A Real World

[tuesday-tea-time]

I know I drifted away again, but not that far past. As usual, things came up and just forgot, or other things got on my mind. 

I’m now back working and I miss him more than ever. To go from seeing someone everyday to nothing is hard. Before we left the house to head to the airport we just had a moment together that was something I didn't expect. He laid on me and cried. Granted, I cried first, but neither of us expected to fall like we did. We didn’t expect to develop feelings the way we did nor did we expect a true relationship to form. We went into this as just a week in Georgia and then go off about our way. When he would come to town we would see each other and go our separate ways. 

Sitting at the gate in the airport was harder than I thought. Me doing my usual thing I thanked him for everything and all I could do is cry through the message. I missed him and missed his love. He opened up to me saying that he didn't think he would fall for me the way he did, and as quick as he did. 

As almost cruel as this world is, there's always that person that can change our perspective of what we think and what we experience. Who knows how long this will last, but I thank him for what he has opened me to. Giving me a feeling of knowing there is good in the world. Noting is easy in life and us doing long distance won't be easy, but for anything good you have to work for it in life. 

This will require work like no other. We obviously have sacrifices in our social lives. We have to explore a new city on our own and meet people properly. I’ve never been one to settle down, but I want to settle my social life down. I want to make someone happy, and not just anyone. I want to make the right person happy. i want to make them proud of who they're with and make them proud of me as a person. 

I knew moving there was some growing up that needed to happen and I think this is where it begins. It begins with meeting the right person that not only helps it, but also encourages it. We have lived the same life for a little bit now and we truthfully aren't sure how to be in a good relationship with someone that benefits us. This is a learning opportunity for both of us to grow as people and to learn together. It’s never easy to do it alone so to have someone that understands the beginning couldn't be better. 

I know our lives are similar now and a things move forward will become different. I want to explore new things with him. i want to travel to new places with him. I want to grow as a person with him. We have so many memories together and at the moment we both have so many opportunities to make more. 

I lay here in bed missing him but more importantly I think of how much I appreciate him and all he has done for me in the past, present and future. 

[tuesday-tea-time]

And, we're back..... Irony of this song is who it makes me think of but also it just came up on my phone, on a random shuffle. 

I know i’ve never been good with making this consistent or even making posts the are relevant. All I’ve done is make the a place for me to just vent. I have an instagram with the same name and I want to try and make a post there and also make a post here. They can either be the same post, something related to each other or something completely different. End of the day, and how i’ve always said, this is my form of social media and therefore its my choice what I post. Obviously I try and keep things somewhat neutral and not giving names or really anything to specific, but I’ll post it how it is and post the truth to the situation or the truth to how I feel. 

It’s somewhat weird to come back to this and just start talking about what's going on in my mind or what's going on in my life. I want to not only catch up this blog on what's going on but also catch myself up. It’s always interesting to me to see where I was a year ago or even month ago. 

So, I guess we can start off with what this post is mainly about, Boy 1. Boy 1 is now gone...for the most part. I knew at the time of writing last time that it was something that needed to end and for thee most part is. The part that needed to end and to me that's what's the most important. From the time that Boy1 ended is when shit hit the fan at work and it was not only a choice but with my personal life became a time for the to decide to leave Dallas. I knew it wasn't going to be easy leaving my friends and family but really, leaving my family that just moved to be closer to me and be able to see me more. Doing what I do best, I got back on Hinge and changed my location to Houston. Started seeing what was there and also gave me some people to know once I moved. Me being me, I kept going out in Dallas. Met some people, reunited with some people, and well, ran into some people. It’s what I do. Do I still talk to the ones I ran into? yes. Sadly, they aren't a one time thing. They're Boy2. They get a name because they also tattoo me..... I tried to make something with Boy3 who also tattoos and sadly that never developed. Boy2 was a drunk decision and not my finest decision. But here they are, making it into a list....multiple lists. So before I even move to Houston I start talking to this guys...Per usual, I have no expectations because of how guys have been in the past and how guys are especially on dating sites. Well, he did what I said, Read my bio. So here's the introduction to Boy4. I know, this is a lot in a 2 month time frame, but new locations and trying to start new and a clean start. Boy 4 seemed different. He understood why I was still in Dallas looking in Houston. We talked more than I feel I have done to other guys. Best part, he knew when I was suppose to move and even told me welcome to Houston. Well, me being me, went out the night before and was too hung over to want to drive 4 hours to Houston or even think of packing my car to move. I stayed in Dallas one more day....went out one more time, shockingly didn't wake up hung over but weirdly woke up in a random bed in uptown with a random guy...drove picked up my friends and proceeded to leave Dallas to Houston. I was exhausted, starving and somewhat broke from moving. I already talked to Boy 4 about wanting to possibly meet up. Oh! Not only was I starving and exhausted I was also buzzing. I decided to power through a Mikes Harder one the last 20 min drive and that got me for a bit. I unloaded the car and passed out for a nap. Sobered up basically. But managed to get dinner with him. It was almost weird just because I really wasn't in the mood anymore. I figured why not and go see him. It was an aright dinner, he was kinda cheesy and when I left, I just didn't know how I felt. It wasn’t something that I really enjoyed, but it also wasn't a bad time. It was something where I’d see him again and just see where things go. Well, I decided to see him again. Same feelings but It was almost better, maybe not better but it was shocking. He came over and we just chilled, something not many people are use to when a guy comes over. He came over, didn't try to make a move on me. He just came over, smoked and we just chilled. I went to the bar with him after work and when it was time for me to leave is when he kissed me. I still wasn't very into him like it seemed like he was me, but he was a nice guy and I liked spending time with him, we got along well and for me having no friends in Houston the company was very nice. After all that I went back to Dallas for a  concert. Ummm, let’s say Mother Nature had a different idea. Covid-19 was getting worse and worse and they started limiting social gatherings. Sadly the one concert I wanted to see was cancelled. Saturday I hung out with my people and I got the news we were closing until further notice. My weekend in Dallas turned into 2 weeks in Dallas. I was hanging around this guy(Boy5) I met that weekend and it was fine, but it was also kinda annoying. I decided to go back to Houston and get clothes since I had packed for a weekend and was staying for 2 weeks. I bounced around a lot. I went from McKinney, Dallas, Forney and Houston all in about 2 weeks. I got bored and decided to take advantage of the cheap flights. I booked a one-way to Las Vegas and spent a week out there. When I’m with other guys I become distant to others, just out of respect. I got a message from Boy4, he got furloughed from work and decided to move to Georgia and asked if I wanted to make a road trip with him. I booked a flight back to Dallas within 30 minutes and was back in Dallas in less than 12 hours. I spent a couple days with my parents and then made the drive back to Houston on Thursday. Friday as the big trip. Packed a bag Thursday night and was off to Georgia Friday. Basically since then I’ve been in Georgia, so at todays date about a month. It’s been interesting and I’ve learned a lot from being here. I can't really go anywhere because I have no car, plus this town isn't big so its not like I’m missing out on a ton of stuff. I’m watching a lot of TV, rewatching shows, catching up on shows, and finishing seasons from months or years ago. But I’m also spending a lot of time with someone that really means a lot to me. I know this is a long post but Its also a way to somewhat catch up. This is sadly only half of responding to my previous post. The other half of what post and my next post go hand in hand. They go with what's on my mind from last night and what comes to mind often because of everything that's gone on. I know he wants me to tell him what's on my mind, but that's just something I’v never been good at. I don't like to bring my problems on to someone else so I just don't speak them. I do what i do best and I just type them out here or write in a notebook...which ever is easiest and most convenient. 

I feel like this is legit a novel and I should  cut it short now. I basically said all I needed to, did what I waned to do and catch up from my previous post. I basically did. I just only caught up half. The other half is a whole post that also pertains to my thoughts last night so I guess this is just technically the end of part 1. 

[tuesday-tea-time]

The irony of life. My previous post is now no longer a thing. The way I messed things up put me with who I’m with now and it’s weird. It’s a weird sketch situation. All I can do is trust to an extent and try and not become attached. In a way its almost easy to not get attached. It’s a weird thing with his ex. When he first told me he seemed so emotional about it and felt like he hurt me, but now it just feels like he doesn't care and wants more with her. He has this almost slight obsession with her and if they talked and worked things out I would assume they would get back together. Their relationship is something I have zero interest in and something I don't want to be apart of.... to the extent of even hearing her name. 

Time is not on our side but all we can do is make the best of the time we have. One month down, four months to go. Four can be shortened real fast and its just something I need to figure out on my own time. I want it shorter based on actions I have seen in the past, but it’s almost hard when they decide to be a somewhat decent person and act like I’m the main. It’s one of the most conflicting things in life because you want to trust your gut, but your heart says something different. 

With everything I hope for the best and we will see where this goes.

[tuesday-tea-time]

I guess it’s been posted so I guess I can post it again.

I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted but a lot has gone on. I’ve lived, learned and cried but also partied, had tons of laughs, and had some wonderful memories. I went to Thailand for my birthday and I’m so glad I did. It was a blast and still a moment I can’t believe I actually did. While I was there I started talking to this guy. It seemed to harmless at the beginning and didn’t expect anything from it. The usual conversation of “we should get a drink” came up and it actually happened...and here we are now. You’re fun and as weird as we are sometimes you’re fun to be around and you make me happy. You kiss me different than anyone else and it gives me feelings I’ve never felt before. You have no judgement towards me and just deal with my weirdness. It’s weird that I’m doing something I don’t normally do but it’s something that kinda works and I’m not mad about it.

The usual fear of heart break is there but it’s just something I might ignore for now and hope for the best. Hoping that history doesn’t repeat its self but I can’t learn unless I just try. It’s been a year since I wanted to do something different so let’s see how this goes and it doesn’t repeat itself. 🖤🖤🖤

[tuesday-tea-time]

I’m so unhappy as a person. I play my life off of having what I want and being happy but I’m so unhappy. I know what I want in life and realized tonight that I had it in my life and almost took advantage of it. I could have realized it and maybe settled but I would be happy now. What I want now is what I want and wish I had. It’s what every girl wants but I know reality and I know what guys want. I know their one goal and sadly I help them achieve it. Because of that I do what I do best and I get attached. I get in this mindset that I know is unhealthy and I need to stop and end. I tried it with this one and I kept it in my mind yet still fell back on my old habits, but tried to avoid as much as I could.

I just want to be happy. I want to find someone that sees me as a person and not someone to sleep with. Someone that makes me happy and someone I can find organically. I have my feelings towards social media and dating apps. I just want to be happy and settle down. I’ve had my fun and just want to make one person happy that isn’t me.

[tuesday-tea-time]

I know I say this a lot but it’s weird how life happens. You meet people and don’t realize the impact they can have in your life. I started really talking to you on your birthday and who would have known we would be where we are. The first time I met you I told you that you had a good head on your shoulders and the biggest heart. I see it daily and I try to catch on to your mentality.

I know I get wrapped up in my head sometimes and these couple nights has been that. I know that after you left I felt so bad. I feel like I messed up but I have no idea. I want to know. You mean the world to be and I don’t want to mess up like I always do. I will always pray for you and be there for you. I hope that in life we can make steps and I can be there for you mentally and physically no matter what obstacle life throws at you or me. I know you’re told different things but I want to make sure that you have a solid rock to look out for you and to care for you.

I love you and care for you and always wish the best for you 🖤

-YB

[tuesday-tea-time]

This might be random but I hate how life throws curve balls. When you least expect it something happens and it’s all on your mind. Today it was a scent. I’ve been able to talk about him and move on in life but smelling a familiar scent brought back so many feelings. It brought up memories and such good feelings. Going back to that time brings back so much and makes me miss him so much. I hate I even have these feelings but he did me so wrong. I was such a good person to him and for him to up and leave like he did breaks my heart. I did so much and it’s not even that that makes me so sad. It’s how much I changed and made myself a better person for someone who didn’t care. I grew so much as a person to move on from this and give me closure that I hate that one simple thing brought me back to this. I’ll always want the best for him and want him happy but at the same time I miss him so much.

[tuesday-tea-time]

I would ask why it’s always so heartbreaking leaving Hawaii but I know why. I get to this island and I feel my soul at peace. It’s a different feeling than I’ve ever had towards a place and it’s something you don’t know until you experience it. I came to the beach my second to last night and I got the best uber driver. I feel like the females are the best because they have the best advice for how you feel and the best words of enlightenment. I told her how I feel about this place and she says it’s the aloha hospitality. There’s something so special about this place and it’s somewhere I’ll continually visit. I can go anywhere with anyone and they have me and their friends have my back also. Everyone is family no matter what and they are looking out for everyone.

I want to really try and make this move in 3 years because there’s nothing holding me in Texas. If all fails out here I can move back to Texas and start over. You’re only going once and you don’t know unless you try. This place is like a second home for me and it’s somewhere that makes my soul happy and makes me happy.

Every time I’m out here I’m meeting new people, going new places, and trying new things. I feel like you don’t ever grow as a person unless you’re trying new things and having new experiences. I try to always live with the mindset to avoid “what if”

[tuesday-tea-time]

Here’s just another old school post. No picture, sound, link....nothing. 

We went out tonight for work and i was going to have someone come over...I got a little tipsy, got home, fell asleep and missed the message. I wake up a couple hours later and see 1. he texted me 2. I miss my best friend 3. I want to drive. 

This is what confuses me. 

1. the embarrassment kicked in but I almost don't mind. 

2. I met this guy at a bar and barely talk everyday, but he makes me happy. He’s someone I care about and want more from, but how do you do that without coming across as needy. I know he is out of town but breaks my heart because I always want to see him and spend time with him. I like to be in relationships, but right know, I only want something with him and only him. 

3. In want to drive. I still feel bad for my actions but it’s in the past and can’t hep it. I messed up, said somethings I shouldn't and messed up. I wish I didn't send what I did, but I did and I cant help it. I’ll forever be sorry and feel bad but I just don't know what to do from here. 

Tonight was a good night, I haven't been like this in a while and its good. I just hate the feeling i have now. Regret, sadness and realism. I can’t help it from here but I’m only human and hate it for myself. 

[tuesday-tea-time]

It’s weird how things end up in life. I went to the bar with the intentions to write -which I did-, look at flights -which I did and failed at finding anything-, and have me time -again, completed-. When shit hit the fan I just wanted to find something for me to do and have some me time. I went to leave and got stopped and had one heck of a rollercoaster of a night. It was good and it was also emotional, but here you are, still in life. You could have thought I was bat shit and left but you saw more of me than anyone ever has. I gave you a look of what I wanted and it worked. I didn't have any expectations for after and here we are.

As I grow older i’m learning what I like in guys. I’ve never been one to like just on looks and I'm learning that I’m still in the same situation. I love a good, fun, hardworking man who pushes me to be the best I can be. Yes, every person can do that but its a matter if they care or not. The people I care for confuse me, I think that's how I know I like them. If they were easy to figure out I wouldn't be interested. 

I went to that bar for me time and turned into this, something I could never imagine. You mean what you say and keep your word. Not everyone does and not everyone sees me the way you see me. It might be something minor, but you see things from my perspective and want the best for me.

I want this to work and I want something more from this. I know I say that a lot but this just feels different. You met me at a low time for me and wanted nothing but the best for me. 

I want the best from this and all i can do is hope and pray. The same way I felt before I will feel again. No matter what, I will always care and want the best. Let’s just hope for the best from this. 

[tuesday-tea-time]

It’s crazy how this seems to always pop up in life. In the weirdest sense it’s always true. I never believed it growing up but the older I get and the more things happen I believe it. I ended a 7 year relationship, moved to Dallas, dated a guy who was terrible for me and then found someone else who I thought was perfect for me. He was everything I wasn’t and he made me a better person. He made me work for what I wanted, to be a relationship, and he made me act in ways that was for the better. He made me think of others before myself and made me want to be a better person. He was there for me when I needed someone the most and pushed me to be better. His drive and determination is what I admire most and made me want the same for myself.

I remember so many of our conversations vividly and now it makes me think how much of it was true. We had plans for this week, a couple months away, a few months away, and even a year down the road. What hurts me most is how much I feel like I invested in all this. I gave so much of myself to someone who just up and left, and what hurts the most is they up and left. I have no idea what I did or if I even did anything. They just stopped texting me and stopped any communication. I can’t explain enough how hurt I am because he was truly a good person for me. I could care less of how much I did for him but rather I care about how much of a good person he was for me.

I’m not sure what he’s doing now or what’s going through his mind but I will always want the best for him. He makes me happy and I want him to come back but it will always hurt and I’ll always remember that in a sense he just up and left me when I needed him most, and when I defended him when I didn’t have to.

Everyone asks me why he did it and it’s something I’ll never know. When it comes down to it I’m not sure if it’s something I want to know. My friends say I need to tell him exactly how I feel but I don’t want to seem like that needy person or even really open up my feelings to someone, especially someone that is new in my life. I have so much I want to say but it’s something that’s foreign to me and something I’m not comfortable doing. Maybe I just need to draft it up and just never send it. Get it all off my chest and hope that I can finally be past it. She says I need to send it but at the end of the day I’m not sure if that’s something I can do. I shouldn’t have this feeling because I always wanted to live life and never think of the ‘what if.’ I never wanted to look back and regret not doing something.

[tuesday-tea-time]

Yung Pinch - Winners Table (Prod. Menoh Beats)

GET UR TIX NOW: https://yungpinch.com/pages/tour YUNG PINCH - LOST AT SEA (MIXTAPE) https://soundcloud.com/yungpinch/sets/lost-at-sea-mixtape

It’s been a lot of long nights and sleepless nights, but it’s been worth it. We go times when we are with the right person and its like everything opens up and we confess it all. When I’m around him things feel right. I tell him things I would never just open up about and things I wouldn't tell someone this early into this, hopefully, soon to be relationship. 

With every conversation I learn more and more. I’m learning the good, the bad, and the ugly. It breaks my heart that he's been hurt in heartbreaking ways. He’s truly a good person and to think people take advantage of him and hurt him truly breaks my heart. I know it sounds selfish, but because of them he now has trust issues and it makes it hard for him to trust me and want to make the next step. 

I truly feel blessed and honored that I’ve been able to spend time with him. He likes to say I'm “calm, cool, and collected” but in reality he is. He has so much to say and so many ideas. He truly is someone so different than anyone I’ve met and I know I’ll ever meet anyone like him. No matter what in life I want the best for him.

I’ve been engaged once and I never truly saw myself with him. With this guy I see myself in for the long haul. He makes me want more and makes me work for it. In a sense, I've always been given what I want and never had to work for what I get from him. I give him this look of wanting more and he eats it up. He loves it and it makes me happy that he loves it. I want to know where this can go, I want to have this go somewhere, and I want this to work out more than anything. 

I know we’re not all perfect, but I do know he makes me a better person than anyone has made me before. He is such a real person and its something so rare to find. 

I hope for the best this year with us. I know if it 100% does, we can be a power couple. It’s what I’ve wanted and I know with our personalities and what we can do it’s something that will happen this year. We both know nothing can stop us and know we can do it. We’re hard working and push each to not only be better but also do better. 

[tuesday-tea-time]

It’s crazy how fast things in life can change. One minute we’re dealing with whatever struggle then the next something great happens.

I ended a terrible relationship where I was being controlled by someone else. I had to do things on their terms and make things work for them. It wasn’t what I wanted to do, who I wanted to hang out with or when I wanted to do things. It was on his terms and he made the decisions about everything. I cried multiple times, was put in situations where I was leaving my friends to please him.

I know it’s cliche but 2019 is a new year and make new decisions. I ended things with him and before the end of 2018, I met someone who honestly makes me the happiest I’ve ever been. He treats me well and better than anyone else ever has. I tell everyone that it’s terrible to say that, but it’s true. He deals with my work schedule, gives me affection in front of his friends and makes sure that I’m happy.

With every relationship we did have our argument but this is someone who makes me happy and I wanted to fight to keep this to work. I don’t think I’ve ever fallen for someone so different than me but it might be true that opposites attract. I tell him all the time that i like him because he makes the happy. He makes me someone better and who I want to be.

I’ve said for a few months now that when I find my person I’d calm down. I’m a tad bit of a guy and like to keep my options open and when in doubt I got a backup plan. This guy makes me want to calm down. He’s so great to me I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want him to leave my life. I can’t say he’s someone I’d marry but he’s someone that truly makes me happy and someone that I want to invest 110% into. He wants me to be the best I can be and I want the same for him.

The minute I knew that he was the person for me is when I told him what my ex told me. “You’re just a pretty face” never sank in until his reaction to it. I obviously knew that it was insulting but with my personality I brushed it off. I didn’t think twice and just put it behind me. My ex didn’t really give too much of a damn about it. I told my guy now and his response really made me realize how disrespectful and shitty that comment is. I know I have my moments of being shitty but I know I’m more than that. When my guy now had his response it really hit home and made me realize the kind of person he is.

I want 2019 to be full of adventures with him, flowers from anyone and to make the best memories I can. 2018 sucked for everyone but I’m determined to kill 2019 and make it the absolute best I can.

[tuesday-tea-time]

I think we all have something in common when it comes to our fears. Past a fear of something physical we have a fear of losing who we love and losing ourself. We shouldn’t have to compromise who we are to please someone and we shouldnt have to put on a show for someone. They either love us for who we are or they aren’t worth keeping around.

When I mean losing someone we love, not necessarily a loved one, family member, or the obvious. But someone who might not know. I’ve already let go of the true “the one who got away” and I’m terrified of losing this one who could be my soulmate. I obviously don’t know, but it seems like daily I miss him, think about him, and wonder how he feels. I’m terrified to loose him, terrified to know what he feels, terrified to say the wrong thing. I’ve never had this feeling before and it scares me. I don’t know how to act and I don’t know if I’ve screwed up.

I’m not scared of much but this relationship stresses me and scares me. It’s so new and foreign I don’t know how to react and what to do

[tuesday-tea-time]

I want a fun relationship. It’s what I told myself I would have after my ex. This started fun and now I’m here. I want a relationship where do we spontaneous things on the weekend or just do something after we’re both off work, no matter how tired we are.

I want to move for this reason. I feel like I can’t get this in dallas. There’s so much I want in life and I feel so restricted in dallas. I want to be off work and go explore, go jump off a cliff, go find a random waterfall that no one knows about.

I want excitement and for some reason I’m almost complacent in dallas.

[tuesday-tea-time]

I found this channel by accident and I love what they stand for. Seek discomfort and meet new people. we’re not strangers we’re just friends we haven’t met.

In this video they try and find people to confess to their crush how they feel. I did that months ago because of this channel. I told my “the one that got away” how I felt, knowing he was with someone and my opinion wouldn’t change things. I didn’t want to go through life with a “what if?” What if he felt the same and didn’t say it to me and was waiting for me. What if he just didn’t care?...which he didn’t. But I didn’t want to live with the mystery.

Part of me wonders about the guy I have a crush on. Does he know? I know I go through phases....when drinking....I just tell of all. Maybe he knows but what if he doesn’t? Should I tell him now or should I not say because I know drunk I’ve said something similar. I want him to know and I want from to have the same feelings but I’m so awkward around him I feel like I just ruin things and if I were to life there and want to give it a chance things wouldn’t work because of how I am around him. Maybe he’s the same but I have no idea. I want to know and I want to tell him everything but I’m scared.

Watching the video wanted to give me the courage to tell him and get it off my chest. I honestly feel like I ruined it last time. I could be wrong but maybe I do have feelings and it’s making me anxious and worrisome. I don’t get this way but maybe in the long run he is my soulmate. I can’t say I disbelieve in them but I haven’t had a reason to believe. Maybe in life I’m meant to meet him and make something from this but it’s hard 3,000 miles away.

One day l’ll have the courage to tell it all and hope for the best. It just seems like the feelings aren’t mutual and it’s stressful.

[tuesday-tea-time]

Im normally one to be super open about things because I’d rather say it than regret not saying it or saying it when it’s to late. But something about this is so different. I want to tell you how I feel and what I think but I can’t. There’s almost a fear and stress about how last time went that I feel it’s very far from mutual. I tried to keep it very transparent but not something doesn’t quite seem right. I want to tell you what I think, but part of me feels like I screwed it up, like you’re agreeing because I said so and I know you can’t be rude. There’s so many plus sides about you it’s hard to fit it in without it being weird.

Maybe I’ll wake up one day and tell you. But for now I’ll do the safe route over the stress daily