Idk what I did again.
Curiosity caught me and I checked up on you
Coincidentally at a time where I have no clue wtf I even did.
I would be if I knew what hurt you.
I have no room in my heart to hurt you in any way. You told me to hate you, but I will never be able to. So whatever I did I hope you know I didnāt mean to direct any bad vibes to you. The first time I texted you unnecessarily, I admit, I did it ignorantly. I kinda wanted to be petty. I kinda didnāt.
So if you see this post, hereās my validation.
Every day I canāt seem to look at anything that catches my eye without there first being a layer of your face somehow permanently infused into my eyes. Like if you leave a tv on with a movie paused the image burns itself into the screen so whatever you watch the image is there at some level of opacity.
When I was on tour crossing through cities and states looking at all the beautiful and amazing things nature had to show me, your face came before it. Cause while the world has so much to give and show, It still wasnāt beautiful enough for me to look at if my my mind didnāt first put a layer of you over it. And I brought the watch you got me with me and wore it everywhere cause I felt just a little more closer to you with it. I really appreciated it a lot you know. Its not just a thing to put in my wrist, it was validation to me that even though you said you didnāt think you ever loved me, that at least I knew I mattered to you in some way.
I admit I cried like a little bitch a couple times. Other times I forgot we werenāt on any good terms and would wanna call you tell what exciting things I saw but just in time reality set back in.
And when we first broke up I really was trying my best to be okay. Dreams wouldnāt let me though. I couldnāt drive home without lying to myself that you were next to me. I couldnāt sleep without imagining your weight on my chest. But then when I did sleep youād be there and Iād wake up to find nothing but a pillow and the box of letters and that poem you wrote for me directly in sight. But still I had to be okay with you doing you so I prayed
But somewhere along the way when I found it was because of someone else, I let myself dwell in the new found hurt. I felt used and lied too. Thatās no excuse for how I let my life go so Iām sorry that I let everything with me go downhill with the actions I took and the words i said that directly affected you.
It validated exactly what my moms told me. āMaybe she found someone elseā
But while you were and still are over in your corner hurt by this undeserving fuck, i try my best to pray as much as I can. Cause if youāre happy Iām happy in a sense.
While your here, if youāre here, I HATED seeing you in public I hated randomly bumping into you. Especially when you started watching my snaps more consistently yet when we see each other we act as if nothing existed between us. And itās so hard for me to act like I donāt care cause when I see you the world goes silent, everything stops, and Iām nervous on the inside.
So whatever the fuck it is said or did know that I never in a million years meant to pull a dick head move. I loved you. I still love you. If I wanted to be a dick I would do so in a one on one conversation that weād never have anyway.
Another note. With Halloween and the rest of the Fuckin holidays coming up, I stupidly kept myself up to date with your old twitter up until summer. One tweet killed me a little more idk the exact words. It went something like āAll I got from my ex was pensā
It wasnāt till you that i started really hustling hustling for gigs. And it helped cause you really pushed me. You wanted me to get a job but I wanted to make money doing what I love, so in a way you challenged me. So when it came time for Christmas and New Years and our whatever monthiversary I knew I still wouldnāt be able to get you something big right away like a necklace or a ring so months prior I started buying little things when I could, cause I wanted to at least give you more than one thing to open till I could get that one gift that could last a little longer than the rest. It hurt cause I thought the songs I recorded were meaningful enough to last a bit but then that twitter post.
It sucks now, cause now that I can actually afford to spend without worry if Iām gonna have enough to a pay bills. Now that I donāt have to worry about paying Things in increments every month. Itās just too late. Iām just too late. But thank you, cause you pushed me here during and after we went separate ways. I had another dream maybe a month ago. You were in it and we were friends and we were hanging out for the first time since the last, and you grabbed my hand to hold it. In fact you kept trying But In my dream, I couldnāt feel anything for you no matter how much I tried. It was odd. I ponder the thought of us a lot actually, but if it ever does happen I know now that I need more time for me. I donāt even trust me anymore. I donāt even recognize me sometimes. Iām stillā¦ idk Iām tired of thinking about this,Iām going sleep.
But I really hope you heal from the heart break life dealt you. I pray for you every day. Please donāt ever let that genuine heart you have go bad because of unappreciative people.
