Why Mental Illness Doesn’t Excuse Abusive Behavior
Back during a time when my mental illness was at its worst, I was extremely emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive to my now husband, then boyfriend. Behaviors I would exhibit (and am not proud of):
Becoming extremely possessive over him, checking his messages, emails, and becoming irrationally upset when he would communicate with any female
Become extremely resentful when he would spend more time with his family than me
Text or call him at inappropriate times and would become suspicious angry when he wouldn’t respond ASAP
Blame him for all of my shortcomings (if he wasn’t so _____, I wouldn’t behave this way!)
That’s just a SHORT list of the things I put him through, not even taking into consideration the eating disorder part of my mental health.
And to make it perfectly clear, there was nothing my husband ever did to warrant or justify any of my behavior. That man has never hit me, yelled at me, manipulated me, shamed me, called me names, become jealous, kept me from spending time with other people, etc. He’s treated me like a queen for the last 11 years, and it wasn’t until I did some deep recovery work that I realized 100% of my behaviors had all to do with me and nothing to do with him. I’m surprised he stuck with me, and although I am eternally grateful that he did, it took a long time for me to not only make amends to him, but to change my behaviors in order to finally come to a place of sanity within my relationship.
Even though a large part of my behavior had to do with mental illness, my husband deserved 0% of it. Regardless if you are sick or not, your behaviors affect other people. If your illness “makes” you abusive, you are still abusive. If my husband decided to press charges for me slapping him in the face, telling authorities, “BUT I HAVE A MENTAL ILLNESS!” would not absolve me of the fact that I physically assaulted another human being.
People are hurt all the time due to the shitty things people do because of their illnesses, and they can’t just tell themselves, “Well, they are sick, so I have to deal with it.” or “I can’t let it affect me because I have to understand they are sick.” Like, no. People do not have to do that. They are not obligated to support and/or stay with you if they cannot deal or cope with how you act within your illness.
People are not obligated to be punching bags just because you are sick, especially if you do nothing to change or manage your behaviors.
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