Finding Me

they/he ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ just a 30(ish) year old Transmasc taking their first steps into transition. Needing a place to freely share updates.

[zephyrodd]

So its possible I havent been following tumblr etiquette super well. So in the next few weeks im going to work on adjusting some things.

I have really enjoyed it here so far.

Etiquette in online spaces really confuses me so Im going to try and pay more attention and do more research about it.

So far I havent received any complaints but I want to try and make little adjustments now that im seeing more people interacting with my posts. (And also before I commit some etiquette faux pas thats considered egregious)

Im also going to work on an intro post.

[zephyrodd]

I am exhausted and in a lot of physical pain! We had such a good time at pride though!

I bought my first trans pride flag, and some art for my craft room.

I met someone from my Non-binary support group, in person for the first time, and they gave me a glitter blessing!

Im just really happy right now.

[zephyrodd]

Today i go to pride for the first time since 2022!

[zephyrodd]

Shot #15

Just performed the worst injection of my life.

I accidentally flicked the vial off when removing air bubbles, cored the vial on re-entry, forgot to clear the needle hub when switching needles, and because if that i under dosed myself.

Im very frustrated.

[zephyrodd]

Bong rips and uncrustables are my life's essence.

[zephyrodd]

Bong rips and uncrustables are my life's essence.

[zephyrodd]

I just attended IOP orientation today, via zoom, and an older guy also attending misgendered me the whole time.

And im kicking myself for not correcting him.

To be fair, I think he just didnt realize that our pronouns were next to our names.

But im going to have to work on that.

On the flip side, I *did* correct the facilitator on how she was pronouncing my chosen name.

I thought going by a different name would feel weird or that I wouldnt recognize that people were referring to me, but I just feel euphoric when its used.

I have also never felt so annoyed being she/her-ed before.

[zephyrodd]

As we approach my first pride festivity of the year this weekend. My goal has morphed from "wearing a super cute outfit that I made and partying like never before and talking to EVERYONE" to "please just let me actually attend this year."

I am fighting my social anxiety and agoraphobia. I am also fighting the fear of not knowing how much i can physically handle. Its going to be a lot of noise and crowds and visual/auditory stimuli, and a lot of walking, 75° and thunder storms.

My goal has to be about just attending. I have to make it there this year.

I also have 2 more events i want to make it to. I desperately need to do this for myself!

[zephyrodd]

I joined r/FTMOver30 and then also their discord.

I keep running into this problem where I am so afraid of making a mistake socially, that i freeze up and can't decide how to reply to someone. I can't even pick an emoji.

I have basically only shown 2 art pieces in the creative channel. The reactions have been so nice and i desperately want to interact with people, but I feel so alien.

[zephyrodd]

Happy Pride month!

[zephyrodd]

My biggest regret in life is not allowing myself to be more cringe.

To find yourself you have to run head first into the cringe.

[zephyrodd]

With my pride shorts not complete I am probably going to default to my TDOV outfit I bought earlier this year. Or maybe order something today.

I dont want to buy pride stuff from amazon so I am probably going to get a lot of my accessories from vendors at the pridefests I attend!

[zephyrodd]

With my pride shorts not complete I am probably going to default to my TDOV outfit I bought earlier this year. Or maybe order something today.

I dont want to buy pride stuff from amazon so I am probably going to get a lot of my accessories from vendors at the pridefests I attend!

[zephyrodd]

Due to an unexpected mental health crisis, my pride shorts have been severely delayed. I am deciding if I want to pivot and just make trans pride patches to hand out. I will still work on the shorts because I can wear them to a later pride event, or just... in general.

I cant wait to go to pride. I have 3 local-ish, rural events i want to go to! One is the first ever for the county i grew up in, one is the county my GWC is in, and the third is the county i live in! They are all 30-45 minutes away. (And then depending on how I feel, we may venture in for capital district pride, but im going to leave that as a last minute decision)

My partner has his time off requests in for those days. The only thing that could prevent my attending is my own brain!

I also have saved MONEY to go! Im gonna buy queer little trinkets to carry in my bags, and hang on my keys, and walls, and put on shelves!

Im so excited.

[zephyrodd]

One of my first face-to-face interactions with another trans person was hearing him say that Non-binary people are essentially stealing resources, or making it harder for binary trans people to access resources because "they lie" to get hrt and surgeries. (The gist was "because NB people lie to access these resources, binary trans people have to jump through more hoops")

It was around 2016 and I had just recently started using they/them pronouns and thinking about what a non-binary transition might look like.

I *knew* what he was saying felt wrong, but i still locked those thoughts up. (I felt that if NB people lied to access resources, maybe its because the systems to access those resources was created without NB people in mind, at the time I didnt have the ability to verbalize that)

I didnt want to be percieved as someone using resources that werent for me, or worse, actually being that person.

I didnt know how it worked, i hadn't thought that far ahead.

I just knew that those words echoed in my head, and they caused me so much pain. I thought I would have someone to connect to, to relate to, and suddenly I was the enemy.

I didnt allow myself to consider medical transition for a long time, and while there are a lot of contributing factors to that, I think feeling othered from the community before i could even dip my toe in was a big factor.

I still, to this day, struggle to feel like I belong in queer and trans spaces. I have intense imposter syndrome.

I am going to a few pride fests this year. I want to feel a sense of belonging for once in my life.

[zephyrodd]

One of my first face-to-face interactions with another trans person was hearing him say that Non-binary people are essentially stealing resources, or making it harder for binary trans people to access resources because "they lie" to get hrt and surgeries. (The gist was "because NB people lie to access these resources, binary trans people have to jump through more hoops")

It was around 2016 and I had just recently started using they/them pronouns and thinking about what a non-binary transition might look like.

I *knew* what he was saying felt wrong, but i still locked those thoughts up. (I felt that if NB people lied to access resources, maybe its because the systems to access those resources was created without NB people in mind, at the time I didnt have the ability to verbalize that)

I didnt want to be percieved as someone using resources that werent for me, or worse, actually being that person.

I didnt know how it worked, i hadn't thought that far ahead.

I just knew that those words echoed in my head, and they caused me so much pain. I thought I would have someone to connect to, to relate to, and suddenly I was the enemy.

I didnt allow myself to consider medical transition for a long time, and while there are a lot of contributing factors to that, I think feeling othered from the community before i could even dip my toe in was a big factor.

I still, to this day, struggle to feel like I belong in queer and trans spaces. I have intense imposter syndrome.

I am going to a few pride fests this year. I want to feel a sense of belonging for once in my life.

[zephyrodd]

My provider didnt order blood tests to check my t levels at my 3 month follow-up. I am on an incredibly low dose.

.1ml of a 200mg/ml concentration, so 20 mg of t.

She let me go up to .15ml (30mg).

I sent a mychart message to her apologizing for having a meltdown at my appointment, and telling her that I rely on mychart for following up.

Then i said that I thought I was supposed to get my levels tested every three months, and that even if she didnt think it was necessary I would like them ordered because I think it will help with my future decision making in regards to my transition goals.

I know im not on even a starting dose for binary trans guys, but i also dont have ovaries.

I think i would just be more comfortable sticking to the standard routine?