It's 8:49 AM, and a woman is touching my vulva with a q-tip.
"Rate your pain." What an impossible question.Ā
For the past 2 years, I've been living with sexual, vulvar, and pelvic pain. It is, quite honestly, tragic. It is lonely, and it is depressing. Itās an all-consuming stresser. All you have to hold onto is that itās, allegedly, not forever.Ā
I want to share my story with some people on the internet. I donāt need to share it to my immediate world -- Iām still tooĀ āin itā to feel like my grandma or friend from camp or ex from the 7th grade needs to know the inner workings of my...inner workings. But hereās the truth: if you are having any sort of sexual dysfunction, itās probably related to your pelvic floor. If youāve been having problems: getting wet/staying wet/being in the mood literally at all, ever... probably pelvic floor related. Do you feel like youāre hitting a wall whenever you have sex? Pelvic floor. Are you experience straight up debilitating burning after and during sex? Thatās.. well, thatās part of another diagnosis Iāve been given (vestibulitis (weāll chat about this later)) but also... pelvic floor related. Have people told you that, honestly, itās probably just who youāre dating; you must not be attracted to them anymore? Have you started to believe them? Honey, no. It is your goddamn pelvic floor.Ā
Now, I am not a doctor, so I really have no business speaking in absolutes like this. It could be something totally different. It could be all the scary things that come up when you google your symptoms. Hell, it could be your partner; maybe the fire is gone. Who am I to say? All I can say for sure is that none of that was true for me, and I probably would have gone on forever, absolutely hating sex and myself, if I hadnāt overheard a friend talking about her pelvic floor symptoms. I honestly didnāt even know what a pelvic floor was. Most people donāt. Yet, it is the cause of so many sexual, urinary, and even rectal ailments. So why donāt we talk about it? Why have we shamed women (and men) from getting help?Ā
I am 22, with almost no sex drive and a hell of a lot of trauma. It is depressing. But I am finally moving forward. I am finally starting to see a light.
Sexual dysfunction is lonely. It feels humiliating. It is a burden to bear. But it isnāt one you need to bear alone. Iām going to write about this, for myself and others. The first step to getting help is knowing what the fuck is going on.Ā