It’s been a while since I made a post here, but in honor of Red (Taylor’s Version) and more specifically, All Too Well 10 minute version, let’s unpack some things from the song and the film. I never really attached the old version of the song to the person I’m going to write about but watching the film just triggered me and cemented the thoughts I’ve had for years.
For context, I dated a boy in high school. We were together for almost a year. I can’t say that it was all bad, I definitely had fun times with him; he did what he knew about relationships, and I was learning along with him. We were kids trying to figure it out. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t leave me heartbroken for months after we ended things, and with trauma that took years for me to even realize was there.
While having lunch with my thesis partner one time in 2019, she asked me about my past relationships. And after four years, I thought about him again. I thought about how we were before things started going bad, about the plans we had. I thought about the days before the breakup, the months following the breakup, and then finally getting away from it all. I told her about some things, kept some to myself. But after that day, it’s like a snowball was formed in my mind.
Fast forward to 2021 and I’m having a drink my two best friends from high school. He was brought up, and I talked about things I’ve never talked to someone about. Again, things that I’ve thought about again and again and again and again and again for years, were confirmed for me. I wanted to throw up after that.
But let’s talk about the parallels between All Too Well (song and film) and my relationship.
First of all, Taylor and Jake’s relationship had a power imbalance because of their age difference. While we didn’t have that kind of drama between us, I did get in the relationship with him at a time when I was very vulnerable. I also haven’t been in an actual relationship before that, and I was very innocent. I couldn’t say the same about him. As I said, during our relationship, he was doing what he already knew and I was learning with him and from him.
You tell me ‘bout your past, thinking your future was me.
We both talked about the people from our past, we both thought about our future together. But the thing is, I realize now that the future he wanted with me was not the future I wanted for myself. And I remember the conversations that went down, how I felt pressured about things concerning my own body. I remember thing “I don’t think I have a choice or a say in this, because he’s gonna do it his way anyway.” I know better now. Thank God I know better now.
And there we are again when nobody had to know; you kept me like a secret but I kept you like an oath.
Reminds me of the time we were talking and trying to fix things between us months after the breakup. How he changed his mind again, then again, then again. I remember him asking me not to tell anyone yet, how he asked for a month before we got back together. I remember telling him to fuck off, I’m done and thinking, “This is it. There’s no going back after this.” but still hoping he’d realize what was wrong and make it up to me. He never did.
Thinking about it earlier today, I knew I made the right choice when I told him to fuck off. I was loyal to him even after the breakup because I thought we’d still get back together. He wasn’t, I found out recently. He had a girl waiting for him at that time, that he was going to throw away for me. That brought up even more feelings out of me because, what? No. No, thank you.
Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece ‘til you tore it all up.
Maybe we did get in translation, but I know I wasn’t asking for too much. My love language is quality time—he didn’t give that to me. This is also my cue to tap into the film’s kitchen scene where the characters were arguing. The gaslighting in that scene was what really triggered me into writing all this, because the amount of manipulation and gaslighting that I went through in that relationship was just…too much.
It affected me for months (years, even) after ending things. I have a memory of myself sitting in my old bedroom, going over things in my head. I would ask myself, “Was it my fault?” “Did what he did (or not do, lol) really upset me, or was I just making up things to fight about so he would give me attention?” “Did I really feel what I felt, or did I rationalize myself into thinking this is how I should feel?” “Maybe he’s right, maybe it wasn’t his fault. Maybe I just wasn’t understanding enough.”
But then I remembered a conversation I had with him, and how the gaslighting was so obvious. It went a little like, I was asking him why he won’t spend time with me now that we we’re back in school. He said, (nv) “I was just giving you time to be with your friends again, I know you missed them from summer.” And I remember thinking, okay, he has a point. That’s actually sweet of him. Now though, I know he was just making excuses, and that that’s gaslighting. He made me second-guess my own hurt, he convinced me that his neglect was not real.
You call me up again, just to break me like a promise. So casually cruel in the name of being honest.
I remember the times I would feel myself go back three steps back after every interaction with him. I remember thinking I’m the only one affected by it, and how pathetic that is.
All’s well that ends well, but I’m in a new hell every time you double cross my mind.
I remember being in college, a year after the breakup, and still feeling sad about him, and us. I held on to the hope that we’ll eventually find ourselves back to each other. Until one afternoon, after such a tiring day at school, I was talking to my friend about him and after, she said, “I can tell you’re in a better place. While talking about it, your eyes were going to the right, and that’s a sign of honesty.” After that, I didn’t talk about him again. Until 2019, with my thesis partner.
Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it. I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it.
This reminds me of being in school thinking time couldn’t go faster. I just wanted to get away from it all. I thought being away from him and all the things that reminded me of him would make forgetting him and the hurt easier. I just wanted to be okay again.
Did the twin flame bruise paint you blue? Just between us, did the love affair maim you, too?
I recently found out about the concept of twin flames. I still don’t know if what I had with him would be considered a twin flame. And for the longest time, I thought the love affair did not maim him. I was wrong. I had a very long conversation with him recently and found out that he had been, in fact, maimed too.
It’s funny. I told him I thought that if we were to ever talk again, I’d have a lot to say. But during our conversation, my mind was actually quiet. He said that that was nice to know. I thought so, too. 2015 me would’ve been proud. I am proud. I know I still have issues from this relationship to work around, preferably with a therapist, but I’m glad to see how far I’ve come. I spot signs of manipulation better now, I stand my ground, and enforce boundaries. I definitely know myself better, too, so I know my worth better. I know what I’m willing to take, what my deal breakers are.
I don’t know how to end this. Stream Red (Taylor’s Version), I guess?
And to you, if you’re reading this, why?
