Stolen idea? neeeevvveerrrr
Well I guess I can steal this and do it myself. I don’t know if you’ll call this sad or not but here goes.
I was raised by a mentally ill father, he’s had brain surgery and didn’t know much right from wrong, I sat back as he abused my older brother, which made my brother lash out towards me. Or try and protect me, I was confused at the time but I see this now. For 6 years of my life I lived like this, jumping school, until we took a drastic jump to a different state. This caused court issues between him and my Mom, we told our story to the court, Mom was immediately appointed legal guardian Dad had no say in the matter. We stay with her, I, Overweight at the time. And getting ridiculed by the kids at school for the longest time. I try to do as many sports as possible to lose the weight, I just wanted the name calling to stop, Football, Wrestling and Baseball. I stuck with the first two. Baseball just caused more ridicule. By fourth grade I found a few friends and stayed away from the crowds of kids making fun of me when I drew near them, One of them I found particularly nice and out going. She was nice to everyone, even kids she hurt. I tried to get close to her since she was the only person I could talk to. I ended growing a small crush for her, it seemed like nothing to me but it blossomed fast. Sixth grade came a long and I lost a ton of the weight,the name calling stopped but the friendships didn’t change. I stayed with this girl, she was the only one I wanted. I hid my feelings, scared she’d reject me. Shy. I thought I was to attached to her so I branched off, joined the ‘popular’ group in seventh grade, worst decision ever. Nearing the end of seventh grade I went back to her, I climbed back to her ‘bestfriend’ level within a month or two. One of those I had used her bestfriend to get back to being close to her. I feel bad for using her like that but I couldn’t be without her, she was my world. I leave to go and see my Dad over summer and every day was Hell. I finally get back, and that friend I used I feel sorry for and become friends with to make amends with myself. But I finally get a chance to talk to the girl of my dreams, I try to ask her out. But I chicken out and I use sports as my breakthrough. I told myself, if we won our first game. That was a sign that we were destine to be together. Well that kicked me in the ass when game time came around. We win, with flying colors. I finally ask her out, after getting coaxed to by friends. It’s been almost five months since that day and I’ve had no regrets of doing that. She’s my true love, and everything done before was worth it. I love my life now, I wouldn’t trade it for anyone. Or anything.
Basically, no matter where you came from, everything gets better, just give it time.
The following year after this story I would get cheated on over 5 times by the same girl I stuck with. Would eventually be drawn into a new relationship that would lead me to sneaking. Out of my house with friends and after eventually getting caught, never being allowed to leave my mothers house. Sports would suffer this year and would lead to me eventually not going back to them the next year. I started to do theatre and drama and decided specifically on my career path. Overly happy and now 15 I get a lead role in my schools musical but also start to rebel again and steal from stores which should’ve led to my then girlfriend to leave me but she didn’t and I respect the loyalty to someone who didn’t deserve it back then. I was a bad person to her and I very much regret what all I did to her even if I tried to make it better. This school year would end and I’d leave for my dads without my brother and it would be great, my relationship with my dad would grow at this point and I’m so glad it did. The upcoming year i would finish my last year of football and not wrestle again. Nothing too exciting happens, I turn 16 and get my license. Weight gain starts but it’s summer now and I get to spend it with my dad alone and I’m so excited at my age. The upcoming year I would start at my local tech school for juniors and seniors in high school going to school for graphic commercial art was probably the best thing I’ve decided to do. The fall play would lead to me leaving my now girlfriend for the original girl I talked about. I ruined a 2.5 year relationship that was destined to end anyway. Driving to school every morning isn’t free so I would start working as soon as possible. Get fired and then start working at McDonald’s at the ripe age of 17. Everything was going great except I was currently getting cheated on again. Anyway this would lead to the end of the school year, I’d see my dad a lot less this year since work and I’d cry for the first time in a while over this. The next school year would come and everything would seem fine. Until that December I’d get broken up with, have sex with my best friend at the time and then get right back with my ex for another uneventful 6 months. Now graduated I move out of my moms house and in with the girl who used to make me more than happy. I’d start working as management for Wendy’s and gain another 30 pounds. Start college and drop out with a measly $1700 debt. Quit Wendy’s and do graphic design under the table for about 9 months until I start working from home and take advantage of my free time to get a second job as a cook. And move into a new place with friends and my current girlfriend and everything was going great, I was able to spend money on furniture upgrade and nice things until she broke up with me. For what happened two years before this point. And everything really sucked. I’ve been home alone, ignored and not had much communication. There are few girls that had talked to me and one that seems to care but In the end there’s seems to be less hope for me to be happy with where I am right now. This is the current. Single living with friends who work second shift as I work first. Trying to live day by day.
But this story isn’t for everyone to know things get better this story is now for me. I know what I’ve grown up with and I love that I had kept this bit of a record. I have an amazing relationship with my dad as he moved back to town. I don’t talk much to my mom. I have few friends I do see but they’re the best and I’m silently wait for my ex to move out and hopefully get her life started. I want to find my peace and date someone I know nothing about. But until then. I hope I remember to look back on this and re read it 5 years later and add onto it.
A lot had happened since this post so let me try to reconnect the memories.
My ex would start dating an extroverted racist with a trigger finger that I would be pressured to live with by my roommates. This leads to me moving back in to my mother's house after my brother left her with bills to pay and nobody to pay them. I'd sleep the next 6 months away. Losing weight the whole time obviously not consciously. Working as a line cook and begging girls to give me attention the whole time. I had a small stint in an office gig paying more money than I'd ever made but all of it would go to waste as my mom had lied about the cost of living in her house. No money to eat only enough for gas to work I'd sleep the rest of the time away. The next February I'd meet a girl who decided to stick around even while I struggled. At the same time I started the process of joining the military and accidentally getting a dog. After a few arguments with my mom I'd couch hop until I got into an apartment, I'd only stay there two months until they found out about my dog and try to evict me. Legally they fucked up and we called a truce where I left with no eviction and I didn't sue them for throwing away my things. This led to more couch surfing until I would enlist in the military. During boot camp everyone sends you letters, except I only got letters from my girlfriend at the time. Who I left in limbo when I enlisted for her own good, I wasn't and still am not mentally healthy so I thought I'd do her a favor and leave. We talked everyday in bootcamp, I realized i was better with her than without and soon after graduation I'd propose. Surprise, I did the military thing and got married asap. This year wouldnt go as planned though, the world came to a stop with quarantine. Everything closed and I was locked on base with no visitors for 9 months. During the nine months I went to more school tried to work on myself and fail, but successfully got married online, 21st century right. Well I'd go to another state for more schooling afterwards with so much more freedom. My wife would visit me often and we would stay in AirBNBs from loft apartments to small boats docked at a port. I'd graduate this second school top of my class and get sent to Florida for my final orders, this came with a slew of more schools that would send me across the country and back right after finding out my wife was pregnant. Almost like clockwork she would give birth a mere few weeks before I ended up on a ship. Luckily my son is perfect, and I got to take a month off to be with him. After that though work would be great, I showed what I was worth to the command and that I could do great things, the holiday season would turn around fast and my mental health would plummet. I've had terrible thoughts and I almost acted on them after working 60 hours over the new year week. I'd see a therapist and a psychologist quickly after that where my doctor looked at me and asked if I still wanted to be in the military. Immediately I said no, and the ball got rolling. The ship would workup for deployment and I'd get paperwork started to separate early, honorably. Before I wrap this up let me update a few things.
the original girl of this post is dead to me, and a pitiful excuse of a person if I can lend my own opinion on my post. The best friend from years ago went with her. I don't speak to my mother at all and my father is distant. My family is who I see everyday and I silently thank my wife, the love of my life, everyday for standing by me through tears, pain and therapy. Ive been diagnosed with Systemic Depression and ive been talking to a wonderful therapist about why. This journal is a reality check that what I have memories of has actually happened. Obviously this is just surface level that I want to share but I'm glad I'm still doing it a decade later. A couple things to add, I've added a cat and another dog to the family, old boy is still kicking with a thousand skin issues. I've gained weight but I'm working on it, slowly. I'm happier now than I was at my last entry.
To wrap things up for the current, I'm waiting for paperwork to come back to separate. The ship is on deployment so my work load is light right now, I spend a lot of time with my boy and as stressed as I can get, there's no better feeling than holding him.
