Hello again.
Long time, no see Tumblr. I hope you’ve been well. As well as you could be considering I hear the ownership has changed a few times since I’ve visited and this is no longer a place to find tasteful porn. I’ve been a little reminiscent of my past lately and it felt right to visit you. I’ve been looking back with curiosity in an attempt to look forward with hope.
As I approach my 31st birthday, I wish I could talk to 20 year old me. The one who is about to enter her Junior year of college, who is experimenting with psychedelic drugs, who spends summers on the lake house porch swing, who is in love with her gay best friend (and every other boy who gives her any attention), who says she is “trying her best” at school and work but actually just doing enough to get by, who is too drunk to be singing karaoke, who is voting for Bernie Sanders, and probably eating a Sonic grilled cheese in her silver Volkswagen beetle.
What would I say to this girl who is discovering the world with a new found sense of freedom, but no direction? I have no idea. Maybe something vague and cliche, like “everything is going to be okay” or maybe one hyper specific thing that might change my future, like “I know you think that all girls watch lesbian porn but they don’t and you should probably question your sexuality sooner.” Or, maybe I don’t say much, just ask a few questions and listen. That’d be nice because I don’t remember what this girl likes and what brings her joy.
Skimming through this Tumblr page of hers, I’m reminded of one thing that was, is, and, will maybe always be true. She hates to be alone.
I’m writing this from a luxurious king size bed, accompanied by an indent to my right in the shape of a husband and a beautiful perfect dog leaning against my leg. I’m never alone these days so what the fuck am I so sad about?
This bout of sadness hasn’t lasted too long in relation to others, but I’m ready for it to be over. I usually look to the future to cheer up but I don’t know what I’m looking forward to these days. I don’t know what to dream about. I don’t know where to go from here. I’ve never imagined what it’d be like to have this much life. When I was younger and thought of a future adult version of me, she was 30. I’ve genuinely never considered being any older than I am right now. I don’t even really understand what menopause is.
Maybe a lot of women my age feel this way but I imagine they often fill that void of possibility with a baby, removing the burden of considering other outcomes. Dedicating themselves fully to another life instead of exploring what could become of theirs. This is admiral and mothers are magic but I’ve always been on the fence about children and I’ve never felt very maternal. I don’t think that decision is one that should be made lightly. Even though it’s so easy to have babies and people do it by accident every day, I don’t think this is my route. Especially given the 2026 political climate and the simple fact that I don’t have health insurance.
Who am I in the future if not a mom? Almost all the women I look up to are moms. Without that, I guess I’m just a busy lady with a unique but high stress job, an amazing 3-bedroom rental in Atlanta, a large stomach, stiff calves, and a trendy haircut that shows I’m trying. I guess I want a future where that’s enough for me. A life where I don’t need vacation plans or a package in my mailbox to feel good about myself.
What do I need to do to make my daily life the thing I’m looking forward to? To dream about tomorrow and the day after that? I don’t know yet but I’m starting to ask the questions that I hope lead me there. Here’s to looking back and looking forward. Discovering and rediscovering things I love. And then making time to do them.
Thanks for listening. Maybe I’ll revisit in another decade. Maybe sooner.
XOXO
