Turgid Verse

Because sometimes you hafta write some turgid verse. 

[turgidverse]

25 April 2017

Wow lots of changes.

I am no longer dangerously anemic. This past Christmas my blood test showed hemoglobin at 62 and ferritin at 3. Not sure how I wasn’t in a coma. But no, I was still biking to work, jogging, spinning, working full days, walking my dog. NO IDEA HOW.

But now I’ve had 2 months of IV iron treatments and i take iron daily and I’m better now.

I’m over the ridiculous crush I had.

I’m quite happy with my boyfriend.

BUT I’M VERY HAPPY LIVING ALONE. I don’t want that to change for a long time. Of all the luxuries I have cut out, paying to live alone is not one I am willing to cut out.

And I’ve been painting and drawing so much lately. I need to work at this. More, more, more more. How to commit the time, the energy, to painting weekly, on top of work and rugby and social life?

I think social life is the thing that needs to be reduced, in favour of more time for art. Rugby provides a kind of social life, so that’ll have to do for now.

And I’m financially planning my future: saving aggressively for 4 years now to top up my RRSPs within 3-4 years, build an emergency fund, and top up my TFSAs as well (tfsa may take a few more years though)

And I’m reducing my clutter, eliminating all luxury treatyoself spending, simplifying my food and cooking, and aiming to find what really matters most.

[turgidverse]

Nothing for august

I wrote nothing, not a word

Only lists of things to do

And items to buy and dates to remember

And texts that read “hey” and “I love you”

.

I wrote nothing that rhymed

Nor anything fit to read

Nor anything that anyone would care about

Except myself, indeed

 .

And yet in these non-words

I find a shining thread

Woven all throughout: my days, my nights, my daily life

All this in non-words can be read

 .

I wrote nothing:

Ikea lists, and grocery lists and “Yes, I will attend”

And photo captions, texts to Mum and Joe, notes to self, recipes,

And messages to friends

 .

In these nothings, all I have done and lived and seen

And everything, wonderful and precious, which has been.

.....................................

e.l.

12 September 2016

[turgidverse]

Home

I want to go home

I’ve been here so long, and I need my home

Home to my west-facing window and its shifting hues and skies

Home to warm lamplight and colours

Home to the quiet of an audiobook, painting rich scenes and characters, just for me

Home to my handiwork, complete and in progress

.

I need to go home

I lack discipline today, and I want to  go home

Home to my little Daisy Dog, wagging with her golden tail and sniffing with her wetblack nose

Home to a fragrant roast in the oven

Home to my space which is mine and where all things are as they should be

Home where I am at home

......................................

e.l.

12 September 2016

[turgidverse]

Deleted

Deleted .................. I've done it, I think I must have done it It's gone, it's gone; All his words, our long conversation Gone from my phone Once I believed I'd never forget him Would keep forever The words we wrote to one another July till September Once I tried to do it, but could not Was too afraid To break that chain, my one last link to him; My hand I stayed. But I guess I must have done it, finally And no big deal; I don't miss reading them at all! The wounds have healed. The funny part is that I forget I don't recall Touching the button, erasing his words: "Delete all" ............... e.l. 6 July 2016

[turgidverse]

Untitled

I think about this every day:

Are your drinking your life away?

And I wonder what I can possibly say

that might help you

  I read about this stuff online

In forums and ebooks when I have time,

And some of the stories sound like mine

When I’m with you.

  I know you’ve worked so very hard

Carefully, keeping up your guard;

Your body even bears a scar

That shows it’s true.

  But you still practice this self-harm;

And because I love you, I’m alarmed;

All I want is to be in your arms:

Can we pull through?

  You’re kind and bright and everything good:

Can you recover, get out of these woods?

Stay sober? What’s the likelihood?

I wish I knew.

....................

e.l.

27 May 2016

[turgidverse]

I love you

You’re bright and handsome and funny and kind

You’re lovely

and you have such an uncommon mind

I love you

I find it so very easy to do

Every day

All the time, more and more, I love you

…………

e.l.

10 May 2016

[turgidverse]

The first of May

The first of May ................. Now I can say it with confidence Now it's true I can think of you with indifference I'm over you It took so long, so many tears And false starts I tried to force this on myself And on my heart But the truth is only time was needed Time and space And I love a kinder, better man You've been replaced All the times I said these words In days past: It was too soon. I always broke. But now: it lasts! And I'm taking the time to notice On this day, That with the spring I'm free of you, This first of May! ................. 1 May 2016 e.l.

[turgidverse]

Confiteor

Confiteor .............. That someone should know me Know all my ways; That they would accept me And knowing, stay In my thoughts, in my words I've done much wrong; Through my fault, through my fault I don't belong That someone would love me And see right through All that I have done and Have failed to do Eyes shut tight; breath held hard; I hardly dare To ask for this or think of this. There's no one, anywhere. .................... 30 April 2016 e.l.

[turgidverse]

The usual

The usual ................ Looks like I'm writing about it again What I want from you And I can't find a scrap of paper or pen So this must do I know what I want may not be what I need All your affection And I'm fighting hard not to beg and plead For your attention But in moments of silence or when I wait Upon your call: That's when I'm weak, when I hesitate And my guard would fall. ................ 29 April 2016 e.l.

[turgidverse]

On my easel now

[turgidverse]

Would you piss off please

Would you piss off please ............... Paint-stained hands and tired legs Now I lay me down to sleep I've earned this rest Aren't I a good girl? As regular bedtime hours I keep? Good girl: why does my sleeping mind create you? Why haven't I forgotten? Your face, your high forehead And your voice Unwelcome presence, in my unaskedfor dreams begotten Fuck off, would you? Don't enter here! See your mug shot above my door: "do not serve??" Would you piss off Get out of my dreams And let me my peace preserve? .............. e.l. 22 April 2016

[turgidverse]

Dream of you and I, as we are about to die

Dream of you and I, as we are about to die ................. Winding mountain roads in a shiny rental car Through the forests of North Vermont But higher, so much higher Stratosphere high You behind the wheel, while I turn my head this way and that Views of craggy pink cliffs Rockbreaking cliffside trees struggling skyward in shadowfilled gorges We are happy We are travelling We ride smoothly under pink and blue heavens, and gold streaks of cloud Above us on a ridge walks Mama Grizzly, chivvying her two little ones along homeward with low loving grunts of her big bear voice The road we follow becomes a cliffhugging track Curling tight around the shoulders of these mountains The valley miles and miles below Vertiginous height The track seems to disappear up the mountainside into nothingness Or go on ahead Maybe We go on ahead Right off the cliff Teetering tipping over we go in our SUV Are we going to die? I ask you Yes you say, your word kind and calm The far valley floor coming up fast as our car evaporates Now it's just us, falling, falling Freefalling side by side We reach and grasp each other close Tumbling in a close embrace I have seconds to live I have nothing to lose I love you I love you too Awake ................. e.l. 17 April 2016

[turgidverse]

What do I do about New Year’s Eve?

What do I do about New Year’s Eve? When I was married, I knew. But since I’m alone, I can’t conceive Of a party that I could go to…

Who would ever invite me anywhere? And how can I go alone? And frankly the thought makes me feel so scared That I might just hide at home…

11  December 2015

[turgidverse]

First and last

First and last ………..

I was first and last; None before me, nor after, On your secret list.

You are first and last: No one like you have I known, Nor ever have missed.

You, my very first: Careless lover, gorgeous boy, Mad long weekend tryst.

But I’m not your last: There will be many others To eclipse my kiss.

You, forever first, Forever last: this knowledge I cannot resist.

And though they’re fading, Still the memories of you, First and last, persist.

e.l. 4 November 2015

[turgidverse]

Cat's paw

Cat’s paw ……………

Cat’s paw The breeze which stirs the surface Which breaks up the reflection Of the object

I saw Your effect: ripples on the surface, Kaleidoscoping the illusion Which once looked perfect

…………… e.l. 26 September 2015

[turgidverse]

hotline bling (not...)

hotline bling (not...) .............. I think I see that light brief and bright out of the corner of my eye It's just wishful thinking: when I check no messages have I. I'm tense with this waiting and what was once a sweet anticipating now makes me want to cry. ................... e.l. 31 March 2016

[turgidverse]

Street lights

Street lights Glowing incandescent yellow Flicker out, dark as night As I walk beneath their halo I wonder why They gutter and die whenever I Walk by ....... e.l. 20 March 2016