Dear dad, It's the first Christmas my sister and I will be spending without you and I hate it. I also know that you make your own decisions. You should know that we are old enough to make our own as well. It's too hard sometimes to stand by you as you make the same mistakes and expect us to watch you lie. It prevents us from living our lives and progressing. I know that sounds incredibly selfish, but you really fucked me up. All my life, all I've ever wanted was for you to be okay. And in turn, I've built this cycle of being naive and vulnerable, to selfish and destructive. I've been hurt, and hurt so many people in attempts to figure things out, and love myself and others but I'm fucked. I'm twenty three now, and sometimes I feel like I'm three years old. I'm trying my best to find some middle ground and grow up. You're missing out on your grandkids lives and I think that's incredibly selfish of you. You know what your drug abuse has done to destroy a family, and you continue to blame your addiction. And yet we all suffer the consequences. Watching my sister be strong and take care of her kids is remarkable. I'm so proud of her, and I know I don't show it all the time but I love her to death. I hope I'm as strong as her down day. Sometimes we sit together and talk about how much we miss you and how shitty you are, like we used to when we shared a bunk bed and cried to each other. The only difference is it's much more brief and I try my best to hold my tears. I want you to be okay, but I can't sacrifice my own life to stand by your actions anymore. As much as it is an addiction, it's a decision that you make. You have family that you neglect and it's not fair. I know that you miss us too, but I can't do this shit anymore. I love you, but if you don't figure your shit out, you'll never see us. It breaks my fucking heart. We've spoken one on one about all of this and I've explained everything to you and you've acknowledged it, but nothing has changed. It took me a long time to understand why my mom left you and I resented her for that for quite some time, but I know now. I'm trying so hard to grow up. I miss you so much. I hope your family is okay and I'm sorry that things are the way that that are but you should know by now. Happy holidays pops. Your son, teej
