The creator and dozens of cast and crew reveal all the inside gossip, incestuous drama and behind-the-scenes mischief of TV’s most sensation
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The creator and dozens of cast and crew reveal all the inside gossip, incestuous drama and behind-the-scenes mischief of TV’s most sensation
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A Survival Guide for Baby Vamps
OK, so you became one and there’s no turning back. The good news is that you’ll exist forever (unless someone stakes you, shoots you with wooden bullets, or drags you out in the sun while you’re asleep). You should never come out of your coffin during daytime, and you should also generally avoid the sun and anything related to it (and this includes solariums too). If you go out in the sun, you’ll begin to burn away in a very tormenting manner. The only way to endure exposure to sunlight is to consume faerie blood (which is not easy to come by). Avoid wearing or even coming into contact with anything made of silver, since it burns like hell and induces great pain, resembling a heart attack – thankfully of the kind you can survive. Stay away from Necromancers! You are now dead, and so these guys can literally twist you around their little finger. Amazing! You’ll never get sick again. You don’t breathe, and so you can’t drown in the sea, in a lake or in a pool! You shouldn’t worry about accidents either, even when a heavy truck crushes your face, because as a vampire you have self-healing capabilities, which means that your wounds will heal before you can say Jack Robinson. Also, and this goes only for girls, you’re in for a bad time if you were a virgin when you were turned a vampire. Because of self-healing, the hymen will grow back after each time you have sex, forever. You can no say goodbye to botox and dieting! Your body will stay the same, no matter how many centuries pass, which means that if you were turned a vampire when you were nine you’re also in for a bad time. If you enter into a relationship with a human, you must be mentally prepared for significant changes in your relationship in the years ahead. Your better half will start aging at some point, whereas you will never age, and he/she will eventually pass away. You can always bite him/her in good time, and live happily ever after (literally). You are now supernatural beings, you can run faster than light, and you have the muscle of Superman. As time goes by, you will become even faster and stronger. It has been noted that thousand-year-old vampires can, most of the time, still fly. Your blood is now valuable. It has tremendous healing capacities (it can even wake the dead, so to speak), as well as various side-effects, it is sold illegally to addicted users (the V-addicts) that would kill for their fix, and forges bonds between you and those who have tasted it that can only be explained by metaphysics. Bite carefully, because, aside from being illegal, if you don’t control how you bite, you run the risk of killing your victim. Socially speaking, you are a minority. Be prepared for encountering a great deal of racist behavior. And this isn’t as outrageous as it seems, come to think of it, since your species used to uncontrollably kill and eat people until very recently. But the tables are now turned, technology has advanced! Tru Blood, a Japan-made synthetic bottled blood that comes in all types, in now sold in convenience stores and bars, and so there’s no need to break the law because you are hungry or thirsty. You should also bear in mind that the sentence administered by those higher up (also known as the Authority) for eating a human is certain death (True Death) – that is, non-negotiable staking. You also have the option of opposing the Authority and joining the Sanguinista Movement. The Sanguinistas are a faction of seditious vampires who believe in vampire world domination, refusing the notion that vampires should coexist peacefully with humans and upholding a literal interpretation of the Vampire Bible (a.k.a. the Original Testament), which states that humans are nothing more than food or nourishment for vampires – in other words, they are a bunch of die-hard fundamentalists. You should better avoid getting involved in the political/religious scene because you won’t be able to make heads or tails of it and you’ll also risk your skin in the process (in any case). Welcome aboard!
Tragic Irony Is an All-Time Classic (Spoiler Alert)
What kind of story could be more tragic in a TV series like True Blood? Amidst maenads with zombie followers, addicted werewolves who get high on vampire blood, necromancers possessed by the spirits of witches that were burned during the Middle Ages, who in turn torment darling vampires and ancient psychopathic, intimidating vampire hybrids that threaten to eat everyone, the most tragic story is that of the unfair and untimely death of a common mortal cook.
Iraq war veteran Terry Bellefleur has more or less managed to overcome his post-traumatic stress disorder. Terry is a well-meaning man with beautiful eyes, who works as a cook at the neighborhood bar of his friend Sam Merlotte and is married to waitress Arlene, loving her children like his own.
The curse uttered by an Iraqi woman (an innocent local killed by Terry during the Second Gulf War) just before her death has awoken a fire demon that, like the Erinyes, will gradually begin to threaten the character’s quiet home life and activate his traumas.
Terry will try to get away from his loved ones (so that they don’t get into trouble), break the curse by killing again, and even take his own life. When all these efforts fail, Terry, seeking redemption, pays an old war buddy to kill him at an unsuspected time. Naturally, he doesn’t share his secret with anyone. Not even with his wife, who in turn, suspecting that her husband is still suicidal, enlists a vampire family friend to charm him into forgetting everything (vampires do have this ability, which is called glamoring), retaining only the fact that he is a happily married father and cook. As a result, the memory of hiring someone to kill him is erased along with his war experiences and demons, and so Terry dies a few days later, unsuspecting but happy. A bullet is what does the job, while Terry is taking out the garbage, proving that the series’ writers know how to handle age-old dramatic devices such as tragic irony, which, if properly used, as in the case of Terry Bellefleur, is much more shocking than any extreme evisceration.
Finally, XOXO (Spoiler Alert)
Gossip Girl is over! Hooray! This ordeal lasted for six years, yet many of us kept watching it through the final episode. Each week, particularly in the final seasons of the show, we saw the hopelessly shallow lives of some over-privileged kids of the New York über-elite. Intrigues, schemes and romantic scandals that mostly made no sense whatsoever – or, rather, illustrated how bored with their lives the show’s stars were (and the same thing went for us, the poor viewers). With only imperceptible changes, we were subjected to the same thing over and over again, until we eventually felt the urge to grab them by the shoulder and yell “GET A LIFE”. Serena was by far the worst of the pack: after a point she merely dragged herself from one affair to the other, episode after episode, lending a new meaning to the expression “stupid cunt”. In the end, she got back together (AGAIN!) with Dan Humphrey, who turned out to be the person behind Gossip Girl (I’m definitely going back to the first episodes to find scenes with Dan reading on his cell phone the malicious blasts about him, which were supposedly written by him – oh, come on now). My personal favorite ever was little Jenny Humphrey, who fled to London in season four (Taylor Momsen gave up acting to focus on music and her band The Pretty Reckless – a very sound decision to make). OK, maybe Chuck too. But only during his amnesia bout, when he dressed like a normal person – that is, in t-shirts and jeans. And don’t get me started on their clothes. They all ignored the seasons, the weather, and (obviously) the expression “too much”. We haven’t seen such an extravaganza since Dynasty, to say the least, but then again, the Dynasty cast members, being sixty-somethings, could get away with wearing diamond necklaces in broad daylight. But here we are talking about teenagers that wear silk bow ties even in their sleep. And speaking about sleep, could someone please explain something that has been puzzling me for the past six years? How did Rufus ever manage to sleep after all this caffeine intake?