Chasing the Beating of my Heart
pairing: Kuroo x gn!reader x Kenma
word count: 5.3k
summary: You first happened to become friends with Kuroo through a college group project, and of course you start to develop a sort of crush on him. You think it's all over when you find out he has a boyfriend, but then you become friends with him too, and it all gets much more complicated
a/n: there were some particular kenma x transguy/transmasc reader x kuroo fics on here that inspired me but i can't find them now. if anyone knows of some feel free to comment or send asks about them, i'd love to rb
You and Kuroo happened to meet in a Botany class you both took on a whim since it was near other classes you were taking. You sat down in the first open spot you saw, and he was late so one of the last seats open that day happened to be right next to you. Then you got randomly selected to be together in a group project.
A group project that turned out to be a nightmare and mostly a duo project between you two. You bonded that way. Through many late nights and complaining about your slacking and absent group mates when you took breaks.
At that point in college you hadn't kept in contact with much of anyone if you had only taken one class together, you needed more exposure than that. Kuroo knew everyone, as you would come to learn. And he was persistent when it came to you. Constantly inviting you out and over to do things together, even if you didn't necessarily need to. Then it became clear that he really wanted you to stay when you were able to meet his old high school friends and volleyball teammates. You never hesitated when it came to him either, to be fair, you always took the offers he handed you.
Technically, the first time you met Kenma was over a phone call.
It was Friday and you were having a movie marathon of some stupid series that Kuroo claimed one of his friends recommended as a funny time. Kuroo was in the kitchen rummaging through his barren college boy cupboards for enough snacks that you wouldn't have to bother getting up.
You could hear his phone ring, and how quickly he picked up for whoever was on the line. On the couch, you were scrolling, not paying any type of attention to what Kuroo was saying. However, you couldn't help but tune in when you heard your name being mentioned. Seconds later nothing else came up and you were able to tune back out and go back to mindlessly waiting and passing the time.
Until Kuroo yelled, and walked into the room to you, holding his phone out. You raised an eyebrow and looked between Kuroo and his phone a few times.
"Someone wants to talk to you. He's not gonna be mean to you, it's fine." Kuroo said, really not explaining anything.
"Well, I don't think he should promising that just yet." A smooth, low voice said as you held the phone to your ear.
"Hello?" You asked.
The voice on the other end of the line just sharply responded with your name and you wished you could do the same, lacking all the context you wanted to have.
"Why is Kuroo promising you're not gonna be mean to me? I don't know you, you don't know me."
"He hasn't mentioned me at all? Oh my god, Kuroo." The mysterious phone voice sighed. "I'm his boyfriend and one of his high school volleyball teammates."
Looking at Kuroo, you suddenly imagined this mysterious guy as someone also equally tall and buff and could probably break you in half if he had a problem with you. You didn't know another other volleyball players, as far as you knew, but you could imagine the general sports guy body as needing all that muscle and strength.
"Kuroo has a boyfriend? I think he should worry about you going for him now, not me."
"You're right about that. I guess that idiot needs me for a reason, cause he's certainly not the brain in any relationship. Give the phone back."
You looked at Kuroo from the corner of your eye and he's certainly nervous but trying to hide it, very poorly. Pulling at a hangnail, picking at some random spot on his skin. You wonder how this happened and why, but that's only for Kuroo, and now Kenma to know, you suppose. You start to hand the phone over, and Kuroo looks at you, but you hastily pull it back to your ear.
"Wait! What's your name?" You can't help asking, wanting to know, for some inexplicable reason.
"Kozume Kenma."
You turn the name over in your mind. It sounds familiar for some reason, but you know you didn't go to the same school as Kuroo in high school, both of you having moved from opposite directions towards the university.
Now, you actually handed the phone back over, but it's just a short goodbye between the two that promises more to come later.
"Uh, sorry about that? I didn't expect Kenma to call me right now. I don't even know what he wanted, he didn't say anything." Kuroo apologizes, somehow just about as confused as you are about the whole thing.
"Oh, no! It's fine, just didn't expect it. I didn't think he'd want to talk to me. It was weird that he was being so, like, scary, I guess. Like he needs to intimidate me, yknow?" You said quietly.
Kuroo softened his posture, staring at you with a half smile.
"Don't worry about it. If you ever meet him in person, you'll see that he's just sort of weird. He's younger than me but he's always protected my feelings, even if he pretends not to. He played volleyball in high school just because I wanted him to. He enjoyed it by the end though, so I was happy."
Kuroo smile grew, presumably remembering those times between them, and you couldn't help but do the same, even if you had a little twinge in your chest. Their relationship was endearing, and you could see how much they cared, and you wanted something like that for yourself one day. Instead, you could quietly be a little envious, wanting.
The first time you met Kenma was during a week long break where you had no one to go home to, all gone on their own trips out in the world at the same time. You had told Kuroo about it when he asked where you were going. He had told you that Kenma was coming down for a while, having taken some time off work, and that they could come hang out for a while. You brushed it off, telling Kuroo not to go out of his way like that and drag his boyfriend along too.
Kuroo shook his head and used his height to pat your head, saying it wouldn't be a problem for either of them. Adding that they might not stay long but someone had to make sure you wouldn't get lonely. You huffed but couldn't find it in yourself to protest, which made Kuroo grin, probably thinking that he won.
Later that week, there was the half expected text from Kuroo saying that they'd be there in 15. Half expected, because even after everything Kuroo said, you weren't sure if they'd actually show up or not. Then an actual knock 15 minutes later. Surprisingly punctual, since Kuroo was at least a few minutes late all the time, to anything. It seemed Kozume might be the only person to actually keep Kuroo on track.
Rushing to answer the door, you fumbled with the lock a little when your hands shook. You hadn't really spoken with Kozume after that phone call, mostly it was just short greetings whenever Kuroo was talking to him.
When you did open the door and someone oddly familiar, and short, was there you were thrown off a little. Still, you had to do your best not to let some weird deja vu make a bad impression.
"Hey, you're actually here! I've got the kettle boiling, what's your poison?" You turned back and tried to give an easy grin, hoping you were coming across well.
Kozume just blinked at you for a moment before quietly saying, "hot chocolate."
You were a little caught off guard by his relative quiet against how aggressive he was on the phone, but you weren't about to complain about having someone not be rude to your face. Maybe he'd get back to that anyways if he got comfortable, so you'd take it while you had it.
Kuroo breezed past without even looking at the options you had, and you rolled your eyes at him. "You know what I like! Give me what you think is best."
"You guys can go sit down, by the way. No point standing here watching me." You gestured towards your living room, and Kuroo gladly took the opportunity, swinging an arm over his boyfriend's shoulders and moving away.
As soon as they weren't looking at you, you sighed quietly and let your shoulders fall. Making a good first impression in your own home was hard, but Kuroo was his usual self, annoying as he was, which must be a good thing.
It was fine, it really did end up being quite fun, even. Kozume took a little while to talk more and open up, so you mostly focused on talking to Kuroo, not wanting to force conversation that no one was ready for. Good for you, Kuroo did a lot of work including Kozume, and revealing things about the guy that he wouldn't have done himself.
The conversation strayed to what yours and Kuroo's future plans where, since from what Kuroo said, Kozume seemed to have a well-established job of some kind already. When you were able to get around to ask, Kuroo took the chance to jump in and brag about his boyfriend's job.
"He's a gaming streamer! He's gonna start his own company for it before he even graduates, my genius."
It was adorable to an almost insane degree how passionate Kuroo was about his boyfriend's job, but you had to admit it was founded. Being popular enough as a streamer to start your own company for it wasn't too common, even these days. You looked at Kozume, wondering how someone so quiet managed to stream and be so successful, which was when you realized.
"You're Kodzuken!" You exclaimed, almost spilling your drink when you leaned over.
Kozume's head whipped up and his eyes widened as he stared at you.
"Oh god, I'm not-" you stuttered, trying to clarify. "I'm not really a fan or anything. But some of my friends are? So they, like, put on your stream when we study together and stuff."
In attempting to make clear that you weren't a weird super fan, it seemed to you that you may have made it seem like the exact opposite instead. Kozume seemed to take the explanation fine, but it felt like he was eyeing you a little more suspiciously now, and you cursed yourself for running your mouth without thinking of the consequences.
"Good to know I have real fans, I guess. Not just a bunch of bots." Kozume quipped, and you couldn't help but snort into your mug.
The rest of the afternoon was quite fine, and you even began to get along with Kozume as he was talking more. By the end, it was getting dark, and you caught yourself thinking he was cute for a minute as he went on a rant about something Kuroo set him off about. You had to stop that thought in its tracks very quickly, because his boyfriend and your friend was laughing along adoringly.
They had to leave eventually, a sweet little restaurant dinner reserved after being away from each other for so long. It was a little sudden since none of you were paying attention to the time, and they apologized for having to leave so quickly, but you couldn't have kept them after that.
Your apartment felt horridly empty when they left, their voices long faded down the hallway. Your roommate had left that morning, so you were truly alone in the apartment for the forseeable future. Turning back into your living room, there was all the evidence that they had been there. Cleanliness be damned, you let it all stay, not wanting to let go of the evidence of their company so soon.
Denial is not a sustainable way to live. If you know about your feelings, if you really feel them, they will come to your mind and make you aware of them. You held onto the denial as long as reasonably possible, but there still came a day where you couldn't anymore.
You met Kenma, he told you to call him that eventually, time and time again after that. At first infrequently, but then you were with them for almost as long as the time set just for them.
Despite the commonality of your third wheeling, they never let you feel truly left out. It was like you were just three friends hanging out, so long as you didn't look at them holding hands, or edited the goodbye kisses from your memory. Okay, there were some undeniable moments, but other than that you weren't bothered. They turned to you on most decisions anyways, letting you pick where to go or what to do when there wasn't something planned.
It was after about a year with all of you as friends that you found it impossible to ignore. There was no vague longing for affection with someone out there, you wanted them, to hold their hands. The worst part was that it was both of them, so there was no escape and neither of them to talk to about it. In the beginning, you could hold their gazes with control and calm, but by the spring you would make eye contact with one, and then the other when you tried to look away.
It didn't help much that Kuroo and Kenma only became more comfortable as a couple around you. More and more affectionate when you knew that Kenma was generally uncomfortable with PDA. Around you, that didn't seem to apply.
You tried to be discreet and kind by not staring too much, but it made your heart ache. You wanted to be held by Kenma, for Kuroo to put his arm around your waist and hold you close.
Who knew what a simple group project would eventually lead you to?
There was always going to be a breaking point, there was just the question of how much weight you could take.
It was mid fighting game round, and Kuroo was out of lives already, so it was just you vs Kenma vs the hard level computer. The bot was more of an annoyance to you both, but it was kind of funny sometimes, so you came to an unspoken agreement to leave it and focus on each other.
You glanced over for a split second as Kuroo stood and kissed Kenma on the head, sweetly making sure he was out of the way before going to grab something from his room. Apparently, your gaze might have lingered a little longer than you thought, as you looked back and your character blindly ran off the edge you had easily avoided before.
Kenma surprised you by pausing the game as your character respawned. Your gaze was pulled to him, but he was already looking at you with his sharp, cat-like eyes. When they talked about their Nekoma volleyball days, it was clear that Kenma was the team's core, even if he didn't really want to be and didn't even like basketball all that much. He was the eyes and the brain of the tea, observing and developing a strategy to deceive and exploit the other team's weaknesses.
Now, all that calculation was turned to you, and you weren't sure what you'd do if he figured you out like he had done with all those opponents. The stakes were different for you now, because a lost game and a lost friendship could not be compared. You weren't sure if Kenma was waiting for you to say something as he just stared and you shifted uncomfortably. If he wanted to you could wait until Kuroo returned.
"How many times are you gonna watch us before you admit you want it?" Kenma said, quietly, and you almost didn't hear him past your heart pounding in your ears.
The rushing only got faster, louder, after he spoke. Your eyes locked onto something insignificant speck on the wall.
"What?" You finally squeaked out.
That wasn't what you meant to do at all. It was meant to be a complete, coherent sentence, wondering why he'd ever say something like that. But he already knew he was right, so what were you meant to do in the face of that.
"I've waited because Kuroo wanted you to come to us first, but I see you. So, how long are you gonna watch?"
You couldn't properly parse his tone about all of this, and that almost scared you worse than anything. Was he jealous? Confused? Upset? Maybe he was perfectly clear about it all, and your own judgement was clouding the air, but you'd never know the difference.
"Um, well, you're already together and you're... like perfect together, too. I like how it is now, this is good." You gestured vaguely between the two of you, trying to encompass that the friendship would always be enough.
Playing games in the same room, laughing together, seeing them in the same room, it was good enough. Kenma sighed, leaning back and leaving his controller in his lap.
"I'm not doing the rest of this conversation without him."
The sentence hovered in the air between you, but thankfully it wasn't long before Kuroo came back around the corner. He froze at the threshold, not still locked on the game like you were supposed to, battling for your characters lives.
"So, what happened? Did you beat his ass?" Kuroo tried to joke, make a joke at his gamer boyfriend's expense, but it didn't quite land in the moment.
Kuroo hesitated a moment longer before stepping into the room and taking back his previous spot between the two of you.
"I did the thing you told me not to do." Kenma sighed, surely watching his boyfriend out of the corner of his eye.
Kuroo reacted immediately, sitting up like a spring that had just been released. You could catch the edge of his shock as he looked at Kenma, then tried to tamp it down as he turned to you. You who hadn't moved an inch other than the nervous spinning of your fingers.
"So, what do you think?"
You knew what you thought about the whole thing, what you were hoping for. What you weren't so sure about now, was what to do. Could you backtrack and deny it? There was no getting past the fact that you had implied your feelings to Kenma already. So, if they were going to leave you behind after this, you might as well go out aiming for the clouds. Still, you had to get your words together to answer. Sure, you had daydreamed about this moment before, but it never quite went like this.
"I mean, I do like you both a lot, but I know you're already together and happy. I don't need anything but this, even if I-" you cut yourself off.
It was hard to choke out that wanted it, wanted them to their faces.
"Do you know what we want?" Kenma asked.
You had assumed that you knew, and held in your feelings and stew in your own inaction. This whole conversation was confusing you. If they knew they wanted nothing more from you, then why were you still here? Unless? No, it was too much to hope for, even if you were mere centimeters from holding it. So, you shook your head.
"You."
"We want you."
They spoke simultaneously, voices blending in a way that made your head spin. Then it spun more when you caught up to what they said.
"You- huh?" You blurted out.
"We want you. We want you with us all the time." Kuroo said.
He opened his mouth again, but then closed it again and leaned back, watching you closely. You wondered what he didn't say, what more he wanted you to know.
This wasn't a joke, they weren't strange or cruel like that. It might have been a dream if it weren't so vivid and consistent. If this were a dream, Kuroo would have been holding your hand already. If this was a dream, Kenma would have his hand in your hair. This was just a normal day with your two closest friends, until it wasn't.
You opened your mouth to say something but only stuttered with your mind full of only half-baked sentences. After a few seconds you had to stop and laugh at yourself, and they both chuckled with you.
"Yeah, I don't know what to say. Like, now what?" You held your hands up helpless.
Was there a guide anywhere on what to do when your two closest friends confess to you while they are already dating?
"Well," Kuroo started, drawing the word out beyond its welcome, "you want us, we want you. So why are you still over there?"
It was a point you couldn't argue with, so you stood and let them shuffle to make a perfectly sized space for you between them. You sunk into it quickly. Before they got too close, Kuroo spoke again.
"If we do anything you don't like or it's too fast, you have to tell us. We're a little eager, but it's always more important that you're comfortable."
You shook your head, looking between them. "I've wanted this for so long, you don't even know."
Kenma laughed a little, quietly. Kuroo gently pushed your head onto Kenma's shoulder and smiled softly when he looked at you both.
"Kuroo might have you beat for time. Why do you think I was so aggressive on our first phone call?"
The memories of that call popped into your mind. These days, you didn't think too much about it, only to laugh about the contrast of Kenma trying to be scary when you knew him to be so sweet now. Well, mostly sweet, that is.
You turned your head to blink slowly at Kuroo, who can only rub the back of his neck sheepishly.
"I don't know, I was denying everything to myself at that point. I thought Kuroo was hot since the second he sat next to me. I don't remember when it turned into a full-blown crush though," You commented.
You watched and took immense satisfaction in how Kuroo's ears turned bright red when you called him hot. It was so innocent in a way that you didn't associate with such a boisterous and mischevious guy. Kenma must have been watching with you and saw his opportunity to join in.
"Yeah, he's pretty hot, isn't he? We're lucky." Kenma's voice was low and so close to your ear that it made you shiver.
You had never been this close to them before, and it was a little overwhelming in the best way possible. The shiver might have come from Kenma saying 'we' and how the single word sunk into your skin. You watched Kuroo turn even redder, glaring in the most half-hearted way possible.
"If I'm so hot, then someone should kiss me," Kuroo baited.
Kenma nudged you, and you hesitated, biting your lip. Daydreaming about this a thousand times would never compare to the real thing. Kuroo saw you pause and took your head. His other hand came up to rest on your cheek, both a welcome, calming presence.
"You don't have to do anything you're not ready for," Kuroo mumured, staring at you leaning into his hand with so much care.
You shook your head then shifted closer to him. It was your plan to sit there very nicely and wait for Kuroo to initiate, but realized halfway through that he wasn't going to do that. Instead, you huffed and pushed yourself towards him. It turned out to be a little too aggressive as your lips crashed together, but Kuroo caught you by the waist and steadied you.
It was slow, and so sweet. The first time you pulled away you could feel the way Kuroo held back.
"Come on," you whined at him.
Kuroo shook his head and smiled, but took the hint. He pulled you back towards him and made you gasp. It didn't go too much longer though, as Kuroo pushed you back up and turned towards Kenma. Your heart warmed with how attuned they were to each other, unable to forget the other was there like you had done.
"You know, I thought I'd be more jealous Kuroo got you first, but that was hot." Kenma didn't hesitate, didn't mince his words.
You had a feeling that that fact would have quite the effect on you later. To be honest, it was having quite the effect on you now. It made you shy to remember that he must have been watching. You ducked your head down, hiding in Kuroo's shoulder, but it only made you more aware that both men were looking at you as they chuckled at you softly.
"Come on, angel face. Don't keep Ken waiting for too long." Kuroo nudged you, and you dramatically pushed yourself in the other direction.
The movement surprised both of them, but Kuroo followed through and acted as if he did and Kenma caught you by the shoulder. You looked at Kenma and smiled, causing him to soften a little, even if he didn't show it.
"Hi, baby," you said to him, wanting to try out the term for the youngest of you.
It visibly caught Kenma off guard, and he blushed harder than you thought he could, even while not reacting much otherwise. You knew Kenma could blush, it was an involuntary, physical reaction after all. It just seemed so at odds with how composed he was, that it didn't seem likely to happen.
"Ooooh, he doesn't react like that when I call him baby," Kuroo purred.
Kenma glared, but the blush on his face only deepened from being called out. It felt like physical proof that they really did like you, despite the fact that you had been kissing Kuroo not two minutes ago. Speaking of. You sat yourself up properly, putting your hands on Kenma's shoulders before leaning in. You did it it slowly to give him plenty of time to back out or call it off, but when he didn't you collided.
Kuroo was a little more openly eager, but you could feel Kenma's interest. You could feel it in how his hand landed on your thigh and then how his fingers curled when you pressed closer to him. It made you want to keep pushing to see what kind of reactions you could pull out of him.
Tragically, it couldn't last forever and you had to pull away, both you and Kenma breathing more heavily than you had expected to.
"I'd be a little jealous if that wasn't the best thing I've seen in a while," Kuroo quipped, cheekily smirking.
Kenma threw a glare his way, or tried to anyways, but it only made Kuroo laugh since he looked like a flushing pile of goo.
"You've gotten plenty of turns with Kenma!" You pout at Kuroo who just looks at you fondly.
"Sure, with him. But now we have to share our turns with you."
Your lips parted, forgetting once more that this was all new to all you. Kuroo watches the gears turn as you lean towards him again. You're a little breathless, no privilege of athlete's lungs for you, so you temporarily settle for playing with his hair. Well, you start playing with his hair, but your eyes start to wander first and then your hands follow soon after. Kuroo is going to be the last one to complain about this, and Kenma has probably begun to realize how good it'll be for him to have someone to share Kuroo's attention.
Your hands wander slowly, down down down. It starts at his shoulders, only briefly passing over his chest and stomach, which probably tells Kuroo that you're actually paying attention. Then to his arms where you spend the most amount of time, squishing and pulling in a way that's almost ticklish, before you stop and take hold of his hands.
Kuroo happily lets you do it all, simply interested in watching what you'll do next. Once it's clear that you plan to stop at his hands, he speaks up.
"You can keep going, sweetheart. It's yours to touch now."
Kenma scoffs at the blatant flirting that Kuroo is finally free to engage in, but you fall for it wholeheartedly. It's what you've wanted for so long, so you don't think you can really be blamed for taking it in. You have to shake your head at his words, since you're not nearly bold enough for more of what he's implying. Thankfully, Kuroo takes the message and lets you hold his hands as long as you please.
"Let's start somewhere else then. As your new boyfriend, you have been automatically upgraded to calling me Tetsurou now!"
Sure, you'd been close with Kuroo the whole time, but you hadn't thought it'd really be the closeness to go with given name. That didn't mean you hadn't thought about it or wanted it, enough to almost slip up before.
"Tetsurou. Since when were you officially my boyfriend?" You tilt your head at him, a teasing smile creeping over your lips.
That gets Kenma to look up from the phone game he was half-heartedly playing and laugh wholeheartedly while Kuroo momentarily freezes in shock. Kuroo begins to sputter, trying to protest and explain at the same, to minimal effect, other than entertainment to you and Kenma. Eventually, he stops and begins whining about how mean you are to him, so you take pity on him.
"Will you be my boyfriend, Tetsurou?"
The second you open your lips, Kuroo closes his, and it's sweet. You're sure he's picked up the habit from listening closely to Kenma for a long time now.
"Only if you'll be mine." He shoots back.
You roll your eyes, caught between entertaining the nonsense and, jokingly, hating it.
"Just kiss, you nerds," Kenma deadpans, not even looking up from the game he went back to.
You assumed he wasn't paying that much attention, far too used to tuning out his surroundings in public.
"Do you wanna be my boyfriend, Kenma?" You observed him with a wide grin, temporarily distracted from Tetsurou.
You swear you see a little spark in his eyes, maybe even a quirk of his lips, but it's gone before you can tell properly. It might be because of how Tetsurou is immediately set off, and you're sure Kenma saw it coming.
"Why does he get to you first!! I knew you first, he shouldn't get to," Tetsurou protests his case very passionately, so much so that Kenma pulls his phone down to watch the two of you descend into playful slap fighting.
"Tetsu, I did ask you first, you were just rude and didn't answer properly!" You're laughing as you say it, trying to swat him away from you.
The unintended use of the nickname stops Tetsurou in his tracks, and when you catch up to your own words it makes you clamp your mouth shut. It turns out you have nothing to worry about, since the nickname makes Tetsurou ignore any wrongs and pull you close. You breathe in sharply with the movement and tense up, but you relax and start giggling again when he kisses your head dramatically and then all over your face.
It tickles in an odd sort of way, and you squirm in place, trying to stay still until Kuroo gives in and stops. Once he does, you feel breathless. If you had told yourself 20 minutes ago what was coming, there was no way you could have hoped that it would feel so good and right. But here you were.
You leaned forward onto Kuroo's shoulder, but stuck one hand back. It took a second, probably rolling his eyes, but Kenma still took your hand. You smiled with the peacefulness of it all. That consuming ache had finally transformed.
