hey guys. hate to do this to ya, but i think im gonna do it.
will put this in the scheduled posts and delete it if i back out but it's currently june 18th and i plan on acting on my idea either the 19th or 20th depending, so if it's a crazy long time afterwards and you see this then, uh, assume i either died or am too out of it to delete it. check harrison county, wv, obits for the last name "alonso", first name starting with an "n".
sorry for this, not that i deserve to say that or deserve forgiveness for up and offing myself.
could go on forever about reasons. a lot of things led to this. financial woes, general dissatisfaction with life, lack of ambition, chronic pain, and the whole "being trans and a lesbian in a red state with unsupportive parents" where i cannot safely come out or be accepted.
if i do survive but am in a vegatative state or otherwise in some sort of permanent negative situation (ex. paraplegic), id rather not be forced to "live", especially if it involves serious brain damage. just pull the plug. i don't want to be "alive" but unable to properly comprehend the world around me, or be a major burden who will be forever incapable of independent living. i have a formal black button up and black dress pants in the closet i can be buried in. if anyone buries me in a dress/skirt or puts super feminine makeup on me, i will haunt you. id prefer to be either cremated or, if a viewing is desirable (probably gonna end up closed casket, sorry), in a very simple coffin.
im never going to be happy or not in pain. ive told myself for years i can just fake it til' I make it and all that jazz, but it just isn't happening. every other month my body finds a new way to physiologically torture me and i have to pretend it isn't happening, because if not im seen as dramatic, faking, or awkward.
im never going to be able to safely come out or be accepted. ive known this for years. my family can't even accept friends or randoms being trans, let alone me. itd be awkward and unaccepting at best.
im just very tired. im twenty three and there's so much i could do or should have done, but it's never going to happen now. ill have my gun and booze and plushie (yes, i am a child) in my car (depends — dui risk even if sober?) and i might cruise around for a bit depending on how awful my body is feeling first.
if anyone wants to post about this on my fimfiction account (samble), reddit (u/atsamble), or twt (skystairways) by like posting my death in comments or on r/deadredditors or whatever you can. the former is mostly just so people don't think i just abandoned my one in-hiatus fic, haha. i never had proper plans to finish that, and now i guess i never will. if you want to comment on my profile there and let others know they can pick it up feel free, but no one is obligated to do any of this.
thanks for sticking around with me all these years. ive been on tumblr since 2016ish and this is none of your guys' fault. ive known some of you (odie especially) for years. this isn't an issue of "oh, if i just dmed him, he wouldn't have done this". pretty much no one could have talked me out of it once i got my supplies. i promise. ive been planning this seriously on and off for over a year and it's honestly a minor miracle i even made it to january of this year, since i didn't even plan on sticking around that long. staying til' june (birthday) was a feat in and of itself.
anyways. im rambling like i always do when i get nervous and such.
i hope you guys are well, or as well as you can be. ill probably stick this in the scheduled posts for a long while from now. no point in getting everyone uppity if im fine or back out, right?
i used to be scared of dying because what if it's just nothingness, but that's better than this. maybe ill even get lucky and reincarnate as something, though i doubt ive done enough good to be reborn as anything all that cool.
see you guys on the other side someday, if there's an afterlife. be safe and be well, my friends. :]
(ps. if any obits have lines like "he lit up a room" or "he was always smiling" — not that ill be gendered correctly — they are liars. im a turbo autist who either comes off as overly polite but robotic in logic or super neurotic, no in-between. i was mid at best, had no ambition in my job or schooling, and few skills. my headstone should say something like "wikipedia connoisseur, college dropout, serial failure". anything that says cliche crap about how cool i am and how beloved i was by my community is majorly lying.)
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