I won’t respond to it.
CB: I apologize, Gary. It was not my intention to offend you. Can I ask you the next question?
SC: That’s fine. Apology accepted.
SC: The monsoon season is a special time for the denizens of Tucson. When a monsoon thunderstorm strikes, what do you prefer to be doing?
SC: Drinking it in and drinking it up, baby!
CB: It’s TOPICAL QUESTION time: do you have any thoughts on the Harvey Weinstein situation?
SC: Look, I know swine. I’ve lost count of the number who have come by to eat the fruit that I’ve dropped. Calling this guy a pig? That would be about a million steps up for him. He came of age in the 60s so he didn’t know it wasn’t okay to be a monster? Please. Talk about pricks...
CB: Please tell me you didn’t end that with a cactus pun.
SC: I’m not on trial here! Quit bending me over a barrel over here!
CB: Dammit, Gary...
As much as I’m thinking about bailing on this, I’m being told that it is now time for the LIGHTNING ROUND. We’re still working on the impressive, special effects-laden introduction. In the LIGHTNING ROUND, I want you to give me your immediate, gut reactions to the questions. If you think about an answer too long, you will be disqualified and will lose all money you’ve won thus far in the game.
CB: Are you ready for the Lightning Round?
SC: I’m really excited for it, even if I do seem so impossibly down-to-earth and grounded.
CB: Oh, brother…
SC: Don’t look so shocked.
CB: Gary! We are NOT doing this! Now, tell me, when it comes to Eegee’s french fries: ranch or two ranches?
SC: Neither, thanks.
CB: Spring Fling or Pima County Fair?
SC: County Fair
CB: Sixth Ave or Sixth St?
SC: Street
CB: Yard sales on a Sunday morning or the Swap Meet on a Saturday night?
SC: Yard Sales
CB: Which is more annoying: people who misspell “Tucson” or people from Phoenix?
SC: Phoenix
CB: Preferred Gem Show purchase: “authentic” arrowheads or anything-turquoise?
Wow, what an overwhelming response to Tucson Interviewed's return to interviewing! I think it might be the most read interview I've done. Is there a way to track things on the internet? Actually, I hope not. That kind of power could easily be abused if it fell into the wrong hands. Anyway, this week I'll be answering some Reader Mail that was received regarding last week’s interview with Catfish Baruni. Next week I'll be back with a brand new interview! You won't want to miss it.
And now, the mail...
Ryan L. from Tucson, A. writes:
I enjoy that you say some people won’t drive past Swan, then say you don’t want to go to the Pima County Fair because it’s too far.
You used to be one of us, man... you’ve changed.
Thank you for your message, Ryan! You make a valid point. While I’m unlikely to go to either the Spring Fling or the County Fair, I’m less likely to go to the Fair because that’s where some goofball spilled 44 ounces of Dr. Pepper on my crotch, and I’d rather not relive that horror. But thanks for making me think about it. You’re a real pal.
----
Adam B. from Tucson A. writes:
Why didn’t you ask him if his real name is “Catfish”????
Thank you for your message, Adam! I assure you that I checked several forms of identification, including a membership card for the Kurt Vonnegut Museum.
Speaking of writers...
----
Karinya C. from Farmington Hills, M. writes:
I want to give you shit about only referencing hyper-masculine writers but I'm tired and my brain is kind of soft these days anyway and -- whatever, I enjoyed the rest of this.
Thank you for your message, Karinya! Unfortunately, we’re all out of time this week. Accusations of misogyny (or just being a bad reader with a poorly-curated library) will have to wait until next time!
In this stop-and-go world we find ourselves in, non-stop going only serves to confuse and confound the people. "Why does that thing not stop? It only goes? It only goes!"
I wish I could say that's why Tucson Interviewed has been on a hiatus for a wee bit of time*. But that's not the case. Like many things in my life, I was better at the "stop" than at the "go."
Womp womp.
But this is no pity party (that's next Tuesday; please remember to bring a side dish!). This is a celebration, because we're back, baby!!! And who else would be more fitting to interview for the return of Tucson Interviewed than the founder of Tucson Interviewed?
Tucson Interviewed, put your hands together, because this is Catfish Baruni interviewed...
Catfish: Catfish Baruni, after a long hiatus, you are your own first interview in a misguided attempt to reboot Tucson Interviewed. If you had readers, they would probably be asking one thing: why am I still reading this?
Catfish Baruni: So this is how we’re starting?
C: I’ll ask the questions, thank you.
CB: Right off the bat we’re just going to give everyone a peek inside the big ol’ tomato can on the top of our neck?
C: Again, I’ll thank you to leave the questions to me.
CB: Fine, fine…
C: So, before we get started, why don’t you tell me what you’ve been up to.
CB: What, like a day-by-day recap? Should I go grab my diary?
C: There’s no need for sarcasm, sir.
CB: Have we met?
C: Just answer the question, sir!
CB: I dunno. A little of this, a little of that.
C: You’re a regular open book, aren’t you?
CB: Let’s see. I’ve done some Slideshow Fairytales performances. I work downtown now. I moved to Armory Park. I bought a bicycle. I’ve added Abilify to my daily regimen. Is that enough for you? It’s an exciting life I live.
C: You bought a bike? And do you ride it, too, or…?
CB: You’re hilarious. No wonder nobody loves you.
C: Well, that’s uncalled for.
Let’s get this interview back on track. Catfish, tell me, how long have you been in Tucson?
CB: My entire life.
C: Oh, a native Tucsonan.
CB: Well, not, y’know, Native-native. But yes.
C: People usually make a comment when they find out we’ve spent our entire life in Tucson.
CB: That’s true. Maybe we should think about moving?
C: Or lying about where we were born?
CB: Or lying about all of the places we haven’t lived?
C: Or just do more lying in general?
CB: Oh, I’m already getting confused as to which Catfish is the interviewer and which the interviewee.
C: I don’t think it matters. Right?
Lookit that, I just asked a question, so we’ll assume that I’m the interviewer.
CB: Fair enough.
CB: When did you first get here?
C: “Here” as in Tucson? 1982. When I was born. Also when you were born.
CB: How was the trip?
C: The trip out of the birth canal? Okay, I guess? Thankfully, I don’t remember it at all. That would be a horrifying thing to remember.
C: How has Tucson changed since you’ve been here?
CB: Obviously the growth is the biggest thing. I grew up on the eastside, which means that a good portion of the city’s population wouldn’t even consider me an actual Tucsonan, and a number of those years I would have said it was the far east side, but that’s not the case anymore. Anyway, I remember not having trash pickup service southeast of Golf Links and Harrison. You just had to fend for yourself. And there weren’t streetlights in the residential neighborhoods. It was basically the world of Mad Max.
C: Why do you think that there’s a portion of Tucson that wouldn’t consider someone who grew up on the east side, someone like you, to be a Tucsonan.
CB: Because I’ve literally heard people say things to that effect. I once heard someone say that they won’t drive east of Swan. That’s just bonkers. You know what’s east of Swan? Sabino Canyon, dumb dumb. And several Target locations.
C: Can you tell me one of Tucson’s nicknames?
CB: Well, there was that really stupid one from the ‘80s, “The Sunshine Factory.” It doesn’t even make any sense. Were we manufacturing sunshine? Or was, oh, I don’t know, the sun doing that in outer space?
C: Can you give Tucson a new nickname?
CB: Probably “The Waystation.”
C: Care to explain that?
CB: Oh, just too many of Tucson’s fine people don’t stay put. If you live here long enough, it starts to feel like most people are just visitors passing through.
C: Uplifting as always, Catfish. When did the doctor say the Abilify is supposed to kick in?
As you may be aware, Tucson is home to a number of burrito joints. From upscale to the vending machine variety. Tell me, what’s your ideal burrito filling?
CB: If I don’t want to make a mess, I’m a big fan of the steak, egg, and cheese breakfast burrito (at ANY time of the day). If I’m comfortable making a mess, I’ll go with the red chile burrito.
C: Enchilada style: yay or nay?
CB: Obviously the former would not be done enchilada style, but the latter should, of course, be eaten enchilada style. It’s all about context, darling.
C: To the uninitiated, driving the streets of Tucson can be an ordeal. Do you have a favorite street to drive down?
CB: For some reason, I really enjoy Pima, even before they did any repaving.
C: What’s your least favorite street to drive down?
CB: The stretch of any of the streets bordering the UA campus. Or, if I’m riding my bike, ANY residential street. They’re all in awful shape. Pedaling across them is just terrible. Bike-friendly city, my ass...
C: Well, why not just ride on the big-boy streets?
CB: Because I’m trying to keep our big-boy melon from being split wide open.
C: Melon? You mean our head?
CB: I very much do.
C: Tucson has a rich musical background. It was mentioned in a The Beatles song and (I think) The Doors once played here. What’s your favorite local musical act?
CB: I’m going to answer with a band that I’m sure nobody else will, if only because I guess they’re defunct? Also, we stopped interviewing people for three plus years, sooooo... I don’t know. Anyway, I really enjoyed Yeti Ender and I’m still waiting for the vinyl release of their first album (and any kind of release of their second one).
C: The University of Arizona is one of the largest employers in Tucson and plays an integral role in much of the happenings of the city. In each interview, I like to ask a deep question about the U of A: can you tell me something about the U of A?
CB: No.
C: Fair enough.
Now is the portion of the interview when I normally ask some Reader Questions, but, as you’re well aware, we don’t have readers.
CB: Right.
C: So, instead, I’ll ask, what are you currently reading?
CB: I just started Denis Johnson’s Train Dreams, as in, I just put the bookmark in the first page. So, maybe I haven’t actually started it? Whatever. I’m also slowly working through an anthology of Bukowski poetry.
C: Poetry? When did we start reading poetry?
CB: You know when.
C: After the incident?
CB: Yes. “The incident.”
C: How are you enjoying it?
CB: How am I enjoying the incident?
C: No, the poetry, obviously.
CB: Oh, it’s fine, I think? I don’t know? I don’t really know how to read poetry. Or understand it? The only way I can pay any attention to it is to read it out loud.
C: So you pace the bedroom reading Bukowski out loud, making the neighbors concerned.
CB: Pretty much.
C: The Sonoran Desert is home to Tucson, and nothing symbolizes the desert more than the iconic saguaro cactus. Tell me, Catfish, do you prefer saguaros with or without arms?
CB: With arms, I mean, c’mon. Without arms, they’re just immature little shits. The armless ones, like--no more than three of them would be allowed in a grocery store physically located near a school at the same time, that’s the kind of little shits we’re talking about here.
C: The monsoon season is a special time for the denizens of Tucson. When a monsoon thunderstorm strikes, what do you prefer to be doing?
CB: Kissing a pretty woman.
C: Oh, God…
CB: You asked!
C: It’s TOPICAL QUESTION time: how’s about this new administration in Washington?
CB: [starts banging his head against the wall repeatedly]
C: Now it’s time for the LIGHTNING ROUND. We’re still working on the impressive, special effects-laden introduction. In the LIGHTNING ROUND, I want you to give me your immediate, gut reactions to the questions. If you think about an answer too long, you will be disqualified and will lose all money you’ve won thus far in the game.
CB: Okay.
C: Are you ready for the Lightning Round?
CB: I’m so ready that they call me Nearby Thunderstrike!
C: Oh, God…
CB: No good?
C: Let’s get started.
Eegee’s french fries: ranch or two ranches?
CB: Two ranches, minimum. Those fries gotta get ranched, baby.
C: Spring Fling or Pima County Fair?
CB: Spring Fling, just because I don’t want to drive out to the ends of the Earth.
C: Sixth Ave or Sixth St?
CB: Avenue.
C: Yard sales on a Sunday morning or the Swap Meet on a Saturday night?
CB: Saturday night Swap Meet.
C: Which is more annoying: people who misspell “Tucson” or people from Phoenix?
CB: People who misspell Tucson because SPELLCHECK IS A THING THAT EXISTS.
C: Preferred Gem Show purchase: “authentic” arrowheads or anything-turquoise?
CB: I will not be happy until I have a turquoise skull in my home!
Tucson Interviewed: A Tucson Riot (Bonus Interview)
On Saturday, March 29th, 2014, The University of Arizona athletics squadron geared up and headed out onto the playing area, hoping to win their bout against their competition(s). Ultimately, they were not able to achieve this achievement. Because of this injustice, Tucson Interviewed this is a Tucson Riot interviewed… ——
Catfish: Well?
Tucson Riot: [sits in silence, avoiding eye contact] …
C: You don’t have anything you want to say for yourself?
TR: [silence continues] …
C: Really? Nothing?
TR: …
C: No kind of explanation or justification or anything?
TR: …
C: That’s funny, because you had lots of things to say last night. Want me to remind you of some of them?
TR: …
C: “U of A! U of A!”
I assume that was just for clarification, so that nobody thought it was a delayed reaction to the state senate passing SB1062.
TR: …
C: “Go Cats!”
Again, just further clarification, I assume. You wouldn’t want anybody to think you were causing a ruckus for an unworthy reason.
TR: …
C: “Fuck Wisconsin!”
See, now, to me, this is where you start going off message. Is this about the sport squadron, or are you a group of vegans upset with cheese? Or are you a group of television enthusiasts who really don’t like_ Happy Days_ or Laverne & Shirley? Do you see what I’m getting at?
Or were you actually stupid enough to think that the sports opponents wouldn’t try to win? Were you mad at them for trying?
TR: …
C: Continuing with your profound statements from last night: “They can’t take us all!”
This one, I… I don’t even know. Were you showing your solidarity, banding together against the scourge of sports losses? While you threw shit at the cops! I can’t even–I don’t even know what to say.
TR: …
C: Apparently neither do you.
TR: …
C: Do you think last night was the most flip-floppiest, khaki-cargo-shortsy riot ever?
TR: Bro!
C: I’m not your bro. Don’t–don’t call me that. You understand that people already think Arizona is some kind of vacuum of rational thought and decency, and when you act like an asshole and an idiot then everybody outside of the state thinks we’re **ALL **assholes and idiots, right?
TR: Dude… we lost!
C: You’re a moron… —— Tune in next time for another conversation with one of Tucson’s many voices. If you have a question for one of those voices, or would like to be one of those voices, please send it to tucson dot interviewed at gmail dot com.
Tucson Interviewed: A Can of Four Loko (found along the side of the road)
I’m a man. A man who enjoys walking the streets at night, just like the protagonist of a classic rock ballad might. I walk the streets in shadow looking for the light of:
Love
A liquor store sign
The hardware store (because all of the lightbulbs in my home are burned out)
The dark
So I walk and I walk, with my headphones on, listening to other tales of small-town heroes strolling down darkened sidewalks, and I wonder when Bruce or Bob or Tom or Woody will sing about my trials and tribulations. Normally I keep to myself, even when the voices in the dark cry out to me. “You should be in bed sleeping,” I think to myself as I dismiss them, “not crying out at night—don’t you know that other people are trying to sleep?”
But on this particular night, I heard a voice I could not ignore, and dear readers, it is a voice you will not ignore, either (unless you aren’t a reader and are already ignoring this entire premise). Tucson Interviewed, this is A Can of Four Loko (found along the side of the road) interviewed…
——
(Fourco, pictured above)
Catfish: Do I call you “Four Loko”? What should I call you?
Can of Four Loko: Fourco
C: Fourco. Okay.
F: With a “C” because loco is spelled wrong.
C: I assumed that was done on purpose, but–
F: I don’t like it.
C: Okay, “Fourco” with a “C”. F-O-U-R?
F: F-O-U-R-C-O. Fourco.
C: It sounds like a business. Four Co. The Four Company.
F: I like it.
C: Tell me, Fourco, how long have you been in Tucson?
F: A couple months, I think? Time goes slow …and fast for me in a can.
C: That’s probably why they call you “Loko” because that’s pretty crazy.
F: Well, if it was spelled right.
C: Right, which we’ve established that it’s not.
F: I don’t know if they meant crazy.
C: So a couple of months? Or was it four months? I don’t remem–
F: Sure, four months.
C: How was the trip here?
F: Dark. Bumpy. I mean it was cool because, y’know, my friends were there, and then we got put in a case, so… I only got to see Tucson for five minutes, maybe.
C: Where were you before Tucson? Are you at all aware of that?
F: Uhh, I don’t remember? I think… I think I was in a warehouse possibly? It was also dark. I’ve always been in the dark.
C: That’s a little depressing.
F: Right.
But, like, I was really excited to be there, y’know? A lot of energy.
C: Right, right. A crazy amount of energy.
F: Yeah.
C: A loco amount of energy.
F: Yeah, but if you’re in the dark and in a case–
C: It’s bottled-up energy. You’ve got nowhere to–
F: Yeah.
C: So you’ve only been here a very short amount of time so you may not be able to answer this question, but how has Tucson changed since you’ve been here?
F: I think it’s gotten colder. I think?
C: Okay.
F: When I got here it was real hot. I remember being really hot. And then when you found me, I was kinda cold. So I think something’s happening with the environment. I think it’s changing because it’s gotten colder.
C: That’s pretty crazy.
F: Yeah
C: Or loco, if you will. Obviously spelled correctly.
F: Right.
C: Fourco, can you tell me one of Tucson’s nicknames?
F: Tucson… Too-sahn… Oh, uh, I don’t–Uh, Go Cats.
C: Okay. “Tucson Go Cats”? That is not one of–
F: That’s what I hear a lot.
C: –the more well-known names, but that’s a good guess. Would you like to try your hand at giving Tucson a new nickname?
F: Oh, sure.
C: Maybe Tu-co?
F: Oh, okay. I see what you’re doing. Um… “Loco’s Friend.”
C: With a “K” or with a “C”?
F: “C”!
C: Okay, but my concern is that nobody will know it’s about you–
C: Friend or Foe. So one or the other, no in-between?
F: Right.
C: Tucson’s not indifferent to you? It either loves you or hates you.
F: Right right.
C: Okay.
F: Mmhmm.
C: As you may be aware, Tucson is home to a number of burrito joints.
F: Mmhmm
C: Ranging from the upscale to vending machine. Tell me, what’s your ideal burrito filling, Fourco?
F: I didn’t know there were many. I’ve only experienced bacon, egg, and cheese …and potato, I think is what it was.
C: How did you–
F: It was real early–or late–when it was with me.
C: How did you like it?
F: Mmm, it was alright. I mean, it kind of calmed me down, I think.
C: Would you try it again?
F: Yeah, I mean–it was a blur. When I had it. But I felt good.
C: Crazy good? Or just good?
F: [growing annoyed] No, just good. Cra–I’m not always crazy.
C: I’m sorry it’s just, it’s in the name, so I figured that, y’know…
F: I may have to go back to the “K”. I don’t like this “crazy” always.
C: So, Fourco, still with a “C” for the time being, to the uninitiated, driving the streets of Tucson can be an ordeal. Do you have a favorite street to drive down?
F: The long ones are better. There aren’t as many turns.
C: Okay. That’s a good answer. What’s your least favorite street to drive down? Is it the short streets then?
F: Yes.
Wherever you found me.
C: Wherever I found you?
F: I don’t remember that being good.
C: It did seem fairly sketchy, I’ll be honest. I didn’t like being there.
F: Right.
C: But I wasn’t driving, so…
F: I mean, there was also not a lot going on, and I really like a lot of things going on.
C: A lot of–a crazy amount of action.
F: Right, in that sense, yes, that’s the appropriate use of “crazy” for me. I do like that.
C: Alright.
Tucson has a rich musical background. It was mentioned in a The Beatles song and (I think) The Doors once played here. What’s your favorite local musical act?
F: Um, I heard a marching band.
C: Okay.
F: They were good.
Go cats! That’s where the Tucson nickname came from. That’s where I heard it.
C: Right.
F: And the marching band.
C: But that’s not part of the nickname, just “Go cats.”
F: Right.
C: That makes sense. I don’t know how you would spell–
F: I don’t know if they’re the “Go cats marching band.”
C: I don’t–I don’t really follow sports, so I can’t say for sure, so, it’s possible.
F: Are there a lot of cats here? I didn’t get around much.
C: I have two, myself.
F: That seems like a lot.
C: I’ve heard that from others, but it doesn’t feel like a lot. It’s not a crazy amount of cats, y’know?
F: Again with the “crazy.” I guess it’s your thing. Maybe you’re crazy. Maybe it’s not me.
C: Maybe it’s not. I mean, it’s not in my name.
F: Well, technically not in mine, either.
C: Okay, fair enough.
The University of Arizona is one of the largest employers in Tucson and plays an integral role in much of the happenings of the city. In each interview, I like to ask a question about the U of A: Fourco, can you tell me something about the U of A?
F: Uh, I think that’s where I lived initially, when I was alive, before I–
C: You’re dead?
F: You know, well–when I was full.
C: Okay.
F: When I had the rest of me.
C: When you were, I don’t want to be crass, but when you were opened, you have a feeling that it took place on campus?
F: Yeah. I think. Yeah. It–
C: It would make sense–
F: –does sound familiar.
C: –that that’s where you were opened.
F: Okay, good, so that’s where I’m from. Sooooo go cats!
C: Go cats.
F: Uh huh.
C: It’s time for reader questions.
F: Ooooh, okay.
C: We only have one. Michelle asks, “Has Adam ever told you to stop talking?”
I don’t entirely know what that’s in reference to, but that was the question.
F: Oh. “Adam” being you?
C: I’m Catfish.
F: So any Adam asking me to stop talking?
C: I don’t–
F: I don’t think so.
C: –know if she meant one in particular, or just in general. She did not specify in her question.
F: Good question, reader. Uh, I’ve never been asked so many questions. “Stop talking”? No.
C: No?
F: No. Nobody–
C: Nobody would say that.
F: Oh, I don’t know–they don’t tell me their names.
C: It sounds like a made-up premise anyway. I don’t think a real human being would do that.
F: I mean, the ones I’ve been around are really loud, so…maybe somebody didn’t like it, and then they would say “Stop talking.”
C: Right, but to say, “Stop talking”? I mean, as we know, that’s even ruder than saying “Shut up.” If somebody wanted to politely tell another human to stop talking, they would just say “Shut up.”
You may not understand it, being a can of Four Loko and such.
F: Right.
C: But let me tell you, that’s how we do things as human beings. Moving on.
The Sonoran Desert is home to Tucson, and nothing symbolizes the desert more than the iconic saguaro cactus. Do you prefer saguaros with or without arms?
F: With. I had a friend, a fellow can, who landed on one. Had a good view, he said. I mean, the way down was hard.
C: Well–
F: For the time being, he was in an arm. I’ve always kind of wondered what it’s like up there.
C: So the arm was kind of holding him–
F: Yeah.
C: –like a hug?
F: Well, sure.
C: Almost.
F: I mean, it was more like a perch. Just holding him up. So, yeah, arms, because I want to see what’s up there. If you just throw me at one, I’ll fall [without the arms to catch Fourco].
C: We can go out and see what we can find after the interview is over.
F: Alright.
C: I can maybe place you up on one.
F: Okay. I don’t want holes, though.
C: I will be gentle.
F: I mean, I have one.
C: That’s true, you do have one hole. I will be gentle.
The monsooson–
F: Hmm? [laughs]
C: Have you never heard the portmanteau combining “monsoon” and “season,” monsooson?
F: No, she sounds lovely.
C: She’s not. She’s… hideous. She was my second ex-wife, and it did not end well.
F: Okay.
C: Monsooson is… she’s a beast. Moving on, though, the monsoon season is a special time for the denizens of Tucson. When a monsoon thunderstorm strikes, what do you prefer to be doing? And you may not be able to answer this if you’ve only been around for four months in the city.
F: Right. Well, I don’t think where you found me is where I started.
C: Right, if you’re suspecting that you originated on campus, then–
F: No, no, I mean, like, was I in the gutter? Because that sounds familiar. I may be making that up. I think that’s what happened. It was either me or the other guy.
C: The one in the cactus?
F: No, I mean, when you found me there was other stuff around me. It’s not a good area, lots of trash.
Anyway, I like to be in the water. It sounds cool. Either I did it or somebody else did it. I don’t really have a lot memories because, y’know, a lot happens in my head.
C: Right.
F: So I can’t really keep it all straight. But I think it would be cool surfing like in the water. I hear you guys have really bad drainage problems so that if floods.
C: So you not only want to be out in the rain, but you want to be riding the waves.
F: Yeah, I float, so it’d be pretty cool.
C: I haven’t tried that, but sounds fun.
F: Yeah, I mean, what’s the worst that can happen?
C: Can you swim?
F: I dunno.
C: I imagine it would be hard to drown, being you.
F: Right.
C: Because you do float, as you said.
F: I don’t think I swim. I think I just hang out.
C: You just float.
F: Yeah.
C: That’s close enough. I think that’s more than I can do.
F: Okay.
C: So you’ve got the advantage. Point: Fourco.
F: Well, maybe you shouldn’t stand out in the rain. Be careful.
C: Okay, it’s topical question time: The U of A sports squadron recently did a thing or accomplished an accomplishment. What are your thoughts on that thing that they did or accomplished?
F: Right, I don’t know what it was–I just heard noises. Go cats!
C: Do you think that was from the thing they did?
F: Well that’s all I heard. Buzzers and whistles and screaming–
C: Whistles, the noun, or people whistling?
F: A variety.
C: Oh!
F: It’s not unusual for my family. We hear a lot of the “Wooooohh!” and “Wooooohh, yeah!” Wooh-girls.
C: And “go cats”?
F: And “Go cats” And puking. We hear a lot of that.
C: So then was it a good thing that happened?
F: I think so.
C: Are you happy that it happened?
F: Well, I dunno. I’d probably still be closed if it hadn’t.
C: Right, you wouldn’t have that hole.
F: Right. I dunno.
C: Okay, Fourco, it’s time for the Lightning Round. I’m still working on the impressive introduction. So far I’ve got:
“From the dawn of time…”
F: Okay.
C: But what’s going to happen is I’m going to ask you a series of questions. I don’t want you to think on these deeply. I want you to give me your immediate, gut reaction. If think about an answer too long, you will be disqualified and will lose all the money and points you’ve won thus far in the game. Is that understood?
F: Yeah.
C: Are you ready for the Lightning Round?
F: Yes.
C: That’s correct.
Eegee’s french fries: ranch or two ranches?
F: Ranch.
C: Spring Fling or Pima County Fair?
F: Fling.
C: Sixth Ave or Sixth St?
F: Street.
C: Yard sales on a Sunday morning or the Swap Meet on a Saturday night?
F: Oooh, Swap.
C: Which is more annoying: people who misspell “Tucson” or people from Phoenix?
F: I have issues with spelling. People who misspell Tucson.
C: Preferred Gem Show purchase: “authentic” arrowheads or anything-turquoise?
F: Arrowheads.
C: Sabino Canyon or Mt. Lemmon?
F: Lemons! That’s my flavor!
C: Gary Shandling or Craig T. Nelson?
F: Coach.
C: Finally, Fourco, finish this sentence: “Tucson is…”
F: Cold. Tucson is cold.
C: Truer words have never been spoken.
Fourco, thank you for joining me today
F: Sure. Do I get my free food now?
C: Yes, there’s a burrito waiting for you in a saguaro cactus.
F: Oh, good. I was kind of hoping for some rice and lemon pepper wings from Wings and Rice, though.
C: With arms. Wide open. To hold you.
F: Tucson is great.
C: But cold.
F: Mmhmm.
C: Great, but cold.
F: I can withstand the cold.
C: Good for you. Not many can.
——
Tune in next time for another conversation with one of Tucson’s many voices. If you have a question for one of those voices, or would like to be one of those voices, please send it to tucson dot interviewed at gmail dot com.
You can also follow Tucson Interviewed on Twitter at @TucsonInterview
The first formal theatrical stage production in Tucson, Arizona has a story. Probably. I actually don’t know what it is. It’s not that I don’t care–it’s more a matter of skill and competency. Do you think you can do better? Go ahead, then. Try googling “First theatrical stage production in Tucson” and see what kind of results you get.
Oh, really? No, I wasn’t aware of that. Clearly I did not even bother to perform that search query. Look, friend, I’m not the theatre beat reporter, okay? I’m just a man named after a fish trying to do whatever it is that I’m doing.
I caught up with the subject of this interview as she worked the box office for Borderlands Theater’s production of Maria’s Circular Dance and Trash at the Zuzi Theater. She is a writer, actor, director, co-founder of the Something Something Writers Group, and not 14-years-old. Tucson Interviewed, this is Esther Blue Almazán interviewed…
——
Catfish: We should start and let everyone know for the sake of full disclosure that you and I do know each other
Esther Almazán: Yes
C: Outside of the interviewer-interviewee dynamic
EA: Right, you are my nemesis. [NOTE: I was not aware at the time of the interview that I was the nemesis of Esther]
C: Oh, I’ve been promoted.
EA: [laughs]
C: That’s cool. I was going to warn the listeners that I could probably manipulate you into saying anything I want [on account of our personal relationship], but as your nemesis that’s probably not the case.
EA: Or it is if you’re a really good nemesis.
C: Ooooh, maybe…
So, Esther…
EA: Yes.
C: Blue…? Almazán…? Preference?
EA: Yes.
C: Okay, Esther Blue Almazán Yes.
EA: Well, that is my full name: Esther Blue Almazán.
C: Ohhh, okay, so ‘Yes’ is not part of your name? I was thinking Esther Blue Almazán Yes.
EA: No.
C: Okay, I’ve got it.
EA: It’s Esther Blue Almazán No.
[At this point, the interview quickly devolves into a discussion on the plural form of nemesis and just how many of those a hack writer should have]
C: How long have you been in Tucson?
EA: [thinks on this, probably an attempt to cover her tracks] I don’t know.
C: So, a while?
EA: Well, I go back and forth, so, like, all together?
C: When was the last time you left Tucson?
EA: It would have been 2008.
C: Now I know you’re lying–
EA: Why?
C: –because you’ve been to New Orleans since then. And New York.
EA: Oh oh oh, you mean just for a trip?
C: Right.
EA: I thought you meant to live.
C: Well, it could have been, but this is what I decided to go with.
EA: Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. So I’ve been in Tucson–then I’ve only been in Tucson since March of last year [2013].
C: Wow, so a relative newcomer to Southern Arizona, though you’ve spent time here in the past?
EA: Right.
C: When did you first come to Tucson?
EA: I first came to Tucson when I was 11.
C: 11-years-old.
EA: Yes.
C: We should point out to the listeners, even though they’re not listeners, that you are only 14-years-old at the moment.
EA: [laughs]
C: So about three years ago is when you first came to Tucson.
EA: No.
C: No.
EA: No.
C: This is going to be a nightmare for me to edit.
EA: Yeah, so, no… that’s going to be very confusing. I just–I come and go.
C: You come and go. Like a–
EA: I didn’t live in New Orleans.
C: –karma chameleon?
EA: Yes. I was only there for four days.
C: Oh, okay, so a nomad is how you might describe yourself–
EA: Yes.
C: –if you were inaccurately describing yourself?
EA: Right [Laughs] exactly, if I was who I am in my fantasies.
C: So you do have fantasies of being nomadic?
EA: Right. Yes. Definitely, like, you know, everyone wants to have that drop of gypsy blood.
C: But the gypsies aren’t treated well from what I have read. [NOTE: I have not read anything specifically about gypsies]
[At this point in the interview, we veer off topic and discuss the plight of oppressed peoples of the world and reaffirm our commitment to only oppress the unoppressed.]
So you first came to Tucson when you were 11-years-old?
EA: Yes.
C: Why Tucson?
EA: My dad was stationed here at Davis Monthan Air Force Base. It was kind of like coming home because my family on my mom’s side is from Ajo.
C: Natural follow-up to “Why Tucson”: Where Tucson?
EA: I’m embarrassed to say East Side.
C: So you are not fond of the east side of Tucson?
EA: I’m fond of it, it’s just embarrassing.
C: But why is it embarrassing if you’re fond of it?
EA: Well you know… East Side.
C: Are you trying to out me as an East Sider?
EA: Yeah. Palo Verde [NOTE: Your intrepid reporter spent his high school career, save for six weeks, as a Palo Verde Titan. He is neither proud nor ashamed of this fact.]
C: Would you describe yourself as a reluctant East Sider–
EA: Yes.
C: –or an ashamed East Sider?
EA: Oh, yeah, I guess ashamed, because I’m not really reluctant. I embrace it in private.
C: How has Tucson changed since you’ve been here?
EA: There’s this whole new growth, like a tumor, happening in the northwest part of the region. It’s like…
C: Like Marana and Oro Valley?
EA: Right, they’ve become like a whole bunch of those kind of, faux desert-looking houses that all look the same from one neighborhood to the next.
C: Right, the master planned communities.
EA: Yes.
C: They kind of oozed over from California.
EA: Yes, and they’re all painted in pinkish-sand hues.
C: But without the use of any sand or mud.
EA: Right.
C: Just chicken-wire and stucco.
EA: Right. And sheetrock.
C: I don’t even think there’s sheetrock on the outside.
EA: Oh.
C: But I don’t know. I’m not a construction …person.
EA: Me neither.
C: Well, that’s two of us. It’s probably why we get along so well. And why both of our homes are in a state of disarray.
EA: Right, and we did have that storm back in 2006.
C: Very good, it was 2006.
EA: And your roof blew off, and my house flooded.
C: Close enough.
EA: What happened?
C: Just a slight exaggeration. Well, the whole roof didn’t come off–it just had a hole in it.
EA: Right.
C: But your house did flood.
EA: Yes.
C: And, uh, was carried off down the street.
EA: That is a huge exaggeration.
C: It’s not a huge exaggeration because your house at the time was very tiny and so it was easy for the water to carry it away.
EA: But it didn’t.
C: I remember that differently.
EA: I’m sure you do.
C: Tell me, Esther, what is your ideal burrito filling?
EA: Ooh, that is a very good question.
C: Finally!
EA: I would say, it would be, beans with pico de gallo salsa and a little bit of cheese.
Filling, though, to me, is only half the burrito. The tortilla has to be good. Or I won’t even eat it. I don’t care how good the filling is.
C: Volume-wise, the tortilla is actually far less than half–
EA: It doesn’t matter–
C: –of the burrito.
EA: –if it’s a crappy tortilla, I won’t eat it.
C: What’s the worst tortilla you’ve ever had?
EA: The worst? Probably something out of the supermarket.
C: Oh boy…
EA: You know those kind that smell like feet, and they look like they’re not cooked yet.
C: Are the ones you’re talking about the kind you’re supposed to take home and finish cooking?
EA: No, no, I love those, actually.
C: Because you can get those in grocery stores, too.
EA: Yes, and at Costco, and I love them.
C: So not those?
EA: No, those are actually awesome, and I don’t know why I love them. I didn’t want to, but I brought the Costco ones home, and they are wonderful.
C: It’s a forbidden love affair.
EA: Yeah, but they taste good.
C: Like with you and the East Side?
EA: Right. Yeah. I love the East Side. I’m fond of it.
C: You just don’t want to be there.
EA: Right.
C: So it’s like being married to somebody that you supposedly love, but never going home [to that person]?
EA: Right!
C: Makes perfect sense.
EA: Yes.
C: If the East Side wanted to have children, what would you say?
EA: I would say go ahead. It kind of has. Look at Civano and–
C: Follow-up: the East Side sits you down–manages to bring you home for an afternoon, has a very nice meal planned for you, candles, all of that–the East Side says, “Esther, I want to have children with you.” What do you say?
EA: I say, “I’m done with kids. I have the perfect child and no need to–”
C: So no plans to adopt in the future?
EA: No.
C: Speaking of future plans, what is your favorite street to drive down?
EA: Broadway at the holidays. Or Speedway when it turns into Gates Pass. It’s gorgeous, right?
C: It’s gorgeous until you hit somebody, then the appeal kind of wears off.
Not that I–
EA: Yeah, I’ve never done that.
C: Neither have I. [NOTE: not an admission of guilt]
What’s your least favorite street to drive down?
EA: Oh, uh…
C: Now this can be for strictly aesthetic reasons or personal reasons. Maybe a certain street has, uh, negative connotations–maybe you hit somebody while driving down a long, winding road–or just the actual physical condition of the street itself.
EA: No, I get it. It’s just that there’s so many.
You know, I can’t even think of one.
C: There are just so many.
EA: Yeah.
C: Ideally you would maneuver around Tucson in some kind of heli- or gyrocopter to distance yourself from the streets?
EA: No, I love Tucson in general, but there are some kind of warehouse-y streets I don’t like–
C: Right.
EA: –because they’re ugly.
C: A different kind of ugly.
EA: You know what I used to hate–Oh! You know where [I hate to drive]? There’s this part of Palo Verde, south of Benson Highway, right there. Although I love Benson Highway, how it’s like a timewarp, and you go through it. There are all these ancient places with ancient signs for old motels that don’t exist anymore. It’s haunted.
C: The entire street?
EA: Just that section of it.
C: Oh, okay.
What is your favorite local musical act?
EA: That would be Ted Ramírez.
C: I believe I read he’s the official troubadour of Tucson?
EA: He is the official troubadour of Tucson. There’s also a statue of him by the courthouse. It commemorates when the Mormon battalion came into Tucson, and the statue is of his ancestor who was the Spanish merchant who greeted them. I think. Anyway, he’s amazing.
C: How long has he been the official troubadour of Tucson?
EA: Oh my God, that’s a good question. [NOTE: According to Wikipedia, he was officially proclaimed the troubadour of the city in December 2001]
C: And how does one become the official troubadour? Is there an election or…?
EA: No, you’re just appointed by the mayor, I believe. Mayor and city council, maybe? [NOTE: Wikipedia does indeed state that it was the mayor and city council who appointed the title, but it does not state if the both parties are required in order to do so]
C: Hmm. What if there was a challenger to his throne?
EA: That’s a good question. It’s never come up.
C: Interesting.
EA: Yeah, he goes unchallenged and undefeated.
C: So it’s a troubadouric dictatorship, essentially?
EA: Exactly, mm-hmm. Yeah.
C: Maybe Tucson’s not as liberal as we thought.
EA: Yeah, no.
C: Not when it comes to troubadours.
EA: Especially when it comes to troubadourism.
C: Excellent.
Now we’ve reached the portion of the interview where we discuss the University of Arizona.
EA: Okay.
C: So, the question is: Can you tell me something about the U of A?
EA: [lengthy silence]
C: That is correct.
EA: [laughs] I know a whole bunch of things, but I can’t think of anything right this second.
C: It’s okay. It’s not like you knew this was coming.
Reader question. This comes to us from Drew. He asks, “Do the Inside Actors Studio end questions.”
It’s possible that his question was cut off prematurely.
EA: [laughs] What about them?
C: So do they?
EA: Do they end questions?
C: Do the Inside Actors Studio end questions?
EA: There’s got to be more to that. Those end questions that they ask. What’s your favorite smell? What’s your favorite sound?
C: Yes or no?
EA: Yes. They end questions.
C: Oh, wait. It’s actually not a question, the way it’s phrased. There’s no question mark. I believe it’s an order to do the Inside the Actors Studio end questions.
EA: Oh, to do them.
C: Right, but I asked for reader questions not reader commands–
EA: Oh, right.
C: –so I read it as a question.
EA: So that person should have asked all of those questions–
C: Right, because I don’t… I don’t know those questions off the top of my head
EA: Yeah, I don’t either. I know there’s something about smells and sounds.
C: There’s probably something about …the U of A.
EA: [laughs] I would lose the contest on Actors Studio.
C: You wouldn’t win a car.
EA: I would not. The students would boo me, and I would be ashamed.
C: Would you be able to return to East Tucson in shame?
EA: Yes. Yeah, I mean, I would match.
C: What do you think of people who live, I don’t know, say, east of Swan?
EA: I love them–
C: The worst people in the world?
EA: Oh, God no! My aunt lives there. My uncle, who’s the official troubadour of Tucson, lives there. Important people live there.
C: I’m sorry–
EA: Catfish Baruni, the playwright, lives there.
C: –this is a bombshell. You are making an accusation that the official troubadour of Tucson lives on the east side?
EA: Yes. His children went to Palo Verde [Magnet High School]
C: How is he still in office? How does he recover from a scandal like this?
EA: No, see, what’s happened with the east side is that it now has cachet. When I lived there as a youngster, it didn’t. Now it does, and it’s kind of the northwest of Tucson that is now what the southeast side of Tucson was then.
C: Do you prefer saguaros with arms or without?
EA: Oh, with! The more the better.
C: What if they’re the rotting-off kind of arms?
EA: Yeah, awesome. You can see their skeletons. That is so cool.
C: So you enjoy saguaro skeletons?
EA: Yes, oh yes. My favorite part.
C: You would prefer if all saguaros were just skeletons perhaps?
EA: Oh, no no no. So sad.
C: So you do feel? You do have emotions?
EA: Yes.
C: Okay. Just trying to suss out my nemesis.
EA: Yes.
C: I may rearrange that so it appears as question number one.
When a monsoon thunderstorm strikes, what do you prefer to be doing?
EA: Standing outside under a ramada. I think.
C: Okay.
EA: Is that the right answer?
C: I’ll give you half-credit for it.
EA: Okay.
C: Can you tell me one of Tucson’s nicknames?
EA: “The Old Pueblo.” “The Sunshine Factory.”
C: “The Sunshine Factory”?
EA: Yes.
C: Is that actually one of them or did you just make it up?
EA: Yes.
C: Oh, okay. The next question is, can you give Tucson a new nickname?
EA: [as Esther thinks, the sound of a train can be heard in the distance]
C: It’s too bad “Sunshine Factory” is already taken because that would have been a good one.
EA: [talks to someone off camera, asking for suggestions, but comes up short] How about “Theatre Valley”?
C: “Theatre Valley”?
EA: Yes.
C: Okay.
You don’t seem too enthusiastic about that.
EA: No, I’m totally enthusiastic about it.
C: Okay, so, it’s in the news so I have to ask about it. Do you think that “1062” was a good number to give to the ‘Pray-to-discriminate’ state senate bill? Isn’t there a more sinister number that could have been used? [NOTE: This interview was conducted prior to the bill being vetoed by Arizona governor, Jan “Quick Draw” Brewer]
EA: You mean like “10-666”?
C: Or “999” sounds evil.
EA: 999 sounds evil?
C: I’m pretty sure I heard Hitler say it.
EA: Oh, oh. Got it, got it. No, I think they have to go in order, so, you know. I don’t think they can make the numbers aesthetically pleasing.
C: Or unaesthetically pleasing to match the dastardliness of the bill.
So we’re here at the Historic Y–that’s what they call it, right? Just the “Historic Y”?
EA: Yes.
C: It can’t have always been called the “Historic Y,” though, I assume. “Construction started today on the Historic Y…”
EA: [laughs] That’s funny.
C: You’re working here as the…?
EA: I’m the box office.
C: …chump?
EA: Chump.
C: You’re working as the box office chump for a production.
EA: Yes, a Borderlands Theater production of Maria’s Circular Dance and Trash.
C: Maria’s Circular Dance and Trash?
EA: They’re two shows.
C: Maria’s Circular Dance and then …Trash?
EA: Yes, you see the first show and then go out for intermission, you get some water, you go to the bathroom, you go back in and watch Trash. They’re both excellent.
C: For how much longer are those shows running?
EA: Until Sunday [March 2nd]
C: This Sunday?
EA: Yes.
C: So by the time this gets put up, it will–so there’s really no reason to even talk about this to plug it?
EA: Yeah, right. That sucks. But we can plug Borderlands. Borderlands is awesome.
C: We can, we can plug Borderlands. Do you have any idea what their next production will be?
EA: I do, it is going to be Burning Patience, which is about Pablo Neruda. It’s directed by the fabulous Barclay Goldsmith and will run from April 3rd through the 13th at Zuzi’s Theater at the Historic Y.
C: Now, as I mentioned, we’re at the Historic Y. The Historic Y, for parking purposes, has a Lot A, a Lot B, and they even have an ancillary Lot D. Why is there no Lot C?
EA: I didn’t even know about A, B, and D, so you got me there.
C: Apparently someone hasn’t been on the website today.
EA: No, I, uh, just parked on the street.
C: Now it’s the time of the interview where we do the Lightning Round. I do not yet have the pompous, wordy introduction for the Lightning Round that will eventually happen. Or the introduction may just be me talking about not having the pompous introduction ready for the Lightning Round.
EA: Okay.
C: But, the Lightning Round.
EA: Got it.
C: Are you ready for the Lightning Round?
EA: Yes.
C: Excellent, that’s correct.
Eegee’s french fries: ranch or two ranches?
EA: No ranch, ketchup. Gross! [NOTE: It was at this moment that I realized why she and I are nemeses]
C: Spring Fling or Pima County Fair?
EA: Pima County Fair.
C: Sixth Avenue or Sixth Street?
EA: Avenue.
C: Yard sales on a Sunday morning, or the Swap Meet on a Saturday night?
EA: I guess …yard sales.
C: Which is more annoying: people who misspell “Tucson” or people from Phoenix?
EA: People who misspell “Tucson” [NOTE: Esther wants to make it perfectly clear that she did not answer with “people from Phoenix,” as she has no problem with people from Phoenix, just Phoenix itself]
C: Preferred gem show purchase: “authentic” arrowheads or anything turquoise?
EA: Anything turquoise.
C: Sabino Canyon or Mt. Lemmon?
EA: Mt. Lemmon.
C: Gary Shandling or Craig T. Nelson?
EA: Linda Ronstadt.
C: That was not one of the–
EA: Craig T. Nelson. I hate Gary Shandling.
C: You understand that Craig T. Nelson is a conservative?
EA: Okay, neither.
C: You can’t…
EA: Dammit.
C: So, Craig T. Nelson.
EA: Oh God… Why can’t I just change it to–I don’t like either.
C: You have to pick. Those are the rules of the Lightning Round.
EA: Craig T. Nelson is an actor I enjoy watching.
C: But he didn’t make The Larry Sanders Show, so…
EA: Which was also stupid.
C: I don’t know if I’ll even give you a chance to answer the last question.
EA: Alright, sorry.
C: Finish this sentence: “Tucson is…”
EA: Where I want to live.
C: Except the East Side.
EA: No, I would live on the East Side. I did live on the East Side. I’ve lived all over the East Side.
C: But never again.
EA: Yeah, I would.
C: That makes you previous hatred of the East Side seem–
EA: I’m thinking about the Northeast Side. It’s too gorgeous, right?
C: Right, they’ve got that Safeway at Tanque Verde and Catalina Highway.
EA: Yeah, I was thinking about the Safeway [laughs]
C: It’s really gorgeous
EA: The first thing that came to my mind was the Safeway. No, it’s beautiful, like up against the Catalinas. It’s so pretty.
C: Esther…
EA: Yes?
C: Thank you for joining me.
EA: You’re welcome. Thank you for…
C: I hope you’ll come back sometime to the couch inside the lobby of the Historic Y
——
Things I learned during this interview:
Rubbing my hands on my pants is a lot louder than I ever suspected it was and will be picked up by a voice recorder
Hearing myself laugh on tape is awful
(It wasn’t actually tape)
[It was acetate]
And some other thing
Tune in next time for another conversation with one of Tucson’s many voices. If you have a question for one of those voices, or would like to be one of those voices, please send it to tucson dot interviewed at gmail dot com.
I have to admit that last week’s interview, the debut offering from Tucson Interviewed, was an unmitigated disaster. My first guest, “A” Mountain, walked out mid-interview before I could really get to…
I have some bad news: Cam is no longer with us.
The GOOD NEWS, however, is that a new interview will be posted tonight or tomorrow morning. I wonder what he/she/it will have to say in response to the inane questions I ask. Only one way to find out: ask someone foolish enough to have read the interview once it’s up.
I have to admit that last week’s interview, the debut offering from Tucson Interviewed, was an unmitigated disaster. My first guest, “A” Mountain, walked out mid-interview before I could really get to the meat of my query.
I felt like a failure. At least nobody died, I told myself.
Yeah, except for my professional journalism career.
After wallowing for a bit, I remembered what my grandmother used to tell me: “Don’t fuck it up again.” If my grandmother was willing to give me a second chance, why couldn’t Tucson?
For this installment, I present to you my interview with a Tucson-ish traffic camera, Traffic Camera #AZ48299.
——
Catfish: Thank you for speaking with me today, Camera #AZ48299.
Traffic Camera: You’re welcome. Thank you for having me Please, call me Cam.
C: Okay, Cam, if you insist. I’d like to start out by asking that you not leave before the interview is finished.
TC: Heh heh. Of course not.
C: How long have you been in Tucson, Cam?
TC: Let’s see… I think it’s been about five–five-ish–years now.
C: And we should point out that technically you are outside of the city limits of Tucson, correct?
TC: That’s correct. I’m one of the traffic cameras on Alvernon between Ajo and Irvington. We photograph speeders.
C: I have to ask, how do you feel when people slow down below the speed limit to drive past you?
TC: (laughs) Oh, bless their hearts. I don’t know what they’re thinking!
C: Right? It’s like they think they’re going to get extra credit or something. Like maybe you’ll take their picture for being especially safe and send it to them with a gold star or something.
TC: (Laughs uproariously)
C: But the fact of the matter is that the Pima County cameras wouldn’t take pictures unless a car was going 11 miles or more over the limit.
TC: That’s correct.
C: So you’ve kind of gotten a bad rap then? Unlike the red light cameras, you would give people a little wiggle room.
TC: Absolutely.
C: How have you enjoyed the Old Pueblo?
TC: I’ve loved it. Loved it, loved it, loved it. I’m originally from Mesa, and–well… let’s just say that Mesa is Mesa and doesn’t at all compare to Tucson.
C: But your stay here is coming to an end soon, correct?
TC: Yes, I, along with the other traffic cameras in Pima County were turned off last month (January 2014).
C: But you’re still here.
TC: Yes, for the time being. We’re awaiting recall by the vendor.
C: What happens to all of you at that point?
TC: There have been a lot rumors, but, really, nobody’s sure. Maybe we’ll be deployed to another city. Maybe we’ll be turned into scrap. Maybe we’ll be reconfigured as red light cameras inside the city.
While I could see everyone who drove past me, the one thing I’ve never been able to see is the future.
C: How deep.
There’s no use in denying it, Cam, but you and your camera brethren were never popular in the city. There have been numerous attempts to get rid of you, including a number of petitions. Did that ever bother you?
TC: No–
C: Really?
TC: Listen, I understand. I get it, I really do. I know why I was never well liked. It just goes with the territory. I’ve never held it against anyone. I was created to do one thing, and that was the only thing I could do: be what I was born to be. I was me, but I was the best me I could be.
C: You had no problems with what your occupation? Essentially you were a paid snitch.
TC: It’s not like that was my dream in life. Do people really think that I wouldn’t have rather have taken pictures of something else?
C: So you do have an underlying interest in photography?
TC: Oh, yes, absolutely, that and silent film. They’re both such magical mediums.
C: What would you rather have photographed?
TC: I know this sounds strange, but I’ve always had a fascination with yard ornaments and decorations. Gnomes, sleeping sombrero-ed Mexicans, tortoises–I love it all!
C: You’re right that does sound strange.
TC: I’m comfortable with who I am.
C: “Whom I am.”
TC: Whom are you?
C: The album?
TC: (Laughs) I have no idea what’s going on right now.
C: Me neither. Um, let’s see, next question: what is your ideal burrito filling?
TC: I know this isn’t very exciting, but when it’s done correctly, I say that there’s nothing better than bean and cheese.
C: Black or Pinto?
TC: Neither. Lima.
C: Ugh, that sounds disgusting. Where does one even find a lima bean and cheese burrito?
TC: I’m comfortable with who I am.
C: What’s your favorite local musical act?
TC: Oh, gosh, I don’t even know!I really don’t get out much.
C: Always working, eh?
TC: Like the saying goes, “There’s no rest for the worked.”
C: I don’t think that’s actually a saying.
TC: Seriously?
C: Hey! I ask the questions here. I don’t come into your workplace and take pictures of people in their Nissans Versa speeding by!
TC: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it.
C: I was just messing with you. Sorry–sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t translate well. Moving on, though, it’s time for our classic question concerning the University of Arizona.
TC: Ooh, exciting. Let’s do this.
C: The question is: Can you tell me something about the U of A?
TC: Um, they like red bricks?
C: That is correct! Next question.
Because I want Tucson Interviewed to be an interactive discussion, I’ve opened the floor to questions from my readers, and in each interview I’ll ask one of their questions. Cam, are you ready?
TC: Yes, I can’t wait.
C: The question is…
…we actually have no questions.
TC: Oh, boo. I was really looking forward to it.
C: Yeah, I’m not entirely sure that I have any readers, to be perfectly honest. I guess I’ll go back to asking my own questions.
TC: Sounds good to me.
C: To many Tucsonans, the monsoon season is the highlight of the year. When one of our quintessential monsoon thunderstorms rolls into town, Cam, what do you prefer to be doing?
TC: In a perfect world? I’d be snuggled up with a favorite book, occasionally sipping on a Cactus Cooler on ice.
C: Tucson is in the Sonoran Desert, obviously, which is the home of the iconic saguaro cactus. Tell me, Cam, do you prefer saguaros with or without arms?
TC: With arms, definitely. Without them, I’ve always thought they just look like green misshapen, thorned penises.
C: I have never once thought that, but I suppose you’re maybe right. Speaking of thoughts, we’re going to set aside the deep, thought-provoking questions and enter into the Lightning Round. With these questions, I don’t want you to think about them; I just want you to give your first, instinctive answer.
TC: Okay.
C: Are you ready?
TC: Is this part of the Lightning Round?
C: Is me asking you if you’re ready for the Lightning Round part of the Lightning Round?
TC: Yes.
C: Yes.
TC: So I’ve already ruined the bit by asking you if it was part of the bit?
C: I wouldn’t say you ruined it. You know what really ruins an interview?
TC: No, what?
C: When the dick mountain I’m interviewing walks out mid-interview. That ruins things mighty quick.
TC: Oh, no!
C: Yeah, first interview in this series–
TC: That’s just awful.
C: Anyway, let’s not dwell. Let’s get to the first real question of the Lightning Round.
TC: Okay.
C: The Lightning Round starts …now!
Eegee’s french fries: ranch or two ranches?
TC: Uhh, ranch?
C: Spring Fling or Pima County Fair?
TC: The Fair.
C: Sixth Street or Sixth Avenue?
TC: Avenue.
C: Yard sales on a Sunday morning or the Swap Meet on a Saturday night?
TC: You can only get a churro at one of those. Swap Meet.
C: Which is more annoying: people who misspell “Tucson” or people from Phoenix?
TC: Misspelled Tucson.
C: Preferred Gem Show purchase: “authentic” arrowheads or anything turquoise?
TC: Arrowheads.
C: Sabino Canyon or Mt. Lemmon?
TC: Mt. Lemmon.
C: Gary Shandling or Craig T. Nelson?
TC: Garry Shandling.
C: Finish this sentence: “Tucson is…”
TC: Home. Tucson is home.
C: Cam, thank you for taking the time to speak with me today. I, along with the rest of Tucson, wish you the best of luck int he future.
TC: It’s been a pleasure, Tucson.
——
Tune in next time for another conversation with one of Tucson’s many voices. If you have a question for one of those voices, please send it to tucson dot interviewed at gmail dot com.
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