Part of why I’m wanting to keep a record of this is because I feel like I need to keep myself in check in a way. You see, the first time that I thought about Adam in that way I was horrified at myself. Now, privately, I find that I’ve become quite adjusted to the fact that I am sexually attracted to my own son. Over the months since I first felt anything towards him, since the first dream I had about him, I have become quite used to the fact that he is a very sexy young man, and now, rather than being horrified, I find myself even encouraging myself to fantasize about him. I know that what I am saying here is very wrong, and it doesn’t mean that I have any intention of ever acting on these thoughts, but even so, I’m aware that my goal posts have altered in terms of what I previously found acceptable.
I have found myself picturing him in my head while I’ve been having sex with my husband – his father. I wondered for a while if that was what this was about, that I can see in Adam a younger version of his dad. More like the man that I fell in love with. I’m not sure if that’s the case though. While you can see a bit of his dad in him, they’re hardly the same. Adam is far better looking than his dad.
It’s my actions, rather than my thoughts, though, that I want to keep a check on. From the start, I always said that I would never act upon any of my fantasies, and to date I think that’s still true. Despite this, I am surprised by the things I have allowed myself to do, the boundaries I have now crossed. That’s what concerns me. If I don’t write all this down, I’m worried that my perspective will keep altering and I won’t know where to stop.
Let me explain. In January, Adam went back to school after Christmas. He’s doing A-levels at the local sixth form. We’d had a great Christmas – real family time. To be honest, while he was around the house over that time, I hadn’t thought about him much – not in any way that I shouldn’t. I saw him like my son. As I’m supposed to see him. Only, once he was back at school, I found myself missing him. We’d spent a lot of time together in the previous few weeks and somehow without him there I felt his absence really strongly. It’s a stupid thing to say – it wasn’t just him who was missing. Amy was back at university, and that’s probably why the house felt empty, but it was Adam that I focussed on not being around.
Without thinking, I found myself going to sit in his room a lot during the day. I found it comforting to be amongst his things. I enjoyed the smell of him in the room, it made me feel relaxed and close to him in a way I hadn’t felt before. That’s all it was to begin with. Maybe other mothers do that. I don’t know, I’m too scared to ask.
Anyway, I don’t think there was anything wrong in what I was doing to begin with, but I found myself going in there more and more, laying on his bed and pressing my face against the sheets just to feel close to him. One afternoon I did that and I was laying there and all of a sudden I became really horny, and I began thinking about how he must lay in the bed each night in just his boxers, and that he probably wanked himself off right where I was laying. I pressed my face hard against the mattress and began smelling the sweat and scent of his body, and I began to masturbate – fingering my pussy, picturing what it would be like to walk in on him while he was wanking.
Doing that has become a regular thing now. I go into my son’s room once, maybe twice a week and finger myself fantasizing about having sex with him. I have taken to seeking out his worn underwear, which is often on the floor, and under the guise of “doing the laundry” I take it away and bring myself off holding it over my face. I have developed a taste for the traces of precum that I often find in the crotch of his boxer shorts, even for the piss stains that he leaves there. I have gone through the browser history on his computer, and whilst it’s clear that he deletes most things he looks at, I have seen some of the pornography that he watches and I have watched it too, imagining how it makes him feel.
None of this could I have imagined myself doing nine months ago, but now it all seems perfectly ordinary and everyday.