Confessions For The Night

Truths she couldn't speak about

[icreatewhatibelieve]

Starting right now I will act as if I am my ideal self living the life of my dreams.

[emotionalwords]

[jaggedjawjosh]

Some nights I wonder if your dreams drift on whispers of starlight, weaving tales of success, creativity, and happiness in your sleeping heart.

[confessionsofallnights]

I didn't understand how much I disliked my relatives, until I went out with them, the amout of I dont belong and I cant listen to this shit, kills me.

[confessionsofallnights]

صحيت الصبح بكير،،، قبل عادتي و صرت بس عم بفكر بكتير شغلات، ما عرفت ارجع اغمض عيوني، كل فكرة كانت تيجي تحكي برأسي، فكرة ورا التانية، اتداخلو مع بعض..

ما عرفت ارتبهم ولا افهم شو بدهم...

هوة خوف، هوه قلق، ولا مجرد ارتباك بسيط؟

اكتر فكرة خوفتي و خلتني اقوم و اجيب سيجارتي، لاستنشق دخان ليقتلها.. الخوف من الوحدة و تقطع العلاقات..

فكرت بكتير ناس، بعرفهم او حكينا من بعيد، شفت الوجه الخارجي الهم، و صرت افكر كيف عرفو ينتموا و يكونو اشخاص جدد، و بهاد الوقت، دقت على باب افكاري فكرة تانية، انه انا الناس اللي بعرفهم عم بروحوا، يمكن لمكان احسن، و اكيد هاد الاشي رح يصير، و بعدها ببطل في ناس نعرفهم او يكون النا صلة بهاد العالم معهم...

معقول الناس عندها سر احنا ما منعرفه؟ ما وصلناله لسا؟

ليش انا لسا مع عرفته ولا عرفت اكون و ابني علاقة ممكن تكون سند بالمستقبل، قصدي بالعلاقة هون اني مش بس احب حدا.. بس اني اقدر ابدي مستقبل و حياة جديدة، مش لانسى القديم، لا.. بل لاتعايش مع الواقع اللي عم يركض و مش عرفة الحقه، الوجوه اللي بتتغير، حدا يفهمني و يعرف متى انا ما بكون منيحة؟ متى بكون طايرة من الفرح..

ضليت افكرر و استنيت الشمس تشرق...

لما تعبت من افكاري، خطرلي انه ممكن نعبي يومنا بكتير اشياء و منها كيف نكون روابط و نبدائهم... و المشوار ببلش من خطوة واحدة... قرار.

[diaries-of-march]

What hurts you most is not what people did, rather than your high expectations of them. All love and dreams that you held on so tight, Your expectations of what would you do if you were in their shoes. Release the grip of phantoms in your mind, let forgiveness like a balm unwind. Then, with the scars that wisdom softly writes, You'll rise renewed to greet the future's lights. Sit with the hurt, sit with the pain, heal in your solitude, and move on.

[diaries-of-march]

Sit with your pain, with all the accusations and hurtful words that came out of their mouth, collect those words and sit with them, examine them, think about them, try to fit them into you, move to self doubt, hate yourself, hate them too, dig deeper, look at those words again, see the unhealed version of yourself, ask around, and look back in again, try to find peace that those words gotten out of their mouth, try to repeat it what happened, sit and think about the words, it might take you a while to realise, that those were not yours to work with, as much as you try to relate those words to you, the truth reveals itself, what people project on you, whether to hurt you or to hurt themselves are not yours to worry about. Its theirs. Releasing that in first place, if those words were true, you wouldn't want to analyse and dig deeper to see how did you do them wrong, So take those with you, frame them, write them down, and stick it on the page that is written about them, which you are about to flip.

[confessionsofallnights]

Do you remember this?

Life.. it comes with a lot of ups and downs, but you've done this many times before..

[diaries-of-march]

Goodbyes are not always tired to the physical body. Sometimes, you say goodbye to the soul you know, to the feeling you laughed non-stop at, to all your sunsets and drives, you say goodbye to the places you thought could be yours, to the furure you've wished for together, to the endless hours of fun, to moments when a hand was needed the most ,you say goodbye to all your bucketlist locations, the fun things you enjoy, you say goodbye to the twinkle lights you found on the shelf in that store, you say goodbye to the minutes and hours that passed in a glimpse of an eye, to the hot cup of coffee you've bought around the corner, you say goodbye to them, and to the pieces they've left in you. You say goodbye many times before they change completely. There are infinite goodbyes before you can't recognise the things you once knew, Goodbye doesn't come at once, but once one begins, many endings follow.

[recaption]

[confessionsofallnights]

Yeah admit it, you didn’t fully heal, you didn’t take your time to think correctly about your situation, you were clouded by your feelings, you tried to cover the void of not having them anymore, not only as a lover, but also as a friend.

You really felt disappointed, and your disappointment lead you to the road of solitude, and from there you felt the harsh loneliness. You felt like your life was crashing, piece after piece, another traumatic experience that adds to the latter. Until you found yourself on the bathroom floor, crying, bleeding with all the sharp pieces that were left broken.

[confessionsofallnights]

So part of my healing is to write you a letter, to reconcile and heal the chords of my heart, I am not writing you this in pity, anger or hate, I am not here to revenge or yell, I am here to make amends to my crashed expectations, I am here to write to my spiritual friend who you stole away from me on that cold night, I am here to tell you how much you broke me when you left without communication, I was hurt, I cried, I spend the nights and days thinking when you will come back, season after season, until I grew weary and tired, I lost hope in life, in people and in friendships, I remember telling you why I was scared of losing our friendship, and you ended up just doing exactly what I was scared of..

My dear, please do not hate yourself or feel ashamed of what happened, I poured all my pain and invested those broken chords into my inner search journey, I tend to cry when I think about us, I collected those tears and prayed, that I will get over this, silver shiny moon tears were shed from day to day, I got better and stopped expecting you to call, I stopped trying to manifest you though my crystals, I stopped looking at our pictures, I deleted your videos of the last shattered hopes, I forgot the tone of your voice, I started working on myself, I started going inwards, to regain my shine, to regain my Heart.

So thank you, for all the good things you made me believe in, Thank you for showing the other side of you to know that true love only comes from within.

[confessionsofallnights]

In the middle of breaking apart, and losing the major part of my hope, fear of death that was happening in 2020 and the rise of COVID cases, January to March, and March is where you invited me to the birthday and I refused, March is where we started panicking, infact the whole globe was going crazy, and in the middle of the chaos, a seed of infatuation was born, the fear of this world might end, made me fall harder.

My spiritual friend, who knew that you could've let me down this way, I remember running wild in the middle of the night down to the south beach is where I told you that I trust you, I trusted being with you, but you know what I shouldn't trust you with?

My fucking heart.

As quarentine days went buy, day by day I was obsessing about you, I wanted to see you, we went out until that night, where everything else shifted, you kissed me and stole the friend from me, you made your move.

And we lost it all because you lacked communication, just a proper communication! Ypu could've repeated what I told you, you could've said that you want us to be friends as not to lose this special connection.

And you left.

I lost both a friend and a lover, in the maze of uncommuncated words, and what-ifs!

They always said they will come back if you ignore them, I waited and its been more than 8 months, you're still gone.

I surely lost a friend, not much of a lover though, but you my dear has lost all the perfrction that could've been between us, a high compatibility, A spiritual world that was about to be ignited.

You'll come back.

[confessionsofallnights]

A letter to my R

Let's start with you, yes you! when you decided to leave the country, leave everything behind and just go somewhere new. You were the hope I was clinging to, 5 years of a silent love, a beautiful peaceful one, sounded much like an unconditional love, I was embraced with all my negative traits, I was loved and I was taken care of. And then all of a sudden, all seemed to fade away on that specefic day when you called me to let me know that you bought the ticket, I wanted to shatter crying in the middle of the park, I was insecure, scared and with you moving out of the country, I was shocked, it seemed like you gave up on me, I know you didn't, but part of be started to break away from you, your love made me feel emotionless all the time, I tried to focus on the bad parts between us, your carelessness, your lack of motivation sometimes, But part of me still in love with you, but the other part still resentful and hating on the way you left.

I moved on, I still love you though, I still belong to you, you are the only person I can keep a secret with, I can tell you anything without feeling judged, I can go to you and will always feel embraced, we've spent couple of years together, and it was strong. But the flame died, and now you are a familiar soul that I would like to keep next to me, I love you so much. I am sorry for not being able to continue.

Maybe you leaving the country will make it easier.

[confessionsofallnights]

No, dont open old conversations, don't open previous applications where you used to talk, do not look back, turn your face and lock your phone, delete the conversation, I know how hard it is not to do so, however, I am telling you, it will get better at some point, the same pain of the hollow heart will feel better, it will be filled again. You were not the runner, you are not the escaper who didn't know how to communicate words to you, to make you feel better, or easier.

He was just a fuck boy, who wanted to get into your pants, just another carbon copy of others..

[noorshirazie]

“I hope his voice trembles when he speaks of me. I hope he is so tongue-tied that he forgets how to pronounce your name.”

— Noor Shirazie

[confessionsofallnights]

Goodbye.