non-birth mama pro-tips: bonding with the baby
as a more practical supplement to my earlier reflection on being the non-birth mama, i thought i’d share the things i did/do to feel more involved in the pregnancy and to bond with our baby from go. some tips are uniquely queer, while others i got from my male friends who often felt left out during their early days as papas. these won’t be right for everyone.
1. have an amazing partner with whom you communicate early & often
sounds obvious, but this is everything. my wife knew before she got pregnant what i was nervous about (feeling left out). the world knew she was pregnant, so she in part became my advocate. she constantly talked about her wife (me) and that WE were expecting. be open. be honest. have each other’s backs.
2. be actively involved in choosing a sperm donor
again - sounds obvious (this is your family!), but i’ve heard of non-birth partners being disengaged during the sperm selection process. this is where the journey went from a ‘one-day thing’ to an imagined reality. bonding starts with dreaming up your baby.
3. attend everything you can alongside the birth mama
i went to every doctor’s appointment, blood draw, and ultrasound while my wife was pregnant. not everyone can do this, but it underscored a broader principal: i am an equal part of this.
4. get loud and persistent about your role as an equal parent
it was awkward, but it got easier. a lot of times, i felt in the way. i often felt like the medical world ignored me. some of it is understandable – my wife was the patient as the pregnant one. but often, i felt like if i had been “the dad,” i would have been addressed directly. it’s a shitty feeling. so get brave, even if it starts as a shaky whisper.
5. find a role: spoil the birth mama
sure, i wasn’t the one growing our son, but i made myself the one who cared for my wife. growing & birthing a baby is hard work! so it felt like a perfect fit to be my wife’s advocate at this time. i made it my mission to ensure she was well-cared for - lots of food, water, massages, and general TLC.
6. find LGBTQ-inclusive medical providers
once my wife was pregnant, we prioritized finding a doctor who would be warm & welcoming of our family. it made all the difference in the world. they made notes in the file to include my name & that i was the other mama so that nurses would know to address me.
7. get in the trenches after birth
it was tough when Dashiell was first born. breast feeding can be really challenging & there’s very little sleep happening. i changed every diaper when Dash came home until i went back to work. and while i wasn’t his food source, i carved out the role of putting Dash to sleep. i spent the first month of his life rocking him to sleep while reading aloud Joan Didion to the whole family. it was exhausting and romantic and one of the best times of my life.
8. have the baby take your last name
not for everyone, but this one was important to me (and my wife was happy to go along). but let me tell you, seeing my son’s birth certificate with my last name on it - my heart burst out of my chest.
9. control the narrative
early and often and to anyone who will hear, i’ll tell people about my wife and our son. this is to try to hedge the stupid fucking questions from nosy strangers. you know the ones: “who’s the real mom?” “ what’d the donor look like?” these questions suck and they will happen. so have responses ready. “We are both the moms.” “That’s private.” “He’s ours.”
10. remember: being a parent is showing up, over and over
relax. enjoy expecting or having a baby. cuddle and make silly faces and dream up the future and laugh with your partner as you have newborn poop running down your arm. bonding with your baby will come naturally because you are already the parent - you’re the one that is there, putting in the love & hard work. this kid wants you, so just continue to show up.
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