Finding Me

they/he ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ just a 30(ish) year old Transmasc taking their first steps into transition. Needing a place to freely share updates.

[zephyrodd]

So its possible I havent been following tumblr etiquette super well. So in the next few weeks im going to work on adjusting some things.

I have really enjoyed it here so far.

Etiquette in online spaces really confuses me so Im going to try and pay more attention and do more research about it.

So far I havent received any complaints but I want to try and make little adjustments now that im seeing more people interacting with my posts. (And also before I commit some etiquette faux pas thats considered egregious)

Im also going to work on an intro post.

[zephyrodd]

Downloaded bumble BFF a while ago, had to expand the search radius because there was liek 4 people that came up.

How do you get over thinking "this person is way too cool to want to be friends with me"?

[zephyrodd]

Its wild to me that a parent can have one child go no contact with them, and know that the other child would rather go homeless than move back in with them, and STILL not think they are at least *part* of the problem.

[zephyrodd]

Trigger warning: weight/weightloss, disordered eating, im not really sure what else? But its heavy and about weight and weightloss and social and political shit and how hard it is to fuel my body

I cant afford a gym membership.

I cant afford a fitness coach.

I know what i should be eating, but my brain struggles to translate that into meals.

I cant reliably prepare food due to chronic pain and mental health issues.

I cant prep food in advance because my ocd makes me think I will get sick.

My roommates will not keep the fridge clean and organized, so I get overwhelmed and cant find things in it, to the point that I have had to set up my own mini fridge so I can try and reliably feed myself.

My autism makes it so i only want to eat specific safe foods, until they are no longer safe

My adhd makes me crave novelty and new experiences with food.

My chronic pain makes exercise almost impossible.

I was raised with a mother who had an unhealthy relationship with food and projected that on us, she also almost died during gastric bypass and still faces severe disablement from it.

I went from overweight to morbidly obese after being on a mental health medication carousel for 10 fucking years and Long term Birth control for 9.

Nutritionists I am referred to are primarily diabetic nutritionists, they give me vague unhelpful information, most of which I already know. I even had one tell me that everything I told her about my autism and adhd and ocd was just a matter of me not wanting to.

Medicaid will not cover any weightloss treatments purely for weightloss. No therapy, no medication. They WILL cover surgery if you fit their qualifications, which i do. (I do have an appointment to discuss with my GP, to see if I have any comorbidities that would qualify me for anything other than surgery, but thats going to be a fight)

Now i cant even trust our food supply because of the political climate and all the saftey roll backs and the fact that one company can actually be a million different brands.

But being fat is my fault. Being fat is a choice. Weightloss is simply calories in vs calories out.

I dont want to hate my body. I want to love it into health, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that when it feels like every part of my life is working against me. I dont want surgery, im terrified of it, and its not going to fix any of the actual issues. It doesnt stop the food noise, it doesnt change the way i interact with food. I am positive it isnt the solution for me, but what do I do when I feel like the only other option is developing an eating disorder? I want help, I need it.

I wish I could be body positive, I wish i could love my body. I want to, i try, some days it feels like im succeeding. I just dont want to carry this weight around anymore, and I dont want to feel like its a moral failing on my part that its hard. I dont know where to go for resources.

[zephyrodd]

Do you ever feel the overwhelming feeling of "i cant be here anymore" but like... I dont want to die.

I want a better world.

And its soul crushing because I dont feel like thats possible in a world with this many people in power hell bent on repeating the worst moments of history over and over.

I am 1 queer disabled person who can barely get out of bed to make my own life better, how the hell am I supposed to fix the world?

[zephyrodd]

I am an incredibly reasonable person when I am communicated with effectively.

Unfortunately, i am the only one who knows the rules on how to communicate with me effectively.

[zephyrodd]

Why is my brain telling me smiling in a selfie is feminine, ALSO why does brain CARE?!

I know Man-adjacent folx CAN be feminine.

I know 100% I tend to reject femininity because, my body is perceived as feminine so in order to "balance the scales" I have to *act* masculine.

But im not an overtly masculine dude. I want to be genderfucky.

[zephyrodd]

Going to be starting spravato soon! Im so excited to be given the opportunity to try something a little more.... more.

I live like a 1.5 hour drive from the nearest clinic (as far as i can tell) and i will need someone to drive me, which means i will have to use medicaid non-emergancy medical transportation for the first time ever.

I am really fucking stressed out about getting all the To-Do's To-Done, but i cant wait to maybe start to feel some fucking relief.

[zephyrodd]

Last night in my Non-binary support group, someone said that my hair sits atop my head as if it was a crown.

And i am simply never going to feel upset about how much it sticks up anymore.

I have really thick hair, paired with there being a lot of it. So it grows out and up for a very long time before it is long enough to weigh itself down. Ive always hated how I could never have the cut i wanted, or style it correctly.

But now its a crown, and i will try to never forget that.

[zephyrodd]

"McDonald's is so bad!"

Okay? Im not going to mcdonalds for a high quality burger. Im going to binge eat trash food until I feel sick and ashamed.

It has its place in the ecosystem.

[zephyrodd]

Everybody is cooler than me and I just want to know why i didnt get my share of the sauce.

[zephyrodd]

For weeks ive been questioning whether the hair ive seen on my upper lip was an actual mustache coming in.

(Was it a menopause mustache or a puberty mustache?)

But recently I realized that you can kind of see it from a distance. Hes barely there but hes is there!

And the new angel bites accentuate him in such a lovely way.

[zephyrodd]

How does one... make friends?

I fear it involves talking to other human-like entities but that sounds ridiculous!

[zephyrodd]

I usually hate taking photos of myself but I havent stopped since getting my angel fangs.

I feel like i am seeing myself for the first time when I look into the mirror.

I just i cant believe i could like looking at myself so much.

I am going to try and refresh my cut and color today or tomorrow.

I am also in love with how my new piercings seem to accentuate the little facial hair I have! I feel like im giving queer for the first time in my life.

[zephyrodd]

I didnt have great anatomy for my angel fangs (which i was expecting). However, since i also have a vert labret on my lower lip and heal surface piercing pretty well, we decided to give the angel fangs a shot. I was also pretty willing to adjust the positioning of the piercings in a way that would give them the best chance of healing well. So they are slightly closer together than typical (so they are in a thicker part of my lip) and enter higher up my lip than normal (to give them more flesh to sit in).

Im really happy with them! The bars are comically long, but no piercing ever looks ideal fresh from shop!

They are going to look rad when my mustache starts growing in more lol.

[zephyrodd]

When i get a new piercing, I go from someone who has never seen a mirror/selfie to someone who cant look away from a mirror.

Like thats me! Right there! Genuinely smiling!

[zephyrodd]

When you are closeted and the casual transphobia at the family gathering makes you feel like you are looking down the barrel of a gun.