We all have things we wish we could change about ourselves. Whether it's to be a better person who empathizes more with others, or just to curb that shopping addiction a little bit. It's human nature to strive for an ideal; that self portrait of perfection, molded by personal and societal expectations, that we hang in our mind's eye. As helpful as that picture can be to better ourselves, often it manifests itself in a negative way. We can become insecure about things that are very difficult to change about ourselves, or things we cannot change at all.
As Dominant and caregiver to My submissive and little, I am responsible for maintaining a sense of safety and steadiness in our relationship; making sure she is heard, cared for, and disciplined. But that is not all we are. We are also partners in a committed, loving relationship. Like most, I need to be able to confide in my partner about stresses, anxieties, and insecurities. Sometimes I just need to be told everything will be alright. Despite these needs, I often wish I could be an unwavering pillar of strength and security, standing stoically through all of life's trials and tribulations for My girl to grab onto. But that's not who I am.
Navigating this emotional terrain has always been precarious for Me. As a boy, I was taught that showing certain emotions was a sign of weakness. It made you a pussy or a wimp. As a man, I've been called a drama queen, or that I need to grow a pair, toughen-up, or chill out. This penchant our society has for assigning gender and strength-specific derogatories to emotional expression has absolutely affected Me and is responsible for the lion's share of My desire to shut that part of Me off like a light switch. Everything would be so much easier, I think to Myself, if My feelings never got hurt, or if I didn't need that reassurance, or if I could just "get over it". Because I've been conditioned to interpret these thoughts and emotions as a burden to others. Flaws to be hidden until you stop feeling them.
As a Dominant, that can be a hard pill to swallow. When I open up to My girl and share these feelings, I'm showing her that I'm not always in control or confident, that I don't always have everything figured out, and that I struggle and falter with things in my life. I wonder how she will still respect Me and My leadership the same afterwards. Will she be just a little more unsteady kneeling at My feet?
On their foundations, these are insecurities I've grappled with for a long time. Through lots of reflection and meditation, I've been able to work through the worst of it. Occasionally, they can still rear their ugly heads. It's times like those that I ask myself what we would have if we stripped away the ropes and gags, the spankings and the smeared mascara. I need to remind myself that My girl doesn't kneel for Me because I'm some kinky omniscient demigod. It's not because I have an impressive job or wear nice clothes, or drive an expensive car. She trusts and kneels for Me because she knows I need to take care of her. To guide her in her life whenever I can. Because I have found in her a person for whom I am standing with My arms open, daring her to give Me all she's fucking got. Because I want all of My girl. Every nook and cranny. She's not going to scare Me away. The best way to show her that is to lead by example. I cannot ask for all of her while at the same time locking a part of Me away that I don't enjoy shining a light on. So I tell Myself it's okay to need help sometimes. To need that reassurance. To cry and be weak. For her to help guide Me.
But man is it still fucking hard. And that's okay.
So to those of you out there who need to hear this, especially all you Dominants and caregivers;
You deserve and should expect the same level of understanding, safety, and support that you extend to others / those under your care.
All of your emotions, feelings and opinions are valid and deserve to be expressed.
Expressing these emotions are not a sign of weakness. It is healthy, and a sign of strength and courage.
You are not burdening others by expressing what you truly feel inside, even if these things may seen inconvenient to others.
If the people you choose to confide in are invalidating your emotions or reacting to your vulnerability with something other than support, understanding, and acceptance, please take a step back and evaluate the situation and the people you surround yourself with.
izzy806
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blakekathryn
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