come and see me

True love. She told me about your honeymoon. Sounded pretty lit. Too bad I’m gonna take her away from you just so I can go to Aruba.

Yeah, I had the whole thing all planned out, and it was going to be perfect. but Serena’s lazy ass just wanted to tan, fuck, drink too much wine, swim and eat. It was still perfect though. You can’t steal my wife like that. I’ll take Ajax from you.

text to y'all motherfuckas

ajax: its ok ill pay for new tickets

ajax: but u wouldnt do ur brother like that would ya

tyson: stop shit talkin my team and i'll let u live

imessages to: 50 cent 💘

serena: la is nothing compared to aruba idc

serena: yeah maybe then i can be a real housewife of aruba and make my reality tv debut!!!!!

serena: im p sure ive been stuck with u ever since u picked me up off the side of the road bc i was lost

serena: if we have a kid and its a boy his name HAS to be tucker tucker

tyson: ok but aruba dont have mansions like the hills do

tyson: this sounds like my own personal hell

tyson: HA and then i carried u up to my guest room and then u freaked out abt ghosts or smth ur so dumb babe

tyson: why do u hate our future child

text to y'all motherfuckas

ajax: anyway we know thats not true baby

tyson: tucker can have ur courtside season tickets

#ajax.#text.

Fuck yeah I would. Literally why would I be up your ass? That’s Serena’s job.

Serena’s not up my ass, she’s an asshole most of the time. I don’t even really like her that much.

text to y'all motherfuckas

ajax: face it lakers are so 2000 and late

ajax: the best asshole

tyson: ur no longer invited to my games

text to y'all motherfuckas

ajax: why would i want my kid to play like a laker kobes long gone so

ajax: ill take him to curry himself

tyson: this is why i wanna punch u in the face 99% of the time

tyson: curry's an asshole

text to y'all motherfuckas

ajax: woke up feelin' faded so that means last night was fuckin' amazing

ajax: also today ima teach tucker how to dunk its time hes like 5

tyson: smh

tyson: come by the staples center later today he can play like a laker

I blame this on you regardless.

You know why I like you Rosa? I could be the president of the United States and you’d still treat me the same.

imessages to: 50 cent 💘

serena: la is ecstatic to see me r u kdiding me

serena: if we move to aruba u can be tan all the time always :)

serena: ur wife :) im ur wife :) w i f e

serena: tucker is my child im his new mother

tyson: nah uve been mistreating la smh

tyson: good idea!!! then i can play for the aruba national basketball team that's always been my dream :)

tyson: yeah now ur finally stuck w me for life :)

tyson: i rlly dont need a kid named tucker tucker

My son is only five years old and he’s already a bigger fuckboy than his dad. At god, what did i do to deserve this? Its probably because I made Tyson his godfather.

It’s probably because Serena spoils him to fucking death. Don’t blame this on me.

imessages to: open

serena: ive never been sadder to come back to la

serena: one day tyson and i are gonna move to aruba forever srry

serena: oh and we're taking baby tucker with us

tyson: la is sad to see u too

tyson: aruba wouldnt want my pasty ass i think this is the tannest i've ever been

tyson: why is my wife always tryna kidnap tucker

That’s totally right. I’m never ever kissing you again. Sorry ‘bout it.

I tried to take you seriously there for a second, even though I know of course you’re not, but then I thought about how ridiculous it is to think that Serena Coleman could go for more than a week without sex. Now I can’t take you seriously. And before you say it, no, I’m not gonna have sex with you if I don’t get to kiss you. I like kissing you.

#serena.

Okay, then I’ve decided I’m suddenly not ticklish. What are you gonna do about that? Unless you can’t turn that off. Then, you know, whatever. I’m still not kissing you ever again.

You’re never gonna kiss me again? Ever again? Never ever? Is that right?

#serena.

Don’t guys like that in girls, though? Serena’s a badass. We’re doing surprisingly well. I thought he was gonna get tired of my bitchy ass after a week but he proved me wrong.

Serena isn’t a badass, that’s what she wants you to think. She’s actually the most dramatic, ridiculous and sensitive girl you’ll ever meet. Damn, really? Go Kev.