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@twistedframeworks
and this is the last post. Ever.
For almost a year, i have shared you my poems.
My happiness.
Sadness.
But then i decided to leave these all out here.
Decide to d something different
To share something different.
For I will no longer be some twisted framework.
Cigarette Stick
Can I have one?
Continuously asking
Continuously giving
Busy on your one night stands
Do you have a lighter?
Cold nights, starry skies
Burning off our lungs dry
Hoping we’ll be better
Can I kiss you?
Last December we did
Made you the one I ever wanted
Somehow pretended it was true
Can we dance?
We did last November
Blood tainted with liquor
Stealing each other’s chance
You should come over my place
For a drink or a sex?
A dial away or a text
Ready to get replaced
But even when things hurt
Or things seemed to be stupid
Sometimes it’s each other’s we wanted
Even if we’re the death of our rebirth
Hangover
And you were beautiful
With leather jacket on
Alcohol on your mouth
Everything was perfect
And I was too drunk
Weak knees, alcohol stench
Slurred words I’m uttering
I was a wreck
This mouth uttered
I love you
I loved you?
Words seem to deflect
You were smiling
Carving out the wound inside
Stinging it with happiness
Was this a side effect?
The loss, the pain
Months of no hellos
Months of being with another
Was this the after effect?
Conclusion now came ashore
The feeling, the person
Seems like separated now
Never wanting to reflect
But remember I always
Uttering against the thin air
I loved you, I care for you
I’ll be on another trek.
I swore to you the last time we talked about her how I would take care of her since you were leaving that day. I understood that time that sometimes you've got to pull the knife that was stabbed on your back by the ones you loved. I understood why you left her, and why I was left with her. I saw how broken she was, and I bet you knew every goddamn things she did just to get you back. I wondered if you knew about the things she did just to forget you. I almost lost her that time. I helped her burn all the beautiful things you gave her. I helped her heal, and somehow let her forget you. We filled our days with alcohol and sleepless nights doing spontaneous trips with our other friends. But now, it was me who left her. I cannot take care of her the way I was trying to. At first I thought I could, just like what I promised you. It seems that I cannot. I understood why on some ways you left. She once scarred you. I would tell you that I cannot lift a single muscle everyday by just pretending that I am not being hurt by her. I knew that we cannot fit anymore. She changed. I changed. She wasn't the same person I met on the first day, or the person she was when you were still together, or the person she was when she lost you. She was much different in such ways her walls were so high I did not even know her anymore, even if we were sleeping next to each other. I also knew that I cannot be that person for her since I am much different, and I believe that if I would stay, it was like keeping up a mask that I am tired of wearing. I knew it was partly half of my fault, and this seems kind of stupid but I am tired being with her. For me, being with her would just make me dumber whenever she did things that once hurt you. Every single time she did that it just reminded me of how I felt like insufficient for her, and dear friend, being with her felt like a toxic to me. I cannot stop blaming myself from time to time whenever she did something bad. Staying beside her was like letting her knife get stabbed on my chest, and letting my fingers wrapped around her neck. I knew I shouldn't care but she WAS my friend. I knew too that I am not the friend for her who would be there for her every single minute. She was clingy and loving. She was the sweetest one a person can have. I am not saying that was bad, but I knew I cannot last in that kind of atmosphere. I am independent. Too independent. Too selfish, actually. I cannot hurt her in my independence, or in my own selfishness. I knew that was a fucked up one, but if you were me, you would get how it feels like. I am too much for her. I am her poison. Friends not supposed to let each other feel like that. I am NOT her friend. I am the shadows that were lurking in the corners. I am that stupidity that she should avoid. I am tired of hurting people. So I left her. Wishing that she didn't hurt you. Wishing that you were still her bestfriend who was really being that bestfriend for her. Wishing that she was happier. Wishing that in some ways I was still with her. Wishing that we were still the old version of ourselves. But no. We cannot turn back time. I cannot get her back. I cannot let her get back. I am very sorry, JC. I left her. I am a failure. I wished she was happier this time. I am tired stating all of these "stupidity" that she was considering. I am tired stating these explanations that she wasn't even listening. M, just forget me. Please do. I knew my faults, and if there was one thing I could promise you, I will never hurt anyone again like how I hurt you. Live a happy life. Forget me.
A Letter To An Ex-Lover
And I am a soul Deprived of such things With one cigarette I stole From a man who got everything Hold him tight, dear Smiles filled with sunshine A lonely soul just so near Someone who's never mine A puff, a smoke, an exhale Tracing all the happiness Clearing up the hurricane Sweeping off the mess Arms wrapped upon On people I yielded Gained one more coupon Memories I shouldn't forget No alcohol, no nicotine Happiness yielded sober Old people I'm currently in Love's flowing over And this is how I killed Embers left on my killing machine And this is how I yield My own self after nicotine.
A Confession Of A Chainsmoker
Do you know how hard it is for me to carefully act around you? Your eyes are shining whenever you smile, or laugh at our awfully good or dirty jokes that might offend people around us. Your laughter that I know she heard a thousand times, and those careful hands that probably intertwined with hers. All I could do is to accept that she owns you, and I am sitting here next to you, being a friend that I really am. You are there sitting next to me, being a friend that you really are. Sometimes I still wonder, what if you know the real reason, and you're just playing around like how my past played with me. What if all this time you're just using a single soul of me? But no. I am your friend. You are my friend. I am overthinking. I am just thinking of things I shouldn't think of. You are a beautiful human in front of me, and I am some wreck soul sitting next to you.
Thoughts While I’m Laughing With You
And I Will Never
And I will never wake you up
Your sleepy eyes coming to it’s wake
Greeting you with such concern
For I believe you’re stronger without
A single soul of me around
And I will never drag you on things
Adventures I swore to do with you
For you and I these days
Are like tidal waves crashing down
And I will never wipe your tears
Hug your broken pieces up
For I am the volcano
Destructing you like Pompeii
And I will never ask you again
To give one more kind of try
For it’s begging for another hangover
Another kind of hurricane
For you no longer want to return
And I no longer want to destroy
You and I
Will no longer intertwine.
Trap
And do not wake me up
With your soul slumbering
Eyelashes falling softly
On cheeks I wanted to trace
On lips that’s never mine
In the twist and turns
There she was
Before my existence
Before I said “hi”
Before you said “hello”
And I cannot own
I cannot imprint\I cannot hold you
On the way I wanted to
Soul that’s parched up
To collide into
To crash against
On a soul I’m unaware
Tied to another one
And it was a death
Telling me stories
Secrets you hid consistently
Under your sleeves I pull
Scared I’m replacing
What supposed to be hers
Her own perimeter
Radius I’m stepping in
For I am the confidante
Seeing your happiness
Alcohol-stained smile
Brothers she never knew
Independence she’s limiting
Such sins for you
I fairly tolerate
And I’m scared one day
I’ll replace the soul
That supposed to be her
Scared that I’ll be the poison
Made for her antidote
Scared you or I
Will fall on the pit I’m scared off
Oh the soul she barely knows
Soul I fairly see
Soul she ever loves
Soul I ever wanted to spend time
Yet I cannot
Is the soul I’m scared to steal.
Shoulder
You fell upon softly
On the blades of my shoulder
On the spot where he
Confessed the smell of liquor
Slurred words you uttered
Weak body against mine
Thinking seem to be altered
Alcohol that’s undermined
Held you there on my hand
Change what it used to be
For it seems to be in demand
The way you slept peacefully
And things went rushing
Pushing back to the shore
Of what used to be dreaming
Was now something I’m sure
You were so beautiful
And I looked at you rest
On these shoulders, careful
Not to fully let this digest
Sleep tight, good night
Settle the alcohol darling
Tomorrow will be alright
Hope you’re hope’s not dying.
I will never bring him to that fast food that serves cheap coffee, because we used to spend our time there. I will not ask him about what he wants to have after 10 years in the wee hours of morning. I will not let him bask under the summer sunset with me, because you used to look good under it. I will not ask him about the collision of atoms in chemistry, or the infinites of mathematics. I will not ask him to trade playlists with me because he wasn't you. He is who he is. He is probably the one who will take me to pubs, and drink with me. He is the one I can talk about the utilities and demands of economics. He is the one I can be with until the dawn breaks on the sky. He is the one I will ask to if he's okay. He is the one I will trade insecurities, and my newly formed vices. He is not you. He is not the one I love, but I'm sure as hell he's the breath of fresh air in my toxic-tainted lungs.
Possibilities Frontier
Vices On Mondays
And I went with them
A handout and a key
To lower depression
To start the ignition
And there I light it up
Like the old times
The habits, the liquor
All in one place
Discussing, devouring
Negativity, naivety
Of this one whole mess
And I would like to catch
Tears falling like promises
But there he was to catch
Grateful, painful
Two things I felt
Surprised that I’d feel
Such feeling that’s minor
Two lines of beer
I downed, of I drink
To pick such words
To tell, to let her see
That I’m still here
Listening, trying
To be the friend
To be the companion
To be the sister
She wished she had.
Second Hand
Her tears rolled down
Holding up my hand
Drifting until we drown
Holding on to second-hands
Her eyes were an ocean
And my mouth was a desert
Shadows behind the scene
A great fall down I can assert
Her legs might be tired
And my eyes were that dry
Life nowadays felt wired
On things wwe’ve stopped crying
And the truth and lies
Crashing like atoms in thin air
We’re done trying
On things we once cared
So I held her tightly
And we flew away apart
Find what makes us happy
Finding the remaining art.
Compare and Contrast
And my hands are shaking
Cigarette stuck in between
Then my lungs started breathing
Burning ever sadness in
This is a story of a girl
Twisted mind, twisted words
Omitting lies, sounding slurred
Fleeting truth like birds
Once caught by a guy
Messed up words, messed up sheets
A sin she once tried
Stupidity she’ll never repeat
Tonight they crossed paths
Night’s cold, rage’s warm
Thoughts started new wrath
Forming, situating like a swarm
So she lit up a cigarette
Said it would be her today’s last
For her life’s full of shit
And it burns up her sad past
And my cigarette burned
Resting embers flew
And I will no longer return
On sin that punched me through.
Troublemakers
And we walked down
Reminiscing last December
Here in the same small town
Trying my best to remember
And the hill was steeper
Bodies that seemed to slip
Conversation’s getting deeper
Until my balance made me flip
And your hands held mine
Colder than the weather it is
Causing such feeling everytime
Saving my inner senseless crisis
And we were troublemakers
Drinking problems ‘til 4am
Chain smoking as if it’s forever
Stories we had in store then
And we could be partners
On crimes held such connection
But life couldn’t be any better
For we were never each other’s solution.
JDS
And I am still a stranger
Different path with a story
I am my own danger
And it’s written on poetry
Once someone’s toy
In his lips was once home
But I break and destroy
Tired running in this velodrome
And each night they pay
In flesh behind screen
Was a queen of dismay
Going through shits I’ve never been
In morning they greet
Another kiss, another night
But bruises made me quit
Can’t lift a fist for a fight
At night I pull down
Self-esteem, his old jeans
On the shame I drown
Sadness seems to win
But you seem like home
The laughs, the smiles
And I’ve never felt alone
Even just for a while
Nights filled with story
And lips carved with promises
Hands painted with melody
Of great dreams and truces
And I would risk waking
Seeing your face I admire
And I would risk falling
With your words that inspire
For nights would no longer be
Lingerie and emptiness
Fill it with our memories
Of adventures and happiness.
Lost
Hello anybody home?
Oh there she begs
Trading 11 numbers
Pleading ‘til she get
Hello anybody home?
A monitor, a conversation
He’s half-naked
She’s painting illusions
Hello anybody home?
She’s selling again
A flesh on every word
Sex and happiness then
Hello anybody home?
Sold, but never stayed
One night bed talk
And a sadness he paid
Hello anybody home?
A smile carved at night
Tears rolling at day
Fists ready for a fight
Hello anybody home?
Another flesh, another blow
Bruises she collects
Words pulling her soul so low
Hello anybody home?
She found him there
A different kind of story
He’s just pure and bare
Hello anybody home?
She hid her hands
Below her insecurities’ sleeves
Not taking his hand
Hello anybody home?
Scared under her breath
Yet she dive in the waters
Adrenaline like a drug’s effect
Hello anybody home?
At night she kept selling
Unsure of the boy she met
Thoughts scarttered, misleading
Hello anybody home?
She’s chasing happiness
Cigarette ash, sexting indeed
Things that gave her bruises
Hello anybody home?
For bruises are temporary
And life’s too hard for her
There she is happy
Hello anybody home?
A life she wanted
A dream he can offer
Scared they’ll end up parted
Hello anybody home?
His eyes were promises
Her mouth was a lie
And thoughts burning her like ashes
Hello anybody home?
He’s the end of paranoia
A man she waited
That could give her nirvana
Hello anybody home?
He’s the cigarette, the alcohol
Her today, and might be tomorrow
Everything she wanted at all
Hello anybody home?
In his arms she wanted to stay
In his side might be her home
Open the door, let her in.
Captivity
You were a stranger passing
Across such constellations, burning
Brighter and brighter you bled
Combustion and flares you fled
And each stars were outshone
Was noticed by the queen on her throne
And each night they held each other
In captivity of a wall that separate them from one another
Her nights no longer felt empty
And his holes were filled almost completely
Yet the crack was undeniably there
For life for them was never fair
Her stories were different
His intentions were slightly bent
And if one day they’ll collide
That’s when all insanity will abide
Yet for now the queen sat on her throne
Stranger passing on her velodrome
Slowly building, slowly knowing
In captivity there they were flowing.