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EXPECTATIONS

if i look back, i am lost
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@twd-hakyeon
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Even if I am born again I’ll only love you; you alone were my everything If I’m born again without you I’ll live waiting for another world [with you]
As long as you’re sleeping peacefully and remember me who loved you Even if we coincidentally meet in the next world [I would be satisfied] As long as it wasn’t just a passing occurrence
* I know that I can’t see you again And that that was your last breath But I’m wandering right now- You’re clearly not in this world Even so, I won’t cry anymore- You’re just in a place a little higher than me I won’t be sad anymore and I’ll just look at the sky as if it’s a habit [As if/thinking about when] you and I were together
* repeat
Even so, I won’t cry anymore When we meet in the next world, even if we [find that] we have changed I will [have] to find you**
**or ‘I will be looking for you’
- Gone - [ Hakyeon | Hyuk ]
His eyes widen and he slaps a hand over his mouth, wincing at the noise he’d just made. How could he be so stupid? Hakyeon, blind as he was, had turned his head in Sanghyuk’s direction, most definitely having heard him. Who was he kidding? He knew Hakyeon had acute hearing, had known since the days they were still friends, before Sanghyuk had tried to -
It had been for the best. Dwelling on it will bring up feelings he cannot hide, so Sanghyuk does not, pushing the memories away from his mind.
He drops to a crouch, hands shaking as he reaches for his knife. This is Hakyeon yes, but Hakyeon who no longer wants to know him, could never understand why Sanghyuk does what he does. Hakyeon makes Sanghyuk feel like a sinner, and never before has another human ever made him feel this tempted.
His heart is racing in his chest, pounding in his ears, and as he tries to stand up, he stumbles, his nerves making him clumsy, his movements sluggish and stupid. How could he let himself be so affected? He is shaking, eyes welling up with- tears?
“Hyung?”
He whispers, his voice sounding strangled, pained as he turns his head back up to look at Hakyeon.
His gaze remains fixed upon the point where the noise had come from, ears straining to hear even the tiniest sound. Perhaps he had been imagining it? That wasn’t likely, though. There was no way. Yes, he memorized voices, but he never imagined them.
It isn’t until he hears that whisper, that he finally moves. Hakyeon’s head tilts just the smallest bit to the left, and he blinks. There’s curiosity written all over his face, and confusion as he tries to recal who the voice might belong to.
And then it clicks.
“...Sanghyuk-ah...?” he murmurs, blinking again. There was no way. Not after what the kid had done...nearly killed Hakyeon, he had. The elder had had bruises around his neck for weeks afterwards. And Hakyeon still didn’t understand why. He’d run, and hid, and then he’d gone blind so that he couldn’t go and find Hyuk to figure out what on earth had been going through his head at the time. What did the boy think of him now? Most likely that Hakyeon hated him.
Hakyeon doesn’t hate him. He just wants to understand. But right now, he isn’t sure he can. The very idea of it being Hyuk...his beloved almost-little-brother, brings tears to his pale eyes.
“...Hyukkie-ah? Is that you? Answer me...please, answer me...”
- Prefer To Dream -
Hakyeon prefers to dream, these days.
With his vision gone, mostly, and just vague shadows and lights to go by, there isn’t much to do. He can mend his and Taekwoon’s clothes by touch now, which is an improvement, but he can’t read. Can’t go out into the woods and simply watch the world happen, unhindered by humans, as he used to.
Quite frankly, he wishes something could be done about it all. He remembered seeing stuff about blindness in one of Taekwoon’s journals, but, Hakyeon is unsure of how to bring it up. So he lets it be, keeping silent.
Actually, he’s become much less talkative, more like he was before Taekwoon found him, like he was before he started to open up. He no longer knows what to say, or do. He prefers to listen again, taking everything in and leaving it to the web of his imagination to show him what’s going on around him.
More than anything else he does, Hakyeon sleeps. He looses himself in the images of his dreams, treasuring everything that he ‘sees’.
Much of it, so very much of it, is his lover. Even if he can see the man by touch, Hakyeon misses his face, misses the looks hidden in his dark eyes. He misses a lot, honestly, but it’s Taekwoon he misses the most. Taekwoon, who he can tell is becoming thin. Whose voice is a bit strained when he speaks. He sounds so tired. Hakyeon hates it.
And so without saying that it’s what he’s doing, Hakyeon begins memorizing the space outside. Careful forays into the forest, minute remembrance of which way he had come from. The time he stayed out there was spent focusing, trying to pick out the sounds that he had once known so well.
Chances were that he couldn’t shoot an arrow at any of it, but Hakyeon was beginning to remember the things he searched for. A deer maybe fifteen yards southeast from him. A chattering squirrel in the tree above him. Once, even a brave fox that had curled up against his thigh. That had made him smile.
Even if he himself couldn’t hunt any longer, there was still someone that could. The hawk that he had trained so carefully months before, that had been intended as a hunting companion for Taekwoon. A gift for Valentine’s that he had never had the chance to give.
Hakyeon could still instruct it properly, even if he couldn’t see.
And so he began augmenting their meals with small catches from the hawk, ensuring that the bird was rewarded for its efforts. As long as he couldn’t feel bone so easily through Taekwoon’s skin anymore, he didn’t care how dangerous it could be to be out alone. They’d have enough food for the both of them again.
At least, he hoped so.
He never asked. Never questioned. Ever quiet, ever trying to remember the nonsense he had read at one time.
And so he dreams of being able to see the world again. Of being able to see Taekwoon. To see the bird that helped him so.
He dreams of being himself once more.
Hopes that his dreams aren’t in vain.
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♫
On Rainy Days - Infinite
It’s when the gentle patter of rain can be heard in the warehouse that Hakyeon remembers Sanghyuk. The kid that seemed wise beyond his years, and yet nothing but a little boy at the same time. Hakyeon missed him a lot. It had been months since he’d spoken to the younger, and now, in the middle of the rainy night, the elder was beginning to accept that he would never speak to him again.
Those memories of them were painful, even moreso now. He wouldn’t ever see Hyuk again, not with his sight gone. Maybe, over time, the pain will fade. Just like his memories are beginning to. Their sharpness has dulled, slowly, and a part of the former hunter hopes that he will be able to forget them.
Not that he wants to forget Sanghyuk. He just wants to forget the pain of remembering someone he will never speak to again. To forget the pain of not knowing whether he’s okay or not, if he’s hurt somewhere or even dead.
♫
View - SHINee
His lack of sight has opened the world to him, Hakyeon thinks. Sounds create the most beautiful view of things in his mind. Certain tones become colors, the feeling of the sun on his skin leaving his mind in a beautiful orange haze. Someone touching him leaves his skin tingling for hours, and lying beneath the stars makes the world feel beautiful to him.
Hakyeon knows that Taekwoon laments his…problem, however. There’s so much that they seem to not be able to do, not any longer. And yet, Hakyeon himself feels a bit more optimistic about things now that he’s blind. Honestly, he wishes he could explain the change to his lover, show him what it’s like. Part of him nags his mind to go outside, to practice with his bow and newfound better hearing. If he stayed near the warehouse, it would be okay, wouldn’t it? Couldn’t Taekwoon go with him and help?
He isn’t that useless, he hopes. Hakyeon does all the chores he can, and now he’s able to mend their clothes by touch alone. Without his sight, the fabric spread out in his hands felt so much more detailed…a view he doesn’t need to see to know.
Much like Taekwoon. The first time they’d tried to be intimate since his vision loss had been…awkward, to say the least. And then after that, Hakyeon had taken to keeping a hand on his boyfriend whenever he was near. Memorizing how he felt, supplying that memorization with his memories of the tall boy.
He was even more beautiful to Hakyeon like this, laid bare before his hands when the elder had the chance.
A beautiful view, indeed.
- Gone - [ Hakyeon | Hyuk ]
Sanghyuk has the layout of the warehouse memorized now, knows each hallway and each room, where the inhabitants kept their food and medicine and weapons. The first he’d come across the building, it had been tempting to take all of it and run, but he’d found it much more productive to sneak in every week or so to mooch off of whatever new supplies they had. It meant whatever he was taking was newer, better, less worn. It had taken him a few tries, and he’d almost gotten caught a few times, but he’d figured out which rooms to avoid, and when the inhabitants were usually out.
And then he’d come across the notes. He’d found them by a desk, and like many others, he’d known it was just someone accounting their life, like it mattered. It amuses him to read those scraps of diaries, so he hadn’t any problem reading them.
It’s when he first comes across Hakyeon’s name does he think anything of it.
Sanghyuk doesn’t believe it at first, but he hangs around the building, waits as long as he can till he finds that indeed, it was Hakyeon who lived in here, with some other man he had yet to meet.
And Hakyeon was blind.
It’s easy to avoid him, but whenever Sanghyuk catches a glimpse of him when he sneaks past him, his heart hurts, and his chest feels too tight, like it couldn’t expand enough with each breath to hold in all the pain.
It’s one such day, where he sees Hakyeon at the end of the hallway, and in his hurry to get away, he bumps his foot against the corner of the wall, cursing, before slapping his mouth over his hand.
Hakyeon has the place memorized, too. He has no choice but to memorize it. The outside world, past the edge of the trees, changed too much for him to memorize completely. Going out with Taekwoon was easy, though. His feet remembered the forest floor, and it was impossible to get lost with how loudly his lover trapsed through the brush.
But whoever it is that’s been taking things is good. They’re silent, too quiet for his somewhat-improved hearing to pick up.
Most of the time.
Catching the curse echoing back through the hallway, Hakyeon’s head snaps in the direction in came from, unseeing eyes searching out the source. It wasn’t Taekwoon’s voice, couldn’t be. Hakyeon had persuaded him to go out on his own today, so Hakyeon could clean everything properly. It smelled stale in the warehouse, and he wanted to get all the dust and such that was left back outside where it belonged, if he could.
Instead, he was now making his way down the hall slowly, a hand on the hunting knife that now remained at his belt no matter what, calling out softly.
“...who’s there...? What do you want...?”
- Gone - [ Hakyeon | Hyuk ]
Things have been going missing.
Hakyeon memorized where everything in the warehouse is at. From the tiniest speck of dust to the remains of the fire that burned through winter.
It’s small things at first, a water bottle here, a piece of paper there. Then one of Taekwoon’s Journals goes missing, only to return the next day.
Things always vanish while they’re out, or while Hakyeon is asleep. It cannot be Taekwoon trying to test him, or anything of the kind. Sunggyu was long gone, it couldn’t be him. No one else he had befriended knew where he lived. It had to be a bandit. And as much as Hakyeon wants to try and catch them, he knows that he can’t.
He’s blind.
What can a blind person do? Any further than a few yards out the door or around the building, and he would be lost. Hakyeon could only memorize so much at once. His memory was good, but not that good.
What really hurts, though, is when things that Taekwoon has given him begin to vanish.
The heart-shaped rock from before Valentine’s day.
Notes that Taekwoon had left for him on holidays, or when he had been out hunting and returned while Taekwoon was out.
His compass. Hakyeon cries terribly when he discovers it missing. It had been his first Valentine’s gift, the first thing that someone he loved had given to him. He clings to his plush cat from Christmas, not caring about the way his tears stain the soft fabric that it’s made from. Thinking about Taekwoon finding out makes him feel uneasy, nauseous even.
The only thought that nags him now, really, is who’s doing this? Who is it that takes such pleasure in watching him suffer?
Most of the time, he pushes that thought away for another time.
He doesn’t tell Taekwoon.
The compass isn’t returned, but he finds the notes and the precious stone on the bed. Hakyeon cries into his cat again.
Whoever they were, they were watching.
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