Day 2
June 19th. Life. I always look at my life and want to say “…fuck that mess!” but then realize I don’t really have anything else to do BUT deal with it…I’d love to throw everything in the fuck it bucket and fucking be done with it….with Lynda, school, girlfriends, bosses who think they control everything….fuck. Today in the life of Me we came to an important conclusion: that Hemingway was a fucking genius. He said “never confuse movement with action”. Never confuse someone’s apology with change. Never confuse someone asking how you are with them actually wanting to know. NEVER confuse society’s standards with whatever the fuck you want! I consider myself relatively intelligent. I pass my classes, I make witty remarks…but you don’t know how fucking fucked up you are until you fall in love. I’m only 21!!! Young as fuck. I’m madly in love with a man named Mr. A. He’s kind, smart, funny, romantic….and has a girlfriend. A ball and chain. A bitch. And no matter how amazing he is, I can’t get over him staying with her. Eats at me every day. But I don’t know if it’s out if obligation or love…..him with her. How interesting it is to not actually be in a relationship with someone and yet still feel like they owe you everything. How do you move out of that?? #fuckingfuck Anyway, today was an okay day. Full of bitterness and procrastination and personal, inward torture as usual. Pizza was yummy. And I was told I am loved deeply. Another thing to ponder….how deep is deeply? Maybe I just think too much, happens all the fucking time. Maybe school tomorrow will enlighten and liven me.
