two fine days in a row is all i ask

Interesting things, inspirational things, or your average dose of negativity are forecast for this season

[burgrs1994-deactivated20151224]

u get teary-eyed when u yawn bc u miss ur bed 

[twofinedays]

Dear Person Whom I’ve recently had a fight with,

If you can all it a fight. Since I’m too socially anxious and chronically unable to communicate what I feel accurately when I speak person-to-person, I’m going the cowards way out and writing this to let off this steam that’s about to blow my head open.

Yes, I did get upset at you, because you were demanding unreasonable things from me that I said no to once already. This may be new to you, being refused something and then my getting angry when you insisted again in an even more rude manner. I know you feel entitled to get what you want most of the time and to be able to refuse other people, such as me, and drop them altogether from your plans.

So why would you expect more from me? You’ve said before we’re not as good chums. Are we even friends? I talk to you comfortably and laugh with (at) you, what does that make it?

Frankly, I’m not going to apologize, which I get the feeling is something you expect me to do. I don’t need to and I refuse to betray my own peace of mind for someone who doesn’t even consider me a friend half the time.

Now I don’t know what you’re doing, this practice of avoidance. Wow, ignoring me. Wow blank cold stares. So intimidating. Look, can we just agree that this is childish? I’ve been talking to you and moving on with my life. I haven’t RANTED AT MY (and your) OTHER FRIENDS ABOUT HOW UNREASONABLE YOU ARE BEING. Maybe doing that, making barbed and hurtful comments behind my back makes you feel better. Go ahead, darling. I’m just screaming at a cyber abyss. To each his own.

But I’d prefer you to grow a pair and just move on with it, because I’ve told you what I was thinking and why—in an abrasive and blunt manner bordering sassy— so if you have something to say to me, which I can palpably feel that’s bursting from your person (but instead apparently my friends get to hear about it and tell me secondhand), by all means come to me. I’ve made that clear by treating you normally. I’m not holding resentments and if you somehow feel wronged, we can set that right.

Right now, I think you’ve succeeded in getting me to feel like shit for a day and a half for something I didn’t do and couldn’t understand until now. Thank you. Bless you.

Writing this, I feel better. And if going to college is anything different from this, I welcome it. So hard.

[twofinedays]

I fucking scare myself

i read it like an outsider would and i think i need some sort of professional attention

not because the things i say are particularly crazy or senseless

as much as fucking depressing and unstable. i don't think those feelings are very well translated into words, but when i try to express them it comes out dark and disturbing as all fuck.

so now i'm afraid of writing down my feelings

the end

(there was no Once upon a time to begin this story sorry to disappoint)

[twofinedays]

i think i used to have extremely high expectations for myself regarding grades and socializing and being in general a good person compassionate and things (I think I still do have those expectations) and I didn't have high enough expectations for people around me

and that led me to be treated as a doormat

most of seventh grade

and i guess a lot of high school

and now i've just developed a really thick ogre coat of brambles and thorns and witty sarcastic abrasive shit along with some idiotic cuteness/sweet frosting so that anyone that steps on me 

well maybe i'm a lego now

i still get stepped on but it fucking hurts for the other party

[twofinedays]

i feel like i could potentially be a product from an infomercial

like this

"This Damaged Good as seen on TV

Ne w and improved! Now can be depressed at ANY time of the day!

A $50 value yours for only 19.99!"

[twofinedays]

every fucking time

[twofinedays]

motherfucking

[twofinedays]

i fucking hate everything goddamn it get me out of here 

Fuck.

[twofinedays]

Today is Friday, tomorrow is Saturday, and the day after that is Sunday

I plan to

relax

[sublimefy]

those friends that treat you so differently online than in person that you’re practically at an impasse over how to interact at all like, what. .how do???

[majesticrichardarmitage]

[twofinedays]

hearing about how other people are having good days lifts my mood a bit

[twofinedays]

friends are the best therapists. which sounds fucking awful because i don't want to treat them as such like seriously unfollow all of this even though you're not obligated to it's your choice and your concern for me even knowing that you're powerless to stop it but i really appreciate you i genuinely appreciate your existence i'm just

[twofinedays]

wow cool 32 posts on how depressed i am i must have an awar d i am so cool i just

suck

[twofinedays]

there's gotta be a way to like tell my teacher that i can't write my essay slash come to school because i am so emotionally ill and scarred that i just physically can not even put up the effort to live. Actually it might be good to tell my mom this first except she currently thinks i'm throwing a teenager tantrum and so all she is is getting pissed at me and disappointed at me which doesn't make me mad because so am i

i am for a most part pissed at me and really disappointed in myself for being a bitchy fucker who can't control her own mental state and i'm really done with a lot of things like living for one but don't tell anyone that, or else they'll say, wow stop being such a pessimist jesus why would you give up all these wonderful things about life for all your little pesky problems i bet you don't even have that many problems they're just your emotions like deal with it man don't involve me ew stop talking about it give me an example of how you aren't happy like you're a suburban middle class only child you're pampered you're set for college you're smart you have straight As your problems are tiny

thank

thank

i want an extension on my homework

i want an extension on those two essays i must write in 1.5 hours total on wednesday

i want an extension on life

not like fountain of youth kind of extension just like i want to die a little bit and come back to find that i can handle my shit again.

[twofinedays]

I think the thing with like having a faith in a god is that you can't trust any human being on this earth to know and understand what you're going through even if you tell them they haven't experienced every minute and your thoughts which race so fast it would take thousands of years to sift through you know and so god is there He doesn't need you to confide in him like he has or maybe Jesus can't tell never been able to tell probably god he's been through every minute with you every second he hears and listens to your thoughts an he's the ultimate you know person to turn to I think i kind of get it Like when there is no human soul There's him And this all sounds religious and sacred and shit but it's not because I get the concept but I don't believe because he's put me here and nothing is going to work out because of some reassurance like that's just like indulging in something So basically the only way to fix myself is to do it on my own But then people are like yeah that's it he's within you he's in your spirit you've just gotta find him I'm like yeah okay but see above Also isn't that apotheosis of some sort like I am god Man I am god Like only I have the power to change the course of my life The way my life is going now it's not my fault Hahahahhahahaha I dare people To tell me otherwise without experiencing anything I'm going through But like I can change it by virtue of just existing That's different from god like in the end I don't think I need reassurance in someone else knowing completely what I've gone through I just gotta be assured in my own power to be the rest of me to the end of my life like I'm going to be so many things down the road and I have to assure myself of my capability in being these things because it's impossible not to BE so. I just gotta transcend all of this shit that if there were a god I'm cursing him for setting this up for me like no fears god doesn't have a plan for me or else this plan is to kick me over the edge f a cliff and the only thing that's stopping me from doing it is me hey that might be gods plan you never know id like to think its myself though because saying this is all gods work is gonna take the effort I put in to drawing every breath that I don't want to out of it it's cyclical you know I just gotta know that I'm the one doing it so that I can do things other things.

[twofinedays]

i assumed i was getting better but it's just slipping everything is it's slipping little by little like an avalanche and nothing will fucking stop it and i want to die genuinely but i won't because it's not like

it';s an incrediblely personal issue like it's something i'l never be able to confide in my lover or my best friend who i;d die for in the future or my mom right now because everything  is just incessant living hell and pain and i want ot tmake it sotp but i can only continue on with lfe like whydoes that have to be and it's not like a personal abstract issue like depression it's actually a concrete problem that i've been battling for ten years and i hope that it';ll go away by college but fucking know that it won't i KNOW that it won't and it causes me the most pain and i can't tell my mom about because it involves her and to do so to confront the problem would be to hurt her to do nothing would be to hurt her or at least perpetuate this cycle of pain and it's SO DELY PRIVATE it's not even funny like i will carry this to my grave which is going to be an early one because i can't fathom my natural life being particularly long with all this emotional distress can you? i mean how would you even

but i'm not going to go like sylvia plath or virginia woolf it will be all like natural duration of life and shit

because nothing will well i'm just so utterly selfish that's okay

i'm a huge bitch like i'mi despise my entire being jjust absolutely everything okay i just hate myself for existing and no one can really comfort me like why do people even give me hugs when i don't ask for them like it's literally like marta just out of the blue hugs me really regularly and i know that she assumes people like hugs but i don't okay because it's al for her like she feels good givbing hugs or getting hugs or just hugging like she's an afectionate person but i genuinely will only hug someone who one day *(even though i said it's impossible) will know exactly WHAT but not what i'm feeling i mean know at least the situation i am in then i will hug them because like then i can be fixed because hugs are meant to fix you but right now people just use hugs willy nilly to feel good for themselbves and that's fine but i don't seeit that way that's all

i just really despise myself in this instant ok

i want to vomit

or coma

and feel something visceral

anything but this

it's just like

a constant state of

i don't even know

it's this nervous edge to everything

i jump at every little sound and i just want to close my eyes and never wake up

i can't do this eloquently

it's like being awake for 5 days straight that's what i'm feeling like

and i would rather just not even feel or be awake or think ever again

what a tradeoff