walk away from toxic people before you lose yourself while trying to find the good in them

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@tweaktweak23
walk away from toxic people before you lose yourself while trying to find the good in them
“I’m not afraid of dying. But to live the rest of my life without drugs? That absolutely terrifies me.”
— Journal entry 7/26/16 (via mydrugaddictionstory)
i went through one of the hardest and worst situations in my life without anyone by my side, so don’t you dare tell me i can’t do anything on my own.
“I knew I was getting bad again when every week I was just trying to “get through this week” I don’t know what’s wrong with me”
— (via leave-my-lungs)
“Drugs didn’t change me, pain did.”
— six word story (via absturz-problemkind)
They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, infact my dear absence shocks your system, lets you cry at night, absence makes your heart shiver in coldness, puts ice crystals in your blood stream, absence weakens you, beats you up, takes you to rock bottom, and from there you learn how to rebuild yourself without them, by then you either choose to adapt to their ghost, or just let them go and move on.
Borderline Personality Disorder isn’t being cute and ‘clingy’ and ‘adorably needy’. Being with (romantic or otherwise) someone with BPD isn’t akin to taking care of a pet. BPD isn’t an ‘aw it’s so endearing that they need me so badly’ type of thing.
BPD is a mental illness that is a conglomeration of several different tendencies and it’s not easy to diagnose. You don’t just decide you have it, just like you don’t decide you’re depressed because you had a bad day, or you don’t decide you’re bipolar because your mood changes quickly sometimes. Believe me, you don’t want it.
BPD is turning nothing into everything, is knowing you’re being irrational and not being able to stop regardless, is suppressing breakdowns for fear of being abusive or of manipulating the person you’re talking to into having to take care of you when they really don’t want to.
It’s thinking someone doesn’t care about you anymore because they made a new friend. It’s automatically registering new people as a threat. It’s a fear of abandonment and rejection that’s damn near omnipresent. It’s being able to shift from ‘I love you so much!’ to ‘I don’t give a fuck, I hate you, I don’t even want to talk to you’ and back at the drop of a hat.
It’s finding identity in a drastic hair change, and then feeling unsafe and desperately trying to fix it before you have to go out. It’s seeing someone you adore and trying to emulate them because you have no idea who you are. It’s waking up and trying to be a new person every day. Go vegan, go goth, go hipster, go glamour, cut your hair, change your makeup, gain weight, lose weight, and never feel quite there. Ever.
It’s comprehending ‘love’ as ‘pity’ and wanting to rip yourself apart if their tone is all too casual when your friend or love interest is returning compliments or affection. It’s regretting saying anything about your mood and desperately trying to turn the conversation around while simultaneously NEEDING to get it out. It’s wanting to bleed yourself dry as opposed to cry in someone’s arms because, at least then, they don’t have to clean your wounds for you. They won’t hate you. They won’t be annoyed.
It’s the constant battle, every time you get upset, of, “Is this worth being sad about? Is it worth talking about? What is more abusive, talking about this or hiding it? If I tell them I’ll bring them down and I’ll guilt trip them and they will resent me and it will all be my fault. If I don’t, I’m a disgusting liar, I’m manipulative, I’m untrustworthy.”
It’s wondering if you’re faking your symptoms. It’s disassociating and feeling like a ghost for days. It’s feeling like you aren’t real, and then wishing you weren’t. It’s fear, a lack of self, and about a million different thoughts running through your head at all times. It’s trying to live for the people you love as opposed to yourself. It’s feeling suicidal and then feeling bad for feeling suicidal because, whoops, you’re being manipulative.
“I wish I hugged you tighter the last time I saw you.”
—
~how i’m feeling~ | rp sentence starter
drugs & the internet
“another life, another story, ( she ) walked out, said i was boring.”
“shit, i said i’m never trying.“
“'til the bitter end, but every now and then, i wonder what it feels like to be more than i am.”
“i traded all my friends for drugs and the internet.“
“ah shit, am i a winner yet?“
“and i don’t wanna base my actions, on reactions or the things they say.”
“so now i’m laying in my bed, and i can’t get out my head.”
fuck, i’m lonely
“call you one time, two time, three time, i can’t wait no more.”
“i know its been a minute since you walked right through that door, but i still think about you all the time.”
“i don’t know, i don’t know how i’m gonna make it out.”
“fuck, i’m lonely.”
“fuck, come hold me.”
“yeah i still watch the shows you showed me, i still drink that wine but these days it tastes more bitter than sweet.”
“and all my friends are way too drunk to save me from my phone, so sorry if i say some things i mean.”
“miss those nights when you would come over, spent all night just tryin’ to get closer.”
lonely eyes
“i don’t mean to be rude, there’s things in myself that i see in you.”
“she had those lonely eyes, i only know ‘cause i have them too.”
“no, you don’t have to hide, the things you feel inside, i feel too.”
“'cause i’m lonely just like you.“
“we might speak different languages, and we might have differences. but where you are, i’m right there too.”
“stay the night, stay the week.“
“when you’re gone, i don’t sleep.”
“when you’re gone, i feel weak.“
sims
“i wish that you and i lived in the sims.”
“we could build a house and plant some flowers and have kids.”
“i’ll probably never see you again.”
“i wish that we lived on a vhs. i’d erase the things i said and that i’ll probably say again, hit rewind on all the times i got lost in my head.”
“goddamn, i wish we would’ve met on another night, baby.”
“i wish that we met walkin’ round the moma.”
“yeah, i’d say nice to meet you, 'stead of saying nice to know you.”
“i’d try to impress you with some bullshit 'bout monet.”
believed
“almost got a place out in midtown, instead i took a plane out of this town.“
“wasted, and all of my regret, i can taste it. if i had a time machine i would take it and make it back to us.”
“now i’m reminiscing 'round the clock, wish that i could make it stop.”
“shoulda believed in us, while we existed. 'cause now the whole thing’s fucked, and just a figment of my imagination.”
“and i wish i would’ve been patient, instead i let in all the emotions.”
billy
“nobody told ( him ) the world was mean.”
“nobody thought ( he ) could amount to anything.”
feelings
“is my love too much, or is it just enough, for you?”
“'cause it’s getting late, would you like to stay?”
“we could cross that line, know we’ve been friends.”
“and love only knows broken ends. yeah, that’s what you said.”
“'cause feelings are hard to find.“
canada
“waking up in your bed, it’s almost like i’ve been here forever.”
“i’m obsessed with your brain.”
“what if we move to canada?“
“buy some things we don’t need, bring your mother’s dog, your paintbrush and some candy.”
“how you talk with your hands, and how you sigh like a movie.”
“and we got luck so bad, we have to laugh. i guess we’re lucky that, we don’t need much outside of us, do we?“
“and when they talk about those, people who up and leave? that could be us.”
for now
“i keep you right here in my brain, even when we’re waking up in different cities.”
“i know it’s hard to feel so close to someone that’s so far away.“
“for now, i’ll love you through the phone.”
“for now, our friends will fill this home.”
“in the shadow of the moon, found the memory of that night we were in portland.”
“the moment i told you, that no matter where we are, you’re still my best friend.”
“and if i had a candle i would wish you back to me.”
mean it
“i can’t tell what you’re thinkin’, please tell me what you’re thinkin’.”
“but you text me when you feel like, when it feels right to you.”
“i’m fallin’ faster.”
“don’t tell me that you need me.”
“don’t tell me you’re falling, with your feet still on the ledge.”
“don’t kiss me, no, don’t kiss me.”
“you know you got me in the palm of your hand, but i love those hands.”
“but you only let me hold you when ( he ) can’t.”
“you’ve been staring at me with a heart of doubt.”
tell my mama
“i been thinking that life’s too short, so many friends got their life cut short.”
“now i’m standing here doing lines in the bathroom.”
“i hate myself.”
“i been hiding pain, it’s underneath.”
“and i been up so long i’m scared to sleep.”
“tell my mama that i love her, and i’m sorry for the pain.“
“and everybody says that i’ve been manic. i think they might be right, but i still manage.”
“lately, i been so annoyed. ‘cause they think that i’m just paranoid.”
sweatpants
“coffee with a little bit of alcohol.”
“oh no, no, don’t judge me, just 'cause i do anything to get by.”
“said you don’t wanna know who i am anymore, you don’t care anymore. yeah, i can’t really blame you.”
“and i don’t wanna know, who you’re with when you leave.”
“swear i still feel you on my skin.”
“i really miss you.”
“but, baby, that’s not the issue, the issue is coming back.”
“we’ve been through this, we both know. we’ll fight, fuck then let it go.“
who
“sometimes, i swear i think you hate me like.”
“i need to get outta here.”
“'cause you’re not the ( girl ) i fell in love with, baby.”
“'cause something has changed, you’re not the same, i hate it.”
“feelin’ hypnotized by the words that you said.”
i’m so tired…
“i’m so tired of love songs.”
“party, trying my best to meet somebody. but everybody around me is falling in love to our song.”
“strangers, killing my lonely nights with strangers.”
“hurts like heaven, lost in the sound.”
“buzzcut season like you’re still around.”
“can’t unmiss you and i need you now.”
el tejano
“i met a ( girl ) at el tejano.“
“i’m from wherever you’re going tonight.“
“i always find myself in random situations.“
“do you wanna have a little bit of fun tonight?“
tattoos together
“i’d never fall but then i fell for you.“
“one weekend in portland, you weren’t even my ( girl )friend. we were walkin’ and talkin’ then somebody said, let’s get tattoos together.”
“if it’s way too soon, fuck it, whatever.”
“if it’s not forever, then at least we’ll have tattoos together.”
“'cause i love you.”
“knew it from the moment, from the moment that i saw you naked, could never love nobody else, the way i loved you baby.”
“yeah, your cherry earrings are my favourite.“
“i’ve been hopin’, prayin’ we last forever, 'cause there’s nothing better than you and i.”
changes
“i’m getting rid of all my clothes i don’t wear, i think i’m gonna cut my hair cause these days i don’t feel like me.”
“i think i’m gonna take a break from alcohol, probably won’t last that long, but lord knows i could use some sleep.”
“changes. they might drive you half insane but it’s killing you to stay the same.”
“living with your eyes half open.”
“it’s all gonna work out.”
“i think I’m gonna take some pills to fix my brain, i’ve tried it every other way. some things you can’t fix yourself.”
sad forever
“life feels like a daydream.”
“voices always keeping me up, telling me that i should give up.”
“'cause lately i’ve been in the backseat to my own life.”
“i don’t wanna be sad forever.”
“i don’t wanna wake up and wonder, what the hell am i doing this for?”
“i’ll make it through to tomorrow, 'cause that’s all i can do today.”
invisible things
“do you still remember the way that we felt when we were kids?“
“yeah, we built castles out of couches. felt fire without matches.”
“made promises without fear of getting burned.”
“we think happy is expensive.”
“it’s the invisible things that i, that i love the most.”
“so let me hold you close.”
julia
“when we met i wasn’t me, i was so numb.”
“i was so lonely.”
“out on the run i wasn’t free, and you came along but you couldn’t save me.”
“my hesitation and holding my breath, i led you in to the garden of my loneliness.”
“wish that you left, before it all burned down.”
“i’m sorry what i do to you.”
“i push and pull and mess with your head, then get in your bed 'cause i’m weak, deep down.”
“i wish i never lied to you.”
“i never meant to hurt you like that, and if i could go back i’d leave you alone.”
“when i left, i wasn’t sure that i could love.“
“i won’t lie to you no more, 'cause i know i did before hope you find what you looking for.”
modern loneliness
“i’ve been thinkin’ 'bout my father lately, the person that he made me, the person i’ve become.”
“and i’ve been tryna fill all of this empty. but, fuck, i’m still so empty.”
“yeah, i could use some love.”
“i’ve been trying to find a reason to get up.”
“the baggage in my heart is still so dark.”
“modern loneliness. we’re never alone, but always depressed.”
“love my friends to death, but i never call and i never text 'em.”
“yeah, you get what you give and you give what you get.”
“we love to get high, but we don’t know how to come down.”
“if i could break my dna to pieces, rid of all my demons.”
“if i could cleanse my soul, then i could fill the world with all my problems.”
“we’re never alone, but always depressed.”
Don’t fall in love with a junkie. We’ll sell your soul for drugs and apologize just so we can do it again.