Tweak of Nature

An array of thoughts sandblasted across your genitals!

[tweakofnature]

How I Spent My New Years

I was home alone on new years eve. I was playing the sims in complete darkness. I had a small get together with some other sims. As the ball fell, I wispered, "Happy New Year," to myself.

[tweakofnature]

So... is this guy the criminal, or the victim?

[tweakofnature]

An in depth, psychological examination of a "nice guy"

Neckbeard > English Translation Key | "I'd rather cuddle and watch Netflix for hours TRANSLATION: I have no real ambition in life. I do little besides consume media, and I probably camouflage my lack of initiative by claiming to be an introvert (I'm probably not, but it stops people from pushing me too much to actually do things, and provides a convenient internal narrative that prevents me from having to admit that I hate myself for sloth). In reality, my crippling self-absorption and lack of social skills means I'd rather hang out in a safe space doing something sedentary as opposed to risking any kind of human interaction that isn't filtered through the comfortable anonymity of the Internet. | "rather than fucking you." TRANSLATION: I've chosen to believe that women unequivocally prioritize emotional intimacy over physical. But the point is mostly moot, because I DO want to fuck you really really badly, I'm just saying I don't because I think that's what you want to hear. Realistically, I've internalized an outdated erroneous assumption that women are not sexual people just like men. I'm terrified of women's sexual agency (if she's free to choose who to fuck, she might not choose me!), so I mostly see emotional intimacy as a bargaining chip to bind you to me. I've chosen to believe that sex is always ONLY something women do for emotional reasons, because emotionally prostrating myself at the feet of every woman I come into contact with is the only thing I'm even remotely good at. I don't want to expend any energy at all on hygiene or style, so I'll steadfastly refuse to admit that I could make myself exponentially more appealing if I'd just put a minimal amount of effort into caring about my appearance. | "I'd rather listen to all your problems and drama." TRANSLATION: I mean, I WILL act like I care, but this is mostly an accident or necessity. On account of my incredibly low self-esteem, I assume that other men are insincere because they're capable of attracting women. My complete lack of desirability ensures that I will fashion myself into your emotional slave, all for the slightest chance at putting my penis in you. I don't ACTUALLY care about you except insofar as you validate my incredibly pathetic existence, but since I will think that I literally have nothing to live for except sex with you, I will necessarily be more genuine. Basically, I assume all other men are just as shallow and self-absorbed as I am, so my natural conclusion is that if they don't HAVE to be emotionally present in order to obtain sex, they won't be. | "The last thing I would want to do is... act like I like them, fuck them on the first date, then dump [sic] them the next day." TRANSLATION: My concept of adult human sexuality is so limited and so shackled by my self-doubt that I assume that (1) women never want to have sex on the first date, (2) women never have sex with men at all unless they want a relationship, and (3) having sex with someone means you're in a relationship with them. Believing that any of these are not true would instantly demolish the wall of denial I've put up in my mind to reassure myself that the reason I'm lonely has nothing to do with ME. | "Women never see me [be]cause I'm ugly on the outside but beautiful [on] the inside." TRANSLATION: I am desperately clinging to the belief that women "owe it to me" to lower their standards in order to provide me with companionship and sex. This is easier than admitting that I'm owed nothing and the onus for alleviating my loneliness rests upon me and me alone.

[tweakofnature]

Ultimate Halo Bundle Giveaway!

[tweakofnature]

The Perils of Fapping to Scrambled Porn in the 90s

It's getting late, Mom and Dad aren't yet back from their late dinner, my sister's asleep in bed, so you take a chance. You flip through the channels to find those peach-colored zig-zag lines and the static buzz that clears up occasionally to allow the sounds of grunts and moans and the slap of flesh on flesh. Feverishly, you jiggle the cable wire just so, hoping to get the picture to come in clearly for just a minute, nervously keeping one eye on the steps in case the sister wakes up and an ear cocked for the sound of the car pulling in the driveway. You know what's just behind those jumbled images on the screen and it drives you almost wild knowing how close you are to seeing live sex on TV. And just as you can't stand it anymore, your heart pounding and your throat dry, just when your sweet imagination carries you off, the picture clears up for just that one brief shining moment, and you realize you're fapping to the Mexican wrestling channel.

[tweakofnature]

I love Die Hard

I love the film "Die Hard." Recently, I've been having doubts about the legitimacy of Die Hard 2, 4, and 5 as Die Hard sequels. The way I see it, Die Hard is the perfect action movie. It has everything. Awesome gun play, memorable lines, romance, bromance, it stands as a testament to perseverance and overcoming obstacles, and has a strong female which is rare in action movies centered around a male hero. He can't escape and it's kill or be killed. He's not a superhero, just a cop who was in the wrong place at the right time. I'll concede that the fire hose rope swing is a bit extravagant, and even when he rappels down the elevator shaft with the strap from his submachine gun. Beyond those two things, he's confined to a limited area and has no one directly helping him. Those are the two key elements that I believe make Die Hard the cinematic masterpiece that it is. Die Hard 2 breaks from that standard in my opinion because he's not trapped or in any real danger beyond the danger he so heroically accepts because he's John McClane god damn it. At any moment, he could say, "You know what? Let the terrorists get away with their plan and everything will be fine. Die Hard 3 takes the spirit of Die Hard and re-imagines it. McClane isn't trapped in a building, he's "trapped" in Simon Gruber's game, if you will. And instead of his black sidekick being the Dad from Family Matters talking to him through radio, it's Samuel L. Jackson right at his side. I know earlier I said that the key element to Die Hard is that he has no direct help, but Samuel L. Jackson can only make a movie better. Die Hard 4 and 5 aren't Die Hards. They're superhero movies. McClane's like 50 and he's launching cars into helicopters, and driving trucks out of the back of helicopters and then jumping into a building from said truck hanging out of the aforementioned helicopter. It's like Willis' character in RED when he steps out of the car while it's spinning and opens fire on the guy chasing him. These are things nobody can do. Not even John McClane. And the F-35 scene? I know it's just a movie but are you kidding me? The machine guns on that thing would shred you in real life. It's unrealistic. At least Die Hard had a borderline sense of realism. I love Die Hard so much that I cry at the end even though I'm 31, male, and I've seen it over 100 times.

[tweakofnature]

Vanilla Ice is Justin Bieber's father

Justin Bieber was born in March 1994, Vanilla Ice toured Canada in late spring 1993

You never hear about Justin Bieber's Dad.

Justin Bieber's mom looks like a Vanilla Ice groupie.

Justin Bieber's Mom was a known slut in Ontario.

Justin Bieber has gay ass hair like Vanilla Ice.

He looks just like the mother fucker!

Just look at the above picture!

[tweakofnature]

WHAT IS YOUR EARLIEST HUMAN MEMORY?

The earliest memory I have is sitting in a car seat in my Mom's van while she went inside to get groceries. I lived in a small town in the early 1980s so I guess it was generally considered okay to leave small children in locked vehicles. I distinctly remember a woman tapping on the glass and waving at me shortly before my Mom returned to the car. I think I was two years old.

[tweakofnature]

Don't ever watch the video "3 Guys 1 Hammer".

Never heard of it? It's a video depicting three young men in Ukraine torturing a man to death with a hammer and a few other items. It is a horrible video that I wish I could erase from my memory. The reason why I don't want anyone to see this is not that it's particularly horrible. You'll see worse violence and gore in many war movies or liveleak videos. The point is that what's depicted in the video is 100% sadism. Most of us can, sadly, rationalize violence that happens in war or during a robbery or stuff like that. But in that video there are two human beings horribly torturing another live person purely because, to them, it's FUN. They are laughing about it. That's the only and entire reason why they are doing it. They stick a screwdriver in the guy's broken face while he chokes on hos own blood and LAUGH about it! Watching that video will irrevocably make you lose part of your faith in humanity. You know how you often hear this sentence thrown around? In this case, it's actually true. You will realize on a visceral level that people like them exist and are among us. You knew that sadists existed but until you see something like that it doesn't get to your gut, so to speak. So seriously, don't watch it. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from it. Follow me on Twitter: @tweakofnature

[tweakofnature]

[tweakofnature]

Why I don't want children

I seriously cannot understand how having children is selfish!

I'm able to hold my own in society - I do not receive any form of government assistance and I don't receive any tax breaks or credits.

I'm not adding to the pollution and resource drain of the world by adding another person to the consumption chain.

I'm not so arrogant and conceited that I think the loss of my continued genetic lineage is a greater detriment to society than the continuation of it.

Maybe I'm missing the point. Can someone very seriously explain how the "being child-free is selfish" when all arguments begin with: "I don't want a child?" By not having a child I'm not abandoning something that already exists, I'm avoiding something I don't want in the first place.

I don't want a speeding ticket, so I don't speed - but speeding tickets put money into the state's hands where it can go to benefit someone else.

I don't want to be fat, so I work out - but eating a lot of food helps support the economy.

I don't give a shit about football, so I don't buy tickets to the game - but if you don't support the team they'll leave.

Does all of that make me selfish as well?

I don't like children, I have never liked children and being that I've entered my 30s, I can say I probably never will like children. I cannot afford children. I do not want to be tied down. I don not think society is going to miss out on my genetic diversity. So, rather than be a resentful parent getting assistance from the government, I choose to not have children. Is that selfish? I'd say just the opposite.

I adopted a dog from the humane society. She's a rescue. I love her and I got her because I wanted a dog. Not only did I save her from a shelter, I helped fund them so they can keep operating. They're saving animals from abuse and cruelty. They're finding homes for unwanted pets. They're giving them a safe, warm place in our harsh midwest winters. Every animal that goes out for adoption is sterilized in an effort to combat pet overpopulation. Was it selfish of me to want a cat? Maybe. Did I go about getting one in way that actually helps? Yes.

You? You're just shitting out another mouth and calling me selfish for not doing the same.

Fuck you, breeder! Follow me on Twitter: @tweakofnature

[tweakofnature]

R.I.P. Marcia Wallace (the voice of Edna Krabappel)

Edna Krabappel truly was my favorite character on The Simpson's. Over many, many years I found her to be the only character not to have been "Flanderized." Some episodes she is strict and rigid. Others, she is kind and endearing. She laughs and cries. She did not turn into a running joke of sleeping with every man and being a drunk, bitter, angry school teacher. And I think the reason for that is that Edna Krabappel was allowed to change the story.

For so many seasons we have seen changes each episode of the The Simpson's that just never took. Barney changed slightly to a non-alcoholic. The cat died, but was replaced with the same cat. Skinner is a fraud, but it is ignored to continue with the status quo. Mr. Burns is so sick that he is dying, but he never dies. No episode lends itself to the next, and after all these years the show has entered stasis. No one wants to alter the story enough that anything changes, but something has to change so a small change is made. Yes, Selma adopts a child, but it does nothing to add to the story. Yes, Patty is a lesbian, but it adds nothing.

But Edna Krabappel shook things up. She dated Seymour Skinner and showed compassion, edge, passion, and while their relationship fizzled, she continued to show a multi-faceted side of herself. Skinner was left a Flanderized version of the person he had been while at her side. Then she marries Ned Flanders and manages to shake things up with one of the closest friends of the Simpsons. She encourages change in Flanders which alters who he is and opens doors for him to become a new version of himself. Less of the old Flanderized Flanders and a more relaxed and open-minded person. And she always comes through for Bart. I really found them to be best friends. They got each other. She showed compassion when he needed it and brought down a harsh fist when he stepped out of bounds. She was his opposite and his equal. They shared laughs and similar feelings for situations and people around them. She never stopped caring about him and I don't think she could have became Flanderized because of her need to counter Bart and to exact change among the other members of the cast.

Truly, this woman was "noble spirit that embiggens the smallest man", and for that she was  absolutely cromulent.

[tweakofnature]

I Woke Up in Hell

I open my eyes, expecting to see demons dancing around me ; pitchforks in hand, muttering some demonic song or curse.

But there is none.

As far as I can see, everything is white and silent.

I am alone in hell, if this is hell.

I stand up, from where I had found myself lying on the cold floor. Suddenly I see that it was not white surrounding me, it was mirrors.

Mirrors reflecting all around, as if they were encircled around me.

Adjusting myself to oddness of it, I peer in to one of the mirrors, looking at my reflection.

But is not my reflection.

Physically, the reflection looks similar to me ; almost as if we could have been twin brothers. But the reflection's posture, his demeanor, the clothes he's wearing, they are all so different.

That's not me.

As I look into the eyes of my reflection, I begin to see the events of my life play out in my reflections eyes, from when a was a young tot to and elderly man. The small events leading all the way up to the big events that changed who I was as a person. Yet as I stand there mesmerized as what I am seeing, I begin to notice that as I get older, the events begin to change. They begin to have different endings and beginnings.

And lastly I begin to see events that had never happened to me.

I see myself getting a great well paying job.

I see myself happily married with kids.

The list goes on and on and that's when I realize.

I am in hell.

I am looking, witnessing and experiencing the man that I could have been.

The man that was there for me to aspire to become, yet I shied away from the great challenges in my life, leaving me as a nobody that few would remember.

My hell was to look at the man that I could have been.

For the rest of eternity.

[tweakofnature]

I almost had sex with one of my students.

When I was in my first year of teaching, I was pretty young and only a few years older than my students. I heard most of the drama but there is one student that I will always be reminded of when people ask me about working with students.

There was a student named Kathy who loooooved to gossip. She thought she was being sneaky when she gossiped with her friends but she really wasn't. Everyone could hear her, including me. Kathy was one of the popular girls so she had a lot to gossip about. She gossiped most days, but one day was different.

I heard her talking to her fried when the class was quiet and she said that she wanted to have sex with someone in the classroom. I listened more closely (I know, I shouldn't have) out of curiosity because, why not? It could be fun.

Anyways, she ended up saying the name of who she wanted to engage in sexual intercourse with:

Mr. [Name Redacted]

I was shocked when I heard this.

But stupid, stupid me decided I'd act on it because I was young and she was young. She was pretty attractive too and I'm decent looking I guess. If you saw us in public it really wouldn't be weird at all since the age difference wasn't big, but I digress.

After class, I called her up to my desk and started talking to her about her work. It was kind of awkward, the entire conversation, because I knew what she wanted to do and I couldn't get the image out of my head.

As soon as we were done talking about her schoolwork I said, "Hey Kathy. I heard you talking about me in class..." Her face turned pale white and before I could tell her I wanted to have sex with her she interrupted me and said, "Oh my God! You heard me say that? I'm so sorry! And..." before she could finish her sentence I said loudly, "I want to have sex with you, too."

She stopped her sentence and smiled. Then she said, "Do you know what my rates are?"

Confused, I asked her about it and she explained to me awkwardly that she was actually a prostitute and was continuing in her conversation from the last class she was in. It turns out she mentioned that she would have sex with me... if I paid, that is.

I decided that since I was already in it this far, I might as well pay her. "Alright," I told her. "What do you mean?"

"I'll do it, but need some money of course. That's just how it works." she said. I replied, "Okay, what do you need?"

"I need about tree fiddy."

It was around this time that I realized Kathy was eight stories tall and a crustacean from the paleolithic era. That goddamned monster has tricked me again! "Goddamnit monstah, I ain't givin' you no tree fiddy!" I said to her as she swam away.

Class was really weird after that with Kathy gone. I never told any of the students about our encounter but I sure as hell would never mention it anyway. Ever. Of course I'm telling Tumblr, but isn't that what the internet is for? To tell strangers your deepest, darkest secrets?

The year ended without being... too weird.

[tweakofnature]

How to not be creepy to girls.

The first step into not being creepy is about learning to read cues. Most girls (or people in general) don't like to straight-up tell you "Go away", but they'll send a number of signals to indicate that they're uncomfortable or don't want to talk to you.

Not responding to messages

Responding with one word

Answering questions but not asking any (they're trying to be polite, but not trying to keep the conversation going)

Never initiating contact with you

Keeping conversation at a superficial level, changing the subject when you try to go deeper

Trying to escape the conversation (looking around frequently, looking at their phone, talking to other people)

As for things you can do when talking to people:

A comment on a girl's physical appearance, especially if you don't know her, and particularly through the internet, is not the best way to start a conversation. What do you say to "You have a gorgeous smile"? "Um, thanks." The end. It can go no further.

Try bringing up a mutual interest, mutual experience, etc. and work from there. Show interest in her as a human first, and then bring up her gorgeous smile - not only does it spark more conversational possibilities, it separates you from the creeps who are only interested in banging a hottie and don't care about the person that hottie might be.

http://jezebel.com/you-cant-tell-the-attorney-general-she-has-an-epic-but-471311007

The above link is a great article about when and where it's appropriate to compliment strangers.

With few exceptions, any line used to seduce women in porn will NOT work in real life.

Another killer is a simple, "Hey," followed by silence. If you want to start the conversation, YOU come up with something to talk about. This goes with just about anyone. We all have that friend who gets bored, pops on chat and says "hey," hoping we have some way to entertain them.

Avoid overt sexual comments to anyone you don't know well, and most girls you do know well. Rule of thumb: Unless she has touched you of her own volition (this includes reciprocating physical contact you have initiated), you probably shouldn't be bringing up any sort of sex talk.

In general, avoid opening up too much personal information or asking too much personal information with people you don't know well. Hate to say it, but people just don't want to hear most of the time, and it makes them uncomfortable.

Know who is and is not your close friend. Someone you've met once? Not a close friend. Someone you've chatted with occasionally on Facebook? Not a close friend. These people can become close friends, but be on the lookout for signals of interest before getting too excited.

On a related note, don't assume that one really good conversation has solidified your connection. It's easy to get overeager and pull a "Tommy Boy" (Link to reference: http://youtu.be/c1EyN9xTK94). Relationships take time to develop closeness, so even if you feel a connection right away, resist the urge to jump to BFF too soon. (Unless it's CLEARLY mutual, then congratulations! You got lucky)

Respect boundaries. If someone seems uninterested in talking to you, DO NOT PUSH IT.

If someone doesn't want to talk to you, let it go. Don't try to make yourself feel better by insulting them, or try to make them feel guilty by sending them a long-winded sob story. There are 7 billion people on this planet, and odds are a few of them will like you, so don't worry too much about others.

Finally, creepiness is subjective and it's a term people throw about carelessly these days. There are people who will call you a creep for arbitrary reasons, including some girls who will throw that label onto any guy they don't want tot talk to. Try to keep a realistic view of yourself, get feedback from people you can trust to be honest about your behavior, and don't give up. Social ineptitude isn't congenital; you can do it.

In summary, don't imagine intimacy where there is none, pay attention to how people react to you, know when to stop.

[tweakofnature]

One time, while I was high...

I almost always worry about shitting my pants while I'm high. It always feels like I did. I never have, but...

When "Return of the King" was in theaters (holy fuck, 10 years ago?) a group of friends and I decided to get ripped before going. We smoked on the walk to the theater, just way too much. I was a poor college student at the time. I smoked so much I barely understood where we were even going at this point.

Suddenly, I'm in a theater seat and the previews are yelling at me. The movie had barely started and I needed to fart. I needed to fart bad. It was loud as hell so I figured I'd be fine.

"Diiiiiid I just shit?" I thought to myself.

So, I'm positive I shit myself and during every dark part in the movie I had my hand between my legs and prodding my blue jeans trying to figure out if I can feel shit trapped in there,

I definitely felt it. I felt something squishy. I was absolutely fucked right then. I didn't understand how I'd get to the bathroom, I didn't understand how I'd get underwear and pants, no, fuck underwear, I didn't even understand how to get pants. I didn't know how I'd live that down.

I decided the only way out was killing myself in the bathroom, but that still involved getting to the bathroom. Eventually I said fuck it, because I know the sooner I got there the better for this kind of thing. Maybe I could have washed my jeans in a toilet and it would be dry by the time people came out of the movie. I got up and bolted for the bathroom.

I was above the toilet, I tore down my pants, and I braced myself for a mud party... There's nothing.

NO SHIT!

...Did I miss some? Am I just looking wrong?

No... NO SHIT!

But what the fuck was I feeling in my pants that felt like poop? I put my jeans back on, sit on the toilet, and start prodding.

It was my balls.

[tweakofnature]

When I was a Freshman...

When I was a Freshman, I asked out this really hot blonde senior to the hot blonde senior to the homecoming dance. At the time, I was 4'7", weighed 250 pounds, and didn't have too much confidence. Since I didn't have my prosthetic leg at the time, I had to basically hop from class to class. Nonetheless, I thought I had a shot with this girl.

Turns out, she was into me. I don't know if she was just a nymphomaniac or if she had a fetish for my type of physique, but she liked what she saw. After I asked her out at lunch, she told me to meet her near the auditorium after sixth period. I left history class late in the fifth period and hopped over to the auditorium.

When I got there, I couldn't spot her. I began to wander backstage. Finally, there she was - standing center-stage, naked and without any clothes on. She was hot. I'm talking Anita Williams fourth grade-hot. Her breasts were the size of my own but without the lactation. I walked up to her, my penis erect and tucked into my waistband. She put her arms around me, and I, trembling, grasped her slim hips with my meat claws. We went into one of the dressing rooms and began to make sweet passionate love.

Suddenly, the sixth period bell rang, and I heard footsteps coming into the auditorium. "Shit!" I looked at this girl, and I said, "I need to put on some clothes." She had heard the footsteps, too. Afraid of getting caught with the one-legged fatass, she pushed me out of the room back onto the stage. Luckily, the curtains were closed. Naturally, I was completely freaking out. Not only that, but I noticed a mime stepping onto the stage. SHIT. THE MIME WAS COMING TO PERFORM FOR THE STUDENT BODY. I looked around but had nowhere to go. Suddenly, the mime noticed me, his mouth agape from the site before him. I became frozen. Then, yes, the worst of the worst happened: the curtains began to open. The wider they opened, the more silent the crowd became. Suddenly, I was standing directly in front of the entire student body - nude, lactating, and my penis was still erect.

I began crying and figured there would be no way to recover from this incident. I dove off the edge of the stage with tears in my eyes, landing directly on my stomach on the hardwood floor. At the time, my erection had not yet subsided, so my penis was crushed in the fall. Teachers near the front row quickly helped to pick me up, and so THEN the student body saw my completely crushed and shriveled penis, broken in about three places, dangling like a chestnut filled with sand attached to a long piece of skin.