I was with my ex the other night and the opportunity gave us both a clearer view about what happened to us and what we are now.
I know, it sounds stupid. The part where I was with him was stupid enough, the fact that we talked about our status in each other's lives is even more stupid. But keep on reading. I'd like to go back to this blog post a few years from now and then see what happened by then.
It happened during evening over a glass of vodka and coke. He was asking how I was doing with everything that has happened at work. Of course, I answered truthfully and we weren't able to dodge the truth behind our current status in each other's lives. We cannot keep on dodging the situation. We cannot keep on setting it aside. So he asked me if I wanted to take a walk outside under the stars. I went ahead and immediately looked for the moon. It wasn't there. But I know even though she was hiding, she was listening. So we were there again, under the night sky. Under the stars. Just like how they were witness to the beginning of our story.
I've always been honest with what I felt, so I told him what his recent actions made me feel like. It felt like hell. And he was also honest enough to tell me that it was his phase that he had to go through. It was a stupid move, but it made him realize how immature he still was. Back then, during that awful night, sabi nya sakin that he won't talk to any girl muna. Including me. Kasi sobrang gulo nya. Sobrang toxic nya. He didnt want to drag anyone else into his mess. Then the other night, while walking side by side, he told me, "Asan ba ako ngayon, Tyn. Sino bang kasama ko ngayon maglakad." And even though it was as vague as that, it kind of made me feel that at somehow, he still chose me. "I needed someone to talk to. Someone who would listen. And she did, pero the problem was with us. We have just broken up with our exes. We thought talking to each other could've filled the void. Pero hindi e. Eventually I got tired, too." But even though totoo sinabi nya, I couldn't help but cry. Masakit pa rin sya kahit pagbali-baliktarin ang mundo. I just asked him if I could hold his hand that time. "Pahawak nga ng kamay mo, kasi namiss kita." And he let me, without a hint of hesitation. He brought his arm around me and said, "Namiss ko rin to. Ano ka ba, akala mo ba nakamove on na ako sayo? Ikaw lang naman yung gustong gusto magmove on." And I just laughed it all. It was obvious through our actions pero I didn't want to seem assuming. Pero nakalimutan ko ata, actions had always been his love language. Words may lack conviction at times but not his actions. It had always spoken so much.
When we got back inside, we talked a little more until the break of dawn. It was fun and comforting. It was still him. I was still me. I told him the frustrations I have with my life lately. Including how I lost him and how I was about to lose my job. I was surprised when he came closer and kisses me on the cheek, I thought he was already drunk but he was sober. He told me, "Halika nga dito. Di mo naman kasi kailangan isipin yun, Tyn. Andito pa rin ako. Ikaw pa rin. It's just that, at this time, we cannot push this through. I really have to make myself, and you know kailangan mo ring ayusin ibang aspeto ng buhay mo. Pero I want you to know that I'm not forcing myself to move on from us kasi I'm not closing my doors to you. Hindi ko lang talaga priority ang relationships right now, but my development. And I hope you understand that." And I just fell silent as he kept on embracing me. I feel so dumb being stuck over something as silly as a heartbreak. There are really so much in this world that I should fix and turn my whole attention to. There is so much more than my lovelife. That is reality. Tapos natawa na lang ako and he was dumbfounded, akala ata nya di ako naniniwala sakanya.
"Alam mo, you told me this back when you just met me. Gusto ko rin sabihin sayo ngayon kasi I just felt like it. Carlo, masaya ako dahil nakilala kita."
And right now, I'm happy I said that, because I felt the sincerity of his actions afterwards. There were no I love yous said, instead, the softness of his lips reaffirmed me that he was back on track. This time, gagawin na talaga nya yung totoong dahilan nya. And I was happy I came that night.
So we toasted to a night of clarity and finished off the rest of the drink by each other's side. He told me about his plans for the next couple of months. What he wantes to do with their house. Anong course itetake nya and if he would still go to Canada. I wanted to ask why he still told me all those plans, pero I kept that curiousity to myself na lang. Nagjoke pa sya saying, "Label lang nawala satin pero andito pa rin tayo. Andito pa rin ako para sayo." It somehow made me feel at ease. Kasi totoo nga talaga yung sabi niya, we will always be each other's constants. Now it's just a matter of time when we will be able to actually say we are better versions of ourselves.
It's scary but that kind of scary that is worth it in the end. The kind of risk that is scary but will give us both lessons and wonderful experiences somehow. It's scary but it's also exciting. I'm excited for our story ahead. Right now, what we have is special. I appreciate the now with him. I appreciate the feelings. There is no official label, but there is connection. I know a lot of close friends will react on this decision lalo na ang complicated ng mga nangyari. Pero I know myself and I know Carlo more than anyone else knows him. And whatever we share now, be it official, has no label or no words of affirmation said, that is enough.
Before going to him that night, I told myself that it will be the last time and I should move forward especially if he has already moved on. However, being there, seeing him face to face, feeling his warmth and his gaze... my plans slowly changed on its own. He was right, I should not obsess too much over moving on or cutting him off. Kasi we wont be able to move on that easily from a love and connection such as ours. We will always be each other's contants. Its' funny but I find it comforting, too. We are now in the same phase, same understanding of where we are right now. The only difference is, he has set aside his feelings and I remain to still be honest with mine. People will tell me I would just be feeding his ego by staying amidst everything. Pero hindi eh, I know how far that ego can go. I also know its limits. The "us" we were before is constantly changing. It's just a matter of time before we discover if some of the "us" in the past will retain or completely be forgotten.
I will no longer stress over things that my mind has just been making up. Seeing him there, feeling his touch and meeting his gaze, I know there is a purpose why we had to separate in order to grow. I know that purpose is far greater than any opinion of anyone ever. And one day, it will all make sense.
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