I write this with a heavy heart. My insides feel shattered, as though someone has taken my heart and smashed it a million times into a million pieces. Every time I replay what happened, a lump grows in my throat. Khayr, Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli haal.
It was time. We both finished university, secured jobs, our parents were now actively looking to find a spouse for us. The timing was perfect. Honestly, I tried putting it off for so long as I was frightened of the reaction I would get from my family, but deep down I knew I could no longer hide it from them, it was literally eating me up inside. So, we agreed on a date to come clean simultaneously.
There were some minor issues that I knew would be a problem from the very start, but of course, my mind was clouded by my lust for him. Not once did I step back and look at our relationship from an outside point of view. So I came clean anyway. I told my parents everything. Alhamdulillah, my parents took to it better than I expected. They didn’t shut me down straight away, they listened to me and explained that they were happy to look into it and that I shouldn’t get my hopes up too high.
But I did anyway, didn’t I. I was gassed that my rents even considered him, in my mind we were basically getting married. I called him straight away and told him everything, he said his rents were also keen to look into it. But him, being the sensible one, told me this is just the first step on a very, very long path.
What long path? We’re basically there. We’ve come clean, they took it well, we’re getting married! After a while, the rents agreed to meet. Apart from the fact it was THE MOST awkward time of my life, alhamdulillah it went well (or at least I thought it did).
We got home, my parents seemed quiet. They didn’t really mention anything. No-one did until after 11pm that night. My parents assumed I was sleeping, but actually, I couldn’t sleep. I had a million thoughts whizzing around in my head. So I overheard them conversing.. “They seem like a bit of an awkward family.”, “He looks too old for her, don’t you think?”, “He’s not that tall, is he?”, “Their caste back home isn’t that great.” SubhanAllah. I was hurt. They made so many negative remarks but not once did they mention how practising he was, his shyness and haya, his akhlaaq and adhaab. Were these points not worth mentioning? Are these not points that supersede any materialistic remark made about his family, his looks, wealth or status.
I was upset but I was also angry. I KNEW this guy was the one for me, perfect for me, everything I want in a person. Why did they not feel the same? Why were they doing this? I cried and cried, unable to understand why this was happening. I was so sure he was the ONE.
I didn’t sleep a wink that night. I woke up, ignored my parents because of the anger inside of me. I finally came to realise I need to speak to them. Well, I spoke to mum as I felt more comfortable with that. I explained to her that good men are hard to find, good PRACTISING men. She agreed to speak to my family again.
Weeks and months passed. Finally, both families agreed. Was this the end to that very, very long path he was telling me about? It was nowhere near (he clarified this for me once again). We were acting like we were getting married though, even though nothing had been planned. We continued messaging each other, more than previously. I think we thought that because families know about it, it was fine. It was not fine. We should never have let ourselves slip back into the hands of Shaytan.
And then one day, we received a phone call. To cut a long story short, his parents didn’t want to go ahead as they ‘didn’t feel right’. My parents didn’t argue back or ask any further questions, in all honesty, they seemed relieved. At this point, he had gone AWOL. No sign of him at all. No constant messages, it just came to an abrupt stop. He disappeared. One minute I was marrying the man I love, the next I wasn’t. I didn’t hear from him for months until I received a text message saying “I’m sorry it had to end like this, I pray you find a better spouse.”
Did he really just end a 3 year relationship with that line?
Did he really not have the guts to offer me an explanation?
Did this really just happen?!
I don’t want to go into the details because even thinking of it breaks my heart. But I will tell you that my usual, happy and cheerful self disappeared for months and months. I was diagnosed with depression. A man who was my entire life disappeared without giving me any closure. I gave everything to him, trusted him with my life and he just threw me off like that. I want to make excuses for him, maybe he had a valid excuse. Maybe its something I can’t know and won’t ever know. But after this incident, I suffered a lot - mentally.
My tears wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t speak to anyone without crying, I shut myself out from the world, my friends and my family. I prayed, cried, prayed some more and cried some more, I was broken. I tried to take comfort in prayer and Quran but I didn’t have the energy. I begged Allah to make this easy for me, I asked him to give me what was good for me. My insides were in pieces, all because of one person. Why me? What did I do? What happened? How did a love so perfect end? All these questions and I will never know the answer to any of them..