stream of consciousness

 † vita brevis, ars longa † 

[happyheidi]

[underwelmed]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

“Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving. When we can be alone, we can be with others without using them as a means of escape.”

— bell hooks

[stevesfriend]

you done it

[chrisweedpiano]

congration

[finickyquint]

Your YA novel title is:

A (object closest to you on the left) of (last thing you spent money on) and (your current emotion)

Add your results in the tags!

[hello-im-not-a-possum]

A big ass metal pot of hot pockets and tired.

[xcooki]

A door of haribos and lethargy

[likeall-fire]

A fish tank of clothes and exhaustion

[writtenpaige]

A driving stick of Mexican food and hopeful

[ukulela]

a pillow of curry and peace 😌

[ukulela]

Reflection on 2013

Read More

[ukulela]

Time for my reflection on 2014!

Keep reading

[ukulela]

Reflection on 2015

Keep reading

[ukulela]

Reflection on 2020

If I had to succinctly define 2020, I would say it was a year of EXTREMES. I’ve felt immense joy and deep sorrow. It was one of the best years of my life and one of the worst. Moving (twice), the beginning and ending of relationships and friendships, my first job as a counselor out of grad school, deaths of beloved pets, and of course all of this in the midst of a pandemic. As I see everyone else’s posts about 2020, I don’t feel alone. This has been a rough year for us in so many ways despite the pandemic and I know there are many who have had things so much worse. I am grateful for being able to maintain my job and for my loved ones and I staying relatively healthy.

I have asked many times through my tears why does it all have to happen at once? I know there are lessons learned but can’t I just have a break please? Does it really have to be this hard? This painful? I don’t know how many times I’ve begged for peace and stability. I don’t know how many times I questioned my abilities as a counselor because how am I supposed to help others through this mess when I feel like I am barely scraping by? Through all of the difficulty however, I see the strength, the light, and the love and support of others. Without all the darkness I don’t know if the light would have shown so strongly.

I’ve learned the importance of community, of boundaries, and of looking out for myself before anyone else. I’ve learned the importance of balance, of stability, and of treasuring the seemingly small things like hugs, concerts, and gathering with loved ones.

Knowing things won’t automatically change because we switch out our calendars is unfortunate. I wish it worked that way. But in a way, it gives us the freedom of autonomy because it puts us in control. We make the change. Change does not always depend on how many times the sun sets or how many days we cross off our calendar. Change comes from the heart, from a shift in perspective, from making the decision to move forward and play, love, and give despite extraneous circumstances.

This is what 2020 has taught me and from looking around I see many others feel the same. We can choose to look back on 2020 and say “well that was one shitshow of a year…” or we can look back and say that was a year of growth. That was the year I learned the importance of so many things I once took for granted.

[ukulela]

Reflection on 2020

If I had to succinctly define 2020, I would say it was a year of EXTREMES. I’ve felt immense joy and deep sorrow. It was one of the best years of my life and one of the worst. Moving (twice), the beginning and ending of relationships and friendships, my first job as a counselor out of grad school, deaths of beloved pets, and of course all of this in the midst of a pandemic. As I see everyone else’s posts about 2020, I don’t feel alone. This has been a rough year for us in so many ways despite the pandemic and I know there are many who have had things so much worse. I am grateful for being able to maintain my job and for my loved ones and I staying relatively healthy.

I have asked many times through my tears why does it all have to happen at once? I know there are lessons learned but can’t I just have a break please? Does it really have to be this hard? This painful? I don’t know how many times I’ve begged for peace and stability. I don’t know how many times I questioned my abilities as a counselor because how am I supposed to help others through this mess when I feel like I am barely scraping by? Through all of the difficulty however, I see the strength, the light, and the love and support of others. Without all the darkness I don’t know if the light would have shown so strongly.

I’ve learned the importance of community, of boundaries, and of looking out for myself before anyone else. I’ve learned the importance of balance, of stability, and of treasuring the seemingly small things like hugs, concerts, and gathering with loved ones.

Knowing things won’t automatically change because we switch out our calendars is unfortunate. I wish it worked that way. But in a way, it gives us the freedom of autonomy because it puts us in control. We make the change. Change does not always depend on how many times the sun sets or how many days we cross off our calendar. Change comes from the heart, from a shift in perspective, from making the decision to move forward and play, love, and give despite extraneous circumstances.

This is what 2020 has taught me and from looking around I see many others feel the same. We can choose to look back on 2020 and say “well that was one shitshow of a year…” or we can look back and say that was a year of growth. That was the year I learned the importance of so many things I once took for granted.

[unclefather]

[lesbiantaurus-deactivated202508]

[helltitty]

[anxietyproblem]

[ukulela]

I moved recently and I have my own full bathroom and I put cute plants and fake vines and candles and played meditation music and showered by candlelight and it was one of the most relaxing and rejuvenating things I’ve ever done. That’s all.

[ukulela]

I don’t even know what I want. And I think that’s why I’ve been feeling so terrible. Do I want a stable secure job that’s consistent? Or do I want to be more independent and my own boss but make less money and not be as financially stable? Why do I not even know what my values are? What I want for myself? Even when we were looking at houses and they asked my opinion I didn’t know. I didn’t even realize I was stressed about the money part until later. Why can’t I just know these things about myself in the moment? Why can’t I hear my intuition? It’s like it’s always clouded by other people’s perceptions. This is what a couple of arguments have come from- me just not knowing what I want.

I feel like lately I can’t even communicate with people. Not even my clients and that concerns me. There’s always some kind of block. Also just thinking about my clients and work makes me feel sick because of how anxious I’ve been. I don’t even want to think about it but I have to because I need to decide what I’m even doing with them. I feel like I’m doing nothing. I have very intense imposter syndrome and I feel like all my clients and parents are starting to find out. “what are you even doing with my child? nothing is working? their last therapist did this but you don’t...”

It makes me just want to run away before they find out anything else. And honestly, I do want to quit. But do I really? And this is where it comes back to me not knowing what I want or need for myself. I just keep doing things until I can’t do them anymore and I have to cancel last minute and that is not fair to my clients. I feel like a lot of things I’m doing are not fair to my clients. Like me even being their counselor is not fair to them. They deserve someone who knows what they are doing, who wants to be doing what they are doing, who has the energy and emotional capacity they need. That person is not me, at least not right now. Okay, I know I feel that way. Now what? Do I just keep fighting through it until it goes away? Do I medicate myself? Do I quit? Then what will I do? I’m moving soon... how can I afford that if I quit? I feel so so trapped. I just want to run away. Sometimes I want to be away from it all so bad that my thoughts scare me. Like if I got seriously injured or sick I could at least escape for a little bit. But I know that’s not the way it works and I need to face it. I just don’t know what to face or how to face it because I don’t know what I want or need! My brain constantly is going going going and it is exhausting. I cry every day. I’m not fun to be around. I hate even being around myself, how can I expect other people to enjoy my company? I feel like I just can’t manage. I’m trying not to feel weak because of it, but I feel weak. And I don’t even care anymore. I tried to get through it by continuously telling myself I am learning and growing from it but I just don’t care about that anymore. I want to learn and grow in other ways, not this way. There must be another way. I just want to know what to do.

[dankmemeuniversity]

[ukulela]

I wish I could leave

I wish this was all fake

I wish this was a dream

And I’d easily wake

But it’s reality

And if you want to leave

That’s your choice to make

I just said a prayer

Help me to see love

I know that it’s there

Maybe it’s not enough

How can I feel

When things don’t seem real

When I’m giving up

Every small word

Cuts like a knife

Revealing the wounds

Already inside

It just appears

When you call it by name

It can no longer hide

[ukulela]

every day there is something. some kind of crisis... some kind of drama.... i’m tired of it. i am worn down. all i want is peace and stability. i don’t want to feel like every day is an uphill battle.

[ukulela]

i’m so tired of everything. of feeling stuck in the middle of drama when i literally did nothing wrong... of trying to manage moving into a new place and starting my first job right before a pandemic... of trying to manage client issues as a new counselor with very little supervision and high caseload... of struggling financially... of trying to manage the ups and downs of a new relationship...

there are things i am very thankful for. and i am going to try to focus on those things. but things get very difficult sometimes and i just want to be a baby about it and run away

[ukulela]

really questioning my career choices right now. these past few weeks have been terrible