love felt like something i need to deserve - therefore, i find myself chasing after something that had been missing from my childhood. not because i didnt felt love in my family, but because what was love to my family didn't translate as that to me.
as an adult now, i realise that love does exist within the family but it was in a different language. along the way, i know that my mum has done her best to show me her love in her own way that no one else could've given me.
in many ways, i felt healed from it but it only took me being moving out, going thru alot of hardships, being transparent with my financial standings, going thru a breakup and now finally thriving at work that really cemented the understanding a little bit better.
in my 20's, i really worked very hard to "love myself" by slowly reducing the people pleasing habits but it came at an extreme cost of hurting the people around me too; and in a way, myself.
i subject this to the fact that when i was younger, i didn't have a lot of freedom that most kids had. and in hindsight, im glad that was the case, if not i wouldve been a very depressed person. however, i do have to say without the mistakes i've made in my 20s i would've been wayyyy less sensible and wearing rose tinted glasses to navigate thru life.
alot of people in my life made me feel bad for who i was that even trying to find a footing in who i could be diminished all efforts of it. i became so ashamed of myself.
i became a person had a duality of not giving a fuck but secretly hurting from the things that was deemed "unworthy of love and admiration". i would fall back into the same patterns of not wanting to let go of something not because it was good for me, but because i was afraid of being abandoned, unchosen, unloved once again.
and in many ways, i was treated this way in every relationship - from an early age of being a child to my parent, to being a member of the church, to being friends with people who did not have my best interest.
it's hard to explain how time really heals and opens your eyes up to possibilities and change - people do change, but perhaps some takes more time than others. i truly believe if you have the ability or the want to grow, you'll get there but it cannot come superficially, it has to come with consistent intention.
in anything that you do, consistency is expected to see results. i believe the best parts of us are constantly developing, be it may if its taking the learnings of one relationship into the next, learning how when one thing ends; something else blooms.
but it is however, a choice for you to make on whether or not this growth is your choice - because ultimately, changes that are enforced by nature, God or even external factors other that yourself forces you to discard old habits and understanding of certain parts of yourself to allow space for better things to come.
change may not always be easy, but it is necessary in so many ways - it is needed, required, expected to be uncomfortable but so so rewarding when you come out stronger and a better person out of it.
today, i offered to pick up the snacks that adam/andrew has gotten for yewy from M World Hotel. In that meetup with Andrew, I invited Andrew to come for dessert with Yewy and I; NOT KNOWING he would open up to me about some things he was struggling with. Not even Yewy knew about what he was going thru, and they've been friends since high school.
after dropping Andrew off, I told Yewy what we spoke about and he said he finds me very empathetic and kind to hear Andrew out in this difficult period - cause even he didn't know Andrew was struggling with some stuff. He genuinely admires how I make effort with his friends when in the past, his ex, Sam never put in the effort.
Andrew did tell me that he did meet Sam before, but she was not as engaged or friendly. Yewy did tell me that the first time Sam met his friends, she was just playing with her phone scrolling Instagram and with me it was different, he felt like I really made an effort to even speak to his friends, get to know them and even offered Andrew to come with us for dessert because it didn't even cross his mind. He would've just picked up the snacks, said thank you and left because he didn't have the mental capacity to even offer or think of that as an option.
To be fair to Yewy, he isn't that close to Andrew as compared to his brother, Adam whom he is best friends with but he kept reminding me that this is why he felt like I was someone who is very empathetic and sensitive to peoples feelings which he can be quite insensitive to sometimes.
I don't think Yewy realizes that he is also very empathetic and can hold peoples emotions very well - but I do agree perhaps he may not be the most sensitive to other peoples feelings sometimes. and i get it. maybe perhaps it is easier to see your own flaws and other people's light shine brighter than yours. but i do agree sometimes he can be such a boy lol.
anyway, i hope one day when i read this, it won't be from a place of regret, it will be from a place of gratitude because i truly feel like i've manifested a man in my life that can hold space for my emotions, cares for me, is considerate of me and will be there for me in the times that shows good conflict resolution skills. i know its only been a month, but things are looking quite good so far.
