watched a home movie of my first birthday party on a VR headset tonight and it felt like a sledgehammer. some family that isn’t alive anymore, some that aren’t around anymore, some i don’t even remember ever meeting - after that they went back to hungary and i never saw them again. i can’t believe i have spent so long with the audacity to forget that my parents spent almost a decade trying to bring life into the world, and it was me that came out. to forget the love that greeted me into existence. i don’t think i’ve ever come so close to understanding it as watching my mom on video, age 41 with her first child finally finally finally, practically singing as she grabs more glasses for her guests “happy birthday lexis, love of my life!” and i’ve never experienced anything like watching me through my father’s eyes as i slept peacefully in my crib and the camera slowly zoomed in, the shot ending with a “goodnight, sweetheart”. i have never heard my father sound so gentle, or earnest. i think it shocked me awake somehow. i just turned 25, and i’m moving out for good in two weeks. i feel so overwhelmed and grateful for my life, and for every person in it. i feel grateful for having been born with the mind and ability that i was born with, that by the age of one i was able to blow out my candles and even, in a simple garbled way, to ask for a slice of cake. to have ever hated myself or to have hated looking in the mirror or to have ever suffered disrespect or underestimation feels now almost like an insult to everything that i was born to be - which was happy, or fulfilled, or well-rounded, or living up to my capacities, to the very best of my ability. my parents wanted so badly to bring an amazing person, multi-talented, multi-faceted, into the world, and now to feel that i must live up to these things doesn’t even feel daunting. it feels like the natural progression of life - what else could i even do besides be who i am, what could i ever do besides the things i love, where could i ever go besides the places that feel like home? i haven’t been able to stop crying, but only because i feel so overwhelmed, so deeply, with gratitude for my life. i get to experience so much love in this life, and i get to have the wherewithal to recognize it, and so many other beautiful things, while i’m here. incredible. thank god
snowghoul
germansingergirl
tangentwithtanner
titsay
pixelskylines
gracieabrams
theartofmadeline
