the question you're never allowed to ask is why, and you learn it young. often the answer is just because and if you ask too often people say you're being a nudge and when you say why do we have to go to church every weekend if god is everywhere won't he also be at home your grandmother says that if you talk like that you'll go straight to hell, no questions
and it never gets easier because as a teenager when you say why do teenagers have to wake up so early to go to school it's bad for them and they shrug and say that this is the way it's always been done so it's how it's going to be done, forever. and no you're not old enough to vote but according to certain state laws you are old enough to get married and carry a baby to term - and yes you're deemed old enough to hold and shoot a gun but not old enough to know about safe sex and birth control - and you say why, though? and they snarl that you're a child, you don't understand the world, go home
and as an adult you learn not to ask why because sometimes something changes in the other person; they can become dangerous, erratic. you learn this with your first boyfriend because you ask why do you expect me to remind you to do the dishes? and he says you're accusing me of being misogynistic and when you ask your boss why she hasn't given you a promotion she says this you playing the race card isn't it and when in an argument about drag shows you ask why are we still letting priests be alone around children your father backhands you, hard, the way he hasn't since you were a kid
and the truth is that you want to ask - why! why is it like this? why not just do what we can for a better environment? why not put money into public education. why not cut interest from student debt? and fuck, but, this shit never stops. it's not just the actual laws - it's silent; comes home and never lets you rest. why do you have to have kids. why do you have to own a house, have to get married, have to give in. why do you have to settle down, find a job that "fits". why do you have to dress so as not to be noticed? why do you have to act both delighted and innocent and also sinful and seductive? why do you have to balance-beam walk across your life, careful and quiet and patient?
so you cut and dye your hair and get tattoos and piercings because truth be told there aren't rules, and you go through the agonizing process of learning to actually-love-your-body, even though it takes actual years to do it, and you learn to dress how you enjoy, even though sometimes your social anxiety tries to kill you for it. you learn how you define yourself, gently at first; and then with a hard-won conviction.
but then you come home and your mother asks you to help her in the kitchen even though your father is sitting on his ass in the living room and of course you'll help her but in that moment some knowledge strips your skin - oh. there is no why.
it's just the way it is.
